jean

can you plan A for a while before you plan B? at least until it gets too nasty can you show him kindness?

of course what do i know anyway?!

eav- I am sorry you are so doen today, I just skimmed your thread (((eav)))

That is my question, can I plan A to him and be fighting a legal war?? Like I said, he doesn't have anything "on" me. Right now, I am the picture perfect little haus frau. From what I understand, the adultery I commited is no longer relevant once we reconciled and lived as man and wife again. But that is his plan, charge me with A and mental cruelty and blah blah blah.

We had a very long conversation tonight-the exit interview, and he is just pretty numb. He is past angry and guilty and waywardish. He was calm and just listened alot and told me the whole year was a lie. But yesterday, he was telling my sister and BIL his plan for the D.

So I don't know if he is foggy and lost, or just a manipulating a$$ who is saying one thing to me while plotting a bunch of nonsense behind my back. He still wants us to be on good terms for the kids.

what are the divorce laws where you live? without real grounds how long would it take for him to be able to get a divorce?

if you have time...plan A for as long as you can!

Without grounds, it takes 90 days since we have kids. My lawyer said that if he tells the judge he will not give up his mistress, the judge can get it through in 30 days.

But WH says he can't do that because his mistress won't speak to him because of his scary little wifey poo.

90 days!!! that's insane!!

in my state you have to be seperated for 2 years if you don't have grounds unless you agree to divorce then you still have to live apart for one year first!

I am in TN, and I think it is 90 days with kids and 60 days without. I had no idea that TN is such a prodivorce state. Hearing the law where you are, it does seem outrageous that a family can be dissolved in that short of a time.

I don't think I can plan A when he is trying to "stick it to me in court". But, I will have much more to go on when he talks to a lawyer. Right now, he has no idea about divorce law and he is just blowing smoke. Hopefully, the lawyer will give him a reality check.

The first question the lawyer asked me was "What is it going to take to save this marriage?" I told her I just needed my H to come home. Hopefully, his lawyer will give him some food for thought. Maybe a guy in a suit can help clear the fog.

IN Okla. you can have a uncontested divorce in 30 days.... but its a six month waiting period before you can remarry...
I was shocked at the short time span here...

KInda sucks how divorce is made so easy, in so many states....

I guess my plan A/plan B was a silly question. I have to stay in plan A for the time being. If I wrote him a plan B letter, he would jump for joy-which is not the purpose.

But plan Aing with attorneys at work will be hard. I guess I will perfect my poker face. Plan A my H, protect myself against the WH.

I don't feel compelled to give him "stuff" from the house. I have not flat out refused, but I have let him know that we agreed that "he who walks out, walks out with nothing". When I left, I took my books and my clothes, really, that is all. I lived in a travel trailer, bought kitchen stuff at the Goodwill, I made my bed and I laid in it. WH is upset that I won't let him have his TV and video game stuff.

I know that legally, he will end up with half the crap in the house. But I did want him to experience life in a bare hotel room, that is the choice he made. If he wants to sit in his recliner and play Xbox, then he needs to return to his life. And we have always had that verbal agreement that I did live up to when I left.

He also seemed miffed that I am talking about selling the house. He is having trouble understanding that D means he is not the boss of me anymore.

But, I don't have to sit here and worry about where I screwed up in the post D-day situation. Since he has decided the whole year was a lie, I didn't do anyhing wrong, but believe him when he said he wanted me back. I just wonder, when he tells his friends that he has not been happy in a year-do they believe him? Even though many of them told me how happy he was pre A? Does the social support believe the WS rewritten history?

Have you considered e-mail cards? a way to plan A even when he's not home and you can let him know you are thinking of him. If he's always wanted you to be more fun....or more loving...there's a card for everything.

just an idea!

Jean-
I think your right on track with the "he who walks out" rule. Just like everyone says, WS will try to deal like they are holding the cards. Standing your ground while in Plan A is some what a slipperly slope. I have had to work hard on drawing limits with out phrasing them like demands and or being angery during my delivery.
My WW wanted furniture a bed, tv, etc. That talk ended when i asked her if the OM's stuff was not as good as ours.
I feel your plan A doubt. Same for me. I'm now in the process of turning my legal team loose while trying my best to play nice. Which is damn hard by the way.
Everyone on here suggested I go into plan B until i reminded everyone that plan A was only a few weeks old.
Good luck and god bless you.
Dazed

I appreciate the idea eav, but he does not have internet, just a lonely motel room. He did tell our D's that he gets lonely at the hotel and they feel bad for him. But they also know that it was completely his choice to leave.

I also found out that he called his best friend Saturday, actually crying because he has lost everything (emphasis on losing OW). Maybe that is what prompted his apology to me about reaming me re: scaring OW off. But that only lasted until he thought I was telling someone else what a big bad adultering dog is his (which I wasn't)

Oddly enough, he is having to deal with rumors around work about him and an exGF (during our previous separation). He is blaming that on me too. I did tell him I have no knowledge of anything that transpired between him and that woman, and an exGF is the least of my concerns right now.

I will take full responsibility for what I have done to scare off OW, but I won't take responsibility for just starting slanderous rumors (that is not my style) the truth is sordid enough for me. I don't need to make stuff up.

I have had a good day with the kids. OD and I had a great talk. She is very afraid and I was unable to comfort her enough last week. I was very wrapped up in my own pain, and she did not feel safe. I have always been able to make her feel safe and I have been too distraught to do that. But I am not scared anymore and I will be able to show my daughters the lighthouse, even if their dad won't see the light.

How about sending a fruit basket to that lonely motel room with a note saying something nice?

I am sure there are things that I could do, text message, give him his Xbox, etc. But today, he is so done, he is frustrated by my denial that the marriage is over. I'll keep your ideas in mind if I see a door. Right now, I would appear needy and clingy, I think.

I don't want to look like a lighthouse that is on a jet ski following is wayward butt around in his hurricane.

Nothing new to report. I am in plan A, but he is no where to be found. Last contact was Sunday, he was on his way to the lawyers, I have not heard from him since. So, I will plan A him, he knows that I want the M. I am trying to convey to him that recovery is possible as soon as the destruction stops. But, he has convinced himself, or is trying to convince me, that the only reason we ever reconciled was because he was scared to be alone. OW showed him that he didn't have to fear a life alone.

I have reread my stuff on divorcing a narcissist, good reminders of what I am dealing with. I know that he feels he HAS to divorce me since we don't agree on the D. I am proving to him (in his mind) that I don't care at all about his happiness because I am standing in the way of his happiness.

In the meantime, him not calling the kids and not coughing up any cash for groceries will go a long way in making him look like father of the year. I am in a holding pattern on pursuing legal action. The lawyer that I initially spoke to is out of the country for the week. I am sorta waiting to see what he is going to do. If the rumors I hear are correct, I will need a more pit bullish lawyer.

I think I am trying to figure out where the line is. At first, the A was something he had done, I think now, it is more who he has become. My family is quickly losing patience with me for not being more aggressive in the D.

So I will plan A him as soon as he shows up and wait and see what kind of lawyer he gets. Milkshakes situation worries me, but I do need to see whether my DH is gone forever. If he can sit at tell an attorney to spin this to make me the bad guy, I will be able to get the pitbull lawyer and wage war with WH.

I miss him so much less now. The kids are still pretty torn up, they just don't understand why he refuses to come home. And now that he has stopped calling them, I am afraid he is doing alot of damage to his parenting relationship.

Sheesh, he just called about the kid scheduling thing and it just leaves me wanting to puke, I get this sick pit in my stomach.

He wanted the kids all weekend, he is supposed to watch them Sunday for my one day of out of the home work. Now, he says he can't because he has a job to do. He wanted them all weekend but now he can only watch them Friday night.

He has not seen a lawyer yet, but has called the guy twice. I said I appreciated being kept up to date as I have been sitting here waiting to be served with D papers. I explained that I was pretty anxious as to what kind of lawyer he would find. The last I heard was that he intended to kick me out of the house, take the kids, blah blah blah.

I spoke kindly and repectfully, trying to accomodate his schedule with the kids. I did ask if his employer realized that the D will require that WH maintains a schedule coducive to coparenting. Employer is one of the people who helped cover up the A.

I mentioned, kindly and respectfully, the strain that the lack of cash flow has caused in the house. Grocery money is tight, I am trying to be patient as I know he is trying to get an apartment, but that I would have to start selling personal property pretty soon. All done very kindly. He sounds like crap, absolutely beat to a pulp.

I just want to scream " Look you f'in [censored]. Get your butt home or I will nail you a$$ on the taxes, have your GF deported, take 1/3 of your earnings for years and I will give your big screen TV to charity!!"

But I guess that would be LBing or something - right?

Bwahahahaha!!!
Would love to be the fly on the wall when that happened.
It might be just a small LB, but boy wouldn't that feel great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
Did you ever see the movie Waiting to Exhale when the b/s had a huge yard sale and sold his expensive toys for $1 and then turned around took all his expensive suits, put them in his expensive car and torched it, like a huge bonfire.
Great Times, I'm telling you, Great Times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I would love to have a yard sale and sell all his "toys" for peanuts. But I may need to hold onto that stuff, it may be what I have to use to feed the kids pretty soon.

It is so frustrating. When I left, neither of us lifted a finger to save the M. Now that he is gone, I keep thinking, I can do the work for both of us (at least to get started on). It is truly a blessing to read that there are some couples that are willing at the same time. Just a little open mindedness seems to be all it takes to keep the door open at least. That is what hurts, that he has so little faith in me that he will not keep the door ajar a tad.

Well I guess it aint over til the fat lady sings. Keep hoping that he will have a light bulb moment and come to his senses and come home.

Keep your chin up, Jean

Just a mental check up:

WH is not at all interested in the M, I get that and I am sure that he thinks there is no hope for the M because I will need to talk about the A. I have said repeatedly, I will get over the A as soon as it is over.

I know that it is not the A that we need to recover from, but his inability to trust me with his needs. And now, he needs a D. My problem is, if he wants to ever talk about the M (hasn't happened in a while but) then let's talk about the M. But for divorce talks, the A is very pertinent from a legal standpoint IMO. It's like the A is not THE issue in the M, but it is THE issue in the D. I will have a very hard time Ding on grounds of "irreconcilable differences". The only irr. diff. we have is he wants his mistress around and I don't.

It is so hard to try to plan A the H and wage war with the WH. Since all he wants to discuss is D, there is not alot of chance for love bank deposits. The only thing I am able to convey to him is how uncomfortable the D will make the situation (finances, how the kids are doing, house selling) I am not being disrespectful or angry, just pretty matter of fact.

And I just over analyze everything that has been said. On d-day, he said he never intended to leave his family for OW. After he left the house, he said that the whole year has been a lie and that OW made him realize that he wouldn't have the be alone if he chose to leave me.

I am also curious about a custody issue. I have read that I can ask that the kids not be around OW until after our D is final. I wonder if I can ask that the kids not be around OW until her D is final. I don't think the kids should be have to deal with daddy's GF who has a husband, that would be very damaging IMO.

Just ramblings.

Gee, I don't have any suggestions, other than to ask if there is someone that has influence over w/h to expose to? Do you talk to owh?