It's called the Betrayed Spouse Syndrome (BSS).

You know Jean I do the same thing, but I was healed by a psychiatrist the other day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lady

I am certaintly leaning that way. I am really proud that this crap has not sent me into a depressive tailspin, but the obsessive thinking is absolutely wearing me out.

I think I can feel comfortable knowing that I have autopsied this thing way past the point of decomposure. I do feel I have learned about myself and some good things to carry with me. If there was a logical answer or something that I could do to fix this - I would have uncovered it by now.

I need to cut myself some slack and just let this whole darn thing go.

??????/I thought that you were a Wayward SPouse at one time? Must have mixed your story up with someone else. Sorry.

That is true Lemonman. And I even gave WH a chance to dispute my one lie claim. But I did not lie during my A. I told my H I had contacted an old BF's sister, then I let him know that I had talked to the old BF. My H knew that old BF and I were talking often, I had some of these conversations in front of my H. I decided to separate from H and several months later, BF/OM came to town for the first time and he moved here shortly after.

I have asked everyone (friends, family and H) to correct me if I am recalling "foggily", but it does appear that I was pretty upfront about my leaving and the circumstances surrounding it.

If I sound like I am justifying and making excuses, then feel free to give me a whack. This is something that I have analyzed over and over. But H and I did discuss this after his d-day and he does not say that I lied and deceived. Basically, I gave him a play by play trying to get him to ask me to stop.

Well.........got to be honest with you....in the end, I think alot of this is just "semantics". No need to whack you girl. What good will it do for you today?

Goodluck with this. I still think you want to "save" your Cheater, and in this, you'll just drown yourself.

Goodluck.

Happy Holidays.

Lem

No Jean...you know what happened to me. I went to visit my H Psych. for the first time about my H, and I walked out of there healed, and I don't take meds. He definitely has a gift from God.

He was the same Psych. that came and preached at our church, then my H just "happened" to end up with him as his Dr.

The day he was at church preaching, he was annointing with oil.

Pray for healing.

Lady

That is inspiring Lady. I think that is one thing that is messing with me today, kinda another chunk falling from my big delusional hope rock. I am throwing a hissy fit and then I will be fine. A good friend of mine and my BIL were here for awhile tonight. They both know WH for longer than I have and they are very validating (as in WH has lost his mind). But they both give me good 2 x 4's on the reality of my situation.

And yes Lemon, it might be semantics. I did lie on that "foresaking all others" vow. I was a cheat and an adulterer. But I will say I was the most upfront adulterer you will ever come across. Even BIL and WH's buddy admitted that, they were aware of the play by play and wondered why H didn't intervene. Honestly, that is one of the most painful memories. I never tried to hide it or cover it up, I really wanted him to care enough about me to stop it - and he didn't.

And yes, I am still trying to save him. And I will drown if I don't worry about my own a$$ pretty soon.

This has been one of my toughest days in awhile.

Oh Jean....you know me better than this to be able to walk away from this one.

The point was not to call you a "cheat" or call out the fact that you were an "adulterer", but make you see the total innanity of these comments.

It is like the wife beater who says "She knew that I had a temper, and I might hit her if I got mad", "she should have stopped me"...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WTF are you talking about girl?

Rather than blast you for a much deserved 2 X 4 for even typing this statement, I am gonna let it go. I sense your in a tough place tonight. No need to hit ya when your down.

Sorry for the struggles.

Tomorrow will hopefully be better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the well wishes Lemon. I have typed a few responses, but I really am just really screwed up right now.

I have repented for my A, apologized, tried to make it right, and I was a good wife.

So now I have apologized for the other lie. And I did it to elicit a response, which is my big problem.

I hope you have a good holiday Lemon, I do appreciate your responses, I like your style, I need help like yours to break through my little delusional world sometimes.

Feeling calmer and more rational today. Talking to the two men who are good friends of my WH (old buddy and BIL) last night, was very helpful. I am not crazy, this is really just a real screwed up situation.

But it is the same ole, same ole. I will just have to sit still until the Jan 4th hearing so I will have a clue what the next best move is. Everyone tells me to get ready to sell the house. My mental block with that is - I really thought I was married to someone who would live in his truck before his kids lost their house. But, I guess was not married to that type of guy.

I talked to WH briefly this AM regarding the Christmas plans. All he wants is to see the kids open their gifts Christmas morning. He always has them on Sunday, but I had not clarified with him that I am off Sunday and wanted the kids to have their normal Christmas with both their extended families. He is fine with that.

I have talked to work, and after the first of the year I can pick up a couple of extra PRN shifts once the parenting plan is in place. So that wil generate some extra $$ for me. I whine saying I can't work since I don't know when WH will get the kids, my family has said that they will pick up the slack for WH's unpredictable schedule.

Most of my pain and discomfort is caused by my own stubborness and denial. I can deal with anything, I just need to take off the delusion glasses, wake up and smell the coffee.

I am doing a great job not romanticizing past Christmas memories trying to work myself into missing WH. After careful consideration, I only have two Christmas memories about WH that do not involve kids stuff - that make me smile.

Another thing that surprises me, I have no obsessive thoughts about WH and OW cuddled up next to the burning yule log enjoying a cozy Christmas. Part of me just doesn't think that is happening, and the other part knows how hard WH will work to create an illusion that meets his needs. I do know today, that I was not his problem and I know that she is not the answer.

I think I am also realizing that I pine for WH because to not do so, that would make him correct in his dismal assesment of our marriage. If I don't appear heartbroken, then I didn't love him. Now, I did/do love the man that I created in my little delusional brain. I know that I do love WH as he is when he is M to me. BUT, I don't like, much less love, WH when he is with OW or with his previous GF's from the other separation. He does turn into someone else, he can change his ethics depending on who he is banging at the time. And since he has always been such a hard a$$ about his 'character' when he was with me, that change is a phenomena that surprised me.

Anywho... the kids spent the night at my sisters. I spent my evening wrapping gifts and this AM I am making food for today's celebration. The girls and I will do the inlaws today (sans WH) and my family tomorrow. WH will swing by in the AM to see kids open gifts and then be on his merry way. And honestly, it won't be any darn different that it has been any other year. He will just be being an [censored] somewhere besides here while we are off celebrating. And I won't have the stress of packing leftovers to bring home to him!

Well, we made it through the first Christmas Eve sans WH. During the previous seperation, he kept the house since I was the WW, so the kids stayed with him on Christmas Eve. We spent the day at the inlaws and a great time was had by all. Lots of great food, gifts for everyone, lots of card playing... There were 25+ people there. Tomorrow, we will go to my mom's, it is a smaller group.

I sort of dread Christmas morning. WH will come over early, hopefully before the kids wake up. We will have alot of awkward silence to fill. But, we will manage I guess. I am hoping that there are no funky triggers (ie OW's handwriting on the gift tags or anything like that). But, hopefully, we (mostly me) can just suck it up and go with the flow. As long as I don't do anything that could be perceived as an attempt to make him feel guilty, we get along fine.

Merry Christmas to all MBers

thanks for the christmas wishes jean

i hope all goes well in the morning!!

Good Morning Jean -

How did things go for you? I hope o.k. ----Merry Christmas to you!

Kim

Merry Christmas All!

WH just left. He got here at 5:30 AM, my phone rang and he was on the front porch. We had about two hours of awkward conversation. Honestly, everything he says is something I want to give some smart aleck answer back to, but I refrained. We did have some Divorce conversations. I have realized that he won't be spending Christmas morning with us once he starts breeding with OW and we will need to work out a Christmas schedule (this possibility seemed to have never crossed his mind). We kept it pretty light, talked about the house and some money stuff, basic light Christmas small talk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The basic gist I got from the conversation was he has no freaking clue what he is doing, he has no plan, no goals, nothing. This is slightly surprising, but that is part of the delusion I have about my H, that he really does think things through. Nope, never has, he is just riding by the seat of his pants. So, I know that I do need to be the grown up here.

The kids woke up, they had a great time. They played with their stuff and then WH left. He is going to do laundry now. (He has this strange habit of always telling me that he is going to do laundry) I wished him well at the laundrymat and avoided any reference or inquiry as to why his little dry cleaning honey won't handle the laundry sitch for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I did ask (before the kids woke up) if we would need to rush the D for his upcoming green card marriage (I asked much more tactfully than that). He has no intentions of doing anything, she is looking for a new employment sponser. I guess her STBXH won't let her work at his business anymore.

But, he is gone, and now we can relax and have some fun. The kids seemed pretty unfazed by his presence and his departure.

I do kinda feel sorry for him, but I'll get over it.

Jean -

Sounds like you did pretty good. Geez. 2 hours of alone time with WH. I don't know how I could have handled that.

I don't think my WH has a plan either. Funny how the WH just flys by the seat of their pants(and think with the goods in their pants too! that was mean, huh?)

Sounds like you are doing fine and that you can enjoy the rest of the day. Hope you have a wonderful time with your family.

Kim

It was pretty weird. Every attempt at harmless small talk just bombed (part of that I don't even know who he is anymore thing).

My mom's car that she is loaning me is parked in the driveway-he asked if I got a new car (yeah hon, I am just rolling in the dough here). I really think I kept my end of the convo pretty "diggless". (He says everything I say is a dig). My stance was a very diplomatic "I accept that this is what life is handing me, now how do we make the most of it for everyone involved" and his stance was more of a "I have no idea what is happening, how I got here or where I am going, but I will make no effort to change my course in life".

So, OK, I hope that works for you. But, it helped me to see that I need to step up to the plate and take the bull by the horns. Since he likes to claim I am the control freak, I guess it is time I get control and give him his instructions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I had no pangs, no warm fuzzies, I did not enjoy his being here at all. The only noteworthy thing was him leaving the toilet seat up. I have known him for 15 years, and he has never left the seat up. Just one more feature I really don't like about OW's boyfriend.

I just overheard that magical quote that parents long to hear on Christmas morning

My 8yo just said to her sister:
"Thanks sissy, that was just the bovine that I wanted!"

Ahhh, my kids are so warped, what other kids thinks Tractor Supply is better than Toys'R Us

But I do love them soooo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, you got through that one. I'm having a nice Christmas because I DON'T have to deal with my WH.

I'm enjoying a laid back day - my sons are surfing, the turkey's in the oven, everyone is sitting around snacking. I got a new fish for Christmas, and even cleaned the acquarium.

Cool - new fish. I have an empty 50gal tank sitting behind the tree. That is one of my resolutions once the tree comes down, finally get that tank up and running.

Enjoy your day!