Sex was always great and holy bond with H and I prior to D-day 6 wks ago. H was with a prostitute, and relapsed at the same time after an extensive time of sobriety. We are on hold for sex because STD tests have had to be done (not saying I would want it now anyway, because I don't). Awaiting results, and then more have to be done in 3 months, because there is a window period of 3 months for aids test. Anyway, H is working hard on recovery, and bible studies, family commitment, etc... He just does not talk to me. If he does talk to me it's surface stuff, talking about others, daily tasks, etc... no marriage/relationship stuff. It seems he is withdrawn, or unless he gets sex, he just doesn't care about me.... one or the other. I feel like... is he only an excitable, talkative person when sex is involved? Why doesn't he at least try to talk to me and build a relationship again? I started feeling today his only motivation for any relationship with me is sex or nothing...maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. When I explained it to him today, he just looked dumbfounded and denied it.
I am just starting to feel worthless in this marriage unless sex is in it for him, and that is not fair. That is the impression he is giving me.

Lady

Lady:

I'm a bit confused.

So is he wanting to have sex with you now?

Has he stopped drinking?

No he is not saying anything about SF because we cannot have it at this time due to waiting results of STD testing.
It will take a total of 3 months before we can even think of that. He just isn't talking at all about us, and I'm wondering if it's because there is no SF.
He is the type of guy that is very talkative during SF. Now he's not talking at all.

No he is not drinking, and working at everything else it seems, but us.

Lady

Lady,

I wish I had some words of wisdom like you give me but I don't. I do wish you the best. Maybe he is worried about the test results and does not know how to talk about it.

Are you going to MC? He is going IC? Maybe this would help. Sure wish I knew some way to help you. I am praying for you both to make it through this.

Hurting

Thankyou Hurting.

Yes your probably right he may be worried about the tests.
And he should be. But he said he used protection. Maybe he didn't.

We see our pastor that married us tomorrow. He does MC. I'm not sure if he is a licensed MC. I will find out then. My H has had individual counseling for years and years!

Lady

Thats good your seeing your pastor. One thing you know he is definatley pro-marriage. I am sure with time and counseling Lady all things will fall in place.

Patience is a virture I am learnig more and more about each day. I used to not have any but I am learning to have it now with this going on. So be patient with each other and I am fairly sure all will be ok.

Hurting

Yes some days I lack patience. You know right now I don't care about SF, and don't know if I ever will again with him. He is totally avoiding any marriage talk and me for some odd reason. I thought maybe it's the fact that SF won't be happening for a long time, if ever!! He is a very sexual man but he is a fearful man too, and I just hope he doesn't look elsewhere again. I worry about that too.

Lady

Lady,

I pray he doesn't look elsewhere either. Who kows what the future may bring you both. Maybe with time and counseling it will all work out....

I hope so too Hurting. Thanks.

Just keep praying Lady..... God has a plan .....

Okay I'll do that.

Lady:

Why are you saying, sex, if ever, with your WH?

Are you thinking of divorcing him or are you thinking of a marriage without SF?

How about Affection without SF?

Do you hug and kiss even though he is not talkative?

Mimi, No I am withholding all of it for now. It's very difficult for me to give myself to him in these ways at this time. I talked with him about this after I started my thread the other night. He says he will not pressure me, and understands why I feel this way...He says he knows I am grieving.

Love, Lady

It sounds to me like he's probably very ashamed of what he did. Shame can place a big obstacle to communication.

I think your association of communication with availability of sex is jumping to conclusions.

Yes, when we talked I brought up wanting to know details again, he was ashamed and cried alot. Made him feel better but not me. He is grieving as well. The pastor did not show up for MC yesterday. I don't know why. We called him on his cell while waiting, no answer, left a message and asked him to call us back, and he hasn't yet. Strange. I prayed if it was Gods will for us to go to MC with him, it would happen. It didn't happen. Why??????

I think your association of communication with availability of sex is jumping to conclusions.
Yes, but it is one of his most talkative times, it seems to bring on all communication with him....

Lady,

Have you decided not to do PLAN A?

At this time I am not plan A'ing, I am probably punishing.
A few days after D-day, I hugged him and cried, then I pulled away from anything affectionate.

I know I really need help with this.

Don't you have your answer as to why he may not be talking to you?

Why did you come to this decision?

I am trying to figure that out, it could be shame, it could be because there is no affection toward him. Did you feel like being affectionate to your H after his waywardness? Did you punish him at first?




I guess I am not willing to let down my guard yet. I am guarding my heart, being I don't fully trust him yet to give myself to him in any affectionate way.

Lady

Correct me if I am wrong..........but I thought Plan A was a short term "plan" to end an affair.....the "affair" or "relapse" in this case is over...and in the original posters words...the WH is "working hard n recovery and bible studies"...Mimi, how long should lasdysheep do the Plan A in this case given the fact that the affair/relapse is over?

Perhaps I have the situation wrong, either way I am always happy to be enlightened.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />