Hi Ahuman and LT,

Ahuman - I will get the name of the book for you. Désolée.

LT: I agree. Best to avoid a 'powerstruggle' with WS over anything that involves the kids.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
Maybe I should tell my daughters that they are to spend Christmas with WH and the inlaws.
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LT: Before 'telling' them what to do, I would suggest asking them how they feel about the whole thing (but not necessarily ask them to choose). If anything 'eventful' is happening with WH's side, to make them comfortable if they want to be there, and that, no, you will be OK while they would be gone.

At this point, my objective is to not place my boys in a position to have to 'choose', but rather how to best coordinate things so that they have 'both' of ....whatever.... and I certainly don't want them to ever feel responsible for my well-being (by the way, this people, is a major 'motor' of mine as to why sometimes I may be doing so well - and I feel the same way about my parents/family/friends....to which recently I added MYSELF to the list): not wanting to be a 'burden' to those I love and cherish is a source of unestimable energy for me to 'make it', enjoy life....not just survive...and, best of all, now know that the person who will reap the most from all my efforts??..... little old ME!

Thanks to all for allowing me to share...and for the time you take to 'read' me.

(((((luna))))),
Thanks!

Reporting time.....and things went much better than expected overall (but not related to Thanksgiving...up here in Canada, its celebrated in October)

Last Wed. night was parents' night at S9's school (that's where WS and OW work!) so I expected it to be a big challenge. The whole school has symbolic meaning to me! Well, I dressed as 'classy' as I could, held my head up high, and enjoyed chitchatting with my little one's teacher - always enjoy sharing about my boys with anyone, and was happy to do so with his teacher.

Then, Thursday night, parents' night at high school of S14. Got a chance to talk to 4 of his teachers (chose subjects where I think he will need some help with, got some good feedback - S14 is a typical adolescent who could definitely do better - but overall - is 'average' by design). Guess who was there - WS! Did not directly ran into him, but we were aware of each other's presence. Chitchatted with some of S14's friends parents - overall and OK night.

I took Friday off because S9's school was closed due to strike. Took day to plan S9's birthday for Saturday and basically spent the day 'shopping' with little one. Overall...preeeetty enjoyable! And I guess just for the record, WS offered to look after S9 due to strike and....could he help with anything re birthday party?) Stayed dark re offers because...OW is still in the picture!

Saturday was a really really fun day for S9 and his friends.... got lots and lots of hugs from S9. He was really happy! ....and mom was happy to see him happy (although very tired)!

Wonder if WS tried to imagine seeing S9's smiling face, all day, and having fun with friends...because he missed it!
But then, I am sure it was my fault for not inviting him...

Well, I will be a little busy this week...tonight going to the movies, Tues. night meeting a friend for supper, Wed. getting hair cut, Thursday out of the office (meeting collegues haven't see for a while), Friday night getting a 'beauty' treatment that I totally deserve...thank you very much!

Lunamare: a BS getting on with life (inspite of treatment from WS) who is able to look at herself each morning proudly in the mirror, taking it day by day, and from the looks of it.....headed to enjoy herself this holiday season whether alone, with friends, family, or with her two lovely boys.

Roger.

Back to the board.

PS I heard through the grapevines that WS is not doing so 'hot'. I definitely think it's a case of: be careful for what you wish for.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You go Girl!!! Sounds like a great week!!

Thanks, C42,

For awhile, because of the 'shock' of D-day,etc., I was feeling like I wasn't 'there' for my boys when they needed me the most. I wasn't too proud of myself for it although I may have had a good reason.

This weekend I felt a real turnaround happening with me...and somehow now know that I will be alright, me and the boys will be fine over the holidays (inspite of the ups and downs), and even if it's just the three of us....

My S9 had one of his best birthday parties this weekend, and I had prepared it all by myself...can't say I really thought about or missed WS because I was soooo busy preparing and serving 7 little boys.

Also, it didn't feel right for me to take the house key from S14 each time he left for dad's place, so this weekend I set that right, too: I looked at him straight in his beautiful brown eyes and told him that he could keep the keys because mom's door would always be 'open' for him - for now, I have no reason to believe S14 will abuse this privilege - and if so, will deal with at that time! Because, you see, we don't have any family in the city - no auntie, uncle, grandma or grandpa to go to!

I worried that staying in the house would be a continual reminder of the 'absence' of WS. Not so, the boys and I are getting real comfortable in it...it's getting back that 'homey' feeling.... I am taking 'charge' of the household...

WS better hurry up if he wants to change his mind and reconsider joining us..... because I really feel we are moving on....and it will be his loss! ....H...that is....WS better stay away!

It looks like I am starting to get the fact that it's not soo much what happens to you as much as how you react to it!

I hope the feeling lasts....and I am not on any drugs!

I am starting to see my old 'me' back (edit: old and improved), and I am so happy to see her!

P.S. I don't remember reporting it here, but I did inform WS (via message only - don't ever speak to him directly - a little bit like Mortarman did!) that I was going to let S14 keep the key to the house from now on even when the boys were with him...that S14 had mentioned that he found it frustrating at times having to deal with WS and so that if it could help the situation, S14 could come to stay at the house when needed - yes, I am 'opening' the door to S14 (going on to S15) and letting WS know it!

WS replied that he wasn't sure what 'frustrations' I was referring to and that things were OK with him and the boys, but of course, S14 didn't always get what he wanted, and invited me to further discuss the matter re S14.

My reply to his invitation was that, although I also thought it would be preferable that we discuss matters related to the boys and was sorry that the boys could not benefit from two parents 'talking to each other', I would continue not seeing or talking to him directly under the present circumstances (meaning, with OW in the picture). I assured him that I encouraged S14 to discuss frustrations with him directly and that I believed that his presence in the boys lives was essential and hoped that the boys would continue to be a priority in his life.

As far as I was concerned, I preferred being a 'complice' to choices and efforts whose objective was to unite and benefit our family, rather than those that were meant to divide the family and compartementalize relationships.

WS cannot accuse me of not being consistent!

Well, had supper with a friend last night.

Her M is on the rocks....after 36 yrs - her S thinks alcohol is the answer to his problems and can't get a grip over it!

Tried to be 'there' for her. The whole thing is so sad. They did a terrific job of raising their son of whom they are very proud....but my friend at this point is only looking to have some 'peace' in her life... can't take the tension anymore!...not sure what she will do... leave home...sell home...ARGHHH!

You might recommend a local Al Anon meeting to her. M saved or not, she could use the information and support she will find there.

Thanks, Aphelion. Will do.

Update.

Hi everybody.

Please consult this thread for summary of one of WS's messages to me. Thanks.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...467#Post2875467

Update.

Please consult this thread re request from WS to reconsider arrangement re boys:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...158#Post2876158

I posted on both your other threads. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks, Orchid.

Just to bump up 'regular' PLAN B thread.

Update.

An up and down weekend... some bouts of crying went on... I think it was so because..

...Sunday was S9, now S10's, birthday and I was not with him! ...although we celebrated it with a party the week before.

...had to think over issue of how boys can be with me and WS, separately, with the least inconvenience to them - right now they are alternating one week each and don't like it.

...the holidays are coming and I am starting to have some 'apprehension' about how it will be...

...WS's family will be having their yearly get-together and it will the first time I won't be going (WS plans to take the boys!)... I don't know how WS can go throught with this.....

Spoke to my mom.... if I wasn't going home, she had suggested that she and dad would come up...but her health was not so hot...so I encouraged her to make it for another time...and skip the busy travelling season....and she was relieved...otherwise I know she would have 'forced' herself.. and I don't want that... I prefer her safe in her home. I know she is there for me in my heart... 100%...always...it's just her age and health limits her these days!

Spoke to BIL, he's a lawyer, S14's godfather, and the one brother that was closest to our little family. I believe WS avoids him somewhat now I think. He saw WS and boys when WS visited their mom in the same city a few weeks ago. BIL didn't see any major friction between WS and S14, and S14 seemed to be able to hold to his opinions alongside of his dad. I summarized the situation for him - only phone messages with WS - no legal actions yet. BIL actually suggested that I not 'rush' in to quickly into the legal stuff.... WS didn't seem too 'chirpy' about his choices. If I hadn't made it clear to BIL before, I now basically let him in my PLAN B status: WS has been told that I would be ready to sit down with him and discuss any matters the day he announces to me that A with OW is over. BIL thinks that not talking to him directly is a good way of protecting me, and feels that WS has acted on 'impulse' and wonders how long he will follow through with some of his current choices. So... if WS decides one day to discuss anything with BIL...he won't be able to say that he does not have a choice, and can't fix it, M recovery not an option, blah, blah, blah...

...fortunately, the weekend ended on a happy note with a surprise visit by a family friend who lives close by and ended up have supper together.

I suspect the holiday season is a busy one for the MB board!

HUGS to everyone reading me.

Luna,
I think you are doing so well. Splitting time with the kids is so difficult. How do you cope with WH living so close? The apartment above the DR's office next door to us is opening up January 2006. WH made a comment wondering how much rent was. I think it would drive me nuts.

I think the boards will be busy over the holidays. How's your shopping going?

Hi C42, thanks for dropping by.

quote:-------------------------------------------------
How do you cope with WH living so close?
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It feels mostly 'funny' thinking of WS being in apt just one block away! We both walk the dog at the same place (only on different weeks).

Well, so far, I have ran into him only twice: once at the library, and once at the bank.

When I tell friends where WS has moved to, most smile...

Following your thread, C42, hope your WS wakes up soon.... it looks like you're getting closer to your 'limits'.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
The apartment above the DR's office next door to us is opening up January 2006. WH made a comment wondering how much rent was. I think it would drive me nuts.
----------------------------------------------------------

Yes it would, but aren't they already!

Look at LTranslation... her WS lives next door and she's in PLAN B.

Actually, it can give PLAN B more weight....being so near yet so far!...but definitely HARD! A lot of discipline is required - sometimes I don't even know how I do it- but I do!

Oh, to answer your question....I don't have a lot of shopping to do, so, it's under control.

Isn't it ironic?? My WS moved to his friend's spare apartment, just down the road. I have not bumped into him at all. .as he drives and I don't have a car.

When I sell this place, I am going to tell my agent not to reveal to him where we will be moving to. I no longer think it's necessary for him to know when the time comes.

I don't really have much to say abt arrangement re: Kids as I don't have children. Just wanted to pop by to show some support.

~A

Thanks, Ashley.

Following your thread. These are difficult times for you, too. I hope things 'smooth' out for you soon. [censored] luck.

Update.

This weekend (Saturday night) celebrated S14's birthday (so, now S15). It was a huge success! Took Friday off to plan. Bought him something he really really wanted. Got a chance to mingle with a dozen or so adolescents...they are sooooo cute together!

S15 gave me hugs and kept thanking me for preparing such a great party for him!

We also got a Christmas tree (the house smells soooo good!) and decorated it before the party... so the house was really lively and comfy with a beautiful decorated tree. His friends were to thankful for having been invited... did some taxi chores to get some home safe late at night... one stayed over.... lived too far.

S10 had a friend over so play with... because ados want to 'stick' together.... I had some family friends (who know the boys since they were babies) to keep me company, in the kitchen, and enjoy seeing S15 growing up... while S15 chatted it up in the dining room with his friends!

I was soooo proud of myself! I worked really hard and had lots and lots of things to eat.

WS left a message offering to help with getting Christmas tree up. I heard S15 talking to him and telling him that we had it all up and decorated already.

On Sunday WS had family get together.... and took S10 only with him...S15 had a choice seeing it was his birthday and decided not to go. Wondered if he took OW to meet family... Did not ask S10. Sooner or later I will know... and I would not be too surprised if he did! WS seems eager to 'normalize' A probably to help in the 'guilty' department. He seems to be preparing the boys for his next move.. to live with OW next summer... hoping to buy them off with them having a room each in the new apt. (because they are now sharing a room).

I am close to a few of WS's family members. It hurt to know that this would be the first one I would miss... but I survived!

Today I am a bit tired because it was hard work getting the house ready for the weekend party... but it was alll worth it! WS missed a really good party! I am sure that he had hoped that even separated we could 'share' boys events like their birthdays... not so!

Tomorrow is WS's birthday.... that will be another 'stumbling block'... the boys are with him.... wonder how he is going to work it out with OW.... maybe they already celebrated it 'together' before the real date.... Anyway.... I am glad for PLAN B... I don't NEED to know...

December is a big month for me.... 3 birthdays, family get-together - Christmas - New Year... all 'tradition' set moments....

((Luna))
I'm glad you had a great party for DS 15 .
You sound good...keep it up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />