I just got off the phone with him again. He can't pick up the children as early as he had originally planned. Again, I gently reminded him that he was going to have to get on a set work schedule to make this situation workable.

I keep telling myself when I see his name on the caller ID "Don't talk so much, just listen, that is what he wants". But he only wants to talk about the D. I have calmly explained and apologized for being in denial, but I am not ready to discuss the D with him.

The thing that confuses me, or gives me confusing hope is, that he just will listen to me for a long time. I stop talking and he doesn't hang up, so I start talking again. I explained my fears about bringing legal counsel in, that they have a tendency to be sharkish. I phrased it so it was not a judgment against WH but a judgement against D lawyers.

I talked a little about how our OD is having quite a bit of emotional trouble and how I had realized that my pain was affecting my ability to comfort her-that I recognized that and have done much better this past week and she was getting better.

I asked if he would sign the title over on a collectable car we own so I can sell it to generate some cash as he can not afford to give me any grocery money at this time-he said he would.

He has to hang up thinking I am being very reasonable, calm and lighthousy. I have explained my dissapointment that we are not working on the M, but do not get into "see how I have changed" talks.

I do not think he is with OW right now. If he is, he sure isn't acting like he is happy with his situation. He his just digging himself a hole that he cannot get out of. I should be able to find out this weekend what the status is with WH and OW. But right now, I am going to assume he is in withdrawel and try to lighthouse him back to his family.

Isn't it a good sign that he does stay on the phone for extended periods listening to me? I know I sound like I am taking crumbs right now, and I am. And I am fine with that. The objective is to get him a little willing to see that I am not the cause of his pain.

I may even let him take one of his Xboxes today, a good will gesture. He doesn't need to spend cash on crap like replacing an Xbox when there are bills to pay at the house. I feel like I am trying to manipulate a 10yo boy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Wh and the girls just left. I did let him take and Xbox and games/movies for the girls. I asked him to sign over the title for the car so I can sell it. I asked if he had an opinion on how much I should ask for it as I am just selling it for grocery money-he had no advice.

I looked good, the house looked good, the kids were bubbly with news of their week with girl scouts, A+'s and losing teeth. I think it was a good carrot and stick day. Your A has caused us to lose a car that we both loved and wanted to restore and you are missing out on your daughters lives and your wife is still here taking care of business while you whirl out of control.

I bit my tongue and did not ask about lawyers or mistresses or apartments.

I am pretty sure he is going to walk out of this M knowing that he is screwing up, but I can't stop him on his path to destruction. I'm kind of glad I have as much experience dealing with drunks (being a former one myself) it makes the detaching with love easier.

If I can get this car sold, I may put back some $$ for a phone consult to the Harley's.

I am hoping that the proceeds of the car will not be an issue as no paperwork has been filed yet. But at this point, I have plenty of bargaining leverage, I am not really scared of divorce. If this is who he has decided to be, then it is easier to let him go.

So anyone want to buy a 1973 Opel GT??

Dear Jean, I know all about grasping onto the crumbs w/h drops.
I can't critisize you for that, I am guilty too.
But if I could offer you one piece of advice that seems to be working for me, is to now focus on yourself, and make changes in yourself that please you. Myself, I have worked hard at changing myself, so that when I look in the mirror, I like who I see.
I am comfortable with the idea that my marriage might or might not work out, and although I can honestly say I would be crushed if it failed, I now know, I will be eventually happy, with or without husband. That for me, is such a monumental step. I know I will be alright without my husband. Its a wonderful feeling. I am no longer parilyzed with fear, and am comfortable with the thought of starting over by myself. I know this is definately helping my relationship with w/h because he can feel I am no longer acting desperate.
And I have discovered one more thing about my boundries. I now will leave the marriage, when the pain is deeper than my love for my husband. Only I will know when that moment is.
My marriage is in god's hands now, I am doing my part, and now god will take care of the rest.
Have you made your husband aware of your boundries?

I appreciate your input KD. I think I really am OK with whether or not the M works out. Right now, he is moving quickly towards D and I know my H well enough to know that recovery would be very difficult for him. For me, it would be easier, he has not done irreversible damage (although I didn't like being called stupid-psycho I can deal with BUT I am not stupid)

I did realize honestly today, that I am pouring an awful lot of energy into thinking about this situation, and not doing much of anything. I deal with him differently, but I am not dealing with myself differently yet. But I am getting there. It is hard being on the verge of a depressive episode, I really need a swift kick in the butt to stay motivated.

As far as my boundaries go, no, I haven't really given it any thought. He couldn't care less right now. I guess the boundaries are only in regards to the kids and the legal issues. I know I have the right to not be yelled at anymore, but I rather enjoy hearing him yelling at me-it makes this easier. But he hasn't had any issue with me since the last bit of exposure. He even said today, it doesn't matter what we said yesterday-only if we can talk to each other today.

The legal stuff is going to create some interesting boundary issues. The kids schedule is another boundary that he is having trouble with-he needs to be respectful of my schedule and not look at me as the nanny that is at his beck and call anymore. I guess I need to work on that some more as he bailed on the Sunday thing-he knows I work on Sunday and that his bailing out causes me hardship. But for now, I just document when he screws up-let him explain it to the judge.

I am pretty peaceful, I am dissapointed though. I was at Cracker Barrel eating with friends tonight. All the little old couples that have been married forever eating out on the Friday night date. It is sad that we won't have that together-but it is what it is.

Thanks for your support.

I know what you mean about seeing cute old married couples together. For me, it is a reminder of how I always wanted to grow old with my husband and take care of each other when one of us gets sick.

Hopefully, one day that will be possible Jean, for both of us.

Today has been fun (not). He did sign the title for that old car and today, I called him to see if he knew where the keys were. He didn't and I, being an idiot, asked for clarification one more time. I asked "Is this really were we are, me selling our personal property to keep the kids fed", he said yes.

So i asked to speak to DD's. My 6yo chatted for a minute, then she asked me "Why won't you let us meet Daddy's new friend?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> WH got the phone from here and explained that OW had called while he was with the kids. They asked who it was, daddy's new friend, mommy doesn't like her...

So I get my head straight, finally compose a note in Korean for OWH, get some Korean input on how to handle the situation, and go down to expose to OWH. Now, they may have already told him, maybe not, but I am guessing that he doesn't know that I am ready to call immigrations if he can't keep his wh0re wife away from my H.

Do I think it will save my M? No, not all all. I may be just retailiating because they are screwing with my kids' heads now. Do I really care today?- no, I am pretty sick of this crap.

Yesterday, I was ready to give him his nicey nice little divorce. I had given up, well nice divorce is off the table for today.

Reading HurtinginOK thread has me worried, I am sure that WH will stop paying the house note and such. But today, I just don't give a ratts butt about moving or anything. I can get this house and its contents auctioned off and if we take a loss-let WH pay it off. My credit is pretty shot anyway. If he completely abandons us financially, I will expose about that too.

I would be happy to go get food stamps, let them call WH employer to get his check garnished. His employer enabled the A, guess he didn't think it would all lead to this.

I have lost hope for the M, am quickly loosing hope for coparenting and have less hope for an amicable divorce. Maybe I am just being the scorned woman, but, screw it.

BTW, I didn't get to OWH today, but I will try later. I wish I could get a phone #, but all I have is an address from June, hopefully he is still there.

If she is there, I don't know whether to say anything to her or not.

I asked WH again for her legal name (I already have it, I guess I just throw that out to let him skirm) He said "You're the super sleuth, find it out yourself"

And he also said he really doesn't need me calling him making him feel guilty about the hungry kid thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jean -

Sorry your day is not going well. I agree about the concern with us BS's in reading Hurting's thread. That concern is in the back of my mind too.

I hope you get to OWH very soon. I know it is tricky.



How does he expect the kids to eat??

You sound like you are thinking ahead. That is good.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Jean and Kim,

I have to tell you I never thought I would be in this situation with my WH. When he first moved out up until a the end of last month everything was fine. He had no problem giving me money. Yes it was not enough but I also knew what his paycheckes were and he gave me most of it.

It was after I really started doing planb seriously that he has gotten like this. And of course once i have this pitifull job that pays nothing he decided to cut back on money.... Now he knows I don't make much and he also know I have not even recieved a paycheck yet. But every since I turned down his last SF advances and really went N/C with him he has turned mean and nasty.. Now maybe he is trying to get back at me I don't know or maybe he is trying to make me break. So whatever you do please make sure you can get some help legally so you won't be in my shoes...

I will make it I have no doubt and its going to be rough.. I sure don't want to see any of you going through this ....

And ty you for your support.... It means a lot to me ...

the darndest thing just happened. I anywho'd OWH again just now, and I got a number!! Now I know I have searched and searched, every combo of every name I have and never got anything. Now, I have a phone # and the address is the same one I have been going to.

It doesn't help today, because I have been told by neutral parties that the man doesn't understand much english. I need to give him my note and that may have to wait until Monday. But, I thought that was really odd that I got a hit today. I have a whole folder full of names, numbers and addresses that I have peiced together and this # never came up.

Dealing with the American name vs the Korean name has been tricky. Everyone knows them by their Americanized name, but all their legal stuff goes by their Korean name.

I am smarter than they are!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

WH was shocked that I found out who she was, and I was happy to tell him I got the info by requesting the data base from the Envioronmental Protection Agency that regulates the chemicals they use in dry cleaners. Once I had the database, I narrowed it down to a few potential matches and whaa laa.

I thought I was pretty smart and he was very PO'd. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Looking for a Korean at a dry cleaner has been a little like a needle in a haystack-and I really don't mean any disrespect to any Koreans. The lady that I spoke to today acted like she just wanted to wring OW neck for acting so wh0rish, she has a DD the same age and she was appalled. I gave her OW name and # in case she wanted to give her a stern talking to. (She asked for it, I didn't offer)

The $$ stuff is scary, but I really don't like this house anyway. It wouldn't bother me a bit to sell it or burn it. The kids will be bummed, but this pretty much sucks for them regardless.

Jean

Way to go!!!!! I had a hard time in my situation finding good driving directions to drop off a note to my OWH. But I kept at it & was able to find it. For some reason the driving directions kept giving me a street that was nonexistant.

Anyway, good dectective work. I would suggest not telling WH any of this though. Keep it your secret until you get the exposure done.

Way to be persistent!!!!!!!!!!

Kim

Why r u spilling your beans to the WS? Will the other contact actually consider speaking to OW's H in your behalf?

FYI, that business sector her H is in is populated by that culture. Just like donut shops in the CA have a lot of Cambodian owners or managers. Their customer base though runs through many communities so how they are viewed (their trust factor) is critical to them. Bringing shame on the family name and ruining their name in the local community s/b high priority. That would include those inside and outside of their culture.

In CA this is popular. I used to take my dry cleaning to 2 such shops when in CA. If I was there, it wouldn't take much to raise questions at the shop. My BIL was dating a Korean girl a few years ago, even learned a bit of the language, then she dumped him. Her relatives were appalled at how she dumped him. They were ok if she changed her mind but the way she did it was disgraceful. Of course BIL was oblivious because he wasn't oriental....but I was, so went to the shop where they knew I was related to BIL, I asked for that girl and the uncle came out and explained the girl had been sent back to Korea. LOL!!!

Eventually BIL married a very nice girl from Ecuador. I love this SIL. She is very nice.

L.

On the spilling the beans, are you referring to me telling WH how I found out who OW was? I told him after I met OW in the hotel parking lot. I have been very open and honest with him regarding what I have done, just not about what I haven't done yet. It was sort of amusing to see him freaking out about which one of his two buddies ratted him out on the hotel location. But I found that out on my own too (that on was a fluke, process of elimination coupled with too much coffee on a night that I didn't have the kids with me)

I struck out again at OWH's house. But I do know that I have the right phone number now. I do not know if OW lives there or not, but if she sees my # on the caller ID, oh well. I may try to get by there tomorrow after work, this is costing me a ton of $$ in gas, it is an hour each way.

I have thought about asking this lady to call OWH's for me. But she is a complete stranger to me, I just walked in to her store and asked if she would help me with the translation. She was very sweet. I would feel better having a Korean speaking person with me, but maybe my note and his limited english will get the communication across.

I still hate this, but I feel like he really crossed a line telling the kids that mommy won't let them meet daddy's new friend. I am going to see if the lawyer can ask that the kids don't meet her until her divorce is final too. She can't file until she gets her citizenship which could be 5-7 more years.

I guess I will see the lawyer this week and get papers started so I can get a temporary order of support. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he doesn't try to freeze me out financially. And while he is living in the hotel, I can ask for limited visitation for the kids. I will ask for what he has been doing the past month-Saturday/Sunday and one dinner a week. We can hash out the 50/50 stuff once he has a permanent residence.

But, I would take him back in a heart beat if my H could dig his way out of the alien shell. But that is not likely to happen.

I might be losing my mind. (Is it losing or loosing?)

I am trying to come up with a game plan. I am remembering our last separation (due to my head up my a$$) and how we were just a big happy polygamous family (due to H's head up his a$$). I have always said that H's exGF planned B me better than he ever could. I have thought about ordering the stopyourdivorce booklet because the stuff that I have read makes sense in dealing with my WH.

I still will talk to OWH. And this is completely justifiable since WH told me "super sleuth" to figure out OW's legal name myself.

But here is where I may need a 2 x 4. I do, firmly believe that my WH may marry this woman and have 6 kids with her (he doesn't want any more kids) just to prove to everyone how right he was. So, what if we all just go with his flow. Bring the little woman over and we'll all play cards. She wants this family so bad, come on over and start taking care of these children.

That is what broke up H and exGF. The reality that there were children and an exwife person to deal with. She could not understand our coparenting relationship. Right now, WH and OW are living in their little bubble and even after OWH, that won't change. He will either stop it, or they will just keep sneaking around.

My feeling is, me fighting this affair just drives him closer to her. So let's just proceed with the D, bring her on in here to this sick sordid mess and see if she can hang. I watch how exGF responded to the family and she wanted to keep her and H all cozy and alone. Well, H wanted to be with his friends and exGF didn't like that.

I know I sound crazy. This is not plan A or plan B. I guess I'm just tired. The realization that I am going to have to tell the kids about daddy's new friend has got me pretty loopy.

....letter to the INS:

Dear Sir,

A person has been let into this country and her sole purpose right now is to establish permanent residency and marry an American. At this time, she is married to a man of her culture and is currently having an affair with an American man who happens to be married to me.

Our family is suffering greatly due to this situation and I was wondering what can be done with those who enter this country (possibly illegally) or with the wrong intent.

Why am I taking this step to inform your office? Because I am tired of seeing our tax dollars pay for non citizens take advantage of programs designed to help good people. Instead the system is being manipulated for the bad.

I realize this is one small issue but it is these little issues that are breaking the foundation of our society. Right now my H can't see straight. He has not only abandoned his family financially and emotionally but spiritually and mentally as well.

Will we be able to live here as a result? Possibly not. Our family may be displaced as a result of this person being allowed to prance around like she has the rights of a working citizen who has invested their time, lives and $$ into this culture and economy.

I feel our family and others in these types of predicaments are being pillaged. Can you help?

Her name:
Address:
phone#:

Work address:
SS#:

I fear our family is not the only one taking advantage of. Her own community is now having to add this dirty secret to the rest of pile. I know I don't want to be part of that group which is enabling the A.

I hope you understand my despair. It w/b nice if you could assist in correcting this situation.

Thank you for your time and attention to our family's grave problem.

Sincerely,
BS and family.


Howz that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Orchid, I may need that in a day or two. That is what the nice stranger told me to do. Tell OWH that if he cannot keep his wifey at bay, I will call immigrations. No matter how little english he speaks, he will know that word.

I agree but don't warn. It will only hurt you. HOld your cards close and don't reveal your plan.

Even OW's H is not t/b trusted. At least not at this time.

I don't speak Korean but my broken down pidgin may work.....if you want me to give it a try.... imagine getting an exposure call from out in the middle of the big blue? LOL!!! How r they gonna link that? Of course my house # is blocked so more for them to wonder.

Just a suggestion, let me know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

take care,
L.

I am hoping the note will work. I may go back and ask the stranger lady to call OWH for me. She was very helpful. There is also a foreign language institute in town. I thought about seeing if I can pay somebody some cash just to ride with me for translation. But doing that would give me an excuse to wait a few more days. I need to do this while I am feeling froggy.

I wish I knew for sure whether OW lived with him or not. I would be inclined to have someone leave a message on his machine with my contact info. But if she lives there, that would ot do any good. But since I called there today, if she lives there, I should be getting a call from WH blessing me out tomorrow.

But, he knows he screwed up today with the kids. I did hear a little bit of that in his voice...

Oh Orchid, I really do appreciate the offer. If you felt like you could really get the message to him, I would love to have you call. It is hard knowing who to trust. Even the stranger lady may not have been someone I should have talked to. But, she denied knowing the people involved and as far as I know, my WH has never done any work for her.

That is the hard part, every Korean I know is someone who my WH has done work for. He is well known in almost all dry cleaners. I will say that for him, he is good at what he does, he just screwed up and use the wrong "tool" on this particular job.

Orchid, when you said don't warn (about immigrations) do you mean I should not threaten OWH with immigrations?

I must make people crazy here. I have a sure fire way to remove the OW from my situation and I won't do it. How many BS's would not just make the OP evaporate if they had my chance.

My fear is, if I had her deported, WH would just pine for her forever and never forgive me for sending away his "true love".

I was reading another thread about how D-day normally happens at the height of the A and it is amazing to me that anyone makes it through this. I realize that on d-day, WH did now NC. But just a few hours earlier, he had been professing his love to her.

I am leaning more towards having a third person translate for me. A one line note will get him the message, but I need to make sure he understands where this situation is. IF OW told him anything, I need to counter whatever she said.