Never give your position or plan of A to the enemy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> At this time, it includes your WS, OP and OP's H.

You don't know where the OP's H stands on this matter. Better t/b safe than sorry.

I wrote a letter to OW's Mom. She is Chinese and an old woman (was suppose to be about 80 at the time - 5 years ago). I had someone who could translate it. Decided not t/d it but probably should have. I also had the opportunity to contact OW's H but didn't. Again, I probably should have. There was a question about drugs and the PI thought it w/b safer if I didn't contact her H. At that time, I was playing it safe and it tortured me big time. What I endured via the OW's wrath, was horrible and my case is not the worse. One the things the OW accused me of was being a lesbian and having an A with my FIL. There is more.....but you get the pix.

Much later, when I finally stopped telling the WS my plans, went into a plan B mode and stopped talking to him....it scared the OW. I recall an e-mail from her to the WS telling the WS to 'watch out for L. L is up to something.' LOL!!! I sure was (plan B). Later she told the WS that 'OW was afraid of me and had to look over her shoulder all the time'. Well that was dumb. OW is about 5'4" and I'm a measly 4'10". LOL!!! Also we lived in 2 different cities and counties..... I worked full-time + Over time, took care of my child, house and other responsbilities....really no time to be a threat to the OW in person but from a distance, my plan B actions made her think I c/b. So I told the WS, that yea, the OW s/b scared. BOO!!! LOL!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Point is, it is better for the NOT to know your plans.

L.

I was not able to catch OWH at home again. But I did go to the Korean Church across the street from my work. I had never been in there before, but the pastor helped me. I explained the situation to him, he helped me with my letter adding some more info.

This pastor also is pretty sure he knows my WH and OW/OWH. He said half of his congregation is in the dry cleaning business and he is pretty sure he knows who my H is, said he seemed like such a nice guy. He told me which church he thinks OW goes to. But the pastor said he also believes that OW and OWH are not living as man and wife. But he will put out a few feelers and see what exposure he can do.

But he did tell me to give OWH the letter. The Americans I talk to say just leave it all alone (except mor MBers of course), but the few Koreans I have spoken to tell me to inform OWH and threaten with INS.

I also finally got registered on that Korean forum and posed my problem. I got a lovely response from a Korean gentleman telling me that this woman is not worth anything and that I should not accept being disrespected like this.

But, I have my letter, have done a little more exposure and wasted $10 in gas again today trying to reach OWH. But, he will be at work tomorrow, I guess OW will be there too, I'm not sure how to get past her to him.

Joanna -

I'll be rooting for you tomorrow!!!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
Married 13 years
DS age 6
Plan B 10-11-05 No contact yet!

Interesting POVs. Now you get the privilege of knowing the input and doing what you can. Having the support of others is helpful.

take care,
L.

Crap, I don't know what has happened in my little brain, but tonight, I just don't feel like fighting this anymore. I have my letter for OWH, I can drive out there tomorrow (I think Mom can watch the girls) or I can have it mailed to him certified so I know he will get it instead of OW.

BUT, I am just not sure that I care. I am trying to figure out what has happened, but I am 100% sure that it is NOT just fear of more confrontation. I really don't think I give a [email]d@mn[/email] anymore.

Best case scenario, he comes home, sticks his head back under a rock, we never figure out how to do marriage right and he will end up leaving again. I honestly think that the EN that OW meets is that english is her second language-he doesn't have to talk to her! Right after D-Day, he was talking about how no one else wants him to fill out questionaires on how to meet his needs, they just "know". Well, I like paperwork, I am ready to let a computer tell me who I am compatible with and forget all the moon, spoon, June crap.

Someone at dinner asked me for WH updates, I just told him I am not talking about him right now-I am having a good day. I am just not sure, knowing my H like I do, that this will be worth it in the long run. OK, so I give OWH the letter, he probably doesn't care, I have had several people tell me that they are married in name only (besides WH and OWH). I get the wh0re deported, I take out an ad in the Korean Weekly whatever... will it really make difference?

There is still the issue of getting his needs met. Yes, I was very happy this past year-why? After being apart for two years, I knew exactly what I wanted from a relationship and I told him. And he delivered. I do not think that he has the capacity to know what he wants, he just knows what he doesn't want. I hear myself talking to my children when they have a problem, I say "tell me what you need and I will do my best to help you". That is my marital style too, I can do whatever it is, but you have to know what it is first.

Maybe I am just starting to really look at this all. If I get what it is I say I want, will I be happy? If WH ever comes home, will I be happy? Not now, not after knowing what I know. Because I don't trust him to be honest about his feelings. He has said he has been lying for the past year. I don't believe that, nor does anyone else, but will I ever be able to trust him if he said he was happy?

I read about people years after recovery started and the long term effects. I am just not sure that we are cut out for that. I am not obsessing about the sex stuff, that is not my issue right now (of course, he is STILL denying a PA). It is the EA part that is worse. The not knowing what it is that she can do, other than not communicate verbally. I am just not sure that I can think about spending my life just cooing at him, no matter how assinine he sounds.

Maybe my family is just getting to me, no one has any idea why I have acted remotely interested in saving my M. I think they are hurt for me, but secretly delighted that I may finally get away from him.

So is this normal cold feet, or just acceptance of the sorry state of the M, before, during and after the A.

maybe you're just having a bad day today or a good day....and it makes you think you'd be better off without him

wait to see what tomorrow brings

Well, I slept much more soundly last night. I woke up an hour and a half later than I have been waking up!

Today, I still don't give a darn about the M. My WH keeps telling me that all he was to me was a "peni$ and a paycheck" . I guess he was right. He has always treated me with indifference so I never looked to him to meet my EN. I only asked from him what I thought he could deliver. My need for warm fuzzies was met by people who actually do like me.

I know that WH thinks that I am a great mom, he respects that. I do believe that we had grown to be amazingly compatible in the SF. We never argued about money, SF or the kids, all those things were not a problem for us. I do not think I will ever know what made him vulberable to the A. I respected him, I treated him like the king of his castle, I never nagged him. People tell me they are amazed with the stuff he got away with, never lifting a finger around here.

But I am not a mind reader, and that is what he wants. All the ball busting stuff was done during the 10 year run. I just can't stress enough, we did not speak a harsh word to each other since our reconciliation. The only thing we argued about was his mistress.

He told someone recently that the reason he had to leave me was because I was addicted to the internet, not porn or anything, just your basic SAHM sites. And yes, I spend TOO much time on the computer. But, he is/was gone 12-14 hours a day, there is only so much dusting and vacuuming and laundry to do.

And I had offered to throw the computer out. I use it for homeschooling, but I can do it without internet, I've done it before. Nothing makes any difference. There is something that he will not say. His reasons for leaving are invalid in my ball busting opinion.

I guess that is the problem right there. I am unable to validate feelings that make no sense to me. I will work on that, but I don't think I can work on that with WH.

I could make a list of things that would have to happen for me to emotionally invest in WH again. It started as a short list, but it gets longer with each passing day, too much destruction as happened. I think the potential pay off is just not there. I have been hurt that he did not have enough faith in me to invest in recovery. Today, I don't have faith in either of us.

I will most likely give OWH the letter, he needs to protect himself and his business interest. My WH told me a few months back that his plan was to start saving $ to purchase his own dry cleaner, so he would have something to retire on. I guess this is how he plans on getting one, taking it from OWH. That is sad and OWH needs to divorce his W and get the business out of her name.

I feel very peaceful, not apathetic, not depressed, just done.

I had to talk to the girls about what has been said this weekend about OW. Their dad told them about her but said not to tell me. That raised a big red flag for me, since we have always told the girls that mommy and daddy are a team and we don't keep secrets. For years, we have talked about "surprises" vs "secrets". So, WH telling the girls to keep OW a secret from Mommy is an issue. Apparently, he also led them to believe that he moved out first, then met OW.

I did well, I stayed very calm, I answered all the childrens' questions. I explained that I had broken the rule when I was with OM, I hurt dad very badly, but I realized I had made a mistake, I came home and asked for forgiveness. I told them that daddy was breaking a rule now and that is why we are planning to divorce. They seem to understand but they seem excited to meet OW since she sounds like so much fun.

So, I calmly called WH, and explained how harmful the keeping secrets thing was. That we had always protrayed ourselves as a team, even when we lived apart. He did admit that he was wrong in how he handled that. He said he was just not prepared to answer their questions. That seems surprising to me based on the amount of time he spends on the phone with her while the children are there.

I calmly asked what his new intention were as far as letting the kids meet her since last week he did not intend to tell them about her. He says he is in no hurry, he wants to make sure that relationship is solid first <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have explained on more than one occasion that it seems very inappropriate to parade a married woman around as his GF. I do not know how to express that without sounding judgemental so I am sure I am LBing.

I know that my actions are showing that I am condoning the A. I gues I am, I am not going to fight for this man any more. I guess I am done at MBers, I am ready to let the lawyer handle it from here on out. I would like to lurk a while longer, I love reading about the success stories.

He did say that it would be helpful if I could ASK him to do something like not introducing the GF to the kids instead of trying to mandate it with legal action. I guess that is the kind of ball busting behavior that I am doing. I don't think I am willing to ask him nicely to stop screwing with our children's heads.

Disrespectful judgements must be my biggest problem. When we were talking about the married GF thing, WH was trying to explain how he could spin that to the children, that is realy wasn't a marriage but a...

And I quickly said, not a marriage but a way to defraud our government??

I can't imagine how to successfully plan A without LBing when everything they do or say is so screwed up.

It's not a lovebuster to tell your children the truth and to prevent him from lying to them.

I still feel like a pretty much don't care anymore and that there is no hope for my M, but I did it anyway.

I have asked WH for OW's legal name for the adultery charge and he has replied "You are the bleeping super sleuth, figure it out yourself". So today, I had my letter that had been translated by the preacher I met Sunday. I went to OW/OWH business and of course she was there.

She did not appear to recognize me at first, I just showed her a paper and asked if that was her legal name. She said it was, I said that I am WH's wife and I needed it for my lawyer. She asked if we could talk out back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So we did, she wanted to know what she could do to stop all this, I said it was too late, he had said NC at first, I have asked her to respect my family, she just wont stop so it is time to proceed.

While we were out back, OWH came out. I stayed very calm, never appeared threatening or out of control. I introduced myself and he gestured that he knew who I was by making a sign like he was choking his wife behind her back! So he did know and he said he was hurt and angry. I gave him my note, he indicated he understood.

Then he tore into her in a verbal tirade-all Korean, but I did understand that he was talking about my children and I did hear the magic word out of his mouth-"immigrations".

We shook hands and parted ways, him escorting her to the car to finish their talk.

Maybe too late, but at least I did it.

Good for you!

The OW asks what she can do? After she sees you mean business!

You're uuuuber cool!

And the OWH is uuuber mad! Rightly so!

You did the right thing!

Now duck as firestorm begins. Take the kids out to chuckie cheese tonight. I'd let WH fume by himself. Don't be there to fuel any arguement. Let the kids have some peace.

And it is always best kids kow the truth. Lying does NOT protect children.

My son put it best at age five...He called FV a "family-stealer"...or as he saw it. I had said nothing to him about her. He had just come back from his dad's and I had placed him in his little carseat. He said "Daddy should not live with her. God does not like it..(how did he know?)...FV is a family stealer. Talk to daddy and make him come home right now!"

I does really stink for the kids, especially now that they know about OW. Luckily, my mom watch them while I talked to her, I hope that she and my children never lay eyes on each other.

I haven't heard from WH yet, I do not intend to answer the phone. But, I just did as he asked and got her name myself-right? I wish I would have asked OWH to call WH and let him know that contact was over.

The most frustrating thing was her lack of communicaton with me. Not that anything she said would have made a difference, but acting like you don't speak English really bugs me. I even said "OW, I know you speak english, you talk for hours on the phone with my H, so talk!"

I did ask if she intends to D her husband and what not-she just seems like a scared little girl. She just doesn't have any idea what she is in for with me as the exwife.

The weirdest thing was, as I was pulling in to the McDonalds for mom to watch the kids, WH drove right by! Luckily, he was gazing at the drycleaners, he looked right over my head. I thought I was going to have to abort mission, but I guess he really didn't see me. If he had, he would have turned around and tried to intimidate me to leave.

So if I don't answer the phone, he will have to text message me. I should be able to save any threatening TM's.

Good job, Jean!! When you do talk to him, I would just cheerfully tell him that you are so sorry he is upset, but you felt it was a good idea for the OW's H to know about the affair, too. Then just smile sweetly.

Hi Jean36,

What a courageous thing you did today.

Jean, do you think OWH is behind all of that also, only pretending he is not?

I think that OWH may not care about the A, but he sure as heck cares about their immigration status. I never even brought that issue up-I just said I needed her legal name for the adultery charges. OWH is the one that mentioned immigrations.

He is older than she, maybe he has enough sense to figure out how this is all going to go down if it continues.

WH says he will admit adultery in the D, but I don't think HE can divorce ME on the grounds of HIS adultery. I may be wrong, but he will have to divorce me on some other grounds. He knows I will not accept a D on the grounds of irrec. differences. The only irrec. diff we have is our feelings about OW.

But, I have no faith that this will change anything marriage wise. But not caring anymore feels pretty healthy for me.

Do you think that OWH and OW are living as man and wife, or are they already divorced or were they married?

I'm just asking because a lot of immigrants are so desperate they will do anything to get a greencard. Including divorcing thier spouse to marry an american to get a green card. If they can't get political asylum, they will try it the way I just asked about.

I really don't have any idea. Some people say they live together, other people say they don't. I don't even know whether to waste time saying what all I have been told. What I know, is that they bought this business together in 6/05 and they had the same address listed then. After d-day, WH told me they started as "friends" and even talked about getting their mutual spouses together for dinner one night. Now, he never mentioned this invite at the time, so I don't know if that is true. But the EA started June/Julyish.

I have also been told that neither of them are citizens and that it will take 5-7 years to get citizenship. They applied together. They own a business together. I just don't know how all this stuff works.

But, I would think the OWH would be pretty PO's thinking that she is going to D him to marry my H and leave him high and dry on the immigrations thing. I just have no idea what the truth is.

I don't blame you for not accepting a D for what it really is. I would make it very difficult on him.

How long have they been in America so far?