The reason we spoke again last night was me calling to see if he had set up email yet. I would like to communicate with him via email since our speaking to each other is very counterproductive. But he has not, he seems to be too busy TMing OW. I did get a bit snippy and said I need more room for verbage than TM allowed to coparent with him and I am confused how one has a relationship via 134 charcter blurbs. My WH is in love with a Cricket (phone).

I asked if I should just have the papers served at the motel, he said he is never sure when he will be there. I said they could serve him at 5AM, he said he might not be there. I suggested he give me OW's addy and I could have him served there - he got mad.

But this is all working great in his mind. He has always said I have this need to be right and now I am proving it. Even though the only thing we have argued about in the past year was his OW, I still have this need to be right.

I couldn't get to sleep last night and I woke up way too early. This is the most shaken I have been since right after D-day. This is not how I want to spend my Holiday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Oh, on the settlemet thing, I am not filing the marital dissolution agreement yet. I am too emotionally fried to make major financial decisions. But the irritates WH. He doesn't know why I need to decide anything, I should just write up his offer and sign nicely.

You're taking a big step, and I don't blame you for not making the financial decisions until you are ready. That is only smart Jean. Do you think you could find someone that is wise when it comes to financial matters as big as the house settlement, debts, tax decisions...etc. Maybe your parents, brother, sister, friend etc...

What would be the dangers, what would be the plus's. You don't and shouldn't make those decisions on your own, but with some guidance from wise people, that would benefit you.
You do have to have a good, wise plan when it comes to those decisions. You & the childrens future depends on it.


And what is his offer?

Lady

I guess his offer is 7% of his income in 'alimony' (but we can't call it that) for two years. That does not address the debt load difference or protecting the house from the IRS if he flakes out on making his payments. There is a huge tax big which is all on his income (my job takes out my taxes) that he wants credit for paying. And he keeps talking about him taking all the debt, but my student loan (1/3 of which was tuition, the rest is marital debt) is three times the debt he is taking (taxes not included) and he has not paid my student loan in 4 years or so.

There is just some finagaling to do. And I still am not sure that we will end up divorced. BUT, I am either going to have a great marriage or a great divorce when this is over.

He actually called this AM to say sorry. He said he would call back when he has time to talk so we can calmly come up with a plan. I am sure he just wants me calm since he might be getting a tad nervous about his reality.

But I ID'd something very important about myself today. In my EN's, family commitment seems to be number 1 (I always thought it was SF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> ) But my 'need to be right' only happens when I feel threatened. When I don't feel safe, my counterattack looks like brow beating.

It happened after 9/11, he made fun of my fear and it created a wedge that ended in my A. After D-day, I felt threatened, so I could not sit by and wait for a nice smooth withdrawal which pushed him back to OW. And now I am threatened and it is looking like a potentially nasty D.

Jean, I don't know what to tell you here...but I agree you need some good financial advice before filing this part...
I hope someone here can help you with that. Have you talked to the lawyer about those financial issues...I'm sure he could at least advise you what would be best and what he can fight for for you and the children? Consult with others with this type of wisdom, and consult with the lawyer about it.


Are you saying here that you are just filing to see what you H will do...as in testing him to see what moves he will make...or to push him to make a decision, rather than sit in the hotel room and do nothing, like he's been doing for so long?


Becareful of his plans...until you get financial counsel, don't make any agreements with him.

That is one of my top EN's too.

Lady

No, I am not testing him, I am not bluffing at all. Like I said, I will have a great D (if such a thing exists), or I will have a great M. Either way, I will be OK, mediocrity is not an option.

I will not agree to anything unless my lawyer says that it is in line with what a judge would give me.

He listed as his three best qualities: communication, problem solving and trustworthiness. So, I approach him this morning and asked if we could communicate about the financial problem because we can trust that we want what is best for the kids.

I will continue on the D path until a white knight emerges in my WH (not likely but a girl can dream)

WH has not picked up the D papers yet, so I have not faced the wrath for invoking the name of the goddess OW yet.

I went Christmas shopping last night. Nothing on OD's list is available, she wants video games that only go to a system she doesn't have. I bought a fur real friend that I just found out she already has. I started crying thinking I can't even give her a nice Christmas.

I called WH before I went shopping, to make sure that he hasn't bought anything yet, he hadn't. He suggested we go together Tuesday night. I told him honestly that I don't think I can do that, I try to avoid seeing him at all cost since it causes me pain. He said he didn't want to hurt me and he knows the truth will hurt.

So, there seems to be some truth that he knows that I am not privy to yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I talked to him this AM to give him the Christmas catastrophe update. I also let him know that I was very eager to hear his new truth. I said that his absence really doesn't hurt me anymore, but I do need to heal from his departure so I can know who he is know and have the info I need to build a framework for our new divorcing relationship. Of course, he back pedaled, he won't tell me the truth, he only knows part of it, it will happen in his time, not mine yada yada yada.

My sister the counselor, wants to try some EMDR therapy technique on me to help me get past my block. (Little sis screwing around in my brain <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />). So she said I need to come up with the summary statement of where I get "stuck". I think that question would be:
"How could I have asked so little from someone, and it still be more than he could give me?"

And my positive affirmation statement would be:
"I deserve someone who will invest of themselves into our relationship"

I asked for nothing from my H and that is exactly what I got. So that is the lesson I need to learn from this.

Oh, I took the girls to the the "Nutcracker", my sis scored free tickets to the final dress rehearsal! It was a lovely girls night out. We had gone several years ago, WH didn't go with us that time either. There are so many experiences where I pause thinking I should be missing WH right now, then I remember that he wouldn't have been there anyway.

I really wish I had somewhere else to post, because I know that I have failed at the MB principles. I just could not plan A to success, because by being appealing to him, I would have to sell myself short. What he needs is someone who will not hold him accountable, blindly admire him for who he protrays himself to be and someone will will just sit down, shut up and coo at him.

After D-day, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to change. The day after d-day, he literally handed me a list of all my faults, why he had the affair. So I changed all of them, pronto. And most of them are still intact (It was a pretty silly list IMO).

I read ShatteredO5 thread, her great plan A even with the D ongoing. I know I could do that, but what would be my reward, I'm just thinking about my WH, I hope Shattered's is worth the effort. But for my WH, if I won him back, I would still have the same old [censored] that I have put up with for 15 years.

I had dinner with a good friend of mine tonight, he and his wife were long time friends of mine and H's. He confided in me about an affair that he had (ONS after a EA) before he and his wife married. He said that the reason he did it, was that OW was just so easy to make happy, something that he just couldn't accomplish with his GF.

And a lightbulb went of in my head. My WH's OW gives good phone!! I really stink at good phone. Even my friends and family tell me that. I am pretty short and to the point. My WH often told me I sounded like he was interuptting something when he called (of course, that was years ago when I had three kids in diapers-of course I was just sitting here eating Bon Bons)

So he runs across a sweet little cutie who bats her eyelashes. She calls him and coos all day, he calls his wifey poo, and wifey poo is busy with the kids or waiting to hear what crisis has befallen her H. Why else would he call, he doesn't want to talk to her when he is home? But OW coos and sounds so chatty and they text messages sweet nothings to each other.

So, I think I will fake some good phone for awhile. It will be weird, but I know I can do it. I work part time at a nursing home and I do very well with the sweeties, honey and pleasant chit chat with the little ladies there. So I should be able to be all sweety sugar pie, just calling to see if your having a better day with my WH.

Do I think it will make a difference - no. Because then WH would have to admit he was wrong, can you hear Fonzie from Happy Days saying he was wrong?

My WH once let the house go into foreclosure because he stopped paying the mortgage since they failed to send him a receipt for the last late payment he made. He literally did not pay the mortgage for 4 months to "make a point" and was going to let them foreclose (this was during our separation). I read a saying once "Don't jump on your high horse when your d*ck is nailed to the ground". That is a lesson my WH has never learned.

Bad phone manners is the only one of WH's complaints that I hve not corrected, I have become worse actually. I keep it short and to the point and I doubt any of our conversations leave him with any warm fuzzies.

Why bother doing this?? Mmmm, just to see if I can pull it off. That really is the only thing that OW has "on" me. And that is 95% of their relationship. Plus, it would confuse the heck out of him.

I'll let the lawyer handle to D completely and I will just be the warm fuzzie for as long as I can until I puke.

I am in a froggy (foggy) mood. Maybe I just need to know that I did do all I can before I call it a day.

jean

i'm wondering if the "good phone" thing is part of ALL OW attraction....

to "hook our husbands" while we are busy doing the things that WIVES do...like work, cook, clean, and care for our kids

Yes, your right. I doubt all these EA's happened as often before cell phones, text messaging, and emails.

When he drops of the kids tomorrow, I just have this urge to pat him on the a$$ and say "Don't worry about that explaining the why's of this to me anymore, I got this one figured out" and wink and walk off.

How are you doing Eav?

Another stab at the old heart today. A little birdy told me that OWH's has filed for D, and apparently OW was surprised. So I guess WH and OW will have to get married so she can stay here.

So much for me keeping the kids away from OW until everyone was divorced (I was really hoping to buy a few years with that)

Can my attorney find out if OWH has filed (same state, different county). If he named my WH and I named his WW, that knowledge should be shared, IMO. I feel very strongly that my WH and OW should not get OWH's business out of all this filth.

I am going to see if the attorney can confirm, then maybe put in a call to OWH.

Giving Good Phone - strike one!!

He called to let me know he was running late. I started discussing Christmas Eve/Morning plans. He wants to be here when the kids wake up...

So, in the same feeling that I would say "you are welcome to spend the night, but if smoke bothers you, I wanted to let you know I am a smoker", see how I would say that to someone???

I said to him, you are free to spend the night but I understand that you might be uncomfortable since you felt you had to sleep in body armour before you left...

Well, that really made him mad, everything has to be a dig, blah blah blah. So I said I was trying to be tactful, I should have said you are welcome to sleep here without fear that I will molest you in your sleep. I do get a little amused of the memory of him sleeping fully dressed so he wouldn't cheat on his mistress with his wife.

So strike one on "good phone" - sheesh, I stink at this.

Oh, and he is going to church (with OW no doubt), that just kills me how two adulteres can sit in church together <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Interesting realization. WH was supposed to bring home kids at 4:00, they got here at 5:30. He was planning on bringing them early since he had plans later. So even though he was an hour and a half behind schedule, he still came in and stayed longer than he had ever stayed (only like 20 minutes or so).

It is just amusing that even though he is so foggy and so in love, he wasn't rushing home to get OW "to the church on time", they were going to a church choir thingy. I started to be hurt thinking he would never go somewhere like that with our family. Then I realized he was stalling, going to be late and probably have to listen to her ****** about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It was a typical Sunday here with OD freaking out. She really only seems to have a very hard time on Sunday. She just hates the reality of the kid swap. She was also very hurt, WH had rec'd some cologne or something from his sister's Christmas celebration. WH was talking about how OW would love his new smell. OD said it really made he mad to hear him talking about her.

His family did seemed surprised by the A, but I guess they are all cool with it now. I talked to his sister today, checking to see if WH had left for town yet. She said that WH does plan on spending the rest of his life with OW and he seems happy. She also said that I am welcome with the kids anytime. That was nice, but I still wish someone would knock him upside the head.

His sis also let it slip that WH was late leaving town since he was busy with a football game - pretty soon to be leaving OW haging like that Mmmmm.

My sister thinks he may be freaking out since OWH has filed (rumor has it) and now WH realizes he has to marry her since he screwed up her immigrations marriage.

[color:"blue"]YIPPEE!!!!! [/color]

L.

I called the court records office, OWH's filed the day after I did. The papers are a matter of public record, so I will be off soon to pick up a copy.

I am feeling:
1. Sad - this does seem to put a nail in my marital coffin.

2. Bummed for the kids - I really thought they wouldn't have to meet OW for a long time, but their D will probably be done before mine as they have no children and the waiting time is less.

3. Riled up - eager to see what his papers say and the feeling that I will probably have a lot more truth about the situation after I read them. I will at least know her current address so I can serve WH there if needed.

I have read OWH/OW's divorce papers. I have talked to WH. It seems that OWH rec'd his official green card and kicked his WW to the curb (WW's application was denied). WH is livid that I know this, he thinks I have been cyber stalking OW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> . I did not tell him how I found out, just that God seems to throw stuff in my lap sometimes.

The odd thing is that my WH was asking me what the D papers said. I told him to ask his OW. She won't tell him, Hmmmm. WH doesn't know if he is named or not. There seems to be a few things that WH doesn't know about his mistress.

Veddy Veddy interesting. He really is mad at me though. But my sanity experts have said that it was reasonable for me to get the papers to see if WH was mentioned to support my adultery charge.

WH is very distraught as he says OW will have to find a new sponser or go home to momma in Korea.

How do you go about finding someone to sponser you, she is just a tad too old to put herself up for adoption.

"How do you go about finding someone to sponser you, she is just a tad too old to put herself up for adoption?"

I think she has figured out a way. YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wonder what the time frame is for the impending nuptials is??

Okay Jean, when did OWH recieve his green card. And why didn't OW get one? That just sounds weird.

And how long were they married?

Lady