Hi Jean,
Just take it one step at a time, as it comes.

You have a lot to think about, and a lot of decisions to make for yourself and the children if it comes to divorce.
Don't negotiate with WH, he will only toss you to and fro.
Let a lawyer handle it for you as Hurting is doing.

My sympathies to the 3 of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lady

e-mail me: mborchid2@yahoo.com

Thanks Orchid

The kids and I talked alot last night, we just talk and draw about our feelings. I need to get them into the local Divorce Care group, I guess that is just a bit more of my denial.

Interestingly, I have talked to a few people that were at the birthday party Saturday. They were surprised to hear WH yelling at me like that. I must just be used to it, but they were shocked at how he was towering over me screaming at me.

Just more evidence that he has lost his mind , and even now, I love him and pity him. (not enough to trust him or get screwed by him, but I am sad for him)

ARGHHHH- This crap just really pi$$es me off!!

Yesterday, I left a message with an immigrations lawyer and he just called me back. I briefly explained the situation and asked if that info was a matter of public record.

He was just so darn hateful "Well this is really none of your concern, yes it is a matter of public record but no one is going to give you that information"

How is this "none of my concern"??

Why am I the bad guy here??

Immigration lawyers generally are the ones that help the people get into this country. Probably not a good source. They can work on the 'dark side'.

Use a good investigator w/legal ties instead.

L.

I talked to the PI today, he found a source that will help us. He told me that immigrations stuff is very hard to find out, for some reason. But he found a guy that works for the DEA that can get us the info.

But he needs a DOB or SS#. One web search off of Zaba gave me a DOB for OWH, but I am not positive it is the same guy. None of the addresses listed were his current, or the last one I have anyway. I don't want to give the guy the wrong DOB.

I am going to try to get down to get a copy of the business license tomorrow. Hopefully, it will have some sort of ID # on it.

I just wanted to say how proud I am of my girls during this hard time.

Last night, I mentioned that I was getting chilly, and my 6yo said, maybe you are cold because you miss snuggling with daddy. And then she said, I am sorry I mentioned that if it made you feel bad.

And today, we decided that we were going to start an afternoon walk habit (I tend to get funky sad in the afternoons). So tonight, the girls took the recliner and added YD special blanket, a pillow, the stuffed elephant they gave me and my big of chocolates-and they set up a throne so I could relax.

YD (6yo) seems to be doing so much better than OD (8yo). YD was drawing a before and after picture of the day daddy left, and what life is like now. When daddy left, her picture was sad and daddy was turning his back to walk away. Her today picture, had her smiling under a rainbow with hearts.

OD's pics show daddy and OW smiling and holding hands, while we three sit with frowns. I am having the hardest time helping OD believe that this is not the end of the world.

They asked me how I was feeling so they could draw pics of my feelings, I listed sad, confused, nervous about the future but also excited to see what God has in store for us next. I told the how I felt about a move I had made once, I cried all the way there thinking I was making a big mistake, and it turned out to be a great experience. They had never known how scared I was about that move.

We went skating with the girl scouts Monday. It was their first time skating. OD was terrified, woke up crying about skating. By the end of the night, she wanted skates for Christmas. I tried to help her see that sometimes we expect the worst, but it is not as bad as we expect and can be a blessing if we look at it that way.

I wish I had an on site counselor to help with the girls. I am so afraid of causing them damage. If they see me hurt, I am afraid that they will take over the "caretaker" role too much. If they don't see me hurt, they will think I don't understand their pain. So I just try to temper the hurt with the hope. I try to answer their questions, validate their feelings and try to reassure them that Daddy and I love them very much. I try to encourage OD to have patience with daddy-she is so angry right now.

I need to look into the local Divorce Care group. Maybe talking with other kids will help.

Hi Jean, this is what happened with me and DS today...

Jean, I went with DS, age 16, to counseling today. The lady has been a counselor to OD and now DS. I have known her for years. I tried so hard not to cry, she knew what my H had done by my call to her a few months ago. So when she brought up what home life was like right now, I burst into tears. She told me I need to go to Alanon. She told me that my DS is very worried about me, because I don't do anything or go anywhere (depressed basically). She told me my DS wants to do right now to take care of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just when DS was doing so well, my H (who is supposed to be the adult and example) messes up so bad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

May God help our children!!

Love, Lady

Nothing new to report. There is no opportunity to plan A as the only thing he wants to discuss is the D. I stay calm and repsectful and just let him know that I will comply with whatever the judge orders (he just goes on and on about me giving him the vacation money back). We did not speak to each other Wed or Thurs. I TM'd him Thurs PM asking what day/time he was picking up the kids.

We have to get on a schedule with regards to the kids. I spend the latter part of the week in limbo not knowing when he is planning on getting them. People ask me why I let him dictate my plans, I guess I am trying to show that I am supportive of his parenting time. I guess that is my meager plan A.

I have spent the past few days a little more funky than usual. I think this is a new stage of grief-the "it really is over stage". I am tired of people telling me to move on, if my H had dropped dead (which he essentially did), I would hope it would not seem odd that two months later, I was still mourning.

I was very productive and motivated for several days in a row, now I am pretty blah and lumpy. I did break down and borrow money from my brother for groceries yesterday-that really stunk. My BIL (WH's best friend) has offered money, but I just can't take his $. I want him to hit his best bud upside the head, but he won't. Maybe it would relieve his guilt to give me money. But I just want him to "fix" my WH. I know that is not reasonable, and I am trying to deal with that, I don't need a resentment against BIL, I don't want to cause my sister any problems. And intellectually, I know no one can "fix" someone else.

I have decided (for today) to go ahead and keep the house. If I sold now, I would have to work my butt off to get it ready, and probably just break even. If he will pay the note for two years, I may be able to get the work done and have get a better price. I do want the option to sell before the two years if it serves me well. I resent him trying to dictate where I will live. But, I haven't seen papers yet, so there is no point in my assuming that the two year offer is what he will actually do.

I'm lonely, I'm draining fast, I am with the kids 24 hours a day with no adult intervention other than internet and the phone. It is exhausting not ever getting a break. I am burning out. Hopefully, I am just PMSing and this funk will blow over soon.

Good Morning Jean,

I hate to see you and the children living that way. Now you are down to.... how are you going to feed the children?
And having to borrow money.

There may be some churches, organizations in your area that would help with food.

Also, if H is not giving you money for food, you could go and appy for emergency assistance at the Dept. of Social Services and get emergency food stamps.

Another thought.....You have vacation money, and no food.
What is more important? I would take that money and make sure your children are fed. Your WH cannot say anything about that even in the courts. Buy food, pay a bill if needed and keep your receipts to show what you used that money for.

Lady

I am trying to figure out what I am thinking about the whole vacation money thing. I know I will spend it if I have to, that is a no brainer. I will keep receipts to prove that is was used to take care of the kids. The lawyer that I spoke to said don't let him intimidate me, that is "our" money.

My feeling is, that money is mentally labeled as house payment money. I do feel like WH will try to financially freeze me out as per the WS handbook. So knowing that I have months mortgage payment set aside is very important to my safety. I can borrow a tad here and there and then pay that money back as soon as I sell some stuff.

So I have my new credit card for the lawyer when needed, (I know that is probably irresponsible to charge attorney fees on credit-but at least I have that option now). I have the vacation $ for the mortgage (which he has paid so far) and I scrape together enough here and there for groceries and stuff.

I have two half-a$$ed vehicles to sell and a bunch of hand tools if needed. I wish this had all happened a few months ago, I could have a killer yard sale. My WH is a audio/video junkie and I have a ton of stuff I could make $$ on. Maybe I will start ebaying some of this crap.

And, as soon as it gets intolerable, I can file for a temp order of support. I think I just really want him to be the one to file, I think that is something I need. I don't ever want him to say that I divorced him. This is his deal now, he asked why I keep pushing him to file before he is "situated" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But, I can live broke, BTDT. I am not scared of that. If I have to (and I don't want to) I will go to the dept of human services to get aid and they can go after WH for reimbursement. I am sure his enabling boss would love a letter telling boss that he needs to garnish WH's checks.

WH has no access to my account, he probably doesn't even know where I bank. Even during our M, he pretty much could ignore me and was not at all attentive to anything I did. I probably should move that money, just in case. But like I said, that is my back up mortgage money. I think that he will stop paying the mortgage if I don't learn how play nicer.

My first question is....Is WH only giving money for the mortgage? Is he contributing to anything else such as gas, electric, phone, or groceries at all.


Jean you can't live broke. So WH is paying the mortgage so far.

DSS would not garnish WH paycheck for foodstamp help. If you were apply for cash aid they might.
You can get emergency foodstamps, but because you have money in an account (vacation money), they would take that into consideration as you having money. You have to tell them that that was vacation money, and you have it set aside just in case he doesn't pay the mortgage.

I guess this really bothers me that you are now having to borrow for food. You need to get help!!

Lady

WH is paying the mortgage and the utilities. He had agreed to give me $300 a month for groceries, but now he won't since I won't give him the vacation money. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him to pay the bills and why I want to hold on to the vacation $ until there is a court order.

Maybe, mentally this is just like more exposure to me. Since everyone knows about the A now and it doesn't make any difference. Perhaps people will be less tolerant of the A if they know there is no grocery money.

I am no where close to code red yet. I am still working and generating some $$. I have the two cars to sell. I have his big beautiful TV to sell <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I just need to get some stuff gone as when he files, the county automatically installs some kind of restraining order against disposing of assets.

Again, I think this is some kind of mental game on my part. I need to see how low he will go so I can get some clarity on the death of my M.

He is just digging himself a bigger hole, he will run out of ways to justify his behavior-or he won't.

Maybe I just don't have enough sense to know when I should be scared.

Jean,

You are thinking ahead most definitely. It is scary not knowing what our WH's are going to do regarding the money. Even though your WH said he would pay mortgage for the time being, he has already decided not to give you grocery money b/c of the vacation money you are keeping.

What does he plan on doing with the vacation money???

Kim

Okay, my misunderstanding. I thought you were broke.

Having to borrow for food is pretty code red toooo meeee!!

But it sounds like you have a plan. Hope it all works for ya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady

I guess I would be code red to most. I had some unexpected expenses since d-day with stuff that I assumed WH would be around for. The money I borrowed helped offset that expense. I spent $200 in girl scouts, and when I signed the girls up, we were happily married.

I have the V money to keep us above ground, but I try to ignore it mentally. My brother offered $$ and I did not refuse it. I will pay him back when I sell one of the cars.

Last time we separated, I had spent my last $46 bucks on groceries and did not know where the next money was coming from. I have more options this time, I just need a little time to get stuff sold and to pick up more hours.

I will spend the V money or use the credit card to get a lawyer and temp order of support before I get that low again. I won't feel code reddish until the V money is being eaten away.

Like I said, I think it is a rope giving exercise, see if he will hang himself. I do want to hold off on using the V money, I just need to have back up plans for my own sanity.

My brother is thinking about buying one of the cars, like he needs something else to tinker with. But that would be good.

I am just trying not to freak out, keep a stiff upper lip and not refuse help when offered.

jean,

Your doing the same thing I did. Keeping afloat by however you can. its hard to do seeing how i am there with you.

I now have a court date for my LS, its Dec, 9. So I still have a month of floating to make it through. but I have made it through the last 5 months so I can make it one more. Since the papers now have been filied everything is now frozen. I can't sell anything unless its for survival reasons. If I can prove I did it to keep food on the table or pay the bills then i can liquidate stuff. I have to keep all receipts if I do this. I have no plans of doing it but you never know.

Keep up the good work even though its hard. We will make it through this....

Kim, he plans on taking his "new and improved" family to disneyland (I guess). I have no idea. I have said I will not discuss it anymore with him.

I am still thinking about the code red-examining my mind set. I would be code red IF the V money wasn't there. Maybe I am just playing the martyr. I have a back up place to live, a back up car to drive (my car is running on prayers at this point). I am just trying to stay a month or two ahead of the "Cheaters guide to screwing your family".

Even is work buddy offered me money the other day. I just don't see how guys will offer to give me cash but not offer to smack WH upside the head <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> This male loyalty thing really gets to me. I told buddy, thanks but no thanks, if you want to help, please find my H for me.

I have a 2pm panic attack about the money thing every day for some reason, but it is still early in the day yet. I'll probably freak out later.

Well WH just called. He wants to schedule a time where we can sit and discuss the terms of the divorce. I asked him to find child care and an impartial third party as we don't do well having settlement discussions. I said that he needs to just make his offer and get it on paper, then I will take it to an attorney to see if that is the best I will get. I guess he wants an agreement to save money, he does not want to file something that I will contest the terms of.

He is moving to a different hotel closer to the house this weekend. I guess his lawyer said he needs to step up on the visitation stuff. And lawyer said we can fight about the vacation $$, but the lawyers will end up with it. So now he wants to split it.

He needs account #'s, balances and SSN# now. He mentioned the taxes, I have not told him I plan on filing a separate return. He says his lawyer has assured him that the offer is fair and reasonable.

This all makes me want to puke. I feel I need to go ahead and file. Go big and let him try to bargain me down.

I hate this

No more panic attacks allowed! Get out of the house every day at 2pm. Take the girls to the park, visit a friend, library...anything at that time to take your mind off of it.

But at least you have some backup plans. Limbo is a hard place to be.

Lady