TY,ladies, H's thinls he might know his bio moms name.
what would I surch under? adoption forums?

Lynn doesn't strike me as bitter either. Just a well informed veteran who doesn't take sh*t lying down. I respect her for that.

You could search under many things as long as you include "adoption" in it. I would recommend something like "adoption laws in 'your state name'" or "adoptee rights". You could possibly get some info from other's who've been in your H's shoes on the forums and he could be pointed in the right direction from there as well.

Good luck

Ty, for the suggestion's Tigger, i'm writting them down.

First, let me say that I have responded 3 times and have hit the wrong button three time!!

I am what you see. I am a veteran of this situation and when I see a BW getting run over by a train, I will try to push her off the tracks. When I see a wife on here, trying to get a grip on the situation she is in, pouring out her soul and then sold she is somehow wrong or not adult sice she isn't putting the oc first, I do jump.

I have said, over and over again, that everyone gets a piece of the hurt pie, oc included. It is a natural by product of two people. The mm and the ow. It is not the wife's duty to protect the oc interests. She has her own feelings needs and wants and she has to be honest with herself. This is her life and she can choose whatever makes it best for her and her family. If that choice is no contact, she doesn't have to repremanded by an ow or ow supporter for not "being adult" about it. That is a ow passive aggressive meaning "if you don't put oc first you are wrong".

I have never hammered a wife who is choosing contact. I have always pointed out that this has to be totally honest. That if she feels pressured to have contact, she will get angry later and visa versa, she can't force her husband into no contact, or he can become bitter. I have always stated that now is the time for complete and brutal honesty. Or what is the point of being married.

My view as far as what is best for the child, means the children of the marriage. Chosing no contact to keep your own childrens lives peacefull and secure is not wrong. It is a choice. Just as keeiping an oc is the choice of the ow. When they say "best for the child" they are not referring to the children of the marriage. Once again, what is best for the oc may not be what is best for the marrriage and the children in it.

As for ow and their constant "well, your husband did this, or your husband did that" and the well worn "bw do not blame the husband, only the ow" that is a load of garbage. Every wife on here is well aware of what happend and certainly do not exonerate their husbands. If they did, then why are they even struggling with it? They do blame their husbands, they are just not going to by the innocent ow garbage. The ow is responsible for participating in the affair that has hurt so many other people, her oc too. To try and blame the wife for not being accomodating to the ow/oc is short sighted and selfish. The oc is just one of many victims in this, and no more important then the wife or her children.

As for the whole "tell the ow about medical history" that ws bizzare to say the least. We were discussing the legalaties of protecing assets, and securing the future fodr the FAMILY and the MARRIAGE. Then up pops you saying "tell the ow......." WHAT ON EARTH DID THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE MARRIAGE? It had nothing to do with the marriage. It came out of left field and was not helping this particular wife with her current needs. So I did jump on that. It had nothing to do with the marriage at all and it certainly is not a legal issue. It is just another issue of the whole oc dilema. And like most of the issues, there are going to be different views on .t. But NOBODY said not to disclose pertinent information if necessary. Either way, it was not an issue that was brought up here as a problem, it was not part of the original discussion. It was a left field statement made from the oc point of view. Once again, a good topic for an oc message board for sure.

So, if you want to see me as a bitter person, oh well. It makes little difference to me. I would rather make sure that I can shake some hurting, confused woman from sitting at her couch crying into her kleenex, into a proactive woman who stands tall and fights for herself, her marriage, her children and the future of that family. If she sits back and lets the tail wag the dog, she may get sucker punched again. Be firm, learn your rights and handle everything in a responsible, legal manner as to what is best for YOU, THE MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY and the rest will fall into place.

Angel is only two years into recovery and OC is barely over a year old. Lynn has had EIGHTEEN YEARS + of recovery.

I think that statement speaks for itself. It is great that angels cares for OC and wants contact, but she is barely into this ride.

I have read too many times on here though that the continued contact allowed the affair to continue or re-ignite. It's a slippery slope that like Lynn said requires honesty and established boundaries that are adhered to by all involved.

If you are able to get thru all the hurt feelings and have contact, awesome, more power to ya!

Let's Please stay with the topic at hand:Medical History or refrain from posting, Please

Tigger, WOW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />,do we have our work cut out , we've been surfing as suggested. It's going to be a lot of work for us, but I feel it will be worth it in the long run for our children/oc,H and his sibling's we know .<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pepper, you mentioned you have adopted, do you know of or could reccomend some sites/forums to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Other's who have adopted or been adopted, same ? as Pepper.

This is really going to be time consuming too, I think, wish us luck,We will find it,we are determind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry that one of my previous posts was not on topic. However, since you had brought up the fact that Lynn might be bitter and filled with hate, I thought you wanted the topic to go in that direction. My apologies.

I actually apolgised to Everyone last night myself.

No I cannot help, because I have no experience. I have not needed other sites regarding adoption searches.

My kids were both a product of the same drug addicted woman, with different bio dads. My kids are not interested in their bio parents at all. They were at one time very interested in their bio siblings who went to other families. They can go through the county services to seek out siblings when they want to ... after age 18. My kids are 16 and 19. They are so self-absorbed in their own lives (like any kid that age) they are really only interested in themselves and their friends at this time.

As far as medical history goes, we know they are both at risk for addictive behaviors. Beyond this, I really don't think it matters as much as their own chosen life-styles.

Good luck for your search. If this is your husband's personal issue, why are you doing the leg work? I'd see how much effort he puts into it himself before you knock yourself out. Let him own it ... it is his.

It's an issue we are working on together,we are working on it together, we both surf,search,we both want the medical history.
I just type alot faster,lol,he looks and picks when he types,kwim.

shortcake,

You're doing just fine with your posts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Threads on MB pretty much take on a life of their own and go in the direction the members choose to take it.

Keep on posting and don't hesitate to voice your opinions and suggestions. Your input is important too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Nerlycrzy. Not meaning to threadjack again, but I don't post a lot (hardly at all would be more appropriate).

BTW, angels, do you know which agency or whatever the adoption went through? Perhaps they can give you the info you need, but you might have to go through court to get it.

Ty for the idea, shortcake.

Angels,

Are you saying you have the mothers name, and nothing else?

I would check out adoption sites and see what they say.
They would probably would have tons of information and contact stuff.

Ty Lynn.
We have her last know legal name at the time H and his siblings were adopted.
H was 9 when adopted ,he and his half sister where adopted by the same family, we have know one of his younger half brother's and know of the other's(1) half brother's name.
(They all from what H told me have different father's) Though we haven't found him, so we are working on that too.
H's bio mom didn't want them, she abandoned them, then gave them up. I'm sure it would be understood why only want medical history not contact. We don't want her in our kids lives for that reason and wouldn't put them threw getting to know her and then abandon them too.
We know his bio dad first name and we are hoping last was/is the same as h's before the adoption. That we do know.
H has never know bio dad, and H's wonder's if his bio dad knew about him.
I just wish someone knew the name of a really good site,kwim.
Boy this is going to be hard, but like I said before we are determined.

Angels I think adoptions.com is a very popular site. There is a lot of information on that site as well. Again like Tigger said, they have forums and alot are seperated by state and most of the people on there have done a lot of reserach and can answer a lot of questions. So start there. See what you can come up with. I might even have some adoption sites on your state stuck away in my fav places for someone else I was helping and if I do, I'll email you the links. I think I saved the laws and few other things like that on adoption.

I's the best site We've found so far, hope there's more like it somewhere out there.

Angels, actualy you are lucky in the information that you DO KNOW. Most adoptee's don't even have a mother's name or father's last name. Could be very possible that he does have his father's last name.

By what your saying about his bm, it may seem that the mental disorder may come from her.:-(

Tigger had a great idea about the searches. Like I said, I've saved a few sites for another friend of mine and I just have to find them and I will email them to you.

Angels - one of my best friends is adopted; she finally found her birth mother, but birth mom will not, to her dying day identify the birth father.

My friend has had to live with the uncertainty of medical history - but truly, it has become insignificant.


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