Jean- sorry you had to see them rutting. Too bad you didnt do what I would have done- called the police with a tip about a man in a hotel parking lot with a hooker.

Jean, yes you screwed up in your marriage. You made lousy choices and I think you own them. I do not believe you blame your WH for your A. You did what any caring FWW would do after your D-day and seperation-- you tried to fix yourself and work on the marriage. You've put in your time and you paid your dues. I'm a little mad you gave your WH another chance to villify you on the phone. I understand it, I do, but really hope you never put yourself in that place again. YOU DID YOUR WORK. You do not deserve to be continually kicked. Stop allowing him the chance. I think a part of you is blaming yourself for today because you did this awful thing first.

Your continuing to talk to him is actually HURTING you, Jean. That chunk of delusion you say you are losing also contain pieces of love for the husband you have lost. PLEASE STOP-- that is, if you really are in for the long haul.

Yeah, the girls had a great Christmas, they said they got everything they wanted plus stuff they didn't even know existed! They really are doing better. OD is doing great, the melt downs have stopped for now, that makes YD happy too. YD was more affected by losing her happy sister than she was about losing her dad.

And hopefully, I am done talking for awhile to him. I gathered all the info today and dropped it off at the lawyers. I wrote her a note saying it does not appear that we will be able to agree on the temp support issue so we will need to proceed with court.

I am much closer to making a logical decision regarding the house. I need to talk to the IRS myself about the taxes and I need to gather a little more info to counter any arguements that WH may have. He may be all gooey-eyed right now, but I am getting pretty focused.

Thanks Mojo,

I probably need to change that long haul thing. I know it will be a long haul for my WH, but I am most likely getting off the bus.

And I appreciate your comments regarding my WW status. I do carry alot of guilt and do not feel entitled to the same recovery as most BS's. And it is weird, WH completely blames me for his A and the failure to recover (because I was still mad after two weeks). He also admits that I never blamed him for my A, he says other people did, but he admits that I have never said that he caused it. He blames me for his A, has a laundry list of how I caused it, from what I like to read to the mess of homeschooling stuff on the kitchen table.

Well...didn't you know that men that don't have a clean kitchen table go out an have affairs?

Jean, I'm glad you are feeling better focused, you will need to be for the upcoming court.

Sweet Dreams,
Lady

Oooh Jean, sorry you had to see aliens in action. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Btw, that wasn't affection or love you saw but pure puke. Pretend kissing at best, more like making a facade of a makeout. LOL!!!! They can't even get it right at their age. Oh well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Don't fret, you have seen what most of us have had nightmares on, yet you lived to tell 'bout it. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Bet if you got a closer look, you'd find all the wrong way and positions/styles he has adopted trying to kiss an freakin' alien. LOL!!!

Ok, 'nuff 'bout the creature from outer space.

Back to earth, u & the girls. Glad the little ones are doing better. Your moving ahead will help them heal also. This will cause the WS t/b left in the dust and expect t/b blamed for that also. When he does, tell him yes and thanks for the compliment. Yep, love that reverse babble. Now go practice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

It does confuse me as to why I am not tormented by the mental images. Even after he confessed the PA, it just never really bothered me. And the kiss I saw, frankly, it looked stupid too, like two 12 year olds.

I had a boyfriend cheat on me when I was 18, and the mental images were just devestating (that OW had the same name as this one - boggles the mind).

Honestly, my lack of respect for this A does seem to cause trouble. My feelings that the whole thing is just stupid, I am sure that carries over with my attitude towards WH. It does confuse me as to why they do not spend the night together. It does not make sense that a man should have less SF with his mistress than he did with his wife. I see no point in both of us being celibate.

But, I do know that I put way too much emphasis on SF in a relationship. I assume that SF is a barometer for marital happiness. When our SF life stunk, I was miserable. So when we were SFing everyday, I assumed (wrongly) that we were happy.

Oh well, live and learn.

They may not be spending the night together because WH cannot perform. Just another wicked, wicked thought from me.

Funny that you should mention that. Like I have said, people are more forthcoming with info now than they were at the beginning. The more I learn, the more questions I have about who my H ever really was.

I am getting to the point that I would not believe a word he says without hypnosis or a lie detector test.

I did call WH today to check and make sure he was keeping the kids Saturday night. I had no intentions of engaging myself in any crap, so I didn't ask how his attorney thing went yesterday. But since New Years Eve is on Sat (his usual night with kids) I did want to confirm.

He is keeping the kids, he has no plans.

That makes me crazy. Could he please have a normal affair where they have to be up each other a$$ every waking moment because they are so in loooove <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Oh good....so you can go out and have a good time Saturday night!! Perfect!!

Lady

Well sure I could go out and have a good time on New Year's Eve, but wouldn't sitting at home obsessing about why my WH is spending another holiday without OW, wouldn't that be more fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Make sure you are DRESSED TO THE NINES during the kids switch. Even if you're headed to Barnes & Noble to stick your nose in a book.

OOOOO!! Great idea mojo!! Jean - DO IT!!!

Kim

Actually, I have looked pretty good everytime he picks up the kids (except for Christmas AM when he called me from the front porch at 5AM). And usually, when he leaves with the kids, I grab my purse and leave right behind him, dressed in non housewife clothes.

I keep the house clean, paying special attention to any areas that he will see. I do try to keep him contained to the living room as I do not want to have to worry about him snooping around. There have been a few improvements to the house since his departure.

His main problem with me is me needing to understand our problems. He thinks me and OD just need to get over it (yeah, he says that to his 8yo daughter).

On the phone, I am pretty reasonable except when dealing with affair or divorce crap. As long as we talk about the kids, I am fine. But, he is pretty distant on the kids thing too. If I say anything other than "the kids are doing great!", he thinks I am trying to make him feel guilty.

His list of reasons to stay gone is pretty long, and my list of reasons why I want him home is getting shorter and shorter.

Ha Ha, I am very slow, I just realized that "dressed to the nines" was as in "I am going out for New Years Eve". The only thing he will miss about me on NYE is that I was always the designated driver (I don't drink at all), that is my only selling point.

But, that whole thing got my mental hamsters turning and I will dump my obsessive thoughts here and not act on them. I had the urge to call WH and ask him for fashion tips. Which would put him in a position to admit that he has never found me physically attractive. OK, so let me just hit my thunb with a hammer, ok that hurts, now I don't have to call WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now, I could sit here and wonder if it would bother him at all, thinking of me "on the market", so to speak. And that answer would be-no. And I know this because during our separation, my H and the OM were pretty chummy, worked together on occasion (WH is self employed and when he needed an extra set of hands - he would call OM). H actually talked to OM about our marriage, that just seems really weird to me.

The whole thing just seems to show that WH has never been able to see me as a romantic partner. He just doesn't understand why this whole thing is so difficult on me, when he was so cool about me leaving.

Oh well, I must be getting better, I don't have the gumption to analyze any deeper than that today. But, I do not feel the need to call WH and make sure that he think I am ugly - so that is good. Because to call him would either be an effort to have him be mean to me, or to make him feel guilty for attacking my self esteem. And I don't need to do that today.

That should be my New Years resolution. Just hit my thumb with a hammer when I want to call WH.

I still don't get why WH and OW are not spending NYE together, but I really don't get anything he does.

I am fighting the urge to contact OWH's and asking about the divorce thing and trying to get dirt on OW. I heard from another Asian with immigrations knowledge and she said the chance of OW getting her papers are pretty slim since she has already been turned down once.

But then the reality becomes a slew of women coming in and out of WH's life and my kids having to see that. My WH will become his father and he will hate himself for that.

Uneventful weekend, WH picked up the kids Saturday afternoon. I didn't bother calling the kids as per my routine, I figured I'd give WH a break from having to see my name on the caller ID. He has started griping to the kids about how much he doesn't like to talk to mom on the phone.

This evening, he drops the kids off, asked me to talk. I say, if he is going to yell at me, he can call me from the car. He says he won't yell. He said he can get an apartment this week, but he needs to give the guy some cash. So he will either have to pay the apartment guy or the lawyer for Wednesday - can we do this out of court.

I tell him, for my emotional well being, I need to proceed with court. As he maintains that he is "doing me a favor" by letting me live here, I would be a fool to have my security based on the whims of his generosity.

Of course, that made him mad. Now he can't get his apartment because his mean ole wifey is making him go to court to deal with this pesky little divorce since he won't give up his mistress - mean ole wifey, bad bad woman. (Let's overlook the fact that he begged me not to file papers when he left 3 months ago, until he got better situated. I am thinking, 3 days before court, now he wants to get situated??)

So anyway, he is mad, big surprise. Then the girls start telling me about their evening with dad. WH has told them all the wonderful virtues of OW, she plays piano, loves animals, made him a rug, their song topped the charts for the year....

I handled that pretty well, I listened, did not get upset. I just said that I am sure Dad speaks highly of her as he would not fall in love with an ogre. But, they still cannot meet her as married people don't have BF's and GF's and once we are divorced, they can meet her. All in all, that was just a crappy component to this whole mess, but I think I handled it well. OD does not want to meet her until WH is sure she is a keeper, as OD can see that WH has been "googly eyed" about several woman in her lifetime.

I am sure that WH spent the evening extoling the virtues of OW just to get my goat, since I called Thursday to ensure that he and the little woman would not be gazing into each other's eyes at NYE in front of our children.

Stonehenge, crop circles and my WH - things I just don't understand and have to learn to let go of trying to figure out.

Jean

maybe you could ask your children not to share information about OW with you because it hurts too much?

I have tried to let the girls know they can tell me anything, I really don't like secrets. I just try to not react, let them know I am a safe person to talk to. After several minutes of hearing how great OW is, I did ask them not to keep repeating the info, I get it-Dad thinks she is great.

Honestly, it is just par for the course. I've been through this before. WH is a typical Disney Dad so any woman in his life is a Disney princess. His previous GF's worked very hard to woo the girls. It did get hard to listen to, but, I was the WW and OM was involved and I am sure that H had to listen to the other side of it too.

At this point, I am sure that WH just wishes I would start dating - I am sure he thinks that would chill me out and level the playing field.

Really, this is just a crappy part of divorce. I will always be the heavy in the kids eyes, I am the one that makes them do school work and brush their teeth. Everyone else is more fun than mom. But, no matter how fun WH, OM, OW are, none of them are mom.

It just makes me sad that he needs to cram this down their throats, I have let him know what the counselor says about it - he just needs someone on his side so badly.

Really bummed today, two days until our first court date and I am trying to get OK with all this.

I am trying to think of things I can do that will make me proud of myself. I can maintain, I can survive, but what can I do to make Jean proud of Jean.

My mom wants to go to court with me. She doesn't really care for my H, he has always been an a$$ to her. But she does understand the process of divorcing someone you still love. My father was very physically abusive to my mom, but when they divorced, she still loved him. Maybe that is where I get my dysfunctional loyalty from.

I am even entertaining the notion that OW and WH may be the "real deal", although that is strictly and emotional reaction and has no fact or logic basis at all.

I just keep replaying everything that WH has said, not about me or OW, I don't think he is clear enough about those issues. But I replay the things he has said about himself, maybe those have some validity:

1. My promises to you hold very little weight at this point.

2. I can't be with you if I'm going to have to be wrong about this A (said 4 days after D-Day)

3. I only reconciled because I was scared to be alone, then I met OW and knew I wouldn't have to be alone.

4. I'll kick you out of my house you stupid psycho.

Not a good day over here...

i'm so sorry that you are feeling this way today Jean. I am feeling worried that my H and OW may be "the real deal" too. maybe everyine thinks that when they are having trouble staying hopeful. I made a list of reason why i should be hopeful on my thread and i'm hoping that people add to it because this waiting is making me crazier than i usuaully am!

I'm glad that you will have your mother there to support you when you go to court.