jean,

I know how you feel. Even though I only did LS paperwork I felt like crap when I did it.

It felt like the beginning of the end. But you and i both know we had to do it to hold them resposible for their actions and disrespect.

I cried for 2 days after I did it. It broke my heart to think I had to go that far. But I had no choice he decided to withdrawl all support.

So with that said I just want you to know I had the same feelings and yes it hurts but it is the right thing to do.

I am thinking about you, your in my prayers. Just rememeber we have to make them responsible people. They have to have the consequenses of their actions shown to them.


Take Care ((((Jean)))))


Hurting

Hi Jean,

We Got Birds too!!!....cockatiels...Ditto, Tweety, and Bird.

Ditto and Tweety came from a home of divorce about 7 yrs ago...wife cheated, and left, and the H didn't want to take care of them by himself. We got his dog too!

And Bird...He came from one of my sons school teachers.
He was all by himself for years, now he's not lonely anymore.

I love thier early morning songs...

As much as I'm sorry to hear you filed....it was the best thing to do Jean. So you will have a court date set soon right?

Huggs to you and the children, may God comfort and provide all you need.

Love,
Lady

Thanks Lady and Hurting,

I guess there will be something to do before the papers are filed. I just dropped off the info packet and the retainer check. The attorney will call back tomorrow and we will set up appt ( I guess ) to check all the i's and t's before we file. I don't know, I have never done this before.

Jean,

They will type it all up and have you come in a read it to make sure all the info is correct. If so then you will sign it and then its filed.

They should give you an idea of when he will be served. Hopefully the won't have a hard time doing it. I hope for your sake it goes smooth and nothing like mine.

Keep yuor chin up Jean... I know its hard

Hurting

Jean -

Feeling guilty/crappy about filing seems quite normal to me. I don't know why, but I have been thinking about that....We still love the WH and don't want to hurt them. Doesn't that suck??? That we still think about how this might effect the WH??

I could be reading into this the wrong way. I could also see feeling crappy b/c you feel like something is coming to an end....

You are doing good though Jean.

Kim

I feel crappy for all those reasons. This A didn't have to end our marriage. His refusal to come home is causing technical dificulties though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I just keep thinking that there is hope for the marriage as long as I lower my standards and wait it out and continue too sell stuff to accomodate his financial irresponsibility - and I just can't continue to do that.

I really just want honesty at some point, a nice exit interview where he would tell me exactly how I failed. But the only reason I want that, is so he would see that I am not Satan personified and he would want to come home.

Decent to good day today. OD had a therapy appt which she did not want to go to (her 2nd visit) and it turned out well, much better than she expected. She actually apologized to me for throwing a fit about it when it didn't turn out bad.

The law office called to see what I wanted to do. They will prepare the initial papers for filing, should be the end of the week. I will not be able to get the temp support hearing until after Thanksgiving. I am shocked at the prospect of acutually having to sit in a courtroom with my H. I feel sorry for him for doing this to him-but that is that whiny codependant person I am internally fighting.

The only real question is whether to have him served at the motel, or call him and ask him to go pick up the papers.

He was supposed to pick up the kids for dinner tonight if his schedule allowed. I have not heard from him, so I will assume he is a no-show. I am very glad that I didn't mention to the children that he might be getting them for dinner. I have adapted the policy that I don't tell them anything until he pulls in the driveway.

A light fixture fell out of the ceiling in the bathroom while my 6yo was on the toilet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Luckily, it did not knock her in the head, it just scared us all. The cat and the birds are getting along well.

Life is OK today.

Nothing new to report. I do realize that my emotional feeling of well being on a daily basis seems to be a direct result of my children's feeling of emotional well being. If they have a good day-I have a good day.

Yesterday was an OK day. They opened a new Goodwill Store so we went there and bought a few toys and knick knacks. We do love thrift stores!

Last night, OD told me that she thinks her smart aleck mouth is the reason Daddy left <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. So I quickly called a family meeting on Mommy's bed. I asked the girls if they understood why Daddy left, YD said "because of OW". Then YD told OD that Daddy didn't leave because OD is a smart mouth, that OD is being a smart mouth because Daddy left.

OD (8yo) is having such a hard time, but YD (6yo) really does seem to be handling pretty well. Not in a foggy delusional way, but in a very reality grounded sorta way. She is pretty much seeing it for what it is, and is able to deal with that. We will be seeing the counselor weekly for awhile, but she will spend most of her time with OD.

OD then started drawing pictures, turning the letters of OW's name into different devilish pictures. This is probably not healthy, but I didn't discourage it. I would rather her feel poorly about OW than to think that she (od) is the cause of the break up of our marriage.

I do feel the need to protect the relationship between kids and Dad, but I just can't try to paint a pretty picture of OW right now. Even though they may have to deal with her at some point. But, if someone has to be the bad guy in their eyes, I am OK with letting her be the fall guy. I feel unsure about this, but they need some concrete reason for all this crap. I don't encourage talks about OW, I just try to answer their questions.

As far as OW goes, WH maintains that they are not in contact, still in "emotional cooling off period" but that he wants the D no matter what. This has softened my edges about naming her in the D, and requesting that she not be around the kids untl she is divorced also-almost softened me. But, I think that is exactly why they are cooling it off, so I am not going to fall for it. If the A is over, there should be no trouble with her not being around the kids. If the A is continuing, or will be picked back up-he cannot parade a married woman around as his GF to the children. They just don't want her named in the papers under any circumstances, oh well.

We have been battling a bit of a stomach bug around here, but YD's tonsils or starting to return to normal-so all is good.

Jean,

Good to hear from you. Hm.... makes me mad at the WS for how hurt you and your children are feeling. Very angry!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> .....arrrrrrrgh.

Ask your daughter if it is ok to give 'some' or copies of those pictures to their dad. It is her way of communicating. At 6 years old, my son wrote a 4 sentence letter to his father. Son said he wanted to write a letter to his dad because he was too embarressed to talk to him. Son said he was embaressed but when we discussed it out, he really meant he was disappointed in his dad and didn't want to 'embaress' his dad by telling him off, so he choose to write a letter. Those 4 sentences (2 statements and 2 questions) hit right through the fog. Didn't knock the WS off his rock but sure made a big dent. WS kept that letter and when he came home, that letter was among his posessions. It resides in the top drawer of his dresser.

JMHO,
L.

Oddly, the kids won't draw any feelings stuff on paper, they will only use the magna doodle that can be erased instantly. My 6yo did write a poem for her dad: "remember how we used to play, why did you have to go away?". Od won't write or draw anything on paper. And she won't talk to her dad about this because she says she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

The counselor asked 8yo to draw a picture of her family, it was the four of us playing board games together. The counselor also had her draw a color coded heart, with different colors representing the different emotions. It was a heart full of sadness and anger. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The counselor did ask if I thought WH would come in at some point and let OD share her feelings in a safe place with him. Sadly, I just can't talk to him about that right now. Several weeks ago when I called to talk about the girls feelings, he said "I just don't need you calling me trying to make me feel guilty".

So there is no coparenting going on. He spends the weekends with the kids, they don't seem to enjoy it much and he said that their time together is very strained and awkward.

It is just a sad situation. I wish there was a kids and divorce forum here.

Good to hear from you Orchid

OK, now I am ready to sell the house and move away.

The cat just caught a mouse. I really, really hate mice!

Yes, I am glad the cat is growing into a good mouser, but I really really hate mice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I think that's a great suggestion if you could get her to do that on actual paper.....I still haven't told my DS the truth about why Daddy is gone. I am struggling with that. DS has not been exposed to OW(as far as I know). DS doesn't really as questions at all about his Daddy being gone. He seems perfectly happy the way things are --he is a very happy-go-lucky kid anyway.

So, Orchid & Jean, exactly what do you say to a 6 year old??

Jean, I'm glad that at least you've got that cat!!!

Sounds like the therapy for your daughter is going to be so helpful. & don't soften up!!!! Name OW in those papers!!!

Kim

Kim,
I don't know what to tell you about telling your son the truth. In my case, I was not the one that spilled the beans, it came as a shock to me. The kids were with their dad, I had called to say hi. My 6yo gets on the phone and asks me "Why won't you let us meet Daddy's new friend?"

Wh grabbed the phone and started apologizing blah blah blah. So when they got home the next day, I explained that this was not a friend friend, but a girlfriend. That the rules of marriage where being broken and that is why Mommy and Daddy weren't together right now.

I really didn't want them to know, but actually, it has made it easier. They understand this better than some vague "daddy thinks he can be happier without mommy" crap.

I have talked to two members of my family who are both counselors about the kids' feelings toward OW. OD really wants someone to blame for all this, I worry about that, but they both said that is it OK for OD to have this anger towards OW right now (even though they have never met and hopefully never will). I do worry that if OW ever is part of their lives, how OD will deal with that, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

As far as the drawings, I really could not hand WH drawings that depicted OD's negative feelings. He would see it as vindictive, manipulative, guilt inducing and what not. Hopefully the therapists will help with that when the time is right.

WH came and picked up the kids last night. I was nauseated for the hour surrounding his arrival. He said the girls could bring some computer games as he has a computer for then to play on now. I love this part of the game, listening about the new toys Daddy has while we stay broke.

We didn't talk, I just can't look him in the eye anymore. He wished me a good night and they left.

I hope indifference to him comes soon. I hate letting him have any access to my heart. I just keep reminding myself that I was in love with the man he was for the past year, and he clearly said that he had been lying for the year. I was in love with an illusion.

{{{{{Jean}}}}}

You were in love with your H. I am so sorry you are feeling badly right now. And it's getting to the point where it is making you sick.

Like you said, if your H passed away it would take you quite some time to get over that. You have been hurt in a way that not many people can understand. You trusted this person with your heart....

You will make it through the hurt.

MAJOR HUGS ARE COMING YOUR WAY.

Kim

Kim,

Try to think of this from your child's perspective. Oftan a parent fails t/d so in these cases. Here are my thoughts.

1. Your children had 2 parents. Now they have 1 stable and one WS parent.

2. Depending on the R with each parent and child, the child has had to either strengthen or weaken the R with each parent.

3. Each parent is still their parent despite their increated or decreased meeting of the child's needs/responsibilities.

4. Because children are in the 'growing t/b adults' stage, they try to reason with what knowledge they have to understand the changes they see and feel around them.

5. Those changes in their parents c/b felt and seen as: behavorial changes, attitude/emoitional/mental changes, financial, spiritual, residency (places to live, 2 homes, homeless, etc.), introduction to strange people (OP and their families, friends of the A, etc.), OP's children, etc.

NOTE: The above are generally what are children see, hear and feels WITHOUT the BS saying anything. Now add 1 more item:

6. OP and the OP family exposure along with the warped WS c/b filling the children's head with all sorts of data and sometimes with bribes, intimidations and threats (i.e.: don't tell your mom, u want some.... candy, etc.). Don't we teach our children to stay away from strangers? Hm..... yet look at what some WS have done to their own children (introduced and even let the strange OP babysit the children). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

As you reflect on the items above, note that these are what your children c/b already going through.

If you were a child with that kind of 'exposure' not once but having this happen in your life at different intervals, strengths and degrees......how would you feel? Wouldn't you want some answers?

I told my child. At the time, he was 6 years old. I reassured him that both his parents loved him but that daddy CHOOSE NOT to live with his family. Son could immediately see that was not a good choice and told me so. I agreed and used his logic to help him understand that even adults make 'bad' choices and when that happens sometimes it is hard for others (like the family). Again provided reassurance that mom would not leave but that we were a team. The reassurances included giving him permission to speak his feelings to others but asked that he inform me of who. I also told him there is a right time, place and person to speak these things to. I informed his teacher, front office (at the school), his day care, etc.. We had periodic talks , I left it mostly for him to come to me but would check up with him at least once a week. He became comfortable in sharing his feelings. In fact the night he asked to write that letter to his dad was something he did on his own. I remember I was sitting at the dining room table, doing some work and he was on the couch when he blurted out his request. It was a shocker.

His letter went something like:

Dear Dad,
Why do you want to divorce mom? Why did you leave us. I love you dad. I miss you.

Love,
Son

IMHO, telling your child is not hurting them. It is helping them understand what they are already feeling and seeing. It answers some of their questions and helps them remove any guilt they maybe feeling. To NOT tell the children c/b prolonging their internal pain.

To date, my son no longer has full recollection of what happened. Though at times, he does recall some of the pain but not in depth. For this, I am grateful.

JMHO,
L.

Jean - sorry for the threadjack....

Orchid - I printed that out so I could read and reflect on what you have shared. Thank you very much!

Kim

Thanks Orchid for that enlightening post. I do think that the truth is less confusing than the vague. Even though my OD knows the truth, she still has doubts that some way she is responsible. But I guess she gets that from me. We have talked about the out of control feelings, not getting a vote in our lives etc. If we feel responsible than we should be able to change the situation and get some of our power back.

I am glad I have DD's, I think explaining a WH to a son would be harder, or at least I would obsess about it enough to make it harder! I do want to be a positive role model to the girls, show them that we will pull ourselves up and thrive.

I did make sure that they understood that the previous separation wan due to Mommy breaking the rules. I want to take responsibility where ever I can. But I think that might have given them false hope for another reconciliation.

The hardest thing I think, for them, is the speed at which things changed. We were literally hugging and kissing one week, and the next week, he moved out and their time with him changed drastically. The previous separation was such a long, gradual thing. We shared the house on a AM/PM schedule for a year, then we stopped that but they still talked to their dad almost daily and saw him more than when we were together.

Sometimes, it helps to remind them of that when they miss their dad. I just say, but remember, he wasn't home very much anyway, and they say "oh, you're right" and go on about their merry way. As merry as they can muster anyway.

((Kim)) and ((Orchid)), I hope you both have a great weekend!

I am really trying to fight a crappy mood today.

I spent the day at a religious assembly thing with a friend (a new church experience for me) and I became very weepy while there. Seeing all the husbands, leading their families up the steep stairs, men being the spiritual protectors of the families, it just made me realize what I want from a H.

I came home to an empty house, later, I called the girls at their dad's. My 8yo slipped off in the bathroom to ask me if she could come home tonight, she didn't sleep well and wants to be home in her bed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I hate this for my children, I hate this for my H. Somewhere, deep inside, this has got to bother him, that OD doesn't enjoy their time together. He said they both wanted to come home early tomorrow. I fear that H and OD are just going to grow further and further apart. She goes to the counselor Monday, so the weekend will be fresh on her mind. Maybe she can talk to the counselor about it and we can come up with a plan.

jean

i remember wanting so badly to be with my dad and hating that the only way i could be with him was to be with his girlfriend and her kids

the times he and i spent alone together were what mattered to me and in the end...he and i were still very close

the OW and her children (even thier daughter together) were never as close as he and i were

i can work out for your daughter but your H is going to have to work hard to make her feel special to him