I might have to pull my lyric ideas out of the recesses of my brain, but if I can remember them, I'll let you know!

I had a decent time at the big dinner. We ate a ton and then played cards for hours and hours. Not much talk about WH, just one member of the extended family and I talked about him briefly. And she did seem to feel like WH has such a deep seated 'loose screw' and this really has nothing to do with me at all. This is the family that has known WH since he was 12 years old and know all about his really sad childhood.

So I guess the paperwork should be ready this coming week. I think I will write one more letter, just making it clear that there is a way home if he is the man he acted like he was for the past year. (Well the year before the A started anyway)

There is a part of me that wishes I could just jump back in and try to sneak in more plan Aing, but our contact is almost nonexistant. He doesn't come in the house, we only speak briefly on the phone to see when he is getting the girls. We may speak for a minute or two during the swap.

I don't think he associates interacting with me in a negative light anymore. Honestly, I would guess that he has dug himself such a deep hole, he just can't get out. Or maybe he really his thrilled to be out of the house and just can't wait to move on with his life.

But, I am comfortable divorcing this WS. I love my H, but if this is who he is now, I can be done. I would like to write and let him know how sincerely I did love my H, I do not want to be friends with the WH. Maybe I will soften up a bit with time, but I don't want to spend holidays with him and the kids and our future mates. I really don't like who is is right now, and I just don't see me being able to act like he did not try to rip my heart out.

I guess I am to the point where the road to divorce looks more conducive to my long term goals than does the road to recovery. I know I can do the work needed, but I don't think I could live with him NOT doing the work needed.

And me thinking all this seems silly since he has given no indication whatsoever that he wishes things were different. So it is just me pulling out my thoughts, petting them, grooming them, letting them run in the hamster wheel, then I pack them up for a few hours and start it all over again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So I will work on my letter, I will call him before I sign the papers to file. I think I can say that I did what I was comfortable with to save the M. Like I have said before, I could lower my standards for happiness (which were already unbelievably low - even my H said that) and I could live alone, celibate and broke while waiting for him... But that is not healthy for me or my children.

I still don't feel like I am throwing in the towel, I don't feel anymore, like I am gving up on anything. I think I am just dealing with the hand I have been dealt. If he died, I would have to turn in the death certificate to the life insurance company. Not doing that would not make him come to life. This just feels the same to me. Me not doing anything to move forward is not changing the past.

I am really not afraid that the divorce paperwork will push him away - he couldn't get further away. All he would have to do is ask me to stop, and I would stop and hear what he has to say. When I was the WS, all I wanted was for him to ask me to stop, just say it out loud one time "Stop please, I love you" - he never did that. When he wanted to leave, I did everything short of duct taping him to the couch (that is OD's idea of how to solve this problem).

Maybe my heart and my brain are feeling in sync today.

Hi Jean -

You sound very peaceful this morning. Even though things are NOT, you sound like you have come to terms with everything. I am sorry that things are not turning out differently, but you have to take care of YOU and your DD's. No matter what, you KNOW that you have done everything that you could to save the M. What is good for one person in saving an M might not be good for the next person.

He will wake up one day. Just doesn't sound like it will be soon enough. I am beginning to feel that way in my own sitch too. I don't think I will be waiting around much longer. We have to take care of us and our children.

Kim

WH and I talked on the phone for about an hour, well, I talked and he didn't hang up. The kids came home and said some questionable things, and I just felt the urge to have him stomp my heart to bits, so I called him.

I have never heard someone who is so dead. He is just a shell of himself. I did let him know that I loved who he had portrayed himself to be, that the affair didn't have to end our marriage, but I was filing papers for financial protection. I said a lot if stuff, he said little to nothing. Basically, he doesn't know what he wants, he just knows it is not this life with me.

So, I got my booster shot of heart stumpage. I hope the papers are ready this week. He said he would pick them up, he also said he would not contest the adultery charge. But he still denies a PA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I asked him to try to tell me sometime in the future where my failure as a wife was, I figured when you get fired, they usually give you a reason.

I really, really think that I will be able to thank him for this mess someday. I really believe that there is something a lot better for me in the future.

There is almost a relief in making that phone call one more time. Like having that infected tooth pulled, it hurts but know the healing can start.

I do feel like it is ego and pride keeping him away - but I have tried to make it clear to him that he doesn't have to eat crap sandwiches, all he has to do is tell me what he needs.

I feel OK, another bulldozer to my house of delusional hope. And when the ground is completely cleared, I can build a wonderful cottage with flowers and have a dog and a pond and herb gardens and OD's pot bellied pig <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Jean:

You'll have to someday work out for yourself why it is that you would deliberately seek out this "heart stomapge" as you put it. Your still "stabbing in the dark" and waiting for a "lightbulb" moment.

When you do things like you did above, you are actually setting yourself back. Yes, the initial feeling may be of "retribution", but in the end, you just put another stake in your heart...and the sad thing is, you did it willingly. Somehwere, in the recesses of your subconscious, your lowered self esteem thinks that a "heart stompage" is better than nothing at all from him.

You made NO progress by doing this, but actually just gave him more reasons to stay away.

This isn't about pride and ego......this is about "14 out of 15"...and I'll leave it at that.

You know that I am in your corner, and would love to have the head of your wayward on a silver platter.

Lem

You made me laugh Lemon. Yes, it is about 14 out of 15, but man, that one was really good!

My sister and my best friend are both counselors and they do a pretty good job of helping me examine my motives (best friend better than sister, she knows WH too well and doesn' understand why I am still having any warm fuzzies for him)
But I didn't examine motives before I made the call. I didn't want to, I just wanted to let'er rip.

I needed to do this one more time before I file, it was just something that I needed. I do not want to file if I am holding out any hope. And now, I can file with a clear heart and mind.

In a way, I consider myself lucky to have been blessed with a WH who did not cake eat, play games or ride the fence. He left and has no intentions of coming back, I have just been cursed with a thick skull.

I am smiling, I feel free, there is no more doubt. He is truly a selfish jacka$$ who has wasted enough of my time. I spent the two year separation maintaining my love and loyalty for him, I have this need to get stomped until that is gone. Let go or get dragged, cut the anchor, etc

I am getting there and I can't wait.

And if I just ensured that he will stay gone - good. I don't need the confusion of a lightbulb in his head. The lightbulb is burning clearly for me.

Jean....

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jean}}}}}}}}}}}}

Here is a hug for you....I am always sadned when I read your post......I don't mean to get you down (besides I don't think I really can!).......just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.......I was thinking of you as I set with my H and tried to reach out to him......why did I do this again????

Daisy

Jean:

I don't think anyone could begrudge you for filing for divorce, even the most delusional kool-aid drinking sunshiners here.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> However, I have to be honest with you girl, after having followed your story...I am failing to understand what it is that you got out of this "heart stomping" with your cheater that finally gave you a clear heart and mind...I don't get it honestly. I fail to see how anything changed for you here.....perhaps it was just a "lightbulb" moment....I am a little slow and have always gotten things a few minutes later than most others, so perhaps I will understand later tonight.

Either way, goodluck.

For the record, I think you are going to have better times down the road. When you finally realize how much this great life has to offer, you will see light where this is now dark.

It will all be good in the end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

P.S. I still would like to have an "off the record" consult with your WH and Kim's WH.....it would be beneficial to all...especially, the National Organ Donation Society.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If I get a donor organ from a cheater, does that make me a cheater, too?

I don't know Lemon. I did the same thing when I left him.

I am heading towards the door, see, my bags are packed, the car is warming up, I've opened the door, here I go...

I saw three counselors, two preachers and talked to every family member I had, I really tried to avoid the wayward path. I guess that is why I am doing this. I figure I deserve it since I am a FWW. I think my guilt and shame has affected my ability to think rationally.

That is probably most of it, trying to be loyal and repentant and doing what was not done before.

Even my most religious friends are baffled by my behavior and I don't claim to be very religious. I guess I am just trying to right a wrong.

But, I think this needs to be between me my Higher Power, I cannot look to WH to give me the peace I need. I screwed up, I tried to make it right. But this one is not my wrong to correct and I do not believe it is a by product of my A. This thing stands alone on its own merit.

That is why I sign up for stompage.

Hey, does that include a heart transplant? A organ from a WS? Hm.... wonder what the card should say?

"Warning: This donor has been previously infected by the A virus. No cure has been found. As a result, there is no guarantee that the recipient will not be infected. You are taking this organ at your own risk......"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I am just replaying some of the conversation between WH and I last night.

He was angry that I had looked at his bank statements. He told me earlier that I could ensure the mortgage was paid via the bank statements. So, of course I checked and noted some questionable charges. One was a cool restaurant that we had wanted to take the kids to. So I had asked the kids if they had been to that cool restaurant. Well, they hadn't, he had taken OW. I never said anything else about it, it is not that big of a deal. But the kids told WH I had asked and that bothered him.

Yes it is irritating the stuff that he does with OW. They go to the park during the day (or they used to when he lived here), he hasn't taken the girls to the park in forever. It just seems that he could take the mistress to grown up places, she is very young though. Maybe he gets his daddy fix through her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And I am so intriqued by his consistant denial of a PA. He would actually sign an adultery divorce, but will not admit to a PA. That is just screwy. There is something so off in his mind. The EA vs PA really has no bearing on anything emotionally for me. I can't fanthom that he hasn't banged her yet, his denial is just so interesting.

And he did reveal that they are done with their emotional coolig off period. They are not seeing each other, just talking and TMing. That TMing is interesting. I can't stand TMing, I hate trying to type into the phone. I am not sure how you build a relationship on 3-4 line blurbs. But, I hope that pans out for him.

Again, I am just pulling out my mental hamsters for their little useless wheel exercises.

The weather should be a little warmish today (60 degrees), so I guess I should decorate the porch today. The rest of the week will be cold. I hate to go into the attic, I hate the thought of running into a mouse. I have also realized I have no way to get a real tree home. I will have to ask my BIL to tote one home for us. But Christmas is one of those realities that I can't avoid. I have never been big on Christmas, but I do think we should really go wild with the decorations, just to do something different.

Last night was our typical Sunday, he brought the kids home and OD cried and fussed for over three hours. She is just so mad. WH did say he would go to counseling with her. I think last night was bad because she was still holding out some hope. But when they talked Saturday, WH just kept saying to OD "This is my home now, this is my life now". OD didn't want to talk about what he had said, so YD filled me in. He did tell the kids he didn't leave because of OW, he just wanted something different.

I have got to change the Sunday plan. Maybe he can meet me at McDonalds or something. This coming home and crying for hours just wears us all out. They stay up late on Saturday, they had pudding for dinner, and when they come home Sunday, they are fried.

Oh well , enough rambling.

Jean,

I think you contacted WH to see where his heart is at.. the last minute. Testing him. I don't blame you for that. Filing for divorce is a big step that you have to be sure of. I think you got your answer, helping you better to make that big step.

Sad to say...he is still as delusioanal as ever before.

Huggs,
Lady

Thanks Lady,

I really feel OK, almost good, except I don't want to go up in the attic so I am getting nothing done.

I wonder how long it will take before I stop wondering and dissecting and trying to make sense of it all. Probably based on my hamster wheels, I could spend years trying to figure out what in the world happened. And honestly, there is nothing that he could say that would work for me. He tells me he lied for a year, tells me I did nothing wrong, tells me it is not about OW, tells me it is because I am too eclectic or weird (depending on how tactful he tries to be) etc etc etc. There is nothing he could say that would make sense in my head.

So I have to let go of this need to understand. It is what it is, whatever that is. Two weeks before he left, he said he loved me, he wanted our family, and said that I was the only woman who could make him sing in bed (literally sing). Two weeks later, it was "you stupid psycho, get the bleep out of my house!" How does that happen?

Oh well, I learned alot from the past year. I have learned an enormous amount about what I want, what I have to give and never to assume anything. I know where I am willing to compromise and where my boundaries are.

I do believe that I am going to be better off. As soon as I let go of this drive to get answers. For now, the answer is that I am better off. This is a blessing, no matter how it came to be, I am actually grateful for this.

I wonder how long it will take before I stop wondering and dissecting and trying to make sense of it all. Probably based on my hamster wheels, I could spend years trying to figure out what in the world happened.
Jean, it's hard to make sense out of something that is just senseless. Let the wheels stop turning, they will only drive you crazy!

It's impossible to get love from someone who doesn't have love to give...sad to say, but true. Some people are just loveless.

And what some people call love, really isn't love at all.

God is love.
And those who know God, know love and have love. Those that do not know God do not know love.

Some are only doing what is right in thier "own" eyes.

I have faith you will make it Jean. The hurts will be healed in time.

Lady

Well 'wanting something different' sure doesn't make anyone feel better. What was he thinking? Oh yea, Ws' don't think. Stupid father. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

The message he gave his children was he would choose to leave his family for any reason. OW was just convenient.

He thinks his daughters are stupid enough to fall for that line? What a bunch of crock!

I would certianly let him know that if he forgot, your daughters are quite perceptive and smart. Therefore, when their father babbles stupid lines like that they are quick to catch on that their father is off the deep end.

Now he is making it hard for them to respect him.

I certainly would break plan B to give him that message.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,
I am not in plan B, going into plan B when he has absolutely no warmth for me at all seems unproductive. But we do not communicate hardly at all. I did call him Sunday night and talked for a long time, starting out with just what you said. That he is causing the children so much pain with what he is telling them, they are really starting to not believe a word he says and could he try to understand how they perceive his actions and words.

He did say they he would be willing to go to the counselor with OD, so I will let the therapist know tomorrow.

I had considered giving him a plan B letter with the D papers. But I a not in that much discomfort. He also told the kids that he does not come see them often becuse he doesn't want to deal with me. I did ask about that as we do not interact at all. I greet the kids on the sidewalk and escort them in, I usually do not speak to him at all. He did ask why I am so short with him, I said it is because I love him and he is ripping my heart out. But It hurts so much less now, and after speaking to him Sunday, it all feels pretty dead to me.

I ws remembering something he said the week after D-day. He said "I can't live with you if I a going to have to be wrong about this A" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I think that pretty much sums it up.

I was married for 18 years. My stbhx told me "it took me 18 years to figure I out I don't like your personality". Nice one.

You're not alone in this constant brain analyzing "what happened ? ? ?" thing. I do it too often!

My counselor finally summed it up for me. "You adapted to your husband's selfishness until he crossed a line that went too far". It really made sense. I tolerated too much for too long until finally I broke. Or saw the light.

Bottom line, as much as we would take our old life back in a heart beat doesn't mean we should. The relationships we had weren't meeting OUR NEEDS. We thought we were doing the right thing accepting less to keep our families together. Maybe I shouldn't speak for you. Change all the We's to I.

When I read your tread I see myself. I feel how you feel. It's been a really hard thing for me to go through. And it's not over yet.

Dinky

You are right Dinky, that does sound like something my WH would say.

I read a line this AM about the assumptions and facts of infidelity. It was saying that people assume the WS was not getting enough from the M, but the fact may be, they weren't giving enough to the M. So they were never invested in it. That made sense to me. For 15 years, people have commented on how easy my WH had it. I can't think of anything that he ever had to compromise on or sacrifice for the sake of the family. I trained him well to have his sense of entitlement. Since he was the sole bread winner, I did my best to treat him like a king, I was a great little stepford wife.

We are not rolling in dough, but anything he wanted, he bought. Always had the new toys, he had no concept of self discipline. So it makes sense, when he met OW, nothing in his brain registered that he was not entitled to have what he wanted.

That is why he said he left. Two weeks after D-day, I expressed some hurt and anger to the MC, he realized that I was not "over it" yet and he was not going to live with this hanging over his head forever. (Forever - I get that, but two weeks when you have been covering for her and lying the whole time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )

It is just the need to make new habits. To train myself to stop accomodating him. My sister and I were talking about how two people decide which restaurant to eat at. I always wanted WH to decide, because if he wasn't happy with the choice, he would make the meal miserable.

I have to figure out what I want without thinking about how it fits into WH's life. And that is the habit I need to work on.

What you said about the R's never meeting our needs was right. I always have gotten my friendships from people who like me, never from WH. The thought of being in a R with someone who enjoys my company is scary but thrilling. WH were a good team on alot of things, we agreed about the kids and we stayed out of each others hair well, and the SF was great (for the past year). But he doesn't know me, nor does he like me, he just wants me to stay out of his hair like I have been trained so well to do.

I guess that is why he is PO'd with me. I let him do whatever he wanted in the M, but in the D, I am not accomodating him (as much) and that messes up his little narcissitic world.

Well, I got the call from the lawyer, the papers are ready. I will go over them and make sure they are in order. They did not include the temp parenting plan and that needs to be there IMO. The asst said she would get that together based on th schedule he has maintained since leaving.

The girls were talking about their weekend. They said that dad said he really was very happy but he didn't want to show it in front of them because he knew they were miserable. Either he has lost his freaking mind for saying something like that, or their kid filter is working really oddly.

They said that dad said he really was very happy but he didn't want to show it in front of them because he knew they were miserable. Either he has lost his freaking mind for saying something like that, or their kid filter is working really oddly.

Oh Jean...Yikes....UGH!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Don't try to make sense out of the insanity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's good that the girls are talking to you about it... as hard as it is to hear.


Lady