I guess I am going to be here awhile, so I figured I would start a thread to help me follow the steps and progression.

As of today, WH is still living in a hotel, he is saving for an apartment and taxes and divorce lawyer. I assume he is still with OW, but our last talk of OW was him asking me to reassure her that I will not cause her any more trouble with my exposure tactics (I guess he wanted me to give the A my blessing) I do believe that his social support circle is dwindling fast, he keeps saying that I am turning everyone against him. All he has right now is a work buddy who at last check thought WH was crazy for the A, and his boss that knows that I will do anything to save my M.

Of course, there is also OW, who is married, young and probably way in over her head.

So I am in plan A, but everything I do makes him angry. If I expose more, he gets mad, if I refuse to discuss D, he gets mad. The only avenue I have to look appealing to him is via the kids, being a good mom. But even that is hard as I feel like making visitation easy on him and trying hard to coparent with him, I believe that does send the message that I am condoning the A and willing to work around it.

At this point, from what he is saying, he just wants the D (after he gets situated enough to not look like an aduletrating dog that abandoned his family to sniff after a MOW), and to coparent nice and cozily with me. And to know that OW will be welcomed into the family fold without me giving her the evil eye.

This is complicated by this fact: I also had an EA that I ended up leaving my M for. And my H did all the things that he is asking me for now. He completely let me be a big cake eater and was very helpful in normalizing my A. So he is very angry that I won't help him normalize it now.

So that is where we are, minimal contact. I am the only one interested in saving M, support from family is dwindling fast, they just want me to wake up and smell the coffee.

You guys are pretty much all I have left.

Expose the affair, Jean, it is the best hope for your marriage. Go see the OWH. I bet the affair crumbles quickly when you expose to her H and the owner.

You have her on the ropes, don't give her a chance to get up and gather strength.

Melody,
I am having to do some quick research on the Korean culture. It has been brought to my attention by people completely unrelated to this mess, how my actions are being perceived by the drycleaning Korean "mafia" in my area.

The only two Americans in the business know about the A. I need to get a few more ducks in a row to be able to do a very efficient exposure to OWH. I think someone here had a idea of finding a Korean speaking male to go with me. Or perhaps I letter translated that I can send certified to bypass OW.

I am not scared of exposing, I just can't keep making the hour drive if I can't get to the OWH.

Jean, I am not following you. When did you make a one hour drive? Why can't your mother go by and talk to him then? We are in America now, so I wouldnt' worry too much about a "Korean mafia." The H needs to be told, Jean, and told now.

I have driven out there several times, finding OW's address, finding H motel, confirming that I have the correct business. Yes, mom can go by there again, but you thought that idea was pretty spineless of me last time. But, it did do some workplace exposure, then I had two follow up phone calls to the business.

I know very little about the Korean culture, but there are a few things I have learned first hand in my WH's line of work. What I have experienced is that the grasp of the english language is directly proportional to how much they want to hear what is being said. Meaning, when I have called to collect on a past due account, they don't understand me. When the machine is broken, they are able to communicate much more clearer when they need my WH to fix it.

I am not trying to sound like I am stereotyping, if there is anyone on the board that can give me insight on the culture, I would appreciate it greatly. But, based on my personal experience, I need to make sure that I can get my message communicated clearly. And in this situation, everyone is slightly interrelated and there are dozens of people that wish I would just go away quietly.

I know I sound extreme, but I have been dealing with this from a business end for 6 years or so. I am still unsure how they have embraced my WH even after he has "defiled" one of their married women, but that is the kind of cultural info I am seeking.

I can ask mom to go by there again, she does still have business there as they messed up her last order. The OW home, my WH hotel, and the business are all an hour away from me. But, my mom does live out in that area.

Jean, having your mother go there is preferable to doing nothing! You don't have to know anything about the Korean culture to expose to her H, just do it!

Post on MB and ask for 'culture' help. There maybe some with Korean background. Don't downplay the mafia or stick together concept. It is alive and runs strong in the hearts of many of the Asian culture. Not to scare you but so does family values and bringing shame on the family name in the community. That is where I think you will find your ally (sp???).

L.

Does this forum (GQII) get the most traffic? Or is there another forum I should post in?

GQII gets the most traiffic. U can post on more than one if you want. Also if you find it hard to ask for this kind of help, let us know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

WH called me up again this AM, demanding to know what I said to OW. She won't have anything to do with him because she is scared of what his psycho wife will do next. I asked him if he was really angry because his wife scared off his mistress-doesn't that sound odd even to him?

So he said he will refuse the divorce, refuse to come home, he will tell the judge he is scared for his life around me blah blah blah.

Then, then PM, he apologized for the way he spoke to me this AM. He said he is just feeling a little stir crazy and he was sorry. But then he saw me speaking to a mutual friend of ours (more his buddy than mine). Buddy asked me how I was doing, I told him, now WH is pissed again. He didn't realize that buddy already knew about the A from other sources. But WH is angry that I keep talking to HIS friends.

But, I am still feeling OK, still pretty detached. I did apologize if me talking to that guy made him mad, but assured him that guy already knew about the A. I am a little bummed making him mad again after he had apologized, but his apology was probably based on someone telling him out screwed up it was to be mad at your wife for scaring your mistress.

I need to get back in my "not working from a place of fear" mood. It was a pretty good day as long as I kept telling myself that.

Wild ride, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So the next time he tries to talk to you, what are you going to say before the convo even starts?

L.

I realized that if I am not allowed to have a say so in who he is sleeping with (which he still denies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) then surely he does not expect to have a say so in whom I speak to-correct?

That is what he wants, for me to butt out, so he doesn't get to be the boss of me anymore either <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

The crappy part was after talking to this buddy, I realized that I still love my H more than I had let on. I thought I was doing OK shelving that for awhile.

But, I have not LBed, I am being gracious around the children, I have been very polite and respectful to him.

Love your H but hate the WS. Can u do that?

L.

Yeah, I can do that. I do love my H very, very much. That is the hard thing, how do you know when they are gone forever?

I talked to my sister alot tonight about my children. She is very concerned about them. I need to spend less time obsessing about I situation I cannot change (WH thought processes) and more time helping my children deal with the changes in their life. My 8yo is not handling things very well at all, she is very emotional about everything. My 6yo is doing the typical mascot child routine and I need to make sure that I am helping her even though she is not being the "squeeky wheel" right now.

Hi Jean36,

Try to stop worrying about saving your WH and OW's relationship! Do you honestly care if OW is not talking to him anymore? Let her be afraid of you. She is the third person in your marriage, not you.

Have you tried any of the online translator sites to perhaps write what you want to say to OWH? Alta Vista has a good site here that offers an English to Korean translation. I don't know how good it is, but I'm sure it'll be enough to get your point across. Here is another one.

Don't give up on exposure! Good luck.

Thanks for the links, I couldn't get either of them to work though. I did find a forum that does translations though, I am waiting for my registration confirmation. Maybe I can get a note translated there.

hmm...here is the url:
http://world.altavista.com/
and the other one:
http://www.worldlingo.com/en/products_services/worldlingo_translator.html

It gets easier to tell between the WS and H sightings. I even resorted to asking which personality was either on the phone or at my doorstep when we had to interact. The 1st time I did it was at my home. WS came to pick up the mail. He ate dinner (relunctantly - felt very guilty about eating my food - LOL!! but he was also very hungry). On his way out, I asked him to send a message to my H. I told him if there was another person I could ask to go find my H, I would but right now he was the only one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Then I gave him the message: 'H, I love you and want you home....not sure what spiteful creature has taken over your body but I don't like him, he scares me..... I miss you H, your family misses you..... please let us know you are safe and if you can come back 1 more time so we (son & I) can give you a kiss goodbye.'

That little speech set both of us to tears. Yet the cold heart of the WS still came back later. However, that speech got the WS to admit he missed his H self also. He commited to finding him and sending him home for this 1 last task.

That commitment had the WS by the balls. I could now ask if he was the H or WS and not speak to the WS character for important things. The H sightings became more frequent as a result and in time (a looong time), H came home and the WS died. Yea, the WS died. Gone..... It was a slow and painful death but now the WS is gone. The mothership isn't hovering over my home anymore. That nutcase OW is also out of my life.

Hope this experience helps.

take care,
L.

Is it time for plan B? I wanted to get some good Aing in before I Bed, but he is preparing to file. I have let him know that I want the M.

From what I hear, he is going to play very dirty. He doesn't have anything to play with, but he is going to try. I am not operating from fear, but I think it is time to stop trying to reach my H and deal with the WH that is before me.

So do I plan B as I am filing also? I don't see how to plan A in the middle of a nasty divorce. If OWH doesn't know now (which he probably doesn't due to my own inactivity) he will know when OW is named in my D. Too little, too late I am sure. But I do think now is the time to cover my a$$.

I know this is not MB, I think I have to concentrate on protecting my kids and their future right now and not worry about saving a M that doesn't exist. I did ask in my "exit interview" at what point in this did he realize we had passed the point of irreversible damage-he said he has realized the whole past year as been a lie. He should have never reconciled with me a year ago.

maybe I can't plan B since I didn't implement a good plan A, but by the time I found this site, he had one foot out the door already. He lasted 9 nine past D-day emotionally. Well, unless he is telling me the truth and that the year that we had was a figment of my imagination.

Anyway, can I still get advice or am I a MB flunkie??