I am all for the switch cars idea! Then maybe the heat would get fixed.....

I should, but I am scared, he would be so irate. I am better off just letting him continue his behavior and then letting the judge know.

The girls said he has internet now on his new laptop at the motel. I will call and see if he will give my an email addy so we can communicate via email. That way, I will have a written account of his actions.

I was talking to a friend, exporing my options and motivations. My motive is to make him feel shame (the cash is secondary, I can work it out without his help). So if shame is my motive, there is no point in doing anything. I can not make him feel shame.

It is just odd to me, he did not want to persue the D early on since he wanted to "be better situated". Time is ticking away and he just puts himself in worse shape with every passing day.

I called WH and asked about the email addy. I reminded him about the car, he started whining about money. I asked him about Christmas and he whined some more about money. He is just out there working his little tookus off trying to make $$ to support his family and his wayward lifestyle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

It is starting to sound like he needs to move out of the motel and find him a nice cardboard box to call home.

It is starting to sound like he needs to move out of the motel and find him a nice cardboard box to call home.

Thats right because family comes first!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Lady

I just have this strange calm about me. My children, most likely, will lose their home. Everything about our lives will be changing in the next few months. All so my WH can carry on a text messaging affair with a married woman who doesn't speak English very well and apparently won't let him get past third base. He is like a 12 year boy...

When cleaning filing cabinets today, I found a letter he had written to GF from our separation before. It was sad for me to read it, it was very lovey dovey. But, this realization of how immature he is, it is all about the dopamine and brain chemistry.

Now, I am all for a nice shot of dopamine here and there. But taxes, mortgages and chicken pox sometimes take their spot.

It is just so interesting to me. During our ten year term, our SF was very unsatisfying and we never talked - so I left. During the 1 year, the SF was great and we spent time every day just talking and being together - and he left. And he left to be with a woman who won't put out and doesn't speak English. He told someone after I left, that he was very content in the M and could have stayed married like that forever. I guess all the talking and cuddling and sex just got to be too much for him.

He is doing me a favor, he is doing me a favor - he wants to be a 12 year old boy with his Xbox and his cute little crush.

Well, I guess the good conversation and SF was just too much for him!!!

When I first found out about my WH's A he told me that it was like he was in high school & had his first crush.

WH just turned 40 in July. Can you say "mid-life crisis'?

So, the guys want to go back & pretend they are young again....

Kim

I am thinking about admiration and my WH. I would love to talk to OW to find out what qualities she admires about my WH.

Is it:
*That while a man was paying my H to do work, my H decided to start and A with his wife?

*That he doesn't speak to his kids for days on end, while is kids are in therapy dealing with their feelings of abandonment

*That he could sit on her couch, and lie to his wife about how hard he was working (he did tell me that those phone calls always put a damper on their evenings)

*That he is obviously a financial loser as he lives in a one room motel and his family is in dire straits.

*That he wants to be with her so bad, but has still not filed paperwork for a divorce

************

Wh just called, he just keeps putting $$ in the bank and doesn't know why he is broke. I don't have access to his account... I told him I had been very concerned also and had thought maybe he was using drugs or something was going on worse than we all already knew about.

He doesn't understand why I feel the need to make copies of the bank statements <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He called back and we had a rather lengthy an not angry conversation. He kept talking about the bank situation, saying the same thing over and over. I kept saying I understand his concern, I will pass the statement on as soon as it arrives.

I let him know the D papers should be ready this week, that I was not ready to settle on the big issues but wanted to get something filed so the limbo could cease. I did let him know that I felt the papers would create a greater sense of hostility, so I was hoping for being a decent place with him before the next round starts.

We talked about the kids. He said he told DD he would not be moving into the shed, so I hoped he would understand how everything we say seems to get twisted in their minds. I let him know that I would not be asking the girls anything, and that we all knew that there was a "no OW around the girls rule".

I did flat out ask about drug use, he said no and that he sleeps all the time because he is suffering from insomnia. Hmmm, he slept fine when he lived with me.

So I was pleasant and accomodating on issues that I needed to be, but I did not accomdate any OW issues. I let him know that I have accepted that the house is a goner, he doesn't see that yet.

I really wish I had it in me to do some killer plan Aing. Maybe I can tell myself I don't want him, I just want him to want me. Maybe I can pull it off if I look at it as my own personal ego challenge. He is supposed to come by and look at the car heater situation today.

Wouldn't it be great if he actually fixed something and I could say a heart felt "Thank you". This morning was just weird, it felt like he was keeping me on the phone instead of the other way around.

I txt messaged him later, telling him thanks for letting me know that the kids were fighting over the computer at his place. The kids hate it when they realize that even though we are not together, we still coparent, they can't get away with anything.

I hate text messaging and I can't see how you build a relationship out of that.

I hate text messaging and I can't see how you build a relationship out of that.


I hate emailing as well. No way to build a relatinship on paper only!

It sounds like you are not sure Jean whether to Plan A or not.......yes, I know about wanting to say a heart felt thank you! You don't want to flatter without a cause.....I know. I thought I was doing a plan A, but from what I see others do, I guess I may have not done that really.......I really thought H wanted me to leave him alone, so I was more like 180...doing my thing, showing him my independence, etc....but now I see that along with that, I can still show him a lot of attention without really being needy.....it is a fine line!

Anyway, your H may yet realize what he is giving up when the D papers are filed for sure.

This is a tough spot to be in.......not giving up yet feeling like that might be the best thing for personal recovery......

Hang in there....

Daisy

Thanks Daisy,

I just can't keep this grin off my face today. I might be in some sort of manic phase, but this all just amuses the crap out of me. I did get WHs bank statement in the mail, that is always interesting reading. It appears he has either bought another phone or is paying for a phone for OW. (Shouldn't her husband pay her phone bills?) There was also a small charge for the adult book store near his place (I ws surprised that he wouldn't pay cash at the porn store). And it seems that two weeks deposits are missing.

I asked him (in a very helpful supportive manner) if perhaps he had already set up another account and that the money was in there. I did ask about the phone charge, again being helpful to ensure that the phone company was not double dipping.

But he knows I have examined it carefully, I thought about taking a highlighter to let him see the charges I found especially interesting from a legal standpoint - but why bother.

He had such potential as a man - what happened to him.

Is is normal to find this all so sickingly amusing?

Jean...

Are you saying you opened his mail (or is it in both names?).....Just thought that was interesting. I have been getting some mail for H but I just forward it to his adress usually. Am I making it way too easy for him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, he got some thing in the mail that I have been curious about and I almost opened it. Thought I would say I opened it before noticing it was for him. But I just left it, seemed kind of silly to lie about it..... He can get it when he sits for the cats at the end of the week....

Anyway, sometimes I get into that funk as well, where I just find the whole situation kind of rediculous. If you read on my thread....H told someone he is not married anymore......at first I thought what a bunch of BS and then I just laughed at the whole thing......and now I kind of just accepted it.....afterall we really are not living as a married couple........and I am just taking it all in....

I don't think that it is ubnormal......I think it is a defense mechanism kicking in......sometimes you just got to shake your head at it all.......

Daisy

I open his bank statements to make sure the mortgage and bills have been deducted from his account. I don't feel at all guilty about it. I would have thought he would have set up a separate account by now or had his mailed transfered somewhere else. As long as he is paying the mortgage, I don't think me getting confirmation of that is unreasonable.

I probably shouldn't have mentioned the fact that I am making copies of them all, but I do want him to understand that I am not going to fall for any crap.

He did come and look at the car. The kids got to ride with him to the auto parts store, I hope he fixed it, he didn't seem too sure of the repair. No cross words were spoken, I done good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He did ask OD to ask me if he could take his Xbox games, she asked me in front of him and I replied that I would not discuss that with her right now. So she got mad at me thinking I am being unreasonable, since Daddy misses them (the Xbox games) so much. It irritates me that he would put his 8yo up to asking, but I guess that is what 12yo boys do.

I just heard a good quote "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" - Maya Angelo

That seems appropriate for me today.

I did realize, I did try a little damsel in distressing re: getting a Christmas tree home. I asked if he thought it would be OK toting a tree home on the roof of the car, he said yes. He didn't offer to bee bop down and fetch us one in his big manly truck.

Oh well, I'll handle it.

Jean....I hear you. When I asked H to take the cat litter from my car to the house (it weighs 50lb each) he said why don't I try to scoop some out into a bag and bring it all into the house that way.......thanks!

It is amazing how things that they would have done for us without a second thought when we were dating them.....now it does not even ocurr to them or they come up with lame excuses not to have to do it.....

Jean...I understand you opening the letters....I guess I am having my own stragles.....sometimes I wonder if I had not made it so easy for him to leave would he be gone.....I have to admit I even packed some boxes with food for him so he would not have to get the basics....like oil and such....I feel like the fool now.....

wow...I wish he would not put the kids in the middle like that......why can't he ask for the games??? He really is a conflict avoider....but I guess that comes with the teritory of a WS....

Daisy

LOL, Daisy. When I read this I giggled again. No, my H would not have bee bopped down to get a tree when he was living here. And he would not have helped me with litter bags either. He literally did NOTHING but play Xbox (he does work hard out of the house, but come on, I could have used a few hours a year of his time for the many man stuff)

I can't wait until the day that OW expects him to do something around the place. I am sure she believes he is all handy dandy with his tools and manly man truck - she has no idea.

Someday when I am bored, I'll tell you about me jack hammering a hole in the back yard to build a pond. Or me pulling the dryer out to fix it since it had been a year that it didn't work right (did I mention he fixes laundry equipment for a living?) He really is a waste of nice biceps.

Jean,

I got this idea.....it is wild and crazy....it might make you sick.....but it might be worth a shot. Nothing illegal, just some cooking. Let me know. ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Got to go run some errands. Will be back. I have 'recipe books' that may help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

jean.....don't get me wrong....my H did some work around the house....unfortunately his motto was "it will get done when it gets done"......I don't know how exactly that works.....I got the tree last year since that motto was really not getting it done! But while we started dating....I know he would have done things for me....something just changed......and then everything I asked was a bother....but maybe I was asking too much or maybe I could have relaxed more.....

Thing that does get to me is that while I was running around getting all the paper work together for our immigr. and doing taxes, working and doing anything that came up....my H was just thinking about leaving me.....why could he not notice all that I was doing and appreciate it.....but then I guess I did not notice either.....I got to keep my energy level up if I am still in Plan A so I better end here......

Glad I made you laugh jean.....you really sound so together to me, it gives me hope that I'll be together one day.....

Wonder what Orchid has in mind??????

Daisy

Daisy,
I am glad I sound together to you, I may be seriously cracking up or I might be on the verge of some tremendous personal growth-who knows. But laughing feels better than crying. I guess it is all just so stupid to me, it seems to take the edge off. I really wish he had had a normal A with some red hot mama who would just tell me to my face that she won. No, he has some bible carrying, sniveling little troll chick, who has no idea what she is in the middle of and they are acting like 12yo's.

Orchid,
I'd be happy to hear any suggestions, although I do not have a clear objective at this point other than sanity maitenance. I still have your email addy, if it is to wicked to past hear, I will email you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


We just got back from Girl Scouts, the girls had a great time. I got the living room rearranged and there is room for a tree now. Tomorrow is the counselor. OD said she was hoping dad had come home when he popped in to fix the car. I should have warned her that he was coming over, but not staying.

It was a good day. Even with the amusing bank statement and having to actually see WH in the middle of the week. If this weren't just so screwed up, it might be more sad. But this is like some weird movie now. And I am just waiting for the next plot twist, OW pregnant or WH going with her to Korea or moving in with her and her hubby - I just can't wait to see what happens next.

How familar r u with Korean cooking? Is it something u can stomach? If so, I can give you some Korean dishes with a Hawaiian touch. Over here all the cultures mix up their food and confuse these poor kids. As a result, the island cuzine stirs up some tasty dishes.

My point is if u r up to it, get you cooking some good smelling and good tasting dishes. One thing 'bout most asian women, they like to cater to their men and esepcially the American men eat that up. So what better way to a man's heart than through his stomach.

Now remember that LB from afar theory..... u can use those Korean smells with the Hawaiian and more plesant touch to cause more conflict when he hangs around the OW and her kimchee garlic scents. LOL!!!

Ok, just let me know. I got a few Hawaiian cookbooks available with some Korean BBQ dishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,
I cannot wait for Jean's reply..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Daisy