he came home just after 8:30 and it was as if he was
here but he wasn't---very much like someone who has a
lot on their minds and would barely speak but when he
did speak he was always very nice. he spent a lot of
time outside at which time I left him ALONE. I even
went to bed early.

he wasn't so distant in bed. as you know whenever
he's been getting into bed lately, he would always
turn so he would not face me. it used to be where we
would hold hands for awhile but not anymore.
lastnight he seemed to take a lot of deep breaths,
etc. even when he could look at me, i was the one who
turned the other way.

even this morning, he seemed very pleasant but very
lost in space. i didn't ask him anything and i am not
about to. i am giving him his space as he is one lost
soul right now and all i can do is pray.

the funny thing is that he says he has been praying
about everything. maybe that is not so funny but
considering his actions and words of lately, it is
odd. and maybe in a roundabout way, he does truly, but
would never admit that what his father says he takes
seriously. i alerted his father to what is going on and they support me 100%--thank God!!

i have been reading a lot here, and
so much of what is said is so accurate with what is
going on around here which includes the things he has
said.

like i said---prayer and God are my best friends right
now.

tomorrow at 1:30 I am speaking to the pastor
about my situation. should be interesting.

as for the cell phone calls---i find it very odd that
he has not called her in over a week. remember how
hot and heavy it had been on the phone??? but she does work where he works and they still see each other.

thanks for your continued support and prayers.

lastnight, after 13 beers, he told me that eventually
he and his woman would be together. he said she will
wait however long it takes. now i know why he really
wants me to get a job--no way. i will not do it.

and i asked him if she was a christian---NO,she is
NOT. This says a lot to me.

He says she knows a lot about me because all he does
is tell her praises about me.

Is this bizarre or what?

Everyday, he sings to the beat of a different drummer.

Thursday night he said he did not remember--this is
bunk because we were intimate for several hours. and
he even told me he loved me.

he is so blinded by the devil.

Has drinking, or other addictions, been an issue with your H in the past? I ask because affairs are a type of addiciton also.

She is not a Christian, this works in your favor to show God's love to your H at this time, and let him draw his own conclusions...

This will be a roller coaster, and he will be very unpredictable for a while. Bizarre doesn't begin to cover it, as you see. The fact that he sings your praises at this stage bodes well for your M I think. He hasn't completely rationalized all of your strengths away.

Thank you for continuing on the same thread, it has been hard to track your story across all the different threads! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NTL

no, the drinking started right before i found out about the affair.

It's avoidance, the drinking. It dulls the enormous weight bearing down on his conscience, since he is doing things he knows are immoral and wrong in your eyes, his kid's eyes, the world's eyes, and God's eyes.

Has your pastor given you good advice?

NTL

Yes, and he is going to attack your WH even harder every time he reaches out for you or God. Hold in there.

Psalms 57: Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast.

He has been drinking a lot on weekends. He said it is because he is partly miserable at home which I find very hard to believe because once he's home, he stays home.

He is trying to justify this A, I think, by saying that our marriage was a sham because over 15 years ago, I got pregnant and we got married. We had three more kids after that and we were happy!

Also, he asked me: If God is in control, then what are you worried about?

Then he asked me: So what do you think the outcome will be?

I told him that God will deal with this in his own time/way and that God will not honor what he is doing, etc.

He broke down and cried for about 15 minutes and I just sat there with him.

I told him that by him drinking this tells me he is battling the guilt and confusion he is going thru. He tells me he prays about this but yet, he continues the A. The woman is willing to wait for him, no matter how long it takes.

ANd he said he would wait for her.

My pastor and counsellors both told me that if he really wanted to leave, he would have done so. That she fulfills a need at the moment that I cannot give him but that I fulfill all other needs. That this affair will end but only God knows when.

I went to church with the girls yesterday and it felt
good to know that the Pastors and some others are
praying for us.

Doug has been drinking a lot. He says he does it
because he is miserable being at home, which I don't
fully believe.

I told him he was drinking because he carries a lot of
guilt for what he has done/is doing and is very
confused at the moment.

I did let it be known that this is a spiritual battle.

He tried to justify his affair by saying that our
marriage was a sham and that he did not want to marry
me. I told him that he is only saying that to make him
feel better about what he is doing.

He said no one can change what is in his heart--his
supposed love for this non-christian woman and that
only God can do that. I asked him if she was a
Christian and there was this long silence followed by
a she has the fear of God in her. I told him this is
exactly what I thought because a Christian woman would
not go after another woman's husband. I also told him
that she doesn't give a darn about his kids even
though she knows how much this is hurting them. He
said that wasn't true.

He then said to me: If God is in control, what do you
have to be afraid of?" Followed by a, "What do you
think the end result will be?" I don't know what he
was digging for but I told him that in the end God
will decide the fate but I also told him that God does
not honor adultery either.

This guy is being ripped apart but he must also
realize that even though God allowed this to happen,
it was he who made the ultimate deicision to commit
this sin.

He keeps telling me that he is tired of being
responsible for everyone and that I best get a job.
Sure, we can use some extra income but I truly believe
that it is her who is trying to push this so that I
can be self-sufficient so that he can leave and be
with her. According to him, she will wait for him,
whether it be 8 months, 10 years, whatever. He said
he wants to be with her but I have my doubts.

He seems to think that the kids will get over this and
that they have had time to digest all of this. He is
so wrong.

Another odd thing--he told me that he tells her
wonderful things about me. This to me is very
strange.

At one point yesterday, he just broke down and cried
for about 10-15 minutes. All I did was sit next to
him and hold his hand and said nothing.

The phone calls to her have started up again and this
is one thing that gets me upset because the kids will
walk in on him and so will I.

I did this yesterday and he said I really have a knack
for walking in when he is trying to talk to her.

The girls do not like when he calls her so they sat
outside with him until after midnight!! There are
times when we go to bed only to find out that he gets
up after I am asleep and calls her and talks for about
five minutes.

Tomorrow is Daniel's birthday and he is taking the day
off. We're supposed to go out to eat and I pray the
day is a good one for Daniel.

It is a fact that 99% of the time, whenever Doug calls
her, he is plastered. I don't even know how he dials
her number.

I'm hanging in there because I am fighting for my
marriage and I do love him. I know that this is a
major spiritual battle and I also know that this is so
unlike him. Two years ago, he would have frowned upon
this sort of thing.

How are you dealing with him having the affair while he is living in the house with you? That was way too hard for me - fortunately for me my WH left of his own choice both times, as it became way too tense around the house while he was cheating.

How old are your kids? It seems like you are saying they know more about this then I wish they did...?

Be patient, my prayers are with you and your family.
NTL

I am holding up because I am relying on God, my Bible, friends, family and our pastors who have helped me so much.

The kids are ages 11, 13, and 15 and yes, they know a lot about this.

How do i feel about him living here?

Wow--I am not sure I can put it all into words but this affair is very strange to me.

He has spent no money on her. I know because I have the checkbooks, credit card statements, have direct deposit, and I do the bills and checkbook. Heck, he does not make enough money to support a girlfriend considering he only brings in $960 every other week.

I just feel that he is very confused, guilty, and he does not know how to deal with this because he is very weak right now. He is not the type to break anything off for fear of hurting someone's feelings.

He claims to think he is in love with her and vice versa. Believe me, I have told her (and he knows this) that he is going nowhere and there is no divorce. I told her to give it up. She refuses. I have heard her voice and my jusdgment is that she sounds very confident of herself. My husband is in so deep that he does not know how to crawl out of this mess. I hate to say it but i am the strong one in the family.

He stays because he wants to and I feel that if I were to tell him to hit the road, she would feel as if she won her battle. Since she is not a Christian, I feel that I have to rely on prayer so much because in the end, God will prevail and he does not honor adultery.

I hope I make some sense because as you know, I have my few days of good followed by some very moody days.

Oh, you make sense alright!

You are centered on God, and that is the only place to be at a time like this! (Or any time for that matter! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I'm going to cut & paste something someone posted over on the recovery board that helped me a lot. It points out that yes, you are the strong one - that's how it usually is... that was so helpful to me. I know it's a little long, but trust me it's worth it!
NTL

Read what Frank Pittman says about 'romantic infidelity'


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Go over to the recovery board and look for Innocence_Lost - the post is titled something like "Is it a soulmate connection with WS or did the devil steal their souls?"

I think you will find it exceptionally interesting to read what people think about their A's and their partner's A's after the fact... very applicable to your sitaution, I really liked the exchange.

NTL

Thank you for your posts.

This is encouraging to me.

I truly believe in my heart that if he really wanted to be with her, he would have already left. He has known her for at least two years.

The drinking is his way to deal with the guilt and misery he feels. Of course, I would be the one to get blamed for his misery.

My husband has a wife who:

cooks him a nice breakfast each morning - - fresh fruit, cereal, sausage, OJ, etc.

I make his lunches

I cook dinner and it is on the table (cold lately) but he eats it anyway without complaining.

I wash his clothes

Homeschool his kids

Keep the house clean

Up until six weeks ago, we would tell each other we loved each other, had great relations (you know what I mean), and were always affectionate toward one another.

Now, 90% of the time, when he gets in bed, he turns the other way so as not to face me. It used to be where we would hold hands before falling asleep.

I really miss those times.

You will have those times again, I really believe that.

It really helped me to read that romantic A's happen in good M's more often than bad M's - because I also thought we had a good M.

But upon reflection he had some EN's not being met, as did I, and there was residual resentment from some history together, and our relationship had turned rather parental (me being the parent) after H's addiction history. I was the "right" one, the "stable" one, and one in control.

Well, now a year and a half later I have surrendered a lot of that control, and we are doing well.

You just hang tight... you can get through this!

NTL

Thank you for your posts.

They are helping me get thru this.

[color:"green"] I Thessalonians 5:15-22

See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to everyone else.

Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Keep away from every kind of evil. [/color]

Blessings to you tonight,
NTL

He says i am deceitful and manipulative and is ready to walk out the door to her.

he is mad at me because i have told her there is no divorce.

i am getting really irritated that he blames me when it is he who is causing me to feel this way.

what do i do--tell him to go when he only makes $960 every two weeks?????

says he cannot stand me and that i am manipulative and deceitful. why
is
that--because i call her and tell her to give it up. says he wants to
spend
the rest of his life with her and there is nothing i can do to change
his
mind. these kids are keeping him here. he says that after 15 years of
marriage he does not know me and i do not know him.

says he can't handle it and is ready to walk out the door.''i admit
this is
fdriving me crazy.

please continue to pray for us.

hsmomx3,

How are you and the children doing?