We are so lucky to have our children!!! More than makes up for a WH!

Kim

Yeah, it just stinks sometimes that they have to look so much like the WS's!!

I used to think that my H probably hated listening to the girls when we were separated. They look just like him, but they talk just like me (well, except for that bovine thing!)

About the respect thing.....Maybe MB's should promote locking that away too - like you suggested. Is there a way to do that? I guess if you can lock away love, you can lock away respect. I better go check & see if I can find the key to my "love box" so I can stick whatever respect I have left for my H in there with it!!

Getting your fish tank going again will be a fun project!! Mine is to actually finish painting the bedroom(I'd say it's half way done....that's awful isn't it?)

Do you have any other New Year's Resolutions??

That is too bad that you DD's look a lot like your WH. That's where the resemblances are gonna stop though!!! They are going to be a product of their mother's actions, beliefs and strengths!!

Kim

It is odd about how they look like WH. I kinda like it though, it does remind me that he was a wonderful person at one time. The kids really have the best of the both of us, and WH's eyes are one of his best features (before his eyes died and he became a lost soul). I look at my DD's and see who he used to be, so that is OK.

I don't do well with resolutions, I have no self discipline. I probably need to work on that whole concept. I really just need to take a serious look at my life and dispose of all the rubbish in it, people and material things.

There are a dozen or so typical resolutions I should make, mostly health related stuff, maybe I could drink water or something constructive. My kids have started drinking water, even at restaurants. I got them a filter pitcher things for the fridge and they just go to town on the water. But if I tell them that I want to drink more water, they will nag me incessently. That is why I don't make public my resolutions, I am undisciplined and don't want to be accountable.

Maybe therapy should be my New Years's goal LOL.

I'm going to stop procrastinating, and get ready for Mom's, ya'll have a great rest of the day.

You too Jean!!

Kim

Really bad day today. For some reason, I am freaking out again. Maybe it is the after Christmas thing or the upcoming court date thing. I have talked to WH for hours today, some enlightening stuff, mostly just more of the same.

I called my sister, crying and whining and she "Lemonman'd me" with some pretty sharp language very unflattering to such a young lady <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> .

I am feeling very lost, I am looking for the high road. I think I mistake the high road for rolling over and taking whatever WH dished out - which I don't want to do.

But he says he has done everything I asked - but come home. I guess I am lucky that he has paid the mortgage. He really knows how to screw with my mind, and I just fall right into it.

I need medication for the obsessive thinking. It has been a very rough day.

But, I checked my thread. It looks like it has been two weeks since I last set myself up for a fall like this. My sister does say that I do seem to have longer stretches of good days in between my bad ones.

Hi Jean,

I know every time you talk to WH, you are hoping some light will shine through him, and a break through will happen. When you don't see that happen, it's disappointing once again. Then you relive the conversation over and over in your mind, sometimes trying to interpret it at all angles....right??

Reading the bible and prayer is the best thing for the obsessive thinking. There is power in the Word to "renew your mind." It does help Jean, Just read a psalm or 2 before bed, say a little prayer that God will help you all sleep sound tonight.

{{{{{Jean}}}}}}

Blessings,
Lady

Thanks Ladysheep,
I didn't really like what you said about me hoping to get some light to shine thru, because I say that I am not doing that anymore. But yes, that is what I am doing. I say I just want answers for my personal growth, but that is a crock of poo. I want him to say that there is no valid reason for what he is doing and he has to continue with it so he won't have to admit he was wrong.

And that ain't gonna happen, never, nada, no way.

There were a few things said today that seemed to make him uncomfortable, I will sit and analyze those things until I realize that I am no closer to the truth. I have never walked away from a puzzle. WH hates my analytical ways and the problem is I am analyzing him now - which is very uncomfortable. I did remind him that my obsessions seem to be very temporary, once I dissect and understand, I move onto the next thing. I just can't move past him until I get this puzzle solved.

Again, completely my choice. Drive myself crazy or find a hobby.

Thanks for the hug.

Here is what I should have learned from yesterday's lesson (but I am sure they won't sink in, so I will write them and see if it helps me retain them)

1. There is no point in replaying the events of the last year, esp the last 4 months with WH looking for clarification. He not only as rewritten history, but he just flat out doesn't remember most of what he has said.

2. We did clearly establish one thing in our conversation, although he wil deny it later if asked. My H really liked me better when I was OM's mistress. He did say I was a different person, living life and stuff. He is right, being with my H seems to have a depressive component for me. Oddly, I like my H when he is with me better than I like him when he is with other women. His moral and standards change depending on who he is banging.

When he is my H, he says he is a stern Republican who hates social services, democrats, we need to close the borders etc. His first GF was a demcratic social worker and his current mistress is a defrauding alien Hmmmmm

3. He has let me know what we are going to fight about-that stupid vacation money. He says it is the "principal" of the matter, I made him lie to his daughters. He will fight me tooth and nail, and I know that because he used the "principal" word. That is code for "I will go to extreme measures to make my point". I did ask about his promise to me about the vacation, he admitted that his promises to me carry less weight at this point.


Now, here is where my brainwashing comes to play. I do think that he wants to do a little bit right by his family to alleviate his guilt. That is where I have to look for the high road. I think I want to fight with him on the settlement because to just give him what he wants feels like rolling over. I really have a hard time thinking about what will be best for me and the girls without factoring in how he will view it. Even on the divorce thing, it seems I am either being a "scorned woman" or a martyr. I just can't figure out reasonable without their being an emotional connotation to it.

Jean,

I also posted this on Eav's thread but I wanted you to see it. Thanks for the lightbulb moment ...
___________________________________________________________
I have to say a lot of what you just said made so much sense.

My WH used my depression as well to justify his A. I withdrew from and he thought I din't love him etc. etc .. blah blah.... Anyhow i am not that person anymore.

But the one thig you said that really sticks out is :



Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if your WH had a hidden camera into your life, would he like what he saw?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I never really thought of anything like that. To be honest they don't have the camera but he has kids who have eyes and ears who tell him everything... Next best thing to a camera. So if on the days I cry and act depressed they tell him then he see's no difference. This is something I am going to have to remember....

Believe it or not Jean that makes so much sense and has turned on a lightbulb in my head......

Thanks Hurting! I appreciate that.

I don't think he knows who he is Jean.


Jean, he is the one responsible now for all. You do not need to feel guilty if you go for a settlement he does not agree too. He was/is the H, he is their father. He needs to provide no matter what, and you should not feel guilty for the price he needs to pay.

You are not scorned nor a matyr. You will have ask and do what is best for you and the children, not WH. He will have to take care of himself with what is left over.
Do not feel guilty.

Lady

Thanks Lady

I am having more peace today. He tries to manipulate me and scare me, and I guess I am just getting a bit bored with that game.

I am able to objectively look at my "perfect life" and honestly, none of the men that my H has pretended to be, none of them fit in my picture.

I am pretty sure my thoughts are just a mental switch that has been flipped. I am just flat out obsessing, no love, no pining, no what-ifs, just obsessing.

I am pretty sure I know my failure in the M and after D-Day. I can live with that.

And honestly, my "perfect life" does not include this house or alimony or anything to do with WH. I will see how much I can get, but if I get nothing, I can walk away clear minded and free from all this nonsense.

It has been a good day.

Jean,

I know it's hard, but try not to feel guilty for what you are asking for. Let the lawyer's duke it out. Your WH is about as stubborn regarding the vacation money as mine is with the refi thing.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy day the other day.....The Holidays sure can put a whipping on ya sometimes. I hope you are feeling better today -

You are not rolling over, you are standing up for what you and the girls deserve. To be taken care of.

Kim

It's pretty normal to think things through Jean, but some of it may be delusional, that's where you don't need to go.
WH is already there, and you don't need to go with him. I told you a long time ago, I can't even figure him out, so I won't try.

Your life isn't perfect, but you and the children will make it through, I just know it. You are tough, Jean. You are a survivor!!

Glad your having good day.

Blessings,
Lady

Thanks Ladysheep and Kim for your support.

Yesterday was a very bad day. It started with This_Hurts thread which just reminded me so much of D-Day. So I carefully examined everything I did wrong after d-day. Then, being the whack job that I am, I called my WH to make sure my list of wrong doings was complete. This went on for about 2 hours.

Something must have snapped in my brain, because after several hours of pacing and freaking out mentally, I ended up trying reach WH again to ask him to watch the kids for a few hours. I just needed to get away and scream or something productive. I couldn't reach him, so I bebop over to the hotel where I get to watch him and OW making out in the parking lot. Please, you have a room, take it upstairs.

So anywho, I left without detection, but we talked later and that was equally unproductive. I could bore you with my analyzations of why OW and WH were making out in the parking lot instead of in the nice cozy room, but, I have to give up my hobby of useless obsessions about this.

Oh, who am I kidding, of course I am going to analyze this crap. OW and WH have to keep their relationship at the level of 12 year olds, text messaging and making out. WH has the madonna/****** complex issue that goes with his narcissism. (I have been reading about the obsessive personalities that mesh so well with the narcissist-that would be me). I have practically begged WH to move in with OW, it would save us a ton of dough on this stupid hotel. But noooo, we can't do that, we are taking it slow.

Taking it slow after you two have broken up two marriages, screwed up four kids' homes, OW has lost her job and is probably going to get deported <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Yeah, take it slow, that will be much less damaging.

They have to take it slow because the first time OW tells him to put down the [email]d@mn[/email] X-box control and take out the garbage - it will all be over. So let's pretend we are 12 for awhile and it will last just like summer vacation.

Now that more time as past, people are starting to open up to me more about WH's history and their true feelings about him. I think people shied away from talking at first, in case we worked it out. I am learning all kinds of things about WH.

Veddy, veddy interesting.

Oh, another thing that I learned (I have to write this stuff down here so I can read it later when I forget). My sister helped me to see me as WH does. When I talk to him trying to get him to see something, he goes into teenage boy mode. He is like a 17 boy who just wrecked his car without auto insurance and he hasn't sent in his college applications and I-being his mother-am nagging him about what is he going to do with his life.

Do you hear the voice of the teacher from "Peanuts" in the back ground? That is me talking to WH.

Oh No!!!! Jean, you didn't need to see that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I understand why you didn't have a good day. And to top it all off you kept digging your pain deeper by calling him.
Okay....What is the definition of "insanity" again???

{{{{{Jean}}}}}

Got it, got it, well, getting it anyway.

But (always a but in there), even though it makes me crazy talking to him, it does help. If I just remembered who I thought he was, I would be all lonely and missing him. Being constantly exposed to who he is this go 'round, it does help. It hurts, I get mad, then I analyze and another chunk falls off my boulder of delusion.

I do feel like if any of our talks ever broke through to him, I would probably run like a banshee. Even the kids are starting to see that. They ask me every once in a while if I would let him come home if he asked. I think they are starting to see the shift also.

And, like my sister said, I seem to be having longer periods in between my bouts of "let me make WH mad at me so he will say crappy things to me so I can not like him anymore".

And oddly, seeing him with her did not give me nightmares or anything. The strongest reaction I had was wondering if she colored her hair or did it just look different in the glow of the overhead car light (she is Asian, black hair, it looked brown last night).

Oh, and the kids and I have watched the televised version of our local Christmas parade so we can watch them marching with the Girl Scouts. WH is in one shot, he looks like a gooberhead on TV too. The girls think its cool that they are on TV though!

Okay, so it seems you are getting a little better and sister see's that. You sabatog yourself every time you call him and talk to him for 2 hrs....you know. You are seeing this aren't you? If you have to talk to him. No sarcasms, no talk about OW's hair, weather they should kiss inside the hotel or not, etc...etc...Just talk about children and finances. This is to protect yourself.

See, through it all, the girls have good memories this Christmas. That is wonderful.

Lady