Oh Luna!

What an admirable woman, mom, person you are! I hope that your strength of character will rub off on me!

Many sisterly hugs,
LT

Thanks C42 and LT.

S15 and I didn't even compromise on the SIZE nor the quality ($$) of the Christmas tree when we went to buy it. It's as big as usual! Took us a few minutes to figure out how to take it home... how to put seats down.. a real adventure, but did it. The three of us, bit by bit, need to prove to ourselves that we can 'manage' without the man of the house.

I would give anything to know how WS feels these days... how things are with OW... but I am really focusing on not trying to find out.... moving forward.... actually, I am a bit tired of WS and the ME..ME...ME attitude... taking up so much energy from everybody... me, friends, boys...

As I told my SIL, I intend to put the 'boys'on top of priority list, with me right after (and spreading the energy wasted on WS on US). We deserve the attention after so much of it has been 'lost' on WS. WS knows the deal - no other OW to even see or talk to me... so... don't have much to add on that end!.. except of course if he (or me) want to take it to another level - D, and in that case... I will leave to the attorneys! (According to BIL, WS is not keen on going there)

Reading is really helping me. I just started to read 'A Million Pieces' - have to take a break once in a while, hard to take sometimes even knowing that author got through it all (story of addict and how he got clean)... and another book: Achieving Emotional Literacy by Claude Steiner... a real interesting read!

Luna, happy belated bday to your 15 y/o!! Wow, you are handling things so well.

Trigger.

I just received an email from family friends with annual family invitation to spend New Year's Eve and Day with them. We only saw them a few times a year. The two families getting together was a yearly highlight which will not happen this year.

This summer I did tell them about WS getting own apt. but they don't know the details, but I think they are a bit in denial and don't want to think it's too serious.

I will have to write back and tell them that this year it will not be like other years, and it will be hard. We all enjoyed each other's company, especially the children, and we all had a fun time, never an obligation (as sometimes family get together can feel like).

This, my friends, will be hard to put behind... and I do have tears freely flowing right now (or is it also because I just heard WS's weekly transfer message and the reference to 'his apt' seems to have hit a spot, or because when I get home the boys will not be there - gone to dad's for the week - or a combination of all!)

Not to worry... I have gotten used to these moments... I will take my own advice to others... and wait for the 'wave' to pass.

I am glad I have you all to share my happy moments as well as my painful ones, and know exactly what I am talking about!

Hi Luna,

Sounds like you are doing well considering everything before you this time of the year.

Best wishes. Keep posting, we're reading.

Ahuman

Hi Ahuman,

I think so, too.

Thanks.

Well.

Without going into details, just for the sake of sharing the good and the bad, last night was not a good night.

Got a call from a family friend I had not talked to for a long time... and had to break the news... it went downhill from there on...

Given the circumstances, I am expecting these 'moments'... was not much of any use for anything afte that...so, just curled up in bed, tried to do some reading, and gave myself the night (and today) OFF.... no high expectations on the 'productivity' end... just trying to be 'functional'.... tomorrow will be better!

...hoping that all this is part of the process to get me to the other side!

Tough gig, the holiday season!

Update.

With WS living a block away, it wouldn't be surprising if I were to run into him more often, but I really don't, except yesterday.... on the street... going to the bank.... just said 'Hello H' and continued without breaking my stride.

I had just finished reading 'A Million Little Pieces' - James Frey describing how he overcame his addictions and was sooooo inspired... that running into WS was not a problem at all.... 'HOLD ON'is my new mantra.

I really think WS is certain that one day we can be friends... inspite of what I have said to him ('will not see or speak to him until OW out of the picture').... WS keeps making proposals: meet with an intermediary to discuss best way to deal with boys (I said it would be OK as long as professional met us separately); offered to pick up Christman tree with S15 (S15 told WS that tree had been bought and decorated already)...

Us being friends was part of his fantasy that will not happen! I wonder if he's 'getting it'...

I like PLAN B.... I don't have to deal with WS! (Can't believe it's been about six months since WS left home and I am still here!)

Saw 'Capote' yesterday. mmmmm really good performance by Hoffman.

Went to see Handel's Messia Thursday night.... in our city's most beautiful 'basilique'...what a treat!

The boys seem to find reasons to come by the house, WS and I living so close. I am happy to see them... gives me a chance each time to give them a big hug (I expect this to change as WS intends to move further away next summer.... plan to live with OW???)

But the summer is sooooo far away to think about.... that I will deal with that when it comes....I am learning that life can change literally in 'seconds' sometimes.... so, taking it one day at a time... appreciating what I do have....(the boys, friends, a home, family, a job).... rather than spend energy on what I don't have!

My emotions are all over the place, but I seem to be able to handle them a bit better.

Take care everybody.

Luna,

Glad you are doing well. Ups and downs are expected. I am 1 year into plan B and not doing well these last few days. It's probably the season... I've been much better. And I will be again soon, I hope.

Have a great Christmas!

Wow, you're strength is so inspiring. Plan B terrifies me. I am just moving into A. New and unexperienced and very confused about options and limitations. I know my WH has the we can all be friends fantasy too. What are they thinking????

CC46 and LC, Thanks for dropping by.

CC46 - quote:----------------------------------------------
I am 1 year into plan B and not doing well these last few days. It's probably the season... I've been much better. And I will be again soon, I hope.
----------------------------------------------------------

I bumped your thread in case you wanted to share a bit more about how you are feeling... I know it helps me to share.

LC - quote:-------------------------------------------
Wow, you're strength is so inspiring. Plan B terrifies me. I am just moving into A. New and unexperienced and very confused about options and limitations. I know my WH has the we can all be friends fantasy too. What are they thinking????
--------------------------------------------------------

LC: in my case, WS became so uncaring and insensitive towards me that PLAN B for me became a necessity just to survive... and yes, it was terrifying.... but it was that, or more damage... as I felt I was hitting or hit already the 'danger zone'.

...but you are right.... it has turned into 'strength' and it helps me to want to never cross paths with WS EVER again! Unless clear actions from WS confirm that H is ready to come home, I won't touch WS with a ten foot pole! .... for my own protection.

You see, I love my H very much (it's WS's strongest weapon against me), but I also love and care about a lot of other people, my boys, my friends, my family and including myself.

After D-day I was so in shock that I did PLAN A but it was at a very high price, not able to detach as much as should have, took what WS said personal... and this allowed WS to do quite a bit of damage.... so, my one defense, and as a promise and a way to protect myself, is to stay strong so not to allow this to happen again... PLAN B is the only way to go for me because with WS, it's like the 'enemy' knowing your weak spots - very very dangerous - and as a WS desperate to have what he wants, WS could easily manipulate me.... PLAN B is the only strategy possible to make sure WS does not have access to my 'weak spots'.

LC, don't fall for the 'we can be friends' line. Think of them asking you: Will you allow me to manipulate you so that I can have what I want at your expense?

PLAN B gives me the distance not to be 'tempted' and see WS offers for what they are: manipulation to get what they want, to relieve guilt and pain, to 'normalize' A, anything except to have any consideration for BS - its egocentricity at its hightest. We all have the potential to be a WS: some of us choose to go there some of us not.

I see our families as extension of ourselves.... we hurt our family members.... we hurt ourselves. So, a WS can never be at peace with oneself... cannot allow a 'minute' of quietness or a WS would have to face the enormity of the destruction he or she has caused... that's why a WS keeps very busy.

My WS has taken a very dangeous path... one filled with guilt and pain, rather than pride and joy... Can't blame him for not wanting to see it, because it would take a lot of courage... and not all of us have it!

I think my WS did a lot of damage and caused me a lot of pain with his lies... but nothing compares to the damage WS is doing to himself by telling himself even bigger lies needed... to enable him not to see, refuse to see, the damage he is causing.

Heaven help us all!

Hello everyone,

Just for the record, on top of all the triggers of the holidays, for me there is one added element of anxiety, and want to share it hoping it will help me to manage it better.

This summer, WS moved out and rented a small apt. a block from the house, so for the boys, it's not so bad when staying with dad because they are still in the same neighbourhood, same friends, S10 walks to school, drops by to see me before going to school...etc etc

...but we have a rental property 20 minutes from the house. WS is considering it because it would be a bigger apt., it would put more 'distance' between us, it's an area he has always wanted to live in, but it would mean transportation for S10 to his school when at his dad and of course the boys' afterschool routine would change when with dad... not the same friends...etc... For WS to be able to move into it next summer, the tenants need to be advised by the end of December 2005! WS has been discussing it with the boys because S10 has mentioned to me that next year he will no longer share a room with brother but have his own room while at dad's. WS and I are co-owners of the property, as with our house. I don't think he will need my approval to send the notice but does need to do the legwork, I will certainly not do that (but I don't think I would withhold it if he needs my signature).

So I am not holding my breath.... but it is another 'turning point', and if so, I would not be surprised if OW will eventually end up living with him there 'unofficially'. ARRGHHH! It all feels like it's all part of the affairees plan to one day be TOGETHER!

I don't think WS is happy, but also think that he has convinced himself that it is a 'transitional period' and all will be well once the dust has settled.... and then one day WS will realize that the guilt is still there, the boys are still not happy, BS is still hurting....

I know it will hurt... at least now I know the 'hit' is coming... unlike D-day!

I know WS would like to make this move with my approval... it would make life so much easier for him... but he knows he will need to do it without it... take full responsibility for his actions... and consequences....

...but I also know that WS is too scared to give up OW (having too much fun and has 'projects'), and not convinced enough about possibility of recovery of M... he doesn't think I will ever be able to forgive him... the problem is not my forgiving him.... the problem will be one day, him forgiving himself, and he can't run from himself...

I think WSs suffer from shortsigtedness... short-term pleasure for long-term pain... but that day will come!

Follow-up to my post.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
WS and I are co-owners of the property, as with our house. I don't think he will need my approval to send the notice but does need to do the legwork, I will certainly not do that (but I don't think I would withhold it if he needs my signature).
----------------------------------------------------------

Well... the form was waiting for me at home to be signed... and when it came down to it... I was NOT prepared to sign it... he may still send it with only his signature... but tenant could contest it...

It may not stop him... but it will have to be without my consent... I expect him to be mad... but I will not stand by and see boys taken out of their neighbourhood that easily... and on top of it... have WS 'host' his OW in apt that I co-own????

I think it may be time to give some lawyers some money.... evaluate assets, and go for a legal separation of assets at the very least..... if not D.

The gist of my message to WS:

I would not stop WS from trying to repossess apt...but as I have already told WS you can count on me for any efforts whose objective is to reunite family... because I believe that we had not yet 'earned' our way out of the marriage (one of the prerequisite being terminating A with OW, but he knows this and I didn't need to repeat this)... so, for now...still not able to be part of anything that would further 'separate' our family.... and would therefore not give my consent to the repossession of the apt.

With this issue I may have given WS and OW a reason to 'unite' again against the 'outside obstacles' that are tying to keep them apart.... but it can't get any worse than it already is.... and I am starting not to like being linked 'financially' with WS... if it's really what he wants... then legal steps need to be considered in that direction...

Anyway... leave it to WS to wait for the last minute.... so this whole thing would coincide with the holidays - as if more drama was needed!

****** could break loose over this!

Luna -

Sorry this is coming at you during the Holidays!!! You stand strong in what you believe is right.

Do you think though that if WH & OW were to move in together they might LB and then their Fantasy world would crumble? I would definitely not wish them to move in together & I would not wish that upon myself. I think it would drive me insane.......such a tough spot.

But then you have to bring in the boys. I would not allow it either. Knowing that OW might "live" there while your children are around.

I'm thinking of you! You are an amazing woman!

Kim

Kim, Thanks for the support.

WS will think I sound like a broken record... but at least I am being consistent.

I am starting to feel like LT... getting sick of the crap...but still love H.

I spoke to SIL (psychologist) and BIL (lawyer) and they both were basically OK with the idea that if I don't want to sign...I shouldn't (but then they both think I am the best thing that happened to their brother...) both SIL and BIL want WH to face consequences, emotionally and legally. If it's really want he wants.... he should be able to take all the consequences and no cake-eating....

Anyway... waiting for the other shoe to drop.... but I do feel stronger if I needed to face WS.

P.S. to Kim... by the way... I do think they live together... one week out of two - at her apt! (when the boys are with me)... WS can only be reached by cell, then.

Update.

Last night, woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted to kill my WS fro putting our family through this ******..... good thing for him that I am in PLAN B!

Hi Luna,
I know what you mean...sometimes when you are not expecting it sneaks up on you. How can WS not get the enormity of the A. And how it hurts so many people. I guess it comes from living in a fog insulated bubble. Sometimes I look at my WH while he is sleeping...he looks like H...and I just can't understand why he would choose this for his family.

I hope things are clear for you in the light of day...glad you won't be spending Christmas in jail for killing WS. Thank goodnes for plan B! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

C42, Thanks for dropping by,

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I look at my WH while he is sleeping...he looks like H...and I just can't understand why he would choose this for his family.
-----------------------------------------------------------

See.... I need to be in PLAN B..... had WS been next to me.....GRHHGRHHH! Better for me to be in PLAN B!

Oh, yeah. I now remember reading that in one of your posts.....Sorry, that I fogot...

I think Plan B is doing the same thing for me that it is doing for me. Plan B was my deliverance from insanity.

Those feelings roll in unannounced sometimes. And they just take you over. I can't stand that. WH was lucky he wasn't right there with you!!

Kim