Oh Kim, please don't think I was offended-not at all. Actually, it might be harder to know both sides of the "fog". I do firmly believe that my H will wake up with such a sense of self loathing and guilt one day. I am scared for him, but I can't protect him. If it never happens, then he is not who I thought he was.

And for the first time in my life-my bedroom actually looks decorated. Almost everything goes together (except a filing cabinet, but maybe I can figure out a way to spruce it up)

Please, don't worry for a minute that you bothered me. This whole business pretty much stinks, doesn't it.

Did you buy some paint today?

Good, I feel better.

I didn't get to the store today ---- did a whole bunch of cleaning though. My mom is coming up later in the week.

I re-arranged the living room and moved a rug from the living room into the breakfast/bay area. Put it under the table. Looks good/different!! I like. The house smells fresh!

I still haven't locked WH out of the house & I know he will be by here tomorrow.......Wonder if he will think anything. Gotta stop that. Doesn't matter what he thinks.

I plan on rearranging the bedroom too & de-cluttering some before I paint. I am still torn between two of the colors.

I bet it feels good to have the bedroom decorated. That always seems to be the last room you ever do.

It's a bit fun not to have to worry about what the H will think about decorating, etc.!! I could almost invite someone over with all the work I've done today.

Kim

Jean,

Howa doin'? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Monday, I caught a glimpse of myself, being who I want to be, or who I know I can be. I don't want to be a single mom, but I know I can be a very good one. I got the girls started in counseling, I think this is going to be very good. The counselor asked if I thought WH would be willing to come in at some point, OD will need a safe place to talk about her anger with him. The girls and I then went to lunch, the library and the playground.

OD was pretty freaked out about the front porch looking different (it was clean) and she is just really resistant to any change. I am trying to be respectful of that, but I would also like to stop living like this. I want a comfy home for us, my WH was such a drain on this house.

WH did call the girls at bedtime last night. First time he has done that. I don't know if that is lawyer influenced or maybe his sister was able to get through to him a bit. It is irritating to think that the lawyer can get him to call his kids, but bottom line, he called his kids, that is good.

I read his bank statement several times, very sad how much $$ he is spending. But I need to just make a copy and file it, this is who he is now-don't let it burn anymore. My family will give me the $ for the retainer. I talked to another lawyer yesterday and they strongly suggested I find a lawyer in my county, one that knows the judges and procedures well. She gave the name of someone good here, I will check him out before I retain the other lady.

I really think I am a better me without him. I was hoping that him spending the weekend with his sister would change something. Maybe she could have gotten him to look at his anger towards me... but I guess not. I just thought he might say something, but the contact has been very brief and kid oriented. When the kids are done on the phone, I just hang up, I don't check to see if he is there. Then I wait to see if he calls back to talk to me, he doesn't, I get a small gnaw in my gut, then I go on.

But it is just a small gnaw, not a puking spasm, that is progress.

I started reading "The Proper Care and Feedings of Husbands", and it really made me sad. Maybe I am rewriting history, but I think I was pretty closely following her plan for a keeping your H happy. The past year, I was a model wife (IMO) She did say that unless you were married to a narcissist, this was the way to go. And I have felt like my WH has very narcissistic traits.

After talking and dissecting my marriage with everyone who knows us, the verdict seems to be this. We really were having a great year, it was a happy marriage. But something is still "off" in WH's life, so he had to make it about me and find someone else. Our history shows that he is not happier without me in his life, but obviously he is not that happy with me in his life either.

I get very frustrated with people saying I need to stop analyzing it, he is just thinking with his "little head", he found some sweet young thang etc. I really don't think that was it at all. It do believe that there was no SF at first (surely there is by now, but who knows). I get insulted (and this is my ego talking) by people trying to turn in into a simple case of being traded in for a younger model.

I would love the truth sometime, but I am not holding my breath. I can with 100% certainty explain why I ever had an A. I saw counselors, preachers, analyzed it before, during and after. My WH has said the only thing I did wrong was to believe in him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We are not speaking at this point, brief interaction with the kids swap, that is all. I spend much less time here at MB, I am not spending much time on the internet at all, and that is great for me.

I have been advised to find a lawyer that practices more in my county and have been given another referral, so I am waiting on a call back from the more local attorney.

Some of my plan A changes have stuck, with the house and getting more motivated, but others have slid back, mostly the putting on make-up and I have resorted back to my standard housewife uniform. When he is coming to get the kids though, I do have on make up and nice clothes, and I leave right after they do so he knows I am getting out and not just sitting here on the computer.

The kids exhaust me, there is just so much anger and sadness. I just feel like I am constantly dealing with someone's emotional outburst, but that is getting better too.

I would love if something would snap somewhere, this whole thing is very sad. I want something different than this D. But, honestly, I am more sad for him than I am for me. Me and the girls will thrive. Maybe he will thrive too, and that will make me sad in a way. I want to believe that he doesn't want this either, I want to believe that he wants his family. But, I am detaching, with love.

Orchid, thanks for thinking of me with the flowers!

(I couldn't open it though, I don't have power point, but I will try to see it from my sisters computer tonight)

((Orchid))

Thanks again for the flowers Orchid, they were lovely.

Nothing at all new to report. I have not heard from the local attorney. I try to figure out what I am supposed to do, which door to take. I thought my mind was made up about which attorney, then I get that call saying I really need someone who knows the ins and outs of my county. So, I knock on that door, no answer yet.

The drama is pretty nil right now. WH and I just don't communicate. I wish I knew what he was thinking, but only because I worry about my H and how he is dealing. I read posts from people who both spouses are working on the marriage, and the rough time they have gives me vey little hope that H and I have what it takes.

There is a part of me that thinks, based on our last long separation, that he is just laying low until this all blows over. Then we can reconcile and put all this nastiness behind us. But, that will not happen, I need to understand this and I need to know that he understands why I have done things.

But that is all in my head, there is no indication he wants this family. Again, I would love some truth some day, but that is not likely either. He told me once that he could not be with me if he was going to have to be wrong about his A.

I am trying to start thinking about the holidays (maybe a little late!) and trying to think of some new traditions for me and the girls. We got rid of our old artificial tree last year, so a new tree will be required. During our previous years separated, H and I always shopped and spent Christmas AM together with the kids. I just wonder how we will spend this Christmas. But, there is no telling where we will all be in a month. So I will just focus on what we can do, gingerbread house, community service, girl scout activities etc.

Hi Jean,

Well it looks like you are headed for divorce court....huh?

Have you looked into Legal Aide? Legal Aide has a program here in NY, where they literally have divorce classes and help you to fill out the paperwork and go through the process. I wonder if they have that in your state.

Huggs to you and the girls.

Lady

Ladysheep,
I am getting pretty close to wanting the divorce. He has been out of the house for two months almost. Nothing is moving in any direction. I could sit here and pine forever, but that would be delusional on my part. I want to be wanted and I am not sure that I would ever trust that we wants me.

I am not sure what his status is on filing. He asked me for info early last week, but he hasn't asked since. There is no reason for him to file except for thinking that will protect OW somehow. It will cost him more $ if he files, as he is not currently paying what he keeps saying he is offering.

But I am still mourning and maybe still have a little hope. We came so close to D before, but it always was prompted by his then GF. I doubt that now OW can call many shots as she is M too. But I am having to seriously look at whether I have enough respect for him to ever consider another reconciliation.

He told me after D-day that I held him up to a higher standard than I should have, that I had him on some moral pedestal. He is probably right. I always respected his dedication to his family, and more so, as he came from such a rough childhood.

If I had it all to do differently, I would have not said a word on D-Day ( I found the text messages ) until after I had found MBs. I found MB, I guess two weeks after D-Day, but I recognized it from when I was trying to stop my WSing ways. My first post here as a BS was about not being able to handle the truth when he defended his feelings about OW. Hearing him talk about "their connection", yuck. But, like I have said, he acted like he was denied parole when I was willing to work it out. I really think we didn't stand a chance, and still don't until he can deal with some of his own stuff.

And no one who knows him disagrees. I do wish him well, but I just can't let him drag us all down with him. I really hope he finds what he needs. And it will kill me to see him happy with someone else, I do not believe that will be OW. But it will kill me to see him go through his life all screwed up. I love him and this just stinks.

And I know it won't kill me, it will teach me something either way. When is this class over??

Jean, I see....you are still in limbo in so many ways. Such a difficult place to be. But as WH doesn't seem to be showing any signs of return, it is still early, 2 months.




If you are unsure of D....what about LS?

Lady

From everything that I have been told and have read, there is no point in LS. We can file the D then sit on it for up to a year.

That local attorney just called, I spoke to his asst. She said an uncontested D where everything is agreed on will be 1K, a contested will need a 5K retainer! I was doing good coming up with a 1500 retainer for the other attorney, there is no way I can come up with 5K.

She also said I should file first, for me to just stall him on compiling the info he needs to file. He could file and leave alot of blanks, but he doesn't know the kids SSN#, he does not have any financial info, all he knows is the address of our home. I guess that is one advantage to him always acting like a child-he doesn't do grown up very well. (that didn't sound very respectful did it).

Jean,

Just letting you know I am thinking about you.

Hurting

Thanks Hurting,

I really wish that we could just sit down and agree on everything. There is just really not enough to fight about. Basically, how long will pay spousal support. I guess that is what we are stuck on.

His income question is interesting also. His bank statements reflect that he is depositing more than he reports. I guess OWH's gives him alot of extra work. Did I tell ya'll that. OWH is giving my H extra work on the side, maybe to supplement his income since my H spends so much wining and dining OW.

Warped, I tell you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Jean,

Wow, divorces are extremely expensive. Do you feel it would be "contested?" Therefore your needing 5K? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Nope, not until now!! FLASHING RED FLAGS OF CORRUPTION! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

(Prayers headed to the throne of God for you!!!)

Lady

I do not think we will agree on the terms for alimony. Unless, I know that what he is offering is the best deal I can get.

I want to call him and see where he is in this process. I wish he would just go ahead and file, let me see in writing what he is proposing. I wish I could call his sister and see what he said this weekend. I might do that, but there will be fall out, but maybe that would get him to do something.

I just want something to happen, but I have to be careful what I wish for. There are all sorts of crappy things that could happen. Right now, we are just out of sight-out of mind, for him.

Jean,

I know the out of sight out of mind thing for sure.... Sure wish my mind could work that.... With him being outta sight for so long, it still weighs on my mind way to much....

I am like you I just want to know something , anything...

Living in limbo is he$$.....

All we can do if keep moving forward and take it day by day.... Take care and keep praying.....

Hurting

Yeah Ladysheep, he told me that a couple of weeks ago. OWH's has given him more work to do around the business.

My feeling is, I need to be invited to the next pow wow with OW, OWH and my WH. Let me get in on whatever their scheme is so me and my kids can benefit too.

But, I need to just get out of this, legally, emotionally and safely.

Yeah...right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Sad to say....but yes you do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lady

The more you learn the smellier it gets (smellier....is that even a word?!?!?!? )

Go and protect yourself financially. Make copies of those bank statements so that you can report his higher income. Sounds like cash under the table and if that comes to light c/b more trouble for OW's H and the Ws. Uncle Sam doesn't take too kindly to $$ under the table. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.