Thanks Justuss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know I know I should get tested. Well thats not all either, she got sick and for some selfish [censored] reason I told her she was fakeing. I know what a a-hole I was. A selfish a-hole.

She tells me she just does not want to be married now, she told me to think of her as a girlfriend. Funny as much as she says she wanted a divorce, she sure wants me around to. To talk to, to just do stuff with eachother. We for the last 2 months were going out with each other, movies, lol stip club for her first lap dance, that was so fun. Some of my best memories with her have been over the last 2 months, wierd hu. Before it was just mom and dad, those last 2 months it was Scott and Sharon again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> What sucks is man we get along so damn well for being so damn different

This is a very important point that needs to be clearly understood. anotherwhatever is exactly right, your WS is 100% responsible for her affair. She is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat. NO ONE made that decision for her. Falcon is partially responsible for the shabby state of the marriage, but that is very different frm saying he is responsible for the affair. Even so, she could have chosen a 100 better ways to deal with it than this.

That is an important dictinction to remember. But there is a reason that its important to identify the problems in the marriage. The purpose is to attract the WS back into the marriage by meeting her needs and giving her hope. The problems in the marriage that led to unhappiness have to be addressed.

I agree 100% but im the kinda of guy who wants to know why. I had to take a long hard look at myself, and know where I was soooo wrong. For the first week I moved out I sat in my mother in laws small house (they were out of town) and I looked myself in the mirror and did not like what I saw.

I drove her to the bus stop but she got on the bus. And then all ****** broke loose. For the month I was back in the houes I was a totally differnt person and I liked him. I did stuff for her but damn if the affair guy did not call back right when I thought we could try and et back together.

I know she does not want to be hurt, that wall is up so high its hard to pull it down.

Translation: I want to party like a single girl but don't want you to get mad at me about it. Just accept your new status as "friend" so I don't have to face the consequences of my cruel, sleazy behavior.

If she says that to you again, remind her that you are not her "boyfriend," but her HUSBAND and you will accept nothing less. Don't let her get away with relegating you to a bf so she can have her cake and eat it too.

Yep she sure could of found a better way to deal with this. What really sucks is I got sick in May and thought I had colon cancer, scared the crap out of me. I sat for 2 morning crying my eyes out and wrote her a letter saying I was so sorry for who I had been, that pissed her off, little did I know she was talking to him already.

But that was the wake up call i needed and this really was a slap in the face.

Your 100% right. She could easly have me as a friend with benifits and have me there with my kids and she right now would be fine. Funny the affair had nothign to do with sex, she says im 100000X better then he was. No du I have been with you for 21 years I should be.

I think she thinks that she can have this fun for 6 or 8 months more and then we can get married again. I know one thing she told me she will never marry anyone again.

Well off to bed for now ill check this in the moring thanks to all of you for your repleys.

Ok guys, having not talked to her all day yesterday, should I contact her today at all? I might have to our cell phones are off and its my only phone. Just need help on the next step. I do want to save my marriage it just looks so bleak right now.

Falcon~

I think that you should call her, appologize for the LB's, tell her that you love her and that you are 100% commited to saving your marriage and family-stay on message here, don't even entertain the idea that there is any other way...Explain that the only way that you can demonstrate that kind of commitment full throttle, is for you all to be living in the same house, and therefore you are moving back in-STAND YOUR GROUND HERE-don't argue, scream and yell, just state the facts...that is the way it should be and will be, no room for argument or discussion...

Tell her that you are commited to making you a better you, and are going to start IC to begin that process-don't bring up counseling for her or the marriage at this point. Tell her that you see what was wrong in your marriage and that you accept full responsibility for your part in that...(I AM NOT SAYING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE AFFAIR BELONGS TO YOU, FALCON, BUT I THINK THAT YOU KNOW THAT)-At this point, I think it's best not to go into the A being her poor choice...let it be enough that you know that, go forward from there...her remorse will come later...

I am speaking to you as a FWW...let me tell you something that my H said that penetrated my "fog"...He said, "Honey, when I look at you, I see my future, our daughter's future, our future..." My husband saying this appealed to my EN for admiration-the fact that he could still look at me, despite what I had done to him, and see a future was pretty amazing to me-Of course, there is no guarantee that that will work on your W, but it might be worth a shot, so I thought I'd throw it out there...Ok Falcon, go try these type things, and report back...Don't let her discourage you, right now she can't be trusted to make good decisions...IT'S UP TO YOU TO DO RIGHT BY YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY-I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS...

Mrs. Wondering

Thanks alot, boy that will be hard to do. Might take a day or two of thought to work up the courage. She did tell me tho she sees us growing old together.

What worries me is that she keeps telling me the affair did not break up the marrige it was done before the affair started. I have told her I dont want that old marrige back I want a new relatioship with her one where I can be the man she wanted all those years.

Ill call and say im sorry today. See how that goes first.

By the way may I ask you what cause you to cheat?

Falcon, this is good...there is A LOT of hope in that statement, I said the same thing...I also said, "I can't imagine a world where there is no Mr. & Mrs. Wondering"...you might try saying that to her, just don't do it with a needy or begging tone to your voice-stay upbeat and positive-maintain that you will make it no matter what, you'd just rather make it with her...It is okay to tell her that being a "cake eating fence rider" is unacceptable to you-you establishing boundaries is not a LB...


Don't let this concern you, it's just fog babble...I know that your marriage wasn't perfect pre affair, but...If it was "DONE", why didn't she file for divorce? How did she see "growing old together" if it was "DONE"? See how inconsistent she is? IGNORE!!!



Glad that you see this...it will be hard for her to trust the changes in you at first, just maintain your resolve, keep improving yourself, she'll eventually get it...



STUPIDITY...INSANITY...INSECURITY...Gosh, there is no easy answer to that question...I never would have believed in a million years that I would become an adulterer...it certainly is NOT who I wanted to be...My affair was with my high school/college sweetheart-A VERY SLIPPERY SLOPE that I made the choice to step onto...he contacted me through classmates.com, and I put myself in temptation's way by allowing long conversations and too much sharing with him-I didn't show respect for my husband, my daughter or myself by doing that-I didn't protect the vows that I made...Marriage is NOT a commitment to NEVER be TEMPTED, it IS a commitment NOT to PUT YOURSELF in temptation's way...I FAILED MISERABLY...I could give you a million reasons why our marriage was susceptible to an A for both my H and I...I was depressed, my H worked too much, I was lonely...I wasn't helping my H out at all-all responsibility was on his shoulders, I never arranged a babysitter for us to go out, I wasn't keeping up my appearance, we never talked anymore...but all those would just be rationalizations and justifications for MY POOR LIFE CHOICE...My H came close to doing the same...it has come out that he propositioned one of our staff, and she said NO...who knows what would have happened if she had said yes, he might have cheated, he might not have, it's neither here nor there...He and I both feel so blessed to have found Marriage Builders...our marriage is happier that it has EVER been...we can't change what has happened in the past, we have chosen to move forward and be the best that we can be now that we both understand what marriage was supposed to be all along...

Hope that answers your question adequately...I'll answer anything for you that I can...

Mrs. Wondering

THERE IS NO [color:"red"]LEGITIMATE[/color] REASON...EVER!!!

Mrs. Wondering

Well it may be over now. Huge fight today, she called her work and let the security know. Like I would ever do anything to her. Started with me asking to see my daughter, well she said no for the first time ever since this started. That pissed me off but I did not do anything. We got in a big fight, it was a mess, she turned off my cell phone, she did turn it back on.

She says it was all those years with metal abuse. I know I was an [censored] and i did get that way at times, so I think its so over now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Even with all of this crap I still dont hate her at all.

Falcon,

The opposite of love is NOT hate, it is indifference. That is a quote from Eli Weismann. She is surely NOT indifferent is she? Calm down, have patience, and give this time. This a lot like fishing and requires skill, patience, time, and just plain doggedness. You can do this.

God Bless,

JL

I need to stop getting so angry and tear her apart. I feel so bad but when she starts her crap I cant help myself. What set it off the other day was, after all of this the affair ending, the guys she had sex with, and us, she told me she is talking to someone, I was like OMG you cant even give yourself time to think, why in the ****** woudl you even talk to anyone right now. Then the hammer came down. I really let her have it.

I shoudl not of.

Nope you should not have. You have not figured it out yet have you? Well, permit me to spell it out to you. She is NOT your slave. She is NOT required to do your bidding. She is NOT even required to make you happy (that is your job). She does NOT even have to stay your W.

So given all of that, exactly what have you accomplished by treating her as you have? What have you accomplished at all? She has to want this marriage and so do you. If either of you decide this is too much, you can file. Your job is not to whip her into shape or do her thinking for her. That is her job. Let her do it or not.

If she does not do it to your specifications...LEAVE.

Am I clear on this? Go read about meeting peoples needs and you will NOT find that it is required. It is recommended IF you want a happy marriage. I have yet to see anyone post on this site that felt one of their needs was to get 'hammered' by their spouse.

She has choices, let her make them. You have choices, start making them. But you cannot run her life, think for her, love for her, or MAKE her love you or respect you. You actions and her actions will tell the tale, so start watching, start listening, and quit talking.

You are hurting your chances doing what you are doing.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Your right, I think i killed it the last 4 days. My problem is im not sure if I ever had a chance. Im learning day by day. I just dont know why I do what I do. I do not understand anything she has done over the last 4 months. She has said she was sorry for doing it.

There have been times this last few months where I thought she wanted to stay married but then time when I have no freaking clue.

Divorce has been filed, it was 2 months ago. Thou its going to cost her 400 more bucks to get it to cort even. Who knows when she will have the money.

Ok she is not talking to me now, should I wait it out, untill she will talk to me. I did get some books on verbal abuse and im really going to work hard on myself, (thought I have guess I have a long way to go). Do I wait for her to contact me, should I write a plan b?

Falcon,

If she is not talking to you right now, wait it out. Don't worry about plan B yet. You want to go to plan B once she sees the new you. The you that can control himself and not get on her verbally. Doesn't that make sense? Her last impressions before plan B should be good ones. So don't argue, it reinforces her JUSTIFCATIONS for doing what she has and is doing. Don't feed her justifications that is the key to avoiding LB's.

God Bless,

JL