(((Jean and her DDs)))

It sounds like you are being a wonderful, strong mother for your girls, Jean. I thought it was hard going through this WS crap with a baby, but I can't imagine having to go through this crap with older kids. Thinking of you and your girls.

Thanks Sadmommy, give your DD an extra squeeze for me!

Today I woke up thinking about long term goals, mine and what I thought WH's were. He has talked about some business plans and financial goals in the past year. But his actions now are ensuring that those will not materialize.

I am not sure that my dreams have changed in my adult life. When I was a teen/young adult, I had different dreams, but I am not sure that since marriage and motherhood, that they have changed much.

Financial status has become much less important to me, my need for "stuff" is pretty low. I am happy to lower my perceived standard of living in exchange for increased peace of mind. But, even as I say that, I am very pleased to think about WH living in a box while he sniffs after MOW and me and the girls live warm and cozy. So I still have some resolving to do in my mind about the whole financial situation. I do honestly feel guilty for asking for more than he has offered ( but has failed to produce ).

I think it would be interesting to talk to H at some point, find out what his current 5 year plan is and see if his current actions will take him down that path.

Even with the drastic shift in my circumstances, I can see my 5-10-20 year goals materializing on the path that I am on.

And, in all honesty, the lifestyle that I crave is easier to accomplish without H in my life. Even the man I thought I was married to before D-Day, he mocked a ridiculed the lifestyle I wanted.

When we first started "dating" during this reconciliation, he would come to my place. It was a very different atmosphere than what he was used to, no hi-fi, surround system, high definition anything. No gadgets, toys, no remote control. If you wanted to sit, there was this spot, if you wanted to lay down, there was a place - what more did I need?

When I left my H, I moved into a travel trailor, 187 sq ft of peace. It was the no bu11 [censored] zone. I miss that place. The kids miss it. There was no "go to your room so I can watch TV", it was constant interaction with the people in your life. I did some great parenting living there. Now that our lives have turned around again, the kids often just sit in my room with me, playing on the floor in my room. There are TV's and game systems in three different rooms here, but they want to be together - the three of us.

We have talked (the girls and I) about what kind of house we want next. They want something small and cozy like the camper ( a little more floor space would be nice though ).

I guess that is my mental hang up now, I don't think I want this house and I need to make a grown up decision. I am going to ask the attorney if the initial petition for divorce has to include any property settlement info. All I want now is the petition for divorce, establish alimony and child support and get the temp parenting plan set with OW not allowed near the kids.

I am hopeful for my new life, but just sorta still in shock that the old is over. But I know in my gut, WH is doing me a huge favor.

The girls and I had a good night. YD said that she really loves how we had family talks. We played alot of 'UNO' and goofed off. We decided to call ourselves the 'EWITs' for extraordinary women in training, but YD said I would just be a 'EW' because I am already an extraordinary woman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I still need to work out something in my head about the financials on the D papers. The problem is: if he has to pay what the papers say, that is actually more than he conrtibuted to the household while we were married. He could be unbelievably selfish and juvenile and bought himself alot of toys. So I look at that dollar figures and realize that we would actually be living better after D (finacially at least).

My sister says I should just consider it serevance pay for being unjustly fired. And it helps make up for the years of living like this while he had such nice playthings. But it does seem like he would tell the judge that he didn't spend that on his family when he was a part of it, why would he do it now? But I guess the judge would think he was a big jerk if he said that.

But I really just need to let the lawyer deal with the finances. I need to make sure that the parenting plan is right, and let the money stuff handle itself. The judge won't award me more than is fair.

It is just odd to think of him putting more $ into the household once he leaves it. And it is amazing to realize how much money he blows every month. But I am not getting too wacked out about the money stuff, I know he will fight this tooth and nail. I am rejecting his offer and that has never happened in our relationship before.

Had to deal with WH today. He was supposed to pick up the girls at 3:00. My intent was to have them ready so as soon as he pulled up, they could go out and he would not have to deal with me at all. Because he tells people (esp the kids) that he doesn't come see them as he has to interact with me which is uncomfortable for him. Well, he gets here 10 minutes early and I let him in so he wouldn't be cold (my mistake). So I am in my house trying to get them ready and avoid the beast in my living room.

I did tell him of my intentions of avoiding him for his comfort level. We ended up having a phone conversation in which he says is knows he is wrong but doesn't understand why I can't just deal with it since I have been wrong also. Which is interesting since he has never admitted that he is wrong. It doesn't mean anything, just interesting. I then asked if OW knew she was wrong, her Bible in the car has caused me a great deal of confusion, that is when he said his blood pressure was rising and he was going to let me go.

I really need to find a constructive outlet for my occasional bouts of rage besides calling that man.

It doesn't mean anything, just interesting. I then asked if OW knew she was wrong, her Bible in the car has caused me a great deal of confusion, that is when he said his blood pressure was rising and he was going to let me go.

Hi Jean, I think you pinched a nerve ending causing the blood pressure to rise! Oh well...let him think about it.

Okay...so he admits he is wrong...what is he trying to say?
Does he want the marriage or not? Did he receive D papers yet? I think he "beats around the bush" in so many ways. Does he ever get to the point? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Oh Jean,

Your EWIT acronym is too cute. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

As for the WS' bloodpressure, glad he still has some. Thought the aliens had completely replaced it with icy alien liquid. YUCK!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

OW with a Bible? Well just so you know, some of the best sinners can quote scriptures with the best of us. So having the book is no measure. How they use it is. Of course you know how phony the A citizens c/b. LOL!!! Pretend, pretend, wannabees. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Of course, they will never match the 'real people, place or thing'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Your little ones are right on the $$. Family time is important. They know where the right kind of quality family time is spent.

Hugz,
L.

The D papers have not been filed, I am still in the editing room with those. I should be able to meet with the attorney early next week for another pow-wow. I am just not ready for the settlement agreement yet, I still feel like I am getting the short end of the stick on that.

He has done nothing with any attorneys or paperwork since his consultation over a month ago.

I really want to call OW. Let's sit and have tea, I really want to understand this crap. I am done, I am OK with wanting the D. I know why I don't want the M. I just really want to know why he doesn't want it. I really want a nice logical answer as to how I failed him as a wife. I want to know my shortcomings. Again, my main emotions at this point are just insulted and inconvenieced.

He is upset since I won't be friendly and amicable like he was when I was the WW. I have asked him how we can be "friends" when he doesn't like me. Another difference is, when he wanted to leave, I did everything short of duct tape him to the chair, when I left - he helped me pack. When I left, I did not threaten him, I was wrong and I did everything I could to kiss his butt so he would not try to destroy me (as would have been his right). When he left, he has given every lame excuse in the book for his A, he has tried to vilify me worse during his A than he did during my A.

That is something I hadn't realized before. He has been more angry at me during his A than he was during my A.

Oh Lord... I am not trying to figure out your WH anymore! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


Jean....I think you should just get your money and run.

Lady

Lady,

Your post almost made me laugh, and cry at the same time. That is what I struggle with, feeling like this really is a strange blessing to me. I was talking to a friend and explaining how I struggle thinking that I must have not been a repentant enough FWW and that is why my M failed. Friend said that I was a very repentant FWW and that this situation may be my "reward". Now, that is very warped IMO, but has a ring of truth to it.

I really do believe that me and Higher Power are OK. I still carry alot of guilt and shame, but I think that is OK. I did not earn my "marriage fidelity" badge, but I learned from my mistake. And I get so frustrated wanting to learn from this failure. People get aggravated at me because I am trying so hard to take responsibility for WH's actions, so I can learn from it.

I know it is not very MBish, but everyone in my real life is just pretty relieved for me. They were all glad when I left, and now they are glad that it does seem to be over.

It just shouldn't be this hard and confusing. Know yourself, communicate with a partner and have a partner who knows who they are and is willing to communicate with you.

It is weird, even the kids said the other day they are starting to see that this D might not be all bad. I seem to be more fun without WH around. Everyone always commented on the "deer in the headlights look" that I got when H would come home. I still cringe when I hear a vehicle that sounds like his. But I am getting so much better.

It is my ego and need to understand that has taken the hardest blow. Just a grain of truth, that is what I want, but he can't give me that - so I'll take a big check instead. (Trying to keep my sense of humor, but this really does suck)

I really do believe that me and Higher Power are OK. I still carry alot of guilt and shame, but I think that is OK. I did not earn my "marriage fidelity" badge, but I learned from my mistake.
And that is what is most important, you have made peace with your Higher Power, and learned something from it.
In fact I think you have learned a whole lot from it, and have been very repentant. You do not have to dwell on it for the rest of your life. God has forgiven it...and so must you. Let the shame and guilt go.

WH A is his A now, not about yours of long ago.
He is not at a repentant point, or he would have turned around. And his blaming your A as to make himself feel better about his own is wrong wrong wrong.....(see here I go again, trying to figure him out). Shame on me.

People get aggravated at me because I am trying so hard to take responsibility for WH's actions, so I can learn from it.
Yeah I can see why they get aggravated.

It just shouldn't be this hard and confusing. Know yourself, communicate with a partner and have a partner who knows who they are and is willing to communicate with you.
I know...this is soooo I & H problem too. It's gonna take a long time...I believe... to learn and practice good communication skills. My H doesn't like to get to the heart of matters and I do. But he doesn't have a problem talking about surface, everyday stuff.

I know it is not very MBish, but everyone in my real life is just pretty relieved for me.
I know they are relieved, what is important is getting you to the point of relieved. And hopefully that will happen for you.

Jean, no matter what... you have grown from all of this. Up ahead it will make you better, and happier woman and mother all around.

And if you ever go into another R you are gonna be prepared!

Here we are... after all these years... learning how to be married.

Lady

I think I just had a mini epiphany. I ws thinking about speedbumps, potholes, sinkholes and earthquakes etc. And trying to decide what this A and D is going to be in my life.

I realized that I feel if it is not an earthquake then somehow that proves I didn't love my H and that makes him right to have had the A and leave. Maybe I don't just "get over it" because if it is easy to accept the loss, then it must not be much of a loss.

Now, honestly, this is pretty earthquakey BUT I am a mother and I can not succumb to the earthquake. My kids need a parent who does not have their head up their butt. So by me navigating around the pothole or sinkhole, does not mean I didn't love my H. It just means that I am much stronger than I realized and that I can do what is right no matter how good it would feel to just let the earth swallow me up.

WH is not strong enough, so he is falling into this huge gaping hole. He knows he is wrong, he said it yesterday. he knows he is doing terrible harm to the children, they beg him every weekend to come home. He is just so terribly weak. Perhaps he just needed to feel like he was rescuing a damsel in distress. his choice of damsels proves his lack of manhood. He picked a damsel who already has a knight, and abandoned the two young damsels (his DD's) that actually do need him. (I know he doesn't see me as a damsel, I have never been able to share my distress with him for fear of being dissapointed - and I know this is a fatal flaw in our M)

So, I am not betraying my H by not letting him destroy me. I didn't know that until this morning - I am a little slow.

Sunday, after drop off check in. The girls and I have made a deal. Their dad said it really bothers him when I ask the girls how their time was. He doesn't like me checking on him. And the girls are having their loyalty issues.

So to avoid this, I will not ask the girls anything about their time at their dad's. I will listen, but I won't ask anything. They do know that OW being around is against the rules, and they will tell me if that happens (it hasn't yet and OD does not want to be around OW at all)

But, they still tell me everything that happens and I just sit and don't react. Here are the notable WH quotes from the kids.

"Daddy says he is thinking about moving into the shed"
It is silly and irresponsible for him to tell the kids that. He would not ever do that, it is cold and there is no place to plug in his Xbox

Daddy says you are just taking this all too personally Stupid, stupid man, not worthy of a response <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But the good news is, he got the kids to the parade (in each others clothes though, one is in a size 6 and the other in a 10 and they had each others shirts on!). The kids were in the parade and I got off work in time to see them. So I met my mom, sisters and a BIL there and they saw me there. I did not see WH, but the girls told him they saw me, they said he sounded surprised. I hope he was cold and lonely watching his kids while the rest of his family was up the street.

And he didn't lose the girls, he met them after the parade and brought them home. I cried when I saw them in the parade - I am such a sappy mom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Jean....

Ahhh, the WS....what can be said.....you are his W and how else can you take his leaving and having an A but personally.....I feel bad for the girls...he is really trying to convince them that this is all normal...business as usual....

Sounds like you are doing well....

Sappy mom...that is the best kind...

Enjoy!

Daisy

Exactly!!!

Hi Jean!! Our WH's ARE weak. That is what put them in this whole freaking A thing in the first place!! Weak, weak, weak. And we WERE weak, but are so much stronger now.

HUGS to you and your girls. They are seeing you happier more of the time now, right?

Kim

Thanks for the support Kim and Daisy.

It just stinks. When he says stupid stuff like that to the girls, it makes me think that something is happening in his head. And him thinking anything at this point would be better than the non-thinking he has been doing.

And when I think he might be thinking, it gets me to thinking and the cycle of self doubt and what to do, what to do starts all over again.

So, stay on target, protect myself legally, let him dig his grave. It doesn't matter what I think he is thinking, because he is not DOING anything but making excuses, justifying and trying to normalize.

He is doing me a favor, he is doing me a favor, he is doing me a favor. He couldn't be making this any easier, he has not cake eaten, fence sat or anything, he has just been a very consitant jerk. Stay on target...

Have you thought anymore about sitting on the D & doing a Plan B?? I know you are resolving yourself to a D, but besided protecting yourself financially you need to protect yourself emotionally as well.

Kim

Kim,
I haven't actually filed the D yet, I have turned the papers back in to the attorney, needed some editing and I am not ready to settle on the dissolution agreement.

What I toy with is trying to jump back into a killer plan A. No holds barred, throw in a bunch of 180s and do everything short of using OD's duct tape idea. If I did that, I could know I did everything I could (short of waiting), BUT, I just have this very strong feeling that H is just a habit.

I am not even sure that my kids would be better off if I could pull a rabbit out of the hat and bring WH home. My YD has been very instrumental in showing me that. Just today, she was talking about how dad didn't do anything with them when he lived there anyway.

So that is where I am at today. Last week I knew the D was good for us all. Today, there is still that nagging feeling that there is hope. And that is based soley on how my little mind interprets things, not at all on reality. I can create some pretty interesting realities!

But it is Sunday, I don't have to deal with WH again until Fri or Sat, and that is good for me.

Nothing has happened of interest, but I am pretty POd and thought I would vent here.

The car has no heat - I have mentioned it to WH, he didn't express reasonable concern

I will have to beg someone to help me get a Christmas tree to the house, as I do not have an H with a manly pick up anymore.

The check from WH did clear, so that is $150 bucks he has given us for food since his departure

Christmas is fast approaching and I don't see the financial fairy coming soon for the kids to get presents.

I am tired of dealing with D paperwork. He has been out of the house for three months, why hasn't he done anything legally.

He is still paying the mortage and utilities, and for that I am grateful. For the rest - I am pretty POd.

I need to get some sort of message to him, a "I am informing you of these issues again, will you try to do something to help or is this who you want me to present to the judge" type of thing.

You vent girl! Get it all out----this is the best place!!

I'm glad the check cleared though & that he is still paying utilities, etc.

The heat thing in the car would be my big issue!! I can't stand the cold. How cold has gotten where you are??

Seems like that would be a priority for him since at least his kids have to ride in that car.

Kim

It is in the 30s today, a bit nippy for my taste.

I think I still have a key to his vehicle. The b*tch in me says I should go to the motel and switch the vehicle. Or, I have an inkling to text message the OW and ask her to ask WH to send $$, the kids are getting hungry.

At this point, I just want him to feel shame and send cash.