Lemon,
I hope I didn't sound like a smart aleck in my last post. I spend alot of time obsessing about my motives, I need a new hobby. But, I didn't mean to sound snippy, if I came across like that.

I was talking to my sister tonight. I asked her if I really acted this wacko when I was a WW. She said the only thing that made my sanity questionable, was my choice to move into a travel trailer (camper). It made perfect sense to me, I was the WW, I deserved to live in a tin can. I drastically altered my standard of living during my WW term. And I did it feeling remorseful for what I had done.

When I reconciled with H, he wanted me to sell the camper. I did it reluctently (I had wanted to restore it) because he didn't want me to have an "exit strategy". I completely understand, but then less than a year later, he is the WS.If we still had the camper, it would be saving us hundreds a month in his hotel bill. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I asked the kids how their visit went, YD said "same old, same old". But OD did not have her typical meltdown, she just said that there was no point in her going to Dad's if he was going to ignore them anyway. So I have let her know that I will not force her to go, she just needs to let us know so I can arrange for a babysitter while I work on Sundays.

My car is about to die, WH knows, doesn't feel obligated to assist us on that. I took it to an uncle to look at. WH brought the kids over there to drop them off. I am surprised that is doesn't embarrass WH to have other people having to do stuff for us (like work on our car), but it really doesn't.

I woke up Sunday with the thought in my head "there is still hope, keep hanging on, he'll be back". I struggled with that all day. I talked to my sister who explained that I am really the only one who gives a d*mn about WH, he really is not well liked and hasn't been for many years. I talked to my uncle and aunt, they have been M for 30 years, tey have known WH since he was 12 (they are actually my sisters inlaws). The aunt said WH has always been selfish, uncle said he always thought WH was worthless and they both felt like I should get out while the getting is good (while he will have to pay alimony)

It is just weird to think "who is the guy that OW is in love with?"

And it is sad to know that everyone I know thinks WH had always been an a$$. I appreciate their support when we reconciled, but... Oh well.

Jean,

It's sad that your OD feels like she is being ignored when she visits with her Dad. That can't be easy for you to see. I am seeing more and more of DS's pain....so I feel for you -


Your OW is in love with a Fantasy. Do you really think your actual H is as bad as everyone is saying? I don't think so.....otherwise, I don't believe you would have fallen in love with him in the first place. Just my opinion.....

Take care -

Kim

Thanks Kim,

It does stink when kids have to deal with this crap.

I don't know, I think WH may be a waste case. Maybe he was loveable when we married, but I think he didn't grow up much over the past 15 years. I do still have some love for him, or who I thought he was, but I feel pretty OK with being done with all this.

And that makes me sad, I see everyone here busting their butts to save their marriage, and I am just not sure that my M is worth breaking a sweat over anymore. We really are OK with him gone. I still am insulted and irritated at the way he is conducting himself now. But, his absence has not caused me to curl up and die.

Like YD says, he was never here anyway, so it is really no big loss if we keep it in perspective. Talking to my pseudo MIL (WH's 'foster mom'), she said that she kinda always figured that WH has not been faithful during the earlier marriage (before I left). That also stinks to hear, but is likely to be true.

I really think that he is just a habit to me, I am his wife and it is hard to not think of being M to him.

Or maybe this is all just my defensive mechanisms kicking in so I am not heart broken.

Rough day today, tears today for the first time in a long time. I have to see the lawyer again today, and that always makes me funky. I have had another conversation with WH. Now he is pissed off at my need to understand things. He is tired of my overanalyzing.

I asked the same question - why? He has no answer. Just the same old babble, "we just don't work". My need to find out where I failed is consuming me. And secretly, I know I did not fail, I just want him to say that there is no rational reasons for his actions.

On the positive side, he did finally admit that he has slept with OW. Geeesh, that took long enough. Of course, they aren't together now, just still talking and TMing each other.

Is it wrong of me to say I hope they both reap what they sow (that is the most polite way I can think to say what I am thinking).

Onward and upward...

I think its great that you realize you are a woman who thinks deeply about things.

Unfortunately, your WH is a shallow man.

Well ... I donno 'bout this.... but his recent choices are not so hot!

Its why I made sure it said WH, and not just H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The whole "we just don't work" is so sophomoric.

The whole "we just don't work" is so sophomoric. [/quote]

yeah, it is ... and it is a non-response ... he ought to say "I donno" at least that would be honest ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Went to see the attorney, papers should be ready this week.

I talked to BIL (WH's best friend pre-A) he watched the kids for me while I was at the attorney. I feel sorry for BIL that he has lost his best friend. WH has just dropped of the face of the earth for the most part.

But the lawyers visit was good. Luckily, unlike myself, the lawyer is not the least bit concerned about making WH mad. We are holding off on the settlement papers, right now just the petition and a request for immediate support hearing.

I am sad, but can't figure out exactly why. None of the scenarios pertaining to WH sound good to me right now. He has no plan, no direction, no family, no money, no friends.

But I do believe that my 'concern' for him does indicate a lack of respect for him on my part. I really don't think he has enough sense to see what his outlook is. I wrote on my fridge "Respect him enough to let him hit bottom".

I need to get out of the fixing people business, I stink at it and the return investment ain't worth it.

Jean -

Hi - I dunno. I look at what you are doing and wonder sometimes why I just don't move forward with the same thing myself. You just get tired of the wondering and waiting for the WH to come around. But then think about the statistics. Usually the WH eventually does.

Then, is it just their loss? Some have the patience for it and others do not. Some will continue loving and some will not.

I am trying to respect my H so he can hit rock bottom too. Maybe I'll put that up on my fridge. But will that rock bottom happen soon enough?

It looks like both of our WH's are going to let this Christmas come and go as is. It is a sucky time of year, but we have to be strong for our kids. Each day closer to Christmas gets harder but I know you can do it Jean.

You are strong. I know you can make it through - try to take your mind off of this whole mess for now and focus on the reason for the season. It will bless you.

Kim

Thanks Kim,

It has been a crappy day all the way around. Of course, talking to WH is useless and does nothing but frustrate me more. Dealing with the lawyer always puts me in a bad mood. I don't want a d*mn divorce, why can't he have the balls to handle this crap. The water pump is going out in the car so I am on borrowed time. And just now, giving the kids a bath, it appears that the hot water heater is acting up.

I just want to call him and say, you win, you get the d*mn house, me and the kids are leaving. He is not doing us any favors "letting us live rent free" if I don't have any money for food, car maintainance or household stuff.

I have places I can stay with the kids. The troll and her husband and my WH can have the house and the three broken down cars and the termites and the rest of the mess.

Tomorrow will be better, I hope..

jean

i can see you're having a horrible rotten no good very bad day (i'm having one every day this month so far)

i hope that tomorrow is better for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank Eav, chin up girl, we are going to be OK!!

Today is better so far. But, I am in my jammies drinking coffee, so nothing bad can touch me!

My interesting obsession for the past 24 hours (I think I need meds!). Yesterday was the first time the WH admitted the PA (not like anyone believed him) and my sister was concerned with how I took that news. Oddly, I have never been disturbed with visions of them "rutting like pigs" as Melody so eloquently says. The vision that has haunted me is him touching her face and gazing into her eyes.
-----------
Anywhoooo, the lawyer just called asking questions about the settlement. I had to explain again that I don't want to file that yet. I am not at a point where I can make major financial decisions. There are back taxes, questionable tax returns, I don't want the IRS to take the house. We have a drastic income differential and a drastic debt load differential, both to my detriment. I don't want to be heartbroken and financially screwed. If I have to get a divorce, I want to make sure I am getting a d*mn good one.

Crap, that call made me cry again, time to buck back up. I wish my dad were still alive. I don't want to be a grown up right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I just want to call him and say, you win, you get the d*mn house, me and the kids are leaving. He is not doing us any favors "letting us live rent free" if I don't have any money for food, car maintainance or household stuff.

First thing Jean, I'm sorry to hear of your WH's confession of his PA. I'm sure that's making things harder on you.

Second thing....have you ever thought of putting the girls into public shcool? I don't know...Just something I was thinking about. It may be a lot more difficult to homeschool them without your H there. And his support may not be enough keep up with the bills.

It may be somewhat socially therapuetic for OD to be around children her age.
There are so many extra-curricular activities, and sports that she could get involved in too.

I hope you can come to a decision about the house. The main thing is to get the debts paid. Then if you want to keep it, keep it. But if you feel it's going to be more of a burden than it's worth. Move, and don't look back. You don't want to be stuck with a headache. Give the house to H, making him pay 1/2 of the cost of it to you, and the debts and move on. Also remember there a programs such as HUD who can help you buy a house very very reasonable....they can help if you were to go into a rental as well.

You are going to be a single mom, and you need all the resources you can find.

Lady

Ladysheep,

I do think there may be a need to put the kids in school, but right now, it just can't happen. OD would have a major mental meltdown. I am not real concerned about the money and homeschooling. When we were separated before, he gave me $400 a month. That is all I asked for as I was the WS and I did not want to harm him financially. That was less than 1/2 of standard child support.

Now, he will owe me full CS, close to $1000 a month, plus alimony. So if I made it on him paying me $400 a month, I am sure that I will make it on 4-5 times more. I may not stay in the house doing it, but I can do it. I am a frugal goddess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I signed the papers today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> . I did call WH on the way to the attorneys, last shot before I file. I wanted him to say he was blissfully happy and so thankful that I was cutting him loose. He can't say that, he says nothing. I begged him "please don't hesitate now". But he just says "we don't work". I told him the issue seems to be that he has two choices: 1) come home and have to 'deal' with his wife and talk to her or 2) stay in the place he is that doesn't seem too great.

He knows I don't want this divorce, but he is not willing to 'deal' with me. I don't mean bargaining kinda deal, just interacting with me. I deserve someone who thinks I am worth the trouble of interacting with.

I did name OW in the papers, that will make him furious. We have a hearing for 1-4-06 to st up the temp support.

I hate this because I know nothing will happen to stop this now. He is not man enough to stop this even if he wanted to. For the rest of his life, I will be that meany exwife that did this to him.

I hate feeling like I am not worth fighting for, but he didn't fight for me when I left. Why would I think he would fight for me now that he has his back up in place keeping his side of the bed warm.

He is a weak and spineless man. And I pity him.

Well Jean it's seems everything is underway. I know it must not be easy for you. But at least you know you and the children will make it without him. I know it's not what you want, but it seems he left you no alternative.
He says "we don't work", meaning he don't work, he's lazy at marriage. How do you think any future R he may have will be like...the same...he will be lazy. It's good you named OW in the papers.

Does he know you went to the lawyers and signed the papers today?

Lady

I called him from the car on my way to the lawyers to sign the papers. He came by a bit ago to take the girls to see some Christmas lights. When he returns, I will give him lawyers name so he can call her to arrange to pick up the papers. When we have talked about the papers before, he said that he would pick them up instead of being served.

I have been sitting here thinking of all the reasons recovery won't happen. I think I would do bodily harm to him if I had to sit here and watch him mope and pout for his long lost love - he would have to do withdrawel somewhere else. I would have terrible trouble trusting the A enablers again, co-worker and boss. I think my family would do bodily harm to me if I took him back. And, right now, I just don't have it in me to try to woo the worthless man back.

D-day was 8/23, I wish I had found this site on 8/22.

Well, now the real fun begins. I gave WH the lawyers card and called him later to confirm that he would pick up the papers. When he realized that the papers did not contain the settlement agreement, he got mad. He doesn't want to pay a lawyer to go to court if nothing is going to happen.

I explained that the first thing that would happen is the temp, order of support, which implies that he will be paying more than he already is. Now, we are cooking with gas. He starts in on how he will not owe me any alimony, I have a degree, he didn't make me stay home, yada yada yada.

I am almost nervous, but not very. I don't think the lawyer would be telling me that I was entitled to stuff that she honestly didn't think I was. Maybe I am wrong. But I was dead on right about one thing, he did say "see, this is why I have to divorce you, you are so unreasonable".

So he says he will have to talk to a lawyer before he picks up the papers. I suggested that he pick up the papers first so he could tell the lawyer what they say - but that would be too practical. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I did get a little mean, he said all he was to me was a p*nis and a paycheck. I let him know I had no interest in his wife swapping contaminated p*nis, and that I would get his paycheck anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He did want you home... to home school....ummmm, did he forget that??

What does he mean by the settlement thing? And what does he mean by if nothing is going to happen?

Okay I promised myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to try to figure your WH out....here I go again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Jean, I would suggest that you do not talk to him about anything concerning the divorce unless lawyers are present from now on.

And I would suggest you have the papers now served to him.

Lady