Luna,
You've read about the different stages of grief haven't you?
I'm not sure I've seen you go through the anger part. Despite the calmer atmosphere that comes with Plan B as opposed to living with an unrepentent WS, we still do have our days don't we?

I am one that has been guilty of angry outbursts with my WH... I can have a knarly sharp tongue indeed --- who needs a knife?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Kim and LT, Thanks for your postings.

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I'm not sure I've seen you go through the anger part.
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You're right, LT... Maybe BECAUSE I am in PLAN B, and NC with WS, the anger is surfacing...or maybe it's an emotion that I am learning to accept more easily.... I am not really sure why..... I have noticed other 'changes' in myself.... like, I don't take things as seriously as I used to... surprising myself at how easily I am managing on my own (after over 20 yrs of partnership)... I think I thought it would be much harder... doing things for me because I know I deserve it and need to look after myself (because nobody else will!)... there is this 'calmness' at home that I am really enjoying...

Following closely both of your threads... the holiday season seems to have an effect on both of your WS. I am hoping they both see the 'light'!

Update.

Had a terrific time at a party on Thursday night. Needed to update a few acquaintances I hadn't seen since last year about my new 'status'.

WS left message trying to justify 'move' next summer - and that he wants to make it more 'comfortable' for the boys when with him... while forgetting to consider that it would take them out the neighbourhood, far from their friends, and S10 needs to be 'driven' to school rather than walk, and S10 would probably not be able to 'drop by' for a hug from mom each morning when with dad like he has gotten used to... and that in the new apt. he and OW could consider living together.

WS also reminded me that it would be good for the boys and we were able to 'speak with each other'.

Maybe I slipped...but I could not help but leave a reply.... that what I thought boys needed were a place to call 'home' and not have the need to 'travel' back and forth from mom's and dad's place...a need to be part of a family.....and that I was very disappointed because I know we could do better.... I also agreed that it would be a good idea if we could 'speak to each', and to let me know when 'circumstances' (end of A) have changed to allow this.

Anyway, Friday did some shopping... today also.... but I am working hard to 'get through' these 'family' moments filled with good memories of the past!

I suspect WS cannot be doing that great, either... he used to love this time of year.... but all needs to be sacrificed for the sake of being with OW (which I think he didn't expect to...in his fantasy plan). Has the price started to get high or not? I wonder.

Anyway.... taking deep breaths often and keeping busy....

Luna -

Just stopping in to say Merry Christmas!!



Exactly! Your WH keeps playing the "talking for the sake of our kids" card and mine is using the "talking for the sake of our finances" card. They just don't get it!

Kim

Sorry to hear abt the sudden twists and turns relating to yr WS bad choices. I hope that things will work out ok with DSs somehow.. I don't know if they ever realise that it's their bad actions that starts gathering speed and a whole lot of repercussions.

And we'll have to deal with it somehow. Stay strong.

Hope you had a good weekend.

~A

Hi Kim and Ashley, Thanks for 'dropping by'.

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They just don't get it!
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Yeap, Kim, until they do know, better NOT to have WS in our lives.

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And we'll have to deal with it somehow.
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That's it, Ashley... and the more time goes by the more I seem to get stronger!

I am happy to report that we have a terrific weekend overall, DS10 went to movie with friend and his dad, spent yesterday busy putting 'together' his Christmas gift and was pretty happy (got what he wished for), DS15 met up with a few friends here and there...enjoyed his gifts....and I enjoyed myself here and there passing some time together with the boys... stalking up on 'hugs' whenever I could..... I love my boys so much, and they are sooooo cute.

It was quiet, it was pleasant, got up when we wanted to, did want we wanted to... I don't think I could ask for more (given the circumstances...)

Much much more pleasant then I expected it to be..... it definitely is good to be away from the 'chaos' of the A, inspite of the 'moments'.

Well.... off to have breakfast....

I am not sure what WS is up to, but I definitely seem to care less and less, ready for him to do about just anything to get what he wants... and I will just deal with it the best way I can..... I now have 'ME' back in my corner.... who will not allow WS back in my life until.....

I am glad to have back myself as my own best friend! I have nothing to be ashamed or guilty of...actually...I am feeling quite proud of myself....given the cards I have been dealt!

THanks to everybody here at the board.... from the bottom of my heart..... for being there, reading me and posting to me... I really don't know what I would have done if you all had not been there for me... encouraging me, not giving up on me....if not for anything else but one thing..... I don't feel ALONE... and I have all of you to thank for that!

Update.

Had a call from family friend with whom celebrating New Yr's together, 2 families, had become a tradition.

Well, it looks like WS had phoned and asked, for the boys' sake, if he and boys could join them for New Yr's, as usual. Friend figures it will be uncomfortable without me there, wanted to let me know (and not find out indirectly) and wanted to know how I felt. I said it was their decision, for which I already knew the answer - they would go along with WS plan and help 'normalize' separation for the sake of the children - theirs and ours.

To be honest - can't blame WS for asking friend, otherwise, because of his decision, the boys would have missed out of an event that is a highlight of their year.

WS seems to have a plan - to 'normalize' separation with friends and families (this way, I guess, eventually, he will feel fine with me out of the picture, which will allow eventually for OW to come into the picture).

....so, everyone seems to be 'moving on' except me!

....the more time passes.... the more I feel the pressure from those around me to 'move on', to consider 'talking and seeing' WS, for the boys' sake.... I am getting the feeling people around me feel I am 'stuck' and why can't I accept separation and move on.... look for someone that will 'care' more about me..... because WS sure as ****** isn't!

Anyway....the whole situation really sucks!

Again, good thing I am in PLAN B, because otherwise, I sure feel like giving WS a piece of mind about what I think about he is doing - and probably would have felt bad afterwards for doing so!

...and by now, I am learning that, yes, come Dec. 31st life will seem to continue as usual, just that I will not be part of it....and it will hurt....it will hurt real bad!

...if not, I would not a BS, and would not be here.

...but, I gotta tell you people, this one will be TOUGH to swallow!

P.S. ....and yes, at this moment right now, I do feel like throwing in the towel.... I feel silly right now as a BS hoping that WS will one day 'miss his family and more importantly, me,' enough to come to his senses.... when his actions right now send a very clear message that he doesn't want me in his life (except to talk about the boys)...

..as a BS, I feel like I am fighting an 'uphill' battle, while for WS it's a downhill one, with support of OW and slowing but surely with that of friends and family..... the odds are stacked up against a BS.... and I certainly feel sometimes that I am the one stuck in the 'fog' and who needs to 'wake up'...

There is a popular book out there entitled: 'He's just not into you..' I haven't read it.... but I suspect a WS's actions fit right into the category of CLEAR messages being sent... and it's the BS that doesn't 'get it!'

Needless to say, I am NOT surprised at the turn of events... now, on how to get through it...

How about time for new traditions since your WH is breaking the old traditions?

Take your children to a new New Year's celebration.

Make other plans.

Plan B. With grace and style.

Thanks KA, I appreciate the support.

Update.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
Had a call from family friend with whom celebrating New Yr's together, 2 families, had become a tradition.

Well, it looks like WS had phoned and asked, for the boys' sake, if he and boys could join them for New Yr's, as usual...
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Well, had a phone message from WS...we usually all stay over at friends' house for New Yr's....well, WS intended to only drop off boys and not stay...and wanted to know if I had wanted to go with the boys instead....

I am trying to think, but I believe they may be our only friends who are still an 'intact' family... W/H/2 kids and a dog... I think WS would not feel comfortable, it may mean triggers for him as well, I don't know, but WS also did not want to disappoint boys (or feel too guilty)... seeing that he 'jumped ship' and these friends really believe in 'family values' and one sticks together no matter what, because we know they have had their differences and challenges.....

Well.... if you have been following my thread, I had already declined my friend's invitation....because I know it would be too many triggers for me to handle....

Anyway.... I replied to WS: seeing that celebrating Dec. 31 together with our friends was a 'family' tradition, I would do so again the day we would be a family again.... I was sorry to hear though that he did not intend to stay with the boys...

I hope WS changes his mind and stays along with the boys... WS needs to 'face' some of the consequences... and the fact that I would be the only one not there.... ouch! that could hurt, maybe!

Anyway, I find the whole situation pretty sad.

I am doing better....because I now know I will make it...either way.... but I also know now that it will be a difficult road... where it will require of me more than ever before patience, courage, hope, perserverance... you make it... and so, whenever I can, I try to find moments to 'rest' because it looks like it will be a long long trip...filled with a lot of unknowns...either way!

Tonight, I am a little bit tired.... tomorrow will be a better day, and I know I will be OK.

yes, Luna, a long road.

I went for a long walk today and felt much better. Exercise does have that effect.

We'll do it together...

Luna - I can so relate to that. I have not read that book either & don't plan on it for the time being. Would probably just get me down??? But you know what?? It is your WH's LOSS> You are a wonderful person. Simply amazing. I'm so glad you are your best friend again. I am working on that too.

Regardless of how this turns out, you know you have us here. Isn't that great??

Plan B, continue on!!

Kim

Hi cc46 and Kim: thanks for dropping by...

I don't know where I would be without PLAN B to protect me... I remain slightly sane in this mess only because of it!

...but it is hard... it's a great exercise in 'discipline'

Keeps me sane also. Hey, you aren't ususally on here this time of the evening are you?

Everything o.k.?

Kim

Gee Kim,

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you aren't ususally on here this time of the evening are you?
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I am impressed... you are right... it's because of the holidays....

Take care... and 'thank heaven.... for PLAN B'

Just dropping by... and wishing you a good New Year's, lunamare!

...truely wishing you a HAPPYNew Year!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Ashley and C42, Happy New Year to you, too, and take care.

Went to see a very interesting French movie - 'Joyeux Noel' (I guess in English it would be: Merry Christmas) by Christian Caron... really enjoyed it... it's apparently based on a true story....in the trenches during WWI... Scottish and German and French troops actually end up celebrating Christmas together... stopped the shooting for 24 hrs or so... what this film said to me is that, inspite of war, violence and destruction that separate us... something stronger can pull us together if we allow the love and compassion in our heart and soul have a place in this world.... needless to say.... it 'lifted' my spirit...

...that doesn't mean that getting through today, tonight, and tomorrow...will not be a challenge... it is and it will be... but I am not alone!

Happy New Year to everybody here!

Please know that you are all dear to my heart...


P.S. If anyone is curious about film...I just noticed on cinema's program it's website: www.joyeuxnoel-lefilm.com

....just wanted to add a few thoughts...

want to confirm that while in PLAN B, IT IS better for BS to have the least possible information about WS... or be ready to waste some energy on something that BS has no control over..... like, what WS is thinking about, doing, planning to do....

I talked to a family friend who had see WS recently.... told me...found WS not being clear on what he wanted.... 'disorganized' was the actual comment... WS did not understand this 'my not wanting to see/talk to him business'... and a short discussion took place about our situation.... this particular friend feels we need to 'finalize' things and divide our assets, etc. etc. in order for me to be able to move on....and that with time.... once I was totally detached from WS... I would probably be able to see and speak to him....

I took what she said from her perspective, which is not mine ....this particular friend, although loved her S very much, chose to separate from S because of alcohol abuse a long time ago...she was young..and did not know how to deal with it...and had a small boy to raise... she removed herself from the chaos that S's alcohol brought to their lives....

I found that I was jealous of my friend.... because I realized she will be able to see and talk to WS... something that I desperately wanted to do....but could not do under the circumstances...because WS was not my S...she is a family friend who loves me, WS/S and our boys... she will be doing a juggling act to keep ties with all of us.... but would like us to see get to a place where we are all hurting less....

Next time I see her....I have decided that.... I won't stop her from telling me she has met with WS.... I will just not 'dwell on it' with her.... because it has cost me.... and hopefully I have learned that I need to continue to better protect myself from WS

I do love my S and I haven't and don't intend to stop loving him....I also love myself enough to know that, at this moment, our lives cannot interact.... because being a WS....seeing and speaking to me with a 'closed heart' would only cause him to hurt me..... before I let him back in... he needs to get to a place where he can see and speak to me with an 'open heart'..... which is only possible if A ends.... that much I know...

....as I have already said... I am find this a tough road to follow....but it is an enriching one also....

One year ago I could not have imagined I would be where I am today.... seeing that reality surpasses the imagination.... I chose not to 'expect' anything for next year.... I will be where I will be.....

because one year from now sounds like 'forever'.... because it depends on soooooo many moments not yet lived.....

I will end this with a big hug for everybody....

thanks for reading me....