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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He needs to know that your seperation will be indefinite. You can't commit to allowing him back in a week. I brought that up tonight. I told him that I needed it to be indefinite. He hadn't even called anywhere like he said he would. I told him he said he would have somewhere to go today. He said o.k. I'll call now. So, he got the phone book and called around - When he was done he said that he thought he found the best rate. He will be gone tomorrow. I feel like I should pack some of his stuff in the morning so they will be waiting at the door for him. Alls he will need to do is get his stuff and go. Again, he brought up the refinance stuff. I closed him out and said I couldn't talk about that - he said I will go with the condition you will start looking at that. I told him I would not look at it. If only he had been this persistant in "approaching" me about our M when he felt like things were going "bad." I'd still have a faithful H!!! I feel like a failure b/c he is still here. Tomorrow is my drop dead date. I am going if he does not. I cannot let this be "unimportant" and not be a priority. Oh & before all of this he again asked me if I wanted to go over to his friend's to watch the football game on Saturday!!!! Have I not been clear? What does he think "time apart" means. He said he was leaning towards a separation a month ago. I am going to have to be more firm and not so emotional. I guess I shouldn't hug him, be more cold so he will get the message that I need him gone. I was looking through our Marriage Album tonight. I so wanted to ask him what he thought of the person in those pictures & what he thinks of himself now. I most likely would have only gotten WH babble. Glad I didn't ask. Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Jean, Here is what I suggested to my BH. I'll keep the kids in the house during the day, and you keep them in the house at night. I slept on my neighbors couch for awhile. My OM was a long distance relationship. When OM didn't come to town fast enough to meet my needs, I wormed my way back to sleeping at BH house (on his couch though) The night OM called me to say he was coming to town, I was out of BH's house like a shot. I don't know what was going through BH's mind, but I will never be able to undo the pain that I must have caused that man. Thanks for sharing that. I am trying to get him out. It is easier said than done & he is one reluctant, persistant rascal. It's like he has blinders on. I'll keep rooting for you and your M. I want to see yours as a success story! Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Regarding WH and DS:
I would never keep DS from WH. However; I see that it is in DS's best interest to be with me. He does not need to be exposed to a potential situation where he is around OW for one thing. Secondly, WH works nights so how in the heck would he be able to keep DS? It's just not possible. WH will be welcome to see DS anytime he wants, but I will reserve the right to make sure it works around my schedule and is not inconveniencing me. WH does have rights to his child, but I have a responsibility to protect DS as well.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, you are NOT a failure! You have made it clear what you expect and I think he understands and is going to follow through. I suspect he is sort of shocked and is expecting you to change your mind, don't you?
VERY GOOD on making it clear that this is indefinite.
I like your idea of packing his stuff and leaving it at the door. Now, the issue of him coming over every day is going to have to be addressed, otherwise you will be going through this on a daily basis where he will want to hang out and spend the night.
Here is what I am thinking. Get him to move out tomorrow and then plan on delivering the Plan B letter to him on Saturday or Sunday. Then have the locks changed the day after you deliver the letter.
You are doing great!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Good job Kim,
I think having his stuff by the door in the AM is a great idea. I'm glad that my cake eating experience as a FWW was helpful. Hopefully your WH will get knocked off the fence and back to reality much faster than I did.
Thanks for the well wishes, and know that they are coming back to you and your family.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Stop, The night I gave my WH the letter I very nearly didn't because things felt so good. But in reality, it felt good to ME, I have no real way of know how it felt to WH. I hope I left him with a positive impression that will last and help him to recall the other positive things we've shared. I read about how you gave your WH the Plan B letter. That is such a huge point. The BS might be thinking things are going so good, you are feeling happy and good but the WH might be feeling the exact opposite in the same given moment. In my case, after WH & I had another "discussion" about him leaving I went over and sat near him and gave him a hug. I ended up in his lap and we just sat there together for a while. I rubbed his hair and he was hugging me back. That felt great to me. But do I know how it felt to WH?? Nope. It could have been torture for him. Good point. I AM SURE though that you left him with a positive impression. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Melody - I guess he is kind of shocked. He will be getting a week's stay at some extended-hotel place. He said he almost called our friend today(about staying with them). I am going to encourage him to do that. DS is out of school tomorrow. I am planning on taking him to a movie, just the two of us! That will be fun!! I love going and WH never really cared for it ---- DS is excited! It might be a bit cold for me to put his stuff by the door. But I think he will finally get the message. Or you could look at it as "Gee, that was thoughtful of my wife to get my things together." I'll do stuff like toiletries, vitamins, etc. I'd hate for him to be without! I don't know if I am 100% going to do that......I really should though. Jean - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, just pack what you think he will perceive as being kind and helpful, rather than mean. I think you understand that you don't want to appear cold so just do what you think is right.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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he again asked me if I wanted to go over to his friend's to watch the football game on Saturday!!!! Kim, you are doing good.......the "crow" is simmering, and has been tested a few times...I just have not wolfed it down just yet, I am still trying to find all the perfect ingredients for it.......your marriage recovery strategists here seem to be guiding you A-ok.....you certainly don't need input from moi.....what I would really like to know, is what football team you follow on Saturdays...I have seen you mention this a few times already, and now I am curious. Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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[what I would really like to know, is what football team you follow on Saturdays...I have seen you mention this a few times already, and now I am curious. Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel - will do! Lem - Hi there! Keep the pot simmering....It should be good and tasty by tomorrow. WH is an Ohio State fan. Me - Georgia Bulldawg!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Graduated from college there ---- huge fan. Do you follow any college team? Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim,
Thank you for your kinds words on my sitch. Your right the analogy my IC gave me today on this sitch was wonderful. It sure woke me up.
I know everyone here was saying the same thing to me but the way she said it really made me see it.
I am glad I decided to go to IC, even though its not been long it sure is helping already. If you are even considering it you should really go. It actually does make you feel better.
The strength I have gathered just over the last few days has been remarkable to me... Yes I still have my down time and probably will for awhile but I now have a plan and that makes it so much easier to handle....
You stay strong Kim and things will fall into place and you will feel better.... Try to get a good IC I promise you it helps....
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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MelodyLane - You are making me giggle!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Hurting -
I might go back to the MC that WH and I were using before he decided it was "just too much for him to handle." I had made an appointment and then canceled as I decided to spend some $$ with SH. I wish I could afford more with SH, but I really need to be cautious with the $$ right now.
I liked the MC, but I don't believe she had much experience "saving" marriages(as many here pointed out). She knows my sitch & I think she would make a better IC than a MC.......
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Mel - will do! Lem - Hi there! Keep the pot simmering....It should be good and tasty by tomorrow. WH is an Ohio State fan. Me - Georgia Bulldawg!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Graduated from college there ---- huge fan. Do you follow any college team? Kim Is it ok with Mel Lane( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)....LOL to talk about this on your thread when it does not per se relate to Marriage Building........? I am a Penn State fan (lifetime....it is in my blood), and will be rooting against the hated Ohio State Buckeyes on Saturday night while I enjoy a few cool ones.....This is a major game for the rebuilding of the greatest and most well respected program and coach in the nation....This game is big. I would have given alot to go to the game, but "circumstances" didn't allow for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> The bulldogs? That seems like a pretty fun place to watch a college football game...some rowdy die hard fans. Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> P.S. Sorry for the intrusion on the Plan B strategies. Honestly at this point, you know what to do on the PLan B thing, Ms Lane has directed you in all of the other issues....I don't have anything constructive to add, so I threw this out there....maybe it will take your mind off things for a few seconds.
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Sorry, Kim! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am getting jaundiced about football. I work with all guys and all day it is football, football, football.....blah, blah, blah. They have even hung a football scoreboard thingie on the wall outside my office at work! This is their gathering place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I am taking customers to our suite at Texas Stadium on New Years Day and now they want me to get them tickets to a college football game. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I don''t even KNOW a college team outside of my alma mater, Texas Tech. I don't know what a Big 12 is. sigh...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My WH left for a short time last March. I packed his bags, got up with him in the morning, walked him to the door, hugged him I told him that I hoped he would use this time apart to think about what he really wanted and to remember that he had a family who loved him. I kissed him on the cheek and told him I hoped he could find what he was looking for....He wanted to come home the next day. I let him come home after just a week of saying and doing the right things. It was too soon. It was uncomfortable but it wasn't enough to REALLY motivate him. You are doing great. Stay strong and DO NOT let him home to soon. He really does need to want it and EARN it.
aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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I know what you mean Kim. Its an expensive thing. Thats why I have not called the Harley's I simply can't afford it.
But I do like my IC and she seems to be in sync with the MB's ideas. So I believe that will work out for me...
It sure can't hurt you try and see if she will work for being a IC. She may just be the ticket ya never know.... Good Luck...
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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I don't know what a Big 12 is. sigh... Melody Lane: I saw want to make a "naughty" comment here....but in the spirit of this Christian beliefs founder of this site, and the probably very offensive nature of the comment...I will abstain....... Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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