Have held my temper alot these last few months. I know for one thing she is not doing drugs. She did start drinking but not alot yet. Part of our marrige problems was my temper, and I have done a good job I think of not blowing up about all this weird crap. I lost it yesterday big time and I feel bad for that.

I have been the stable one. I should not of lost it lastnight. But im so tired of trying to work on this and her not do a damn thing. I am seeing a councler and have for 3 months. She had 2 appointments and missed both.

As for my daughter, I for the last month have been at the house almost everyday, so I know whats going on. My wife may have lost it but she would never let anything happen to my daughter.

ML, you have no right to say that anyone who was abused as a child is/was not a victim. You need to get over yourself. I never suggested that he allow his daughter to be molested. But then by your own admission above, that wouldn't make her a victim anyway would it? And anyway, his daughter would be over it by the time she grows up anyway. Or do we get to cut her some slac because you think she was treated badly. By falcon's own admission his he's not so worried about his daughter now since his wife leaves her with grandma.

I'm not condoning his wife's behavior. I'm simply trying to point out a little different perspective. I'm showing a little compassion. I don't think that's something that you have much of these days. Sure you're following the "letter of the law" but so did the pharisees. I will forever take up for those who have been where I have. I will give them a voice. It's people like you (at least from the perspective you're showing here) who have perpetuated CSA since the beginning of time. It's people such as yourself who were the reason I never told anyone. I was afraid I would be told it was my fault it happened. And guess what! Now that I've told a few people in my life I've found that to be true. There are some who are supportive. There are others who tell me that it's my own fault. My H tells me that it's my fault because I'm pretty. If i wan't pretty, men wouldn't be interested. What a load of absolute bulls#%t! Well, I lived for almost 40 years blaming myself. I will no longer blame myself. And I will no longer sit back and do nothing while other bring out their self-righteous finger to point at others and judge whether or not they think someone is "sorry" enough. I'm no longer a doormat to be walked on. I know that isn't very convienent for you or my H or any number of others in my life, but that's what boundaries are BABY.

I maintain that just because falcon's wife isn't a good wife doesn't make her a bad mother and taking her children away from her on those grounds is wrong.

"As for my daughter, I for the last month have been at the house almost everyday, so I know whats going on. My wife may have lost it but she would never let anything happen to my daughter."

I'm glad to hear that and glad that you recognize that. It doesn't make your personal hurt any less, however. Hang in there. Continue to work on you and do it for you, not for others. If you do it for others it won't last. You have to do it because you want to be a better person. Just as she can't earn your trust back overnight, you can't expect her to "know" that you've changed because you've told her you have and have seen a counselor a few times. But she will see, just as when she starts working on her you will see. Be patient. All this didn't happen overnight. It won't get fixed overnight.

All the best to you both.

"Have held my temper alot these last few months."

BTW, you shouldn't simply be "holding your temper". You need to learn different ways of expressing it. The feelings you have need to be expressed, just in a constructive way.

I'm Precious, why not save your "compassion" for his WS's "victims." Of course she is not a "victim," good grief, she is a grown woman. She was a victim when she was a child, she is not being victimized now and is fully 100% responsible for her cruel actions.

You know, this is not about YOU all the time, I'mPrecious. This man is here for help because his life is being destroyed by his wife, let's help HIM instead of pandering undeserved sympathy for yourself and his victimizer.

As far as her fitness as a mother, a mother who kicks out her father and commits serial adultery is hardly good mother material. It may be your idea of a good mother, but it isn't mine, and isn't considered so my many courts in this country.

Falcon, I certainly hope that this is true, but keep in mind that she has probably done many things recently that were completely out of character, such as carry on with numerous men and hang out with sleazy friends.

A person in the throes of an addictive affair is extremely unreliable and irresponsible and will do things that are out of character. We have fathers on this forum who have been awarded full custody of their children in situations similar to yours because of the mother's unstable behavior. You shouldn't trust that she will protect your daughter in this mental state and be prepared to do what it takes to protect her. You are the only sane adult in her life right now.

ML, you're right. It's not all about me. But you know what it's not all about you either. You have no more right to offer advice based on your recovery than I do so why don't we both leave the man alone?

So by your logic, all the things his wife is doing to their daughter now is abusive and makes the child a victim, but as soon as she turns, say 18, she is an adult and no longer a vicim and all the abuse no longer matters or affects her decisions in any way?

Tell me ML, at what age was I supposed to "forget" everything that happened to me and "just get over it"? And also tell me, have you now just gotten over what your husband did? Does it no longer affect your life, marriage, decisions?

I haven't condoned anything his wife has done. I haven't said that she should get the mother of the year award. I simply said that she needs help. How high is that pedistal you've made for yourself anyway? I certainly hope you don't ever fall from it as it will be a long fall.

If falcon doesn't want anymore advice from me all he has to do is say so and I will never address him again. I was only trying to be helpful. I see things haven't changed much here at MB.

falcon, I'm sorry that your thread has turned into this. I'm sure at this point ML and myself have no advice that is helpful to you. I will bow out now and hope that others here will give you some much needed advice and insight. Good luck to you and your situation. Listen to your gut. Take care.

I'mPrecious, this thread is supposed to be about him, not about your poor lot in life. Why don't we stick to the issue at hand instead of turning this into the victim of the week show? I don't think he needs that crap, do you?

I understand where you are comming from ML. Now the first month this started I might agree with you she really did loose it. She now cant even talk about that month. But I had my daughter alot. I have seen my daugher I would say all but 4 days in the last 4 months.

As i said its been really friendly for 2.5 months now. Where I would go over every night and watch tv with them. Funny my wife told me she wished we could have an open marriage where I could be there all the time and she coudl have her fun. Go figure. Its not that she hates me (well maybe after lastnight). She does still love me. And I her. She is a good mother.

When I say she has gone crazy, well for her this is CRAZY, for some people its tame. 2 tattos,(I like them both to be honest) tanning, smoking and drinking a bit on weekends. She has been drunk 1 time this last 4 months. I dont drink but I got drunk one night (first time and last trust me).

I just want to know if I have a chance in ****** or should I just let her go and move on. I dont want to, but I think I have to. The hurt is HUGE. I know she is hurting to alot.

She has ask for time to see if I can trust her and her me. And since 2 months ago she has been very honest, to the point of hurting me with the honesty. See she is not crazy just confused and hurt and not knowing what to do. I dont know if she used me( she said she would never) or just hanging on hopeing to fall back in love with me, I just cant tell.

Its hard because we grew up together and we over the last 2 months communitcation really started again where it was gone for so long.

To both of you, you both have valid points. Precious im so sorry for what happend to you. Living with someone who had it happen you can really tell when it bothers them and when it hits them. ML I totally understand your concern for my daughter. My 19 year old son lives there now to so he is my eyes and ears. Nothing would go on with him there.

I have spent the night there alot over the last 2 months to. Go watch TV. Rub my wifes feet and hold her hand. Stuff like that. But this last week and 1/2 it has become distant becasue I have been so emotionl. It was hard to deal with the break up of the affair, i was so in the loop it was very weird but I learned alot. How this man had no idea what my wife had been thru and what a real ****** she can be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She tore him up one side and down the other. Another man to hurt her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Falcon, I would make it clear to her that trust has to be EARNED. She must demonstrate trustworthy behavior over a long period of time. She can't demand trust. What she needs to know, though, is that you are willing to forgive her and are willing to trust her again if her behavior warrants it.

This is a very important message to convey to her.

But to answer your question, no, I don't think your marriage is over. I think you have some opportunties in Plan A, but you will have to do alot of work. I would start by reading the link in my signature and get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

Funny there were 2 or 3 times during these months that really thought I make up with her. but something seems to stop it. She did say just a week ago that she sees us growing old together, for whats that worth. We do have a bond, a very strong bond. We are opposits tho, me strightlaced, her a bit of a wild child and more now.

I seemed to hold that part of her down, I shoud of embrassed i t tho. I do like it in her. Im very judgemental and I should not be. But god when its good its so good, we laugh at the same stupid stuff, we are so sexual connected, we never had a problem there.

Im a athiest, she was raised as as strick pentacostal. (spelling). But we do share alot of the same morals or we use to. She is a very compasionat woman, her friends son died and she went and took hand prints in clay for her and the kids. See thats what she does. She has to deal with dead babies (she is a ob tech at a bithcenter).

So see she is not a bad person just confused I think. She is a stunning looking woman who because she was over weight thought no one would want her. Well along came the affair guy and boom she found out what I told her, she was sexy and stunning, even tho she was over weight.

Let me ask you this. She has told me for years that if we ever got seperated or divorced and she married again we would still have sex. I wonder if this is some kinda of wack fantasy she has had. I mean 3 days after i moved out she called me back to have sex, and for the last 3 years of the marriage thats really all we had, fantastic sex.

Falcon, have you considered getting tested for STD's? With her activities, that should be a huge concern.

What do you think it was that attracted her to the OM? Was it affection, admiration? It would be a good idea to figure this out, so you can try and meet that need for her.

Harsh but true MelodyLane. I'm pretty sick of adults blaming their bad behavior on things that happened to them as children.

I'm Precious, I don't think anyone would say that you or falcons wife or anyone should just "get over it" but how you choose to deal with it is on you.

I don't feel much sympathy for his wife right now either. she is the one doing wrong, unless her husband is the one who abused her as a child he does not deserve the abuse she is putting him through now.

She works in a hospital, and she has used condoms with the other guys, its not like its 100 times with each, the affair guy im thinking maybe 10 to 15 times in the 4 months the other guys was 1 time and 4 times.

I know what it was. He is in a band, he is kinda of a bad boy, he is 28 years old. He paid attention to her when all I did was sit infront of my pc and play games. He bs her to, told her he really cared when he did not. She is very inocent when it comes to men, since she was 16 it has only been me, that was the 2nd guy she ever had been with.

I take full responsiblity for my actions. 8 months ago she was in the hall and beged me for attentiona and ask me to change, I told her I was not changeing for anyone. Stupid me. I was a fool and I know it now.

Falcon, surely you are not going to take her word that she used a condom? PLEASE DON'T! They ALL say that. And we have many people on this forum who have STDs because they believed it. And yes, we have nurses and doctors here.


Wow, this is good information. At least you have a strong idea of how to attract her back, right?

I'm no expert but I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now. Falcon you may have been partially responsible for her feeling neglected but it was NOT your fault that she cheated! Cripes! My husband spent the entire weekend either watching football or playing video games! When I'm not home or sleeping he's on this damned thing looking at porn. That gives me a reason to feel neglected and even unhappy. It gives me a reason to look for ways to fix my marriage, but it does NOT give me a reason or an excuse to go f*** some other guy!!!

I don't mean to sound so harsh. I just hate seeing the BS blame themselves for the affair. You can take the blame for things not being as good as they could have been but SHE is 100% responsible for what she did.

Let's keep this thread about Falcon and his situation. Discuss, advise, suggest, debate but DO NOT personally attack other posters for their input.

Remember this is a SUPPORT forum!!