yeah mine is being very hateful as well Jean.....

guess thats the only way they can deal with the guilt of what they have done. Stupid WH'S.......

We had an interesting little stand off this weekend. I was taking the kids to Grandma's for the swap and she called and said asked me to bring their bathing suits. I said that I would be a tad late for the swap as I had to run back home and get them. So, I get to Grandmas and WH is already there. Since I have decided it is not my job to avoid him, it is his job to avoid me (he is the one that has asked for me to stay away from him) so I bebop on inside.

I did ask him when that amicable coparenting stuff could start. He immediately got very nasty and is very angry that I contacted his boss needing a statement about WH's income. So as long as I do not give him exactly the D he has requested, under his terms, he refuses to fake coparenting with me.

He also had to work both Sat and Sun so the kids were being babysat by his boss's wife. I did mention that we should have first right of refusal, meaning that if we need a babysitter, the other parent gets first dibs. That made him mad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So Sunday, I left a note with grandma to pass on to WH. Very calmly stating my desire for him to move past his anger so we can limit the damage to the children and coparent civilly. I have no expectations that the letter will do any good. I am not doing anything if I have emotional expectations tied up in it. So I guess I only do stuff if I am indifferent to the result (doesn't sound like a very productive code of conduct when I type it out). But as far as dealing with WH, that method gives me peace. I throw out a bone then walk away, not caring whether he fetches or not.

He is letting the kids call when they are with him, so that is a positive change. He wants to know why this D is taking so long, which I find amusing as he has not done any of the work required to make it happen. I am not going to rush the process. I have the temp order, I am good for the time being. If he wants it over with, he needs to make me an offer I cannot refuse.

Sometimes I am really surprised at my reactions to stuff. For this weekends schedule, WH and I were still using Grandma as a mediator (per WH insistance). Well, the girls plan have changed due to the weather and I needed to let WH know he could have them earlier. I called Grandma, she called WH and WH said he would call me tomorrow regarding a new pick up time (if that was OK with me) I let Grandma know that it was his rule that I not speak to him - not mine, so he was free to call anytime.

After I got off the phone with Grandma, I got that lump in my throat. I don't know how to deal with him at all. I thought it was stupid for us to have to use a third party for the schedule, but I didn't realize how nice it has been not having to deal with WH.

I bought him his favorite movie that has just been released on DVD. I don't know why, I just am used to picking stuff up for him when I see it. I thought about maybe letting the kids give it to him for Valentines Day. But he would probably see that as some sort of mental guilt trip as the movie is obviously something I picked out for him.

I may do it anyway, just throw out the bone and not wait to see if he fetches or not. I'll have the kids make him some cute cards and put the movie with them.

It is just weird, I don't want to coparent amicably right now, I just wanted to say I did so he would look like a gooberhead for refusing. Everything has just been at a stand still for so long, it is weird to think of interacting with him. Maybe I can Carrot and Stick a little, throw in some solid plan A. I have never gone to plan B since I have not had a chance to do any plan Aing.

But I don't know if I want him back. But, what will it hurt to be pleasant and cheerful around him - right? Throw out the bone and don't worry about him fetching it.

I don't know if I want him, but it would be nice to have the choice. Of course, I am giving this way to much thought, he just said he would call to let me know what time he can get the kids. I am just letting my hamster wheels turn for no reason.

jean...


Yes, I feel the same way. I don't know if I want H back or not at this point, but it would be nice to be the one to make that choice. As is, he still sticks it to me, with his I told you I don't want to get back together.....I really want to throw it back in his face, "I don't even know if you are worth the trouble"....but I will not.

Take care jean....hope it goes well when he calls.....

Daisy

jean,

Just stay strong and pleasant when he calls.

I really don't have any advice to give seeing how i am such a mess myself right now and really don't know what to say or do.

Take Care,

Hurting

Thanks Guys,

It is just weird to think of speaking to him at all. I did have a brief convo with him last Saturday, the first time we had spoken to each other since New Years Day. And then I left him the note and I didn't call him at all this week (i haven't been calling him at all, but I bet he was surprised that once I 'broke the code of silence', that I didn't keep pushing).

It is odd though, there is no reason for him to call me directly tomorrow as Grandma is available to mediate. So this is a change in our situation. But, I don't have to have any unpleasant interactions with him, we can go back to having Grandma mediate if needed.

I realized that I stopped asking God to restore my family, if he ever wanted to come home, it would really mess up my head. Me and the kids are getting by fine, my fog is lifting in regards to what kind of man he is, I do pity him.

It is still not snowing here, but they have cancelled our girl scouts sleepover for tomorrow anyway.

I bought myself a new CD (I never ever do that). "The Essential Willie Nelson Collection", maybe I will listen to it some this weekend - I never play music, I need to do that more often.

Ahh well, a complete waste of mental hamster exercise. WH told Grandma he would call me in the AM to let me know when he will pick up the kids, it is 7:30 PM and I haven't heard a word.

Luckily, I did not tell the kids WH was coming to get them today, I don't like to tell them stuff that I can't control. I called Grandma, just to confirm that I had the message straight and she was shocked that the kids are still here and I haven't heard from him.

I am not.

Jean,

I thought as much would happen. It is sadly the case, that we have a tendency to read way to much into their statement........What a waste of energy. That is what I figured out finally. It did not make sense to analyze H's actions anymore, and to somehow interpret his actions towards me as meaning he still wanted to be with me.....what a waste of time.

Daisy

Hi Jean -

Just saying hello --- Haven't been able to keep up with you as my computer/internet have been CRAZY.

I have been listening to more music lately too.....Music really can lift the soul.

You and the girls take care -

Kim

Hey Kim and Daisy,

I am surprised that no contact has been made today, either through a third party or directly. It is funny, there is that part of me that still says, when my H says he is going to do it-he does it.

I have to work tomorrow, we'll see if he contacts me to get the kids so I can work. Maybe I should start keeping track of all the times I find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt, a reality check would do me good sometimes.

Jean -

What if he doesn't show? Is there someone else who can watch the kids?

I hope he comes through for you.....

Kim

WH said he completely forgot about calling yesterday and getting the kids early. So weird, he only had to remember for 12 hours or so, gotta love that fog brain. He can't seem to remember to bring me a support check on time either, every week he has forgotten and brings it later.

But the kids had a good day, he took them to the build a bear workshop. He wants them for Valentine's Day dinner. So that makes Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve and now Valentine Day that he has not spent with OW - I find that very odd. Maybe he is getting her acclimated to neglect from the get go.

Happy Valentine's Day !!

The kids have been making WH V-day cards, hopefully he will pick them up for dinner tonight.

A creepy funny thing - WH took them to build-a-bear and he recorded his voice into the bears' soundboxes. So I keep hearing WH's telling the kids "I love you" , kinda creepy hearing him in the house.

OW and OWH's divorce will be final soon. My inner peace meter is a little out of kilter today and I want some kind of revenge. I keep telling myself that her being with the man that WH has become is revenge enough. But it is not working so well today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Sorry to hear that Jean....Try to keep your mind on other things, as hard as it might be. Who knows what the future holds for those two, but we know it can't possibly be a happy one.

Lady

Thanks Ladysheep,

I thought about writing OW one of those letters you never send, just to put my feelings on paper, but I just don't have anything to say to her.

I think what bothers me the most, is I don't want WH to be the kind of guy who can live happily ever after with her from where they started out. When I was a WW, I was to consumed with guilt and shame, I would have never been able to get to happily ever after on that path.

I think I may be jealous of people who don't have to be so introspective and can just do whatever feels good. I know that in the long run, I will be better off. The path of a FWW who is repentant has got to end up in a better space than that of an active WS.

Absolutely nothing is changing on the wayward front. Me and the girls are having some interesting changes happening though.

Last night, my YD cried about Daddy for the first time in a very very long time. She misses her "fun daddy" and the guy that looks like daddy is not fun anymore. OD is doing very well, she is still angry and still hopes she can manipulate WH in to coming home. But she is having fewer outburst and seems to be dealing very well. YD must be having some sort of delayed reaction to all this. She really never seemed terribly bothered by his absence.

Last week, I took the girls to the playground at the place we lived during the last separation. They really missed that place and they said we were so happy then and that I never should have come back to Daddy. They would like to sell the house and move back there and be happy like we used to be.

It made me realize a few things. On the legal front, I have been very concerned with Fair and Justice and all that high horse stuff. But what I really want is just peace and happiness and I need to get my life back to that and stop worrying about justice.

WH is coming to the house now for kid drop offs, but we still go through Grandma for communication. I am not pushing the communication issue. I just don't really care to speak to him since he is still out of his mind.

I do consider myself to be in plan A, I still have not been able to deposit enough to go to plan B. He plan B'd me for a few months but now he has chilled out a little about that. I am just cheerful and reasonable and am not giving him anything at all to feel negative about in association with me. It is not my job to make him feel guilty.

I am in a pretty good place.

Still no major changes. I am trying to get happy about the divorce. I should be very glad to be rid of WH and can see the advantages to getting rid of H, period. We seem to be at a stand still on the divorce, as neither of us seem to want to waste time putting together a settlement offer that the other will just chew up and spit out.

He is allowing me to call him directly for kid issues (yeah for me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). I want to be able to plan A him in our limited dealings BUT speaking to him makes me physically ill. I actually get sick at my stomach when I hear his voice.

I am very, very fortunate to have such a supportive group of friends and family members. They still have no patience with me when I am in a mourning WH mood. I guess I never realized how much people merely tolerated him strictly for my benefit. I seem to be the last person to realize how unlikeable he has always been, even before being abducted by the wayward mother ship.

Jean-

Hi!



At least that's giving you more time to try to Plan A him some more.....

Hugs to you and your girls! I can tell they love their Mom very much!!!

Kim

Hey Kim,
I have been following your situation, I am rooting for you, but tread carefully.

I am really starting to think that I don't want WH (or even H) back. I think I just really want him to want me. I have said since D-Day that I really just find this whole thing so insulting.

The kids are doing pretty good. OD is much better and YD is starting to express her dissapointment in her dad. She is starting to realize that not only is he out of the house, but the man she knew seems to have exited the universe.

Sunday nights and Mondays are still a booger. They just don't sleep well at their dads. They did not wake up this AM until 10:00. They are pretty fried after being with him, especially when he has them for 2 nights.

I am getting to the point where I would probably freak out if he wanted to come back. I would want to want him back, but I don't. I really don't think he has what it takes. I think I would feel like I was settling and I know I would always think he settled for me.

And I have finally figured out that I am too good to be settled for. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />