Bearing in mind that God CREATED communication, I have always wondered why God seems to sometimes choose the most suspect means of communication !!

I mean skywriting isn't beyond Him is it ? Or a burning bush or two ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pray in it FF.

Bellevue and Bob, thanks for your responses. I will continue to pray on this. As Pep said, there really is no hurry to act on it. Yes, Bob I do believe that God communicates unusual ways. Bellevue, I have heard God speak in my mind before and yes I could be wrong as to whom is speaking to me but that voice has not led me to evil in any way. I do however wish not to harm my DD any more than we as her parents have already harmed her.

I will let this go for now. Thanks all very, very much. I will continue to pray for answers.

I have heard God speak once to me. It was when I was confused and suspicious my husband might be having an affair, a month before discovery day. It was after the, "I don't love you and haven't for the past ten years speech."
I was sitting outside in my rocking chair,(I rock to comfort myself, habit that is 42 years long) and had been praying for quite a while when I heard a voice tell me,
"Be still and listen."
He only spoke those words.

FF - I agree with FAR that God speaks to us and may be preparing you for the opportunity to help others by your experience and growth. I think that opportunity could more likely come on an individual level rather than an open air confession.
Who says you have to tell your 12 DD? IMO 12 is abit young to deal w/ such adult issues if they don't have too, like going to a plan B or worse. I like Bellevue's approach to teach our kids the pitfalls w/out confessing all our vices. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No way

Hey FF -

I'll throw my $0.02 in!

We've never told our daughters anything about the past. Thankfully, our oldest was too young to remember, though I'm sure that some of her 'issues' are a direct result of some of the actions that Mrs. RIF chose while she was in all of her A's... but that's another topic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Having said that, in my mind, the health and welfare of our daughters is much more important than confessing a sin that has been forgiven by God and by me. This sin was not against anyone in any our present church so I don't believe there is any reason to expose our daughters to the pain of knowing that their mom WAS an adulteress.

I do believe that there will be a time when God will use our past experiences to help others... but for me and Mrs. RIF, that does not involve exposing our daughters to her forgiven past.

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF, my dear, dear friend. Thank you. My instincts have told me not to tell my DD. Maybe way in the future if it applies but to hurt her now for what? I believe as time goes on God will reveal to me what He has in mind for me. It could be He is going to send a WW to me and that will be my confession. For now I will keep this to just the people that already know.

RIF - in my opinion, by posting and advising here, you are already using your past experiences to help others. Something directed you here and you have always been willing to share your words of wisdom with people in similar situations.

FF - Just wondering - is it because your daughter knows about your WH and perhaps you feel a little uncomfortable that she sees you as the 'innocent party' here, whereas in fact you have walked in the shoes of a WS?

Personally, I feel your DD just recently had her life shattered by the discovery of the OC. She's got enough to cope with. TT

FF,

We all have thoughts pop into our heads. Even non-christains do, LOL. We don't have to assume it was a message from God, but on the other hand, it might be.

I actually think it is a very good idea.

You will be amazed how many people will come up and talk to you, or call you in the days to follow. Some will be torn about coming clean with their secrets also.

For your daughter, the truth is also a gift. All secrets cause shadows to fall on us - on our families - communities - however far the secret goes. Being able to talk to your child about everything in your life will prepare her to talk to you about everything in her life.

This truth will not harm your daughter, to the contrary it will strengthen her.

Truth is a liberating force - as Jesus himself said "the truth shall make you free."

If you are not yet sure, I suggest reading Family Secrets, by John Bradshaw

-AD

Although the above words are very true…there is also a time and place for everything on this earth… Even God say so in his Word. And IMHO, now is NOT the appropriate and right time to reveal this to her little daughter. Especially NOT at the vulnerable age of 12 and taking into consideration all the other difficulties her daughter is going through right now.

FF, mind if I "chime in with a late opinion?"

Bad idea.

I would tend, barring any other evidence, to think that the dream you had was either your "guilt" working on you(dreaming will do that sort of thing) or Satan "twisting" God's truth yet again with the intent of getting you to do something that would be harmful and detrimental to you, your husband, your daughter, your families, your church family....etc. "Stones cast into the waters of life have ripples that extend out for a long way."

The Matthew 18:15-20 model of CHURCH discipline is clear....it STOPS and goes no further when the sinner repents. The INTENT of discipline is restoration of full fellowship, NOT gossiping about someone's "bad choices" to show how much "better" we are than "that person."

Gossip destroys.

There are many in the church who are "not strong" in their faith and are learning. They may even find it hard to forgive. Many well-meanning folks have a hard time "relating" to those they think have committed "unspeakable crimes," like murder, abuse, and adultery....the "thou shalt NOT's" of the 10 Commandments.

The ultimate "balance" of whether to disclose past FORGIVEN sin is "what good would it serve" for someone else to KNOW.

In marriage, the operative thought should be along the lines of "what goes on between a husband and wife STAYS between a husband and wife."

FF, NONE of us is perfect. We've all sinned, and we all continue to commit sins, both big and small. "Forgiven" does NOT apply to the "sinless," as Christ was not "forgiven." He FORGAVE despite what was done to Him and on behalf of the "bride" he was to build a new relationship with.

"Silence is golden" is often true. "Engage brain before tongue" is another truism.

Certainly NO talking about the affair should occur, especially before something like the church, without the FULL and ENTHUSIASTIC (not begrudging) approval of your husband. HE is "in control" both as the BS and as the husband with God-given authority in your marriage.

"My thought is that He feels I have something to share to help others"

Okay. A good thought. But aren't you doing just that sort of thing through your participation on MB? And the folks here are "hypothetically" in need of help from what you've learned through your experience...they are ALL faced with the exact same problem you were, and are now equipped to "help with the same comfort that you yourself received."

If you feel a strong burden in this area, then you could also pursue becoming a professional counselor, but before you do, take some time to "feel the heat" of those who might disagree with you, or misunderstand what you are saying even though you have nothing but their best interest at heart. It takes a thick skin sometimes to be a counselor.

God bless.

ForeverHers, I was thinking the same thing while I was reading FF's original post, but I was afraid to 'say' it out loud.

Faithfull follower, don't just assume too easily it was God's voice talking to you. Be very carefull and 100 % certain before you do anything. Pray and ask for guidance in this regard. And don't do something if you have doubts and if it doesn't feel right to you... You sound like a person who have a strong instinct and 'gut' feeling, so listen to that too.

"If you talk to God you are praying – If God talks back you are schizophrenic”
Although the person who told me this was an atheist and I a Christian I really like that one.

I try to live my life in accordance to the teachings of Christ. I would not in any way deny God can and does talk to us. However, I think He is more like a parent who wants His child to learn from trying, doing and even possibly stumbling as we go along. He will stand behind us and offer His protection, but we will lead the way. At all times we can turn to Him.

I have so often prayed for something only to realize much later that the problem was solved in a totally different manner than I could imagine. I think the Rolling Stones really coined it when they sang “You don’t always get what you want, you get what you need”.

Since I believe in an all powerful God I think that if he wanted to get a direct message to you he would not be mystic or vague. However, your conscience might be talking to you and how your conscience is “programmed” is based on your values and how you live by them.

I wish you the best of luck and speedy recovery. I will pray for you.

Well said, ForeverHers, and I agree 100%. I don't think its a good idea to attribute every "message" to God. Sometimes it's my guilty conscience and sometimes it might be satan. The pertinent question should be: does it align with God's Word and does it make sense?

This is why I love you all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Also why before I do something so potentially life shattering I put it "out here" for opinions of people I trust. I will wait. I will pray and I will continue to protect my DD. Above all else my children are the most important to me. FH, though I would only do something with the enthusiastic agreement of my H, he is still currently a WH and my stbx as well. So his vote does not count as much as the needs of my children. Thanks so much for jumping in. Although it seems at times that I may react quickly to things, stuff like this I toss and turn in my mind before I do them. I talk them over with those I trust. I do not act in haste believe me.

Testimonies are given to glorify God, not to hurt the innocent or cause gossip.

Only God knows if this was a message from Him. Seek time in prayer and in the Word. Know this-God does nothing outside the bounds of His character

My daughter found out about her father's infidelity at the age of 12. During her elementary school years they were close but now she says she was always afraid of him and wouldn't look at him because she was afraid he would rape her. She identified his infidelity as not only a betrayal of me but an attack on her. I seriously doubt they'll ever have a normal father daughter relationship. She's now 19 and will only speak to him when she needs money for school and told me if he ever came back home to live, she would never come home again (she's in college). If people only knew what a tremendous price infidelity will exact from them...

Keep in mind not only what she's going through with her parents but what she's going through with her development. They are so sensitive during puberty.

JPH, I agree it is very difficult time developmentally for her. She just found out about her father's A and OC last month. I don't want to hurt her further.

FF, thankyou for bringing this question up. I have a 3 yrs old son, and my H says he hurts to know that DS will know of his fling. DS does not understand, he's only 3. But I also have a 20 yr DD, 15 DS, 16 SD, that all know. He seems to be more concerned about the 3 yr old knowing...wierd. I think they are very surprised I have stayed with him, trying to forgive. DD 20, does not like him at all, thinks I should leave. DS 15 doesn't talk much, but I think he is looking at the forgiveness part. I have had to do a lot of forgiving in the teen years, and DS has saw me forgive him and DD many times over, so understanding the forgiveness lesson comes a little easier for him. My H is not continueing in his fling, it was a one night thing. If he was, the only lesson my children would be learning is H would be out on his kanister...

Love, Lady

I think the worst problems are caused by incomplete explanations. The imagination of children can fill the gaps with things much worse than the truth.

In the case of jph's daughter, she probably knew that "daddy did something wrong s*xually" - and didn't know exactly what it was. If she had known the complete truth - in clear, straitforward explanations, I don't believe she would have had that fear. For example, "Daddy would call the other woman on the phone and she would meet him at a hotel".

And the secret, in order to stay secret, will spawn lies - and more lies to connect them etc. etc.

Again, I recommend Bradshaw's book, where he shows how these secrets impact the family for generations.

-AD

FF--This has been an exceptionally hectic week for me, and I don't have time go back and read what everybody else has said...so if I'm duplicating an entry I apologize in advance.

Basically, I think if you're going to go through 3 pgs. of postings in an effort to find out what to do, you're just asking for confusion, since each one of the good people who has responded to your question has an equal right to his/her own opinion, however different those opinions might be. The same would go for my personal opinion, if I were to add it to the mix.

In a matter like this, I think the only opinion with any weight is God's. Fortunately for us all, He's told us what His opinion is, so we don't have to wonder. And we can always know, too, that any direction we receive from Him personally (in whatever form it comes) won't contradict what He has already said. I don't have time right now to look up the Bible references. If you want them, let me know on your thread, I'll find them for you later.

The Bible does say that confession is a prerequisite to forgiveness, and essentially you can see by how sin is dealth with in its pages that this necessary confession is broken into 3 categories. (1) Private sin between only the individual and God; (2) private sin between one individual and another (and God, of course); and, (3) public sin, open to the view of many...or of all. In order to be forgiven, private sin must be confessed to God; no other human being needs to be involved, or even know about it. Sin involving another individual (which is where your A would be, as far as I can see), is to be confessed to the wronged party or parties, and to God. Public sin must be publicly confessed. In no case does God require exposure of one's sins, or the confession of them, to more people than were involved in it. It is certainly an available option for anybody to tell someone else about their sin and God's forgiving mercies (if it weren't, the Sad Saga of OtherSusan the Stupid would've been a LOT shorter, wouldn't it?), but it is not mandatory that they do so.

David's sin of adultery with Bathsheba, and the subsequent murder of her husband, was well-known. His rebuke by the prophet, Nathan, was just as open as his sin, and his punishment was also seen by all. As was his repentance. But Jesus with the paralytic? He simply forgave the man's sins on the spot, without listing them for the crowd gathered around...because his sins weren't anybody else's business, and Jesus didn't make the poor man trot them out for public exposure as a condition of pardon. Your A should have been confessed to your husband, and forgiveness sought of him. You should have also asked forgivenness of the man with whom you had the affair, since you wronged him as well by joining him in sin. Who else was harmed by this? These people need to hear that you're sorry...but nobody else has to know a single thing, in order for you to be forgiven.

I'm not arguing with you if you feel you should, because I can't know for sure how God is directing you. But if you feel you must, then it raises some red flags with me, because it would seem to me that God is contradicting Himself, which He says He will never do.

God bless you as you make a decision such as this, which can have some very far-reaching effects.

t&l

Agree with T&L.
I was going to quote the quotes, but I don't have time, and she said it so well anyway.

Faithful,
I enjoy reading what you write. You seem to be so thoughtful, and you want to do the right thing. It goes so well with your name.

God be with you.

SS