Orchid,
You seem to be on a roll tonight (I was just reading Hurting's thread)

Today was the first day WH has been inside the house in a very long time and he only came into the living room. So I doubt any cooking scenario would have an effect on him.

I don't know, we actually had a phone conversation about his finacial situation and he came to fix to the car. I am still slightly open to the possibility that there is wiggle room in this situation, but I doubt it. And I do doubt that it would be in my best interest to persue anything.

Now, after this all settles down and we are happily coparenting, the yes, I will drive OW crazy for the rest of her life. His former GF hated our relationship, but I don't even know if WH is still willing to coparent with me, he just stays so mad, because I won't just let him do his little thing.

As I was typing the last post, I heard OD yelling in the living room "I hate you OW". I went in there to see what had happened. There was a character on her cartoon with the same name as OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I would love to talk to OW and let her know that despite what my WH has told her, my children will never want to be in her presence and we will not be playing happy little blended family.

I am very grateful for her wonky, fraudulent immigrations marriage. That, hopefully, will protect my children from her for a while if I can ask the judge to keep her away from the kids while she is still married.

One thing you have in your favor.....you could always say the OW reeked of cabbage and garlic. LOLL!!! I remember having to go pick up a friend of my dads to take to a meeting and had to hold my breathe in their home. Now I am oriental and used to oriental cooking smells but the garlic in their house made me gag. (sorry no offense to anyone of that culture). BTW, I like some Korean food dishes.....kalbi tastes onolicious (Hawaiian pidgin for delicious). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The cooking thing could have an effect, if he doesn't get to whiff that aroma, the kids could say what a great cook mom is, she can even cook Korean dishes better than that OW.

BTW, does this mean that one disney cartoon is off your OD's list? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

L.

That is one thing I can count on, OD will wrinkle her nose up at everything that woman ever tries to serve her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

On another interesting note, OW's name is a trigger of mine from way back. When I was a teenager, I was cheated on and the girl had the same name as OW. So when WH tried to tell me that he was sure he had mentioned her and her hubby before, I could be 100% he had not. Just hearing that name would have sent off immediate red flags for me. In fact, this is the fourth woman I have known by this name, and they have all been OW's in some situation. This is OW's American name, I can't believe out of all the names she could have picked - it was that one.

Now u have me curious..... someone from the Fairly odd parents?!?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

BTW, OWs name same as the Xws' 1st fiancee. YUCK!!! They even looked alike but different nationalities. Think the mothership messed up when they made the OW. LOL!!!

L.

Sorry, not Fairly Odd Parents, it was Kenny the Shark on Discovery Channel. That character is not regular so we don't have to give up a cute show. We did have to evacuate a Burger King recently when "their song" came on the radio, OD is soooo sick of having to listen to that song <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Stuff about the kids:

OD stayed funky last night after hearing OW's name on TV. She cried and threw pillows and moaned about Daddy. She finally calmed down and I rubbed her back until she fell asleep.

But YD and I had a good talk. She is just so sick of all this drama with OD. She is tired of all the crying and moaning and talking. I do try very hard to remove OD from the room when she is breaking up, but it still disrupts YD's life. She did tell me she didn't feel safe talking about her feelings with me. She said she is not mad at Daddy and she thinks I will be upset by that. I was so glad that se could tell me that. I explained to her that I was not mad at Daddy, and I am glad that she is not. YD said that she is part sad and part angry - so we named that 'sangry'.

So I have got to figure out a way to keep this from causing trouble between my two DD's. My sister reminded me that we did the same thing when our parents divorced - although I don't recall it.

The saddest part IMO is this: WH enjoys YD so much more, she is fun and easy going. OD is serious and sensitive. He has never had any patience with her. OD has such a deep love for her father, that is why she is hurting so bad. YD is actually kind of indifferent to him. She talks about how he was never home anyway and she just doesn't seem to miss him. She enjoys the time with him, but he absence does not cause her the deep seated pain that OD is experiencing.

WH thinks everything is hunky dory because OD won't talk to him and YD is indifferent. So as long as no one is confronting him, he says all is well. And by the time this is over, he won't even know who his daughters are.

If there was anything I could do to protect the father daughter relationship - I would. I really don't dog WH. I have stopped talking about money. I don't ask the kids anything. I offer to call him anytime they want to talk to him, but they never want me to call him. I don't cry and yell, I am looking pretty OK IMO (emotionally speaking).

But I cannot do the father/daughter thing by myself.

Jean....

It is so sad, the situation with the kids. He really needs to be a functioning father to the kids and go to the counseling with them so he has someone else (besides you) telling him there are serious issues to work out here......sadly though I doubt he would listen to a counsler....the WS always think everyone is out to get them!

Hugs....
Daisy

Jean,

Ask the kids if they want to write or draw out their feelings. Ask about keeping journals. Maybe get one of those girlie type diaries and let them write or draw. In time, they can share a letter or picture with their dad.

You can't intercede with their R w/their dad. If he allows it t/b damaged, then it w/b. Reassure them of your love and commitment. Each child will digest it their own way.

Give the love anyways.

Hugz,
L.

jean

i'm sorry that your daughters are hurting. It's good that they feel they can be honest with you about their thoughts and feelings.

i was like your OD...i fell apart when my dad left because i idolized him ...

my mom did her best to console me but i just wanted him...

but keep being there for her...now i look back and respect my mom for how she dealt with things and how she tried to be there for me

Thanks Orchid, Daisy and Eav:

Today was a good day. I didn't get to speak to the counselor except in passing, but she did say there was movement and change, so that is good.

My BIL helped us get a Christmas tree home, so we will decorate it tomorrow. I haven't had a real tree in years and years, I like the smell.

No word from the attorney, I guess I will call tomorrow and see if the papers are close.

OD is venting alot of her anger on me, that is getting frustrating. I am torn between letting her vent and still trying to have boundaries as far as how much attitude mommy is going to listen to. There has got to be a way to vent anger without treating me like crap. But, she is 8yo and most adults struggle with venting safely.

There has got to be a way to vent anger without treating me like crap. But, she is 8yo and most adults struggle with venting safely.

This is true Jean.....I don't think most of us learn how to get out our frastration in a productive way.....without hurting the people around us.

Daisy

It is just so cool, in a crappy way, how she can express her feelings with me. She clearly says that she is going to dump her feelings on me since dad is not safe. At times, the anger in this house is so thick, at when I ask about it, she says she just can't let it out around dad.

But she is doing breathing exercises, we color mandalas, lots of warm baths...

Jean....

To me it sounds like she knows that you are the safe one.....it sound like she does not like what she is doing to you....but she needs to let it out and feels safe around you...do let her.....it will most likely get better with time.....and then the two of you will have a great bond for a life time.

Daisy

I think I am ready to plan B now. Not due to my losing my love for my H, I really think I will always have love for that imaginary guy. But I think my love for IH (imaginary husband) is similar to the 'love' that I feel for George Clooney or somebody. I love the way I imagine them to be. So that little delusion seems pretty safe in the recesses of my mind.

Now my issue is, I really don't want to talk to WH because he just depresses the crap out of me. It is like talking to one of those people that won't stop drinking, gambling or sleeping with ONS, and they wonder why they have no depth to their life. You know the type, they just whine about their lives when it is so obvious to all their friends that the problem is their destructive behavior.


I called him yesterday but he didn't answer so I didn't leave a message. He called back today to see what I needed (glad it wasn't anything important <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) I let him know that I handled yesterdays issue and asked if he had figured out what was happening at the bank. He can't find his deposit slips, whine whine whine.

This feels like very healthly detachment to me. I just don't need to get a fix from him now, angry, happy or otherwise. He is just a shell of the man he once was, I almost hate it for OW that she will never know the man that he used to be - that sounds pretty warped even to me.

I think I might have gotten out of him the best he had. I guess I am grateful for the one good year - I did have a blast. I hate it that it was too much for him to handle.

I feel peaceful for me, sad for him and hopeful for the children. The reality today is he has nothing to offer the three of us.

Good day yesterday, OD only had one melt down and it only lasted 12 minutes !! That is great progress.

I talked to the attorney's asst yesterday, the attorney is reviewing the final draft of the initial paperwork. She told me which issues I will probably have to negotiate on (re the parenting plan) and that is fine with me. I figure I'll start big and negotiate down to reasonable.

She did ask about the deal about keeping OW away from kids. She wanted to know whether that was something I really need or just an emotional response. My unemotional response is: WH has said he was not going to introduce her to the children as she is "not a sure thing". And IMO, as long as she is married, she is not a sure thing. My emotional response is that that immoral troll has nothing of any character value to offer my children and there could be no possible benefit from the children making her acquaintance. I believe the counselor would back me up on this, as the children are directing most of their anger onto the OW as it is easier to blame her than to blame their father.

The Christmas Tree looks lovely, the mantel is decorated (which I haven't done in years). I havn't done done the porch, and probably won't, it is just cooold outside. If I gave a ratts butt about my marriage, I would maybe do the porch, maybe it would strike some warm fuzzy in my WH. But I don't care enough today to stand out there in the cold making the columns look like candy canes on the long shot that my WH would go "ahhhh, maybe my wife is not the root of all my problems".

I did have to speak to WH last night about kid schedules. I am looking forward to having the schedule in place so there is no need for communication. But, I do know, that once he sees the paper, there will be another round of fireworks. I am tempted to wait until after Christmas, but I am just tired of waiting.

It does seem to be taking the lawyer a long time to get them done, but maybe that is just the 'powers that be' making sure my heart and head are in sync.

Sounds like u have a plan. Nows the hard part......the waiting game. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Remember patience is a virtue. The OPs and WS' have no virtue.

L.

Today has been a rough day. WH and I talked on the phone this AM. I let him know that I was genuinely concerned about him. He says now that he lost a paycheck and mortgage will probably cause him to become overdrawn again. I did ask some questions about the A, he said that he is not ready to discuss that with me, to stop pushing him to explain anything.

Later, he came to pick up the kids and OD didn't want to go with him. She was crying and stayed in her room. He did go into to talk to her, but he said that "sometimes you just have to do things that are best for yourself and not think of anyone else", which made OD cry because she said she is "not anyone else, she is his daughter". He and I talked about what is going on with the kids, he actually had a little tear in his eye. OD did end up going with him, but only after he promised that he would not want to talk about her feelings.

That was easy for WH to promise since the last thing he wants is to have the reality of the devastation he has caused thrown in his face.

I am doing OK, I am just really sad for who he has become. I am also to the point where I will reduce visitation if the counselor recommends it, he just is killing OD. I did send some Christmas decorations with them so they could spruce up the motel. I called them for bedtime, and they seemed OK.

I am tired of my life being the punch line to some mid life crisis joke. I've been doing really well, but there is just this sadness for the fact that my children are in such pain because of something so meaningless (meaningless IMO, I am sure that the A means the world to him).

But, I was very proud of OD for talking to him, she has just been so scared to talk to him. But she did, and he did not get mad (as was her fear). I told her how big that was for her to do that and nothing bad happened so now she has opened a door to communicate with her dad.

Jean, I have to stop reading your posts...they are killing me with sadness (I am just kidding in reality <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />). I can feel your pain and love for your children in your posts.

Your WH is "on my list", please let him know that "his time is coming" and he has an appointment with me soon..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I would honestly think you know by now that "talking" to him and telling him you are "concerned" for him will not be fruitful. Each time you do this, it makes you worse. Ya ever notice this?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yeah LM, I do notice that. I know that I am doing the same "let WH rip your heart out trick" again.

But honestly, I think it helps. I have to get to a point where there is no love, respect or loyalty for my WH left. I need that to be strong enough to do what is required of me. I actually feel sorry for the [censored] of what is life will look like after Divorce Court.

It is two steps forward, one step back. But that is better than two steps back. My fog is clearing...

And to say that my concern is not fruitful... you would have to assume to know what my motives are. And I am not sure what my motives are. If he had that long awaited lightbulb moment, I would feel like my "get out of jail" card had been revoked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

It is just sad to see a decent (not great) guy go so bad...