HTW:

Are you in PLAN B, HTW? I will try to locate your thread.

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I truly don't understand how the WS can be fine with only seeing the kids every other week.......

It is so very selfish!
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I agree...and the worst part about it.....WS seems to need to deny or minimize the hardship on the boys (never mind me!)....to alleviate guilt!? ..... if he could at least 'admit it' and apologize to the boys (I certainly do on a regular basis), but then that would mean having to face some 'responsibility' for the situation we are in....

Anyway, I can see the 'seeds' of resentment building up in the boys towards their dad....and it makes me sad.... because I am pretty sure one day WS will realize, when it will probably be too late, that the 'prize' was not worth the 'price'..... as it might be a lose-lose situation between him and boys... because they 'get it' better than their dad right now!

....in my case, my 15 yr old DS already goes reluctantly to his dad.....if WS decides to have OW move in with him....or even just moving out of the neighbourhood, it might just 'tip the balance'..... and as much as I would like DS to have a R with his dad.... I certainly don't want OW imposed on boys.... as 15 yr old DS already feels he should be allowed to decide to just 'stay with me'......and I might just say 'OK'..... but then I think this would be very hard on my 10 year old DS.... who already feels time goes by quickly the week with me....and 'long' when with dad..... without his brother there....I suspect he would find the week with dad to be even more so.....

....and all this time, WS seems to be 'clueless' to all of it..... but then I don't know..... I am in PLAN B.... and have no idea what he is up to or thinking....except that he is planning to move out of the neighbourhood!

One thing for sure I can say...... one year ago I was totally devastated by WS's decision to move out.....literally paralyzed! (as some of you may remember).....not so today..... and although I am generally a very modest person.... I have also become my own best friend and need to let you all know that I am proud of myself today about how I have handled myself since.....how I have managed, by sticking to PLAN B, to keep WS away from me.....and by doing so, 'protect myself'.....because with his choices WS is no friend of mine!

.....I am very sad, though, for the loss of my little family, and for the fact that my 'boys' will not have a 'family' to call their own... but rather a 'mom' and a 'dad'.... very very sad..... but will and am moving on.....slowly.....

One other thing I can say for sure..... my boys have no doubt that their 'mom' loves them to death....because I tell them and I show them......they make it easy....they are so loveable!!!!

...I must admit.... bit 'emotional' today.....maybe because I worked very hard yesterday on backyard....and managed to do just about everything that WS 'used' to do.......and it looks pretty nice.... I guess I didn't think I could do it.... and am touched because I am seeing that I am a 'fighter'.....deep down..... I am a fighter....and didn't even know it!

Doesn't it feel great to get this with such strength? I'm a completely different person - never thought I would make it.

In the end the WS will realize that family is the most important thing. It just takes some time.

Hi Believer,

quote:----------------------------------------------------
Doesn't it feel great to get this with such strength? I'm a completely different person - never thought I would make it.
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...I know... I guess this would be the 'flip side' of an A....a BS's realization of own strength and courage.....
I do believe that an A is a life-changing event...like the death of a loved one, even though it may not be part of the 'cycle of life'!

quote:----------------------------------------------------
In the end the WS will realize that family is the most important thing.
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I know, B..... it's in the timeline..... sometimes they get in time to give it a shot at salvaging marriage & family....sometimes not!

...but I do believe the children lose out the most out of the deal!

How does it feel, B, to have 'formally' turned the page with your WS?

Congratulations <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> on your new skill of furniture assembly!

Hi CC,

At the very least, PLAN B forces us to 'explore' untapped potential!

My 'artistic' talents are next on my list....

Take care.

I am trying really hard NOT to think about it....

...and thought coming to the board might do it..... one year ago WS decided to 'move out' and did so by going off and staying with OW right off the bat, temporarily..... he eventually got an apt. about a month later..... saying that it was never his intention to STAY with OW......

...in July WS is moving to a bigger apt..... will he now ask OW to move in with him? ...If so, how will I feel co-owning apt. that WS and OW would be sharing?.....and our two boys being 'permantently' exposed to OW? (I suspect they have had to share some evenings with OW there) How will I feel about our 2 boys being further away, out of the neighbourhood, and knowing that the 'going back and forth' happening now will no longer be possible (I expect to particularly miss my morning hugs with DS10 who drops by before going to school)......

...what I see as my current challenge is how to stop playing the 'if' game..... in one month I will know.... no use wasting time on it before then.... and however I will feel then... will deal with it THEN..... and just know that whatever happens..... I WILL BE OK!

.....I suspect I am not looking forward to this event mostly because I know it will involve feeling some PAIN..... and to be honest...I feel I have had my share of pain this year and could use a break from it....but that's not how life goes, is it?

...and I guess this 'anniversary' is also reminding me of the pain I was in last year.... and I shudder just 'thinking' about it.....

....I am just going to have to keep REAL busy for the next month or two!

I do feel lucky having this board to come to! ....it has been one of the 'upside' of this whole ordeal......


Edited to keep track of threads LUNA starts - see:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Update.

Just venting....so be warned.

For those unfamiliar with my 'case', OW is a 5th grade teacher where DS10 goes to school and where WS is a 'professional resource person'.

DS10 is going into 5th grade next year...knowing from previous experience that the 'personnel' know waaaay before the parents with whom the kids are placed with... and since WS is 'personnel'....as part of one of my messages I asked WS if he knew who was going to be DS10's teacher next year... (as an aside....I was under the impression that OW was 'retiring' this summer....)

Well.....WS's reply was that for 'ethical' reasons OW would not consider taking DS10 in her class....and that I should not worry about it.... and that actually this information was confidential and he was not comfortable leaving me a message about it, and would have preferred we discuss it 'not' by messages....but directly....

I am fuming..... can you imaging.... WS citing 'ethical reasons'????....... when WS and OW, being both married with families, found it ethical to lie and cheat their spouses and families in their workplace????... and making it a very uncomfortable situation having an A at DS10's school????

Every time I go pick up DS10 I need to focus on my DS10's big smile.....for it not to be a 'trigger'.....and NOT think that this was the 'scene' of WS's and OW's cheating ways? .... and the personnel 'tolerating' it????

....and he was not 'comfortable' leaving 'confidential' information as phone message????

...I really can't believe WS said that!

....of course, I am also very disappointed...because if OW will choose NOT to have DS10 in her class....which is good....(because if not, I had every intention of speaking to the Principal and cite 'personal' reasons and request that OW NOT be allowed to be DS10's teacher).... this also means that OW is NOT retiring yet...... I believe 'work' projects are the 'glue' for WS and OW...... and I guess if she had a choice of continuing to teach or not....I can see her choosing to continue teaching.....and continue collaborating with WS!

Anyway..... I guess I was counting on OW 'retiring'...just to see if A would continue were they not working together.... and I am realizing that I am a lot more disappointed about this than I thought!

It's a good thing I don't have WS in front of me..... (PLAN B) because I would have had to work really hard to not give him a piece of my mind...and LBs all over!

.....I sometimes think of the man I married..... and then I see the person WS has chosen to become.... and it makes me really sad!

....I am sooooo disappointed.....

....maybe it's also because it's about one year - June of last year - when WS moved out, etc. etc. etc.... and this whole period is really a big 'trigger' for me..... I do feel 'vulnerable' somehow..... need to protect myself.... and while I was in 'crisis' last year and I could go and seek my 'friends'.... I am not as comfortable doing it right now..... because I don't think they will understand.....

...so I am doubley glad MB Board is here.... I know many here will understand that it may be easy to say.....'move on'....but much harder to do......

There... the 'moment' seems to be passing by.... I experienced much too much pain last year..... I am not quite ready to go 'there' again... I intend to just keep busy.....I feel the need to somehow 'postpone' the pain..... to later.... somehow.... the wound is definitely deeper than I thought.....

....I am glad to know, at least, that I will not have to deal with the possibility of OW being DS10's teacher..... and I also wish she would go to ******!

OK....it's done...it's been said..... this was a little bit out of the ordinary...I am going back to 'regular' programming.....

Thanks to those that will read me.......

....I am so glad for PLAN B....and that I don't have to face WS..... because I really don't want to see him... not what he has become anyway!

....I guess I am also feeling discouraged as well.... a bit tired..... I am not working the next few days.... I will try and plan things with ME in mind.... to take care of myself.... God...this is hard!

Bye!

Hi Luna,
At our school parents often request certain teachers or to avoid putting certain kids together in same class. The pricipal does classroom assignments at our school. Just to be sure why not request your DS not be in Mrs.Hoskank's class because she is having an affair w/ your H. Did you do exposure at the school? They probably already know. Maybe she'll retire afterall.

CC, thanks for dropping by... I am going to catch up on your thread right now.....been away for a while!

The 'school' knows.....and is 'tolerant'... OW is supposed to be one of its most 'respected' teacher...... She certainly doesn't get my vote on that ONE!

Anyway.... it's hard to believe that one year has passed....and compared to last year.... I certainly have come a long way..... for those of you that were around.... I am sure you will remember what a mess I was...... but.... I have also come to realize that the wound will take a very long time to heal..... a very long time!

....I have to be very watchful.....triggers are just around the corner...

Luna,

I will preface this by saying that I have a very low tolerance for those who DON'T expose. My suggestion is this:

Go to the school office when it opens:

Luna: Hello, my son will be in the 5th grade this year and as a concerned parent I have some questions.

School Clerk or Admin: How can I help you?

(see the trick is to let them think you w/b asking a normal mom type question).

Luna: Well, I need to make a special request regarding my child's placement in his class.

School Clerk or Admin: We can't make special arrangements for students. The classes were already assigned last year.

Luna: Oh, so if one of the 5th grade teacher's is having an affair with one of your student's parents, you will subject that child to have to endure the A while at school? Does the school board know you do that at this school?

School Clerk or Admin: Uuuhhhh....uhmmmm..... just a minute, let me get Mr. Principal.

Luna: Ok. I'll wait.

You see the point is NOT to minimize your request. Don't accuse, just keep asking questions that will force their hand. School board is a biggie. PTA is another one you can use. If others are in the office, don't whisper. Shame needs to be brought out... you didn't say it was your child, you simply asked a question.

Now, I took the A issue and reported it to my son's school and daycare (on school property). Why? Because at one point the OW had insinuated I was an unfit mother and she may come and take my son. I notified the school and daycare of that possiblity and all were on alert. My son was 6 at the time. I would rather be prepared and assume and learn the hard way. In your case, the OW is at your child's school.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

Let me understand this, Orchid... even if I know the school and Principal know about the A and are being 'tolerant'....... (which I guess WS can now justify by saying that he has moved out and is NOT living with OW) I should still speak to the Principal about it?

IMHO, making that request in an open environment (whether the principal knows or not) is the key.

Remember not to accuse, just 'wonder out loud'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Imagine if other parents were around when that was stated?!?!?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

I told both of my kids teachers what was going on. To benefit my kids...if they had a bad day or acted out in school or their grades suffered or they had difficulty socializing I wanted the teachers to know what was going on. It was in the best interest of my kids lets face it teachers are a big part of our children's lives they spend a majority of the day with them. I don't even think I would be able to keep my kids int he same school as OW let alone the same grade level. He will have to see her everyday whether he is in her class or not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Hi Luna,

It has been a while since I dropped a note. I have been working full time for the past six months....so read less, but try to look up your thread to see how you are when I do.

Seems you have been well as of late.

If I do recall, you did expose didn't you? Seems you sent a letter to the staff or something...or maybe you spoke to the school? Cant remember. If you say something again, I would add that they had the A long BEFORE he moved out.

I know you mentioned about the LB thing, but sometimes it seems your WS get away with EVERYTHING!!! Grrr. It seems someone should be there making comments about lack of OW ethics. Here he has destroyed everything and he still gets to have a BS that is CIVIL to him!!

Dont suppose you would let me call up WH and let him have it!! He is in la-la land with the whole "ethical choice" thing.

Wouldnt it be just great if a whole bunch of parents requested not to have their children in her class because of what she is doing!!!

Anyway, I am just projecting--and maybe sound hypocritical since I am a FWW myself--but I certainly have had to face the flames so it just grits at me to see your WH get away with it all....

Hang in there.

Well....

I 'worked' on what I wanted to say to the Principal of the school of DS10 all morning.....because I decided to call him....thanks to you guys!

...even if I know he knows.... I wanted him to tell me how to proceed on making a formal request so that DS10 would not be in OW's class next year... because, you see Mr. Principal, as a parent, I would have a hard time collaborating with your 5th grade teacher seeing that she is my WS's mistress at the same time.....

Mr. Principal was very nice to me.....assured me that it had already been taken into account....and yes...he knew....

When I asked about how come the A between OW and WS was being tolerated.... he obviously started to quote: private matters and persons' rights...... and, in particular, union members' rights! ....because were administration to say anything that was not directly related to school matters.... it could actually be sued!

Anyway....he seemed very nice...but apparently his hands are tied in dealing with 'private' matters..... he seemed sympathetic to my not feeling RESPECTED....

....and, yes, as a parent, I would very much appreciate it if the subject of 'inappropriate friendships' between teachers and kids' parents could be brought up with the personnel..... seeing that as parents we trust the school with our kids and our kids' education..... we expect a more 'exemplary' models from the teachers....seeing that the school is promoting 'respect' and 'responsibility' towards others.....

Overall... it did some 'good' to talk to the Principal... at least, I got the assurance that SD10 would not be placed in OW's class... that he was aware of the situation but that he could not do anything about it!

Thank you, particularly to Orchid, for 'pushing' me to talk to the Principal.... I knew I had to do it.... even if it is a year later....even if he was aware of the situation..... and yes, I made sure he was aware of the fact that the A had started looooong before he moved out.... just to be sure!

Hi Ahuman,

Thanks for dropping by....yes....I agree.... grrrrr! ...but I am sure.... things will catch up with WS and OW..... sooner or later..... the Principal was not very impressed with their 'behaviour'....... and did try to be as helpful as possible.....

...now that I think of it..... I should not have even bothered to ask WS...... I would not have had to hear: 'you can trust OW's ethics to not accept DS10 in her class'..... should have gone directly to the Principal.... like I finally did.... oh well.... live and learn.....and it looks like the 'matter' was discussed and that DS10 was purposely not assigned to OW's class... (it was not 'her' choosing at all!)

Thanks....having you guys in my corner... made it easier for me to find the courage to call and discuss A with Principal...

I had thought that it would be frustrating....seeing that I knew that he could not do anything... but actually I am glad I did.....anyway!

P.S. to Ahuman,

quote:---------------------------------------------------
Dont suppose you would let me call up WH and let him have it!!

.........YES I WOULD LET YOU!

Wouldnt it be just great if a whole bunch of parents requested not to have their children in her class because of what she is doing!!!

.....THAT WOULD BE .... G R E A T!

Anyway, I am just projecting--and maybe sound hypocritical since I am a FWW myself--but I certainly have had to face the flames so it just grits at me to see your WH get away with it all....

.....I KNOW..... WS IS TAKING THE 'EASY' ROAD.....DOESN'T WANT TO DO A N Y H A R D W O R K!

Hang in there.

....I AM....THANKS!
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....but.... really.... Ahuman....wasn't I a real mess a year ago! Thanks for your interest in keeping 'track' of me..............

I am definitely at a much better place NOW! ....no direct contact with WS.....although he is still grumbling on occasion on how he would prefer to talk to me 'de vive voix' about 'confidential' stuff..... like OW not being DS10's teacher next year.... because it's supposed to be top secret until September! ......

......anyway....WS telling me that I should 'trust OW's ethical sense' I think, should make the list of 'unbelievable things said by a WS'... I still can't believe that he said that!

...so....Ahuman......you say you are working really hard..... would you say, too much?! ....and how are you doing, overall?

***I am fuming..... can you imaging.... WS citing 'ethical reasons'????....... when WS and OW, being both married with families, found it ethical to lie and cheat their spouses and families in their workplace????... and making it a very uncomfortable situation having an A at DS10's school????***

Luna,
Avoiding LBs does NOT mean you are expected to stuff down your feelings and protect the WS from the truth.

You have every right and every responsibility to tell him the cold hard truth about how his actions are directly affecting you and directly affecting your children.

If you don't, you will only make his affair very easy and comfortable for him and allow him to tell himself that he isn't really hurting anyone and that you and the kids are adjusting to the situation just fine.

Don't be afraid to tell the truth. State it calmly and coolly and give it to him straight. Just try to avoid adding #$$%(*!!! and )*&%^^###!! at the end of it. *That* might an LB.

The truth is NOT an LB.
Mulan

I'm sorry..I admit it..I laughed.

I would have had a very hard time not asking if the word "ethical" tasted funny coming out of their mouths.

Curiously self righteous aren't they?

That's great news Luna! Yes, you are in a different place this year no doubt.

On exposure. Tell the other parents.

If a parent asks which teacher your child has, respond: Oh I made certain that he had _______ because (OW name) had an affair with my H for a year. She has had no problem with it and has never so much as admitted to me it was wrong, nor ever apologized. I find it repulsive that the administration is tolerating someone so dishonest teaching our children!

Also, can't you file a complaint with the union?

It's never too late to get out the TRUTH!!

P.S. As for me,(thanks for asking) I am tantot struggling and tantot happy.

My H recently said that he has started to build a little trust <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />! HUGE DOUBLE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ! After 2 years of battling the beast of a situation that I created, we may be moving to higher ground--or at least out of the cave of insecurity and pain.

I still have a lot of trouble with the shock of the reality of it all. I imagine it is worse for you BSs, but sometimes I still cant believe that I put us here and that it will never go away. Never go away.

Recovery reminds me of a hike I used to take on a mountain near the equator. It is steeper than a stair case for the first while and there is no visibility at first, so at each switch back you turn to face, yet another STEEP (and sometimes STEEPER) staircase. Then after a very long, HOT, muggy time, you reach a clearing....and this clearing leads to a ridge...and you say YEAH WE MADE IT! Only to discover, its not the summit and you still have a long way to go. And each following turn appears to be the top...only to unveil...you still have a long way to go....

So to put it shortly, I am past the steep staircase...and onto the ridges, but seem to have a long way to go to the summit. Ah well. "Tao" is the best approach, I find. Not focusing on the summit, but accepting the experience (good and bad) of the trek!