Jean,

Regardless of what you may or may not find out about the meeting, IMHO you already have what you need to move forward.

You can get a PI or go straight to immigrations to find out their true status. I recommnend it. Other than that, work on protecting your children and your financcial status.

If the chldren express concern about being scared or not wanting to go, document it and let the WS know.

The words he is babbling to you is a result of the A disease...... it is not your H, it is the WS talking and expect him t/b hurtful. WS' don't like BS and families.

My motto: Plan A your H but plan B the WS. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. When your heart and mind sync up..... look out WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Oh but Kim, sometimes I wish I could slow all this down. I figure that I am going to have to plan A from afar (very hard to do once we become platiff and defendant). I hope, hope that at some point, something will slow him down and he may come back (maybe the lawyer telling him he is screwed and he needs to go home and fake it for awhile).

Then there would be indefinate inhouse plan A'ing, I am sure the A would continue. Then a plan B and then we would see where we end up. I am figuring this could take the better part of a year before recovery is even possible-at least a year to start working on a blip on the radar. That sounds pretty hopeless <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The only thing I have going for me is that my WH is very, very lazy. At least H was, I don't know about this new guy. He has been out of the house for 6 weeks and has still not talked to a lawyer. And truthfully, the only time he gets all huffy is when there is more exposure.

Oh, for good news, I applied for a credit card and got it, in my name only! The interest rate stinks, but at least I have it for emergency lawyer money. I don't want to use it, but I may charge a little here and there to try to build up my own credit. I had really good credit before I married WH.

I think the reason that I don't completely freak out is because we have done this crap before. We were separated for two years and ended up back better than ever. I know there is still room for improvement, at some point he will need to ID his needs and I will need to listen.

I am still not scared. I do not think I have anything to apologize for today. I emailed my sister and BIL and told them I was sorry for my part in putting them in the middle. My BIL is WH best friend of 25 years (it gets a little sticky having my sister married to his best friend). I called last night and apologized if we made a scene at the birthday party-but the hostess had no idea anything had happened.

At the party last night, my other MIL (BIL's mom) came outside and I said to her "Wow, it really was WH's mistress and husband he was eating with the other night". That pretty much POd WH, he doesn't like it that I make it sound so tasteless and tacky.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think I most likely will talk to a PI about all this stuff. I just need to know exactly what I am dealing with. I don't guess it changes anything, I think they all are scared of me filing a D and naming OW. Honestly, I don't think it would matter. Who at INS goes through divorce paperwork? But as long as they don't want me to, I will let them know I am willing to.

Had a good carrot/stick interaction today. OD was freaking out at the skating rink and WH called me and OD wanted me to come get her. So we met up later and WH wanted to talk for a minute. It was the same ole "why can't we do this amicably blah blah..." I was very kind, no LBers, and I explained that I miss my H, I will not fight the divorce, but as it is now on this path, we are plantiff and defendant. I said I am not sure how he cannot see that I would need OW's name for the countersuit. It is nothing personal, but since there have been so many threats from him, I must treat him like plantiff in all D matters. I am happy for our coparenting, I miss our M but we also have this new relationship of plantiff and defendant.

He really cannot defend the threats, he just wants us to keep starting over (proceeding with the D nicely). I told him he could talk to anyone and they would say that I have not said one negative thing about him, no threats, no name calling. He said he can't talk to anyone, I have already told everyone everything with my "spin" on it. I asked him how he wanted me to spin "my husband left me for a married woman". He thinks I am leaving out pertinent info, nah, that is the cliff notes version and I like short and sweet.

So bottom line, please divorce me and help me pretty this all up so I don't look bad to anyone-same old same old.

But, it was a calm conversation, my point clearly stated, no LBs and he couldn't argue with any of it. Wait, that sounds like me being a ball buster, and I don't think I did that. It was just nice and firm and stable. I think that is OK.

He brought the kids home this AM, I handed him a few bills, no other interaction. The kids did tell me that he showed them a picture of OW to see if they were with me during the exposure. They weren't, but they were with me at a different dry cleaners when I found that lady to help me with the translation.

He has asked me where the kids were when I talked to OW/OWH and I told them they were with my mom. I guess he will be expecting me to call him and chew him out about the picture thing, so I guess the thing to do is not say anything.

So here is the sucky emotional part. He has never taken pictures of me, we have no pictures of us together. When I moved back home after the separation, there were pics of his former GF all over the place. Now he has pics of OW on his phone. There are maybe two pictures of me in our collection, and it was only because I was in the frame with the kids. That hurts...

Crap like that just makes me want to D over with so I can be with someone who will take pictures of me.

Rumor has it that WH has an appointment with a D attorney today.

I am not sure whether to feel scared, relieved or what. I don't need to be scared, I have nothing to lose that matters. My H is gone, I don't really care about the house or the stuff. I don't like change but I am not scared of it. I can be relieved that I don't have to spend the rest of my life celibate while he is getting his jollies. I can be with someone who will take pictures of me and protect my heart. I will soon know what his part of my future will be (finacially and custody wise).

I guess I am scared that I will just take whatever he offers without fighting. Or what if he makes me a reasonable offer and countersuing won't get me anything more. How much am I willing to risk to have OW named in the D. Can I stipulate that OW is not to be around my children until her divorce is final (which may take years as she is waiting for her citizenship). Do I want this termite infested house? Will he try to screw me in CS saying that we will do 50/50?

What if the legal system really doesn't care about fault and I am going to be screwed any way? When I was the WS, I screwed up, I knew it, I was scared that I was going to lose everything. I kissed his butt trying to keep it amicable. He wants it amicable now, buther uses threats and intimidation. What if I still get screwed even though I didn't mess up this time?

And I don't even know what I want out of a D. I just want my husband and my family back.

Jean,

You just want your husband and your family back, I know. But right now, try to focus on protecting yourself legally. I have made a mistake by trusting H and being hung up on "hope" that we could work it out.

In your case, H took you back after your EA, so there must be a strong tie between you two, but still, keep your expectation low at this point and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Hugs,
Milk

I have little to no hope about the Marriage. And I guess I am actively trying to see the positives about divorce, that picture thing really hurt me. Everyone says he is deadset on a D, so I am not going to fight him. I will get the best deal I can get out of this mess.

I think I am finally getting the 2 x 4. He told my brother that he and I were "even" now. He honestly doesn't know why I am making such a big deal out of this. I was wrong, I guess I did damage I cannot undo.

I am thinking about waiting to see what kind of papers he files and then turning in OW for immigrations fraud just for fun. Or maybe, wait until the D is final, then have her a$$ deported. I guess I can hold that threat over his head for a few years, until her citizenship is completed.

The guy didn't call back to buy the car. I am feeling broke and anxious, just waiting to see what kind of crap he is going to pull at the lawyers.

Well, I talked to WH today, surprise, his lawyer said he can't divorce me for his affair! So, he will file irr. diff. His lawyer also said that there would be no reason for me to name OW if I countered with adultery, which I don't get, but I will ask an attorney once I see his papers. He is offering to make the house payment for two years, but won't sign the deed over until two years as he doesn't want me to sell since the kids need stability. How can he say that I have to live here to give the kids stability when he has moved out to be with OW??

And the silly point that we keep getting stuck on is some $$ he put in my checking account a few months ago for our vacation-he wants it back. I am saying it will be a cold day in ****** (or until it is court ordered) that I will give him that vacation money.

He is meeting with the lawyer again Wednesday, I guess the OW has cured that lazy streak he has.

So, do you think I can have it court ordered that OW is not to be around my children until her divorce is final also?

Jean, he is trying to manipulate you. No divorce unless the papers say ADULTERY. He is trying to do this on his terms Jean, and don't believe him when he says he will pay the house payment either. You will need a lawyer. Let the judge tell him what he will pay.

I don't know if you can have court order to keep OW away from children.

Lady

I will have a lawyer look over the papers as soon as I get them. I realize that the #1 thing to him is keeping OW's name out of it. I just need to see what a lawyer says to see if what he is offering is a reasonable settlement.

I am irked about this holding me hostage in the house. But I surely can't get in financed in my name only. I just don't know how this stuff works. I am not even sure if I want the house.

I just have to decide if I am acting in mine and the kids best interest vs just acting out of retailiation. But, like I said, I can have OW deported any old time.

He trying to negotiate to get his way. And yes what is in the best interest of you and the children is what is important, not how he is going to divorce and figure out how to be with OW.

He must have a good job to say he will pay the mortgage plus his own living expenses, but don't believe his words.
Talk to a lawyer and see what is best and what he can do for you and the children.

Did you find out about her status and situation?

Lady

I did not find out anything about OW's status today. Honestly, I spent the majority of the day imagining WH at his attorneys office trying to make me look like the bad guy.

What my main problem is this: When I was the loser WW, I ate crap and kissed his butt because I knew I was wrong and I did everything I could to keep the peace so he wouldn't get nasty with me. He would have had every right to fight for full custody, charge me with the A etc... I never threatened, called him names or anything, I really tried to separate with the least amount of impact on him. I know it must have ripped his heart out, but re the kids and money, I really was beyond fair. I lived in squalor as a WW, and that is what I deserved.

Now he is the WH, and he threatens, cusses me, calls me name, says he is going to take the kids and the house from me. I just really want him to work out something that says "I know I did you wrong and I want this to have the least negative impact on you"

I don't want to be his hostage for two years, this house is a bad investment. I won't be able to afford it in two years, so why bother? Honestly, I don't want to be inconvenieced at all by his crappy choices-but that is me just having a temper tantrum.

We may have a reverse "War of the Roses", us fighting to see who gets stuck with the house <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I need to call both the banks and see what the mortgage balance is and call a realtor and see what it is worth. I am thinking he should pay me transitional alimony and CS, and if he wants the kids to live here part time-let him keep the darn house. I would love to see OW's face when she comes here and sees how he has taken care of his families home.

hey jean

just some info in case you need it

i didn't think that i could get the house financed in my name alone either but i qualified with no problem and even took cash out.

to get the payment low i'm in a 5 year locked in rate of 5.3% and for now i'm paying the interest only

if i choose to and can afford it i can sent the principal also but for the first few years it's only about $200 per month anyway so very little of the principal is paid off so for now i'm using it for extra living expense money

in 5 years the rate adjusts so i have to refinance before then....if my H comes home or not, i'll/we'll most likely sell the house and move closer to our families anyway.

i called my current mortgage company and told them what i was thinking about doing. they were very helpful because they wanted to keep my mortgage. i ended up refinancing with them.

Thanks for the info eav (and it sounds like your plan B is working great-good job) but, I am a SAHM that only works one day a week. Even with CS, I can not afford the house. I guess he thinks he is softening the blow by letting me stay here for two years before he makes me sell the house.

thanks Jean...it's still so early in my plan B to tell how it's going to go

some thoughts....

you could consider using the "adultry" claim as a bargaining chip(You give me what i want... and i'll give you what you want...irreconciliable differences)


i thought that a judge would allow you to stay in your house for 3 years since you have children?

my friend got her husband to agree to keep OW away from her daughter unttil they are both divorced. they had a separation agreement-were going to divorce on grounds of 2 years living seperate and apart as required in our state for an involuntary divorce where the person left behind isn't at fault. at the end of the 2 years, my friend wanted more child support and to keep her daughter away from OW. they went to court ordered mediation. the divorce has been dragging on for a whole extra year

also, if you stay in the house and H makes the mortgage payment, be sure to put in the agreement who will be responsible for house repairs and maintance expenses

Thanks eav,

I just have so many questions now that WH has talked to an attorney and I have a clear idea of what he is offering.

Yeah, I can bargain with the "pay me and I won't name your OW in the D" and then after the D is over, I'll have her deported <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

just an evil thought I like to run through my head. What I read today said "the best revenge against the woman that stole your husband, is to let her have him" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pass that info this way. I got no ties to that WS. LOL!!!

Thanks Orchid! I think I should call a PI tomorrow and just see how much info I can get on my limited budget.

And why am I scared to call INS?? I don't know, at this point, I really don't care if WH hates me. Maybe I just want to try to get the best settlement I can, then I can call INS. I think my fear is, that INS won't care either.