Jean,

I am sorry today was bad for you. Those aliens really don't think straight thats f or sure....


Take care.

Hurting

Hey, I just got off the phone with OW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I called and left a message and she actually called me back. My objective for the conversation was this message: Since she continues to see my husband, we will probably cross paths at some point. So far, all I know about her is that she is a wh0re and I can't imagine what WH has told her about me. So it would seem that we would need to open to the idea that there is more to the package than the adulterous OW and the b!tchy exwife.

Hummm, she was not terribly receptive. She felt insulted by my quick recap of things. She said I was just focusing on the adultery part - which was precisely my point, that is all I know about her.

She says she is still on the fence about her future with WH and that she had never thought about the evil exwife always being in their lives.

Ahhh, to be young and in love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Here is the follow up letter I am thinking of sending to OW:

OW,

I appreciate the time you took to speak with me Monday. My objective was to try to see each others as humans, and not just the terrible things I am sure we think of each other. I did not intend to make you feel uncomfortable or guilty, I assume that you and WH have been able to work through your guilt to continue your relationship.

I was surprised to hear that you have doubts about your future with WH, as so much damage has already been done. I do hope that the pain everyone has experienced has not been for nothing.

I hope you can understand that I am trying to look into the future at you and I having to interact. You were not invited into my life by me, that is a decision that the children and I had no input on. But I am trying to make my plans for the future and it appears that you may be a part of our lives.

I understand that this probably makes WH angry, thinking I am trying to control the timeline. But, like I said, I didn’t invite this into our lives, I am trying to move around it. I realize I have no control except how I deal with the situation that has been handed to me.

I am not sure what it is that you feel I have done to you. Surely you can understand that I tried to protect my family from this affair. And since those efforts failed, I am trying to move forward with the girls with the least damage possible.

I know that you don’t see me as a human being, just whatever monster WH has painted me as. I hope you never find yourself in this position as a betrayed wife, but if you do, you will surely understand some of my actions.

Again, I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me.

Sincerely,
BS

**bumping in hopes that Orchid will comment on your letter**

Jean -

You go girl! Calling OW!! OMG! I wished I could have been a fly on the wall at OW's!!

Orchid has some great ideas for stuff like this. But, it's more of a way to cause LB's from afar for OW and WH.

Kim

I did a little long distance LBing.

BS: I guess you know what WH and I argued about last night
OW: No, he wouldn't tell me
BS (I gave her the condensed version of how do two adulterers sit in church playing footsy)
BS: I did ask him if he would like our daughters to aspire to be like you
OW: You ask him that? What did he say??
BS: Oh, you two should talk about things like that, I'll let him tell you.



I still haven't stamped the envelope yet, I am assuming someone will talk me out of sending it. My sister and a buddy think I have lost my mind.

Jean!!!!!!!!!! I am laughing so hard right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hope Orchid catches your thread.......

I don't think I would send it, but you know how I am........Not quite as brave as you!

Kim

I don't think it is brave. At this point I am just shaking trees to see what will fall out!

OW said she just hadn't thought about having to deal with an exwife when she hooked up with a married man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> If she is on the fence about WH at all, maybe this will shake it around a little.

And if they do end up living happily ever after, I will know that I did extend some kind of hand of decency to the troll.

Jean, you've got some guts!! I can't imagine being able to confront the OW in the calm way you described while still being able to throw in some LBs from afar for OW and WH to chew over. Sometimes I would what I would say/do if I ever ran into my WH's OW. I have nightmares about her, believe it or not!

Hey, maybe OW will dump your WH. Just like mine did!! I guess it's unlikely since she is D'd now......You never know though!!!

Well, I think it's brave.

So OW thinks that she and WH will just ride off into the sunset together??

You did more than I would ever do....offering "peace" to the troll.

Kim

I did have a little fun with the "Wow, I am surprised you two haven't talked about that yet...." It seems there is not alot that they DO talk about. I let her know that it was confusing to me that she would not tell WH the details of her divorce (Which let her know that I did know the details and I knew that she would not tell him - a little, there is still stuff that I know about WH that you don't, he still confides stuff with me)

I told her I was concerned about her ability to respect my children as she had shown no repsect for my family. I was concerned about OW/WH future children badmouthing me in front of my kids, etc. Just a whole lot of stuff that she had not thought about.

I told her that I was not very familar with the rules of her culture, but I was trying to learn. So far, the input has been shock that OW would be carrying on like this (So I am trying to understand you and exposing you to people and you don't know who all I have talked to)

Oh well, we will see how this pans out. I think I am getting ansy since our 90 days is up. We can be divorced as soon as we can agree on something. I have asked WH to sit down with me so we can make a list of what we do agree on, and build from there. I have gotten no response from him so far. I asked OW to ask him to call me, but I haven't heard a peep yet. So he will be expecting me to keep calling them. If I don't do anything, he will really start to worry about what I am up to.

Oh, and big surprise, she is still working at her now exH's business.

Bump for orchid

Wow.... I think the talk was good but the letter would fall on deaf ears..... OW's can't read and talk in sync. LOL!!!

Knowing that she is an adulterous, you have to give it time for those words to sink in. Culture wise, your words may have a bigger impact than you think. Those Asians like to analyze. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You made your point, IMHO better to step back and let it really sink in. I think you did great. Don't expect a good reaction though. They are still rewriting history.

JMHO,
L.

I liked the idea of the letter since she could show it to WH and who ever else she is trying to convince that I am evil and must be destoyed.

Plus, I would want to mail it tomorrow, as a sincere thanks for the time she took to return my call.

I liked the letter idea also until I remember WHO you were sending it to and then all that effort seemed futile. But the choice is yours. I can tell you that the e-mails I sent the OW fell on deaf ears full of wax. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

As for any sincere thanks....just know sincerity isn't even in their vocabulary. So while u r sincere, you think that thought would even cross an OW's mind? Ooopsss. she doesn't have a mind, just a hole in her head. LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

My feelings this AM are proletter. I have examed my motives. I am really NOT trying to illicit any type of response from OW or WH. This is about me and my future.

A buddy told me last night that I was just adding fuel to WH anger. I am not going to tip toe around his temper any more. I am opening a door of communication with someone he has forced into my life.

OD also knows that I talked to OW and she did read a little of the letter over my shoulder. She said I sounded very nice and polite. She was surprised that there was no anger in the note. I think it will be good for her to see that we can't carry this anger with us forever.

I don't expect any type of reply, I am not inviting them over for pot luck. I just want as much truthful information out there as possible.

Well the letter went out with the mail today. I have very clearly thought about motives and objectives and I am sure that I have none. This was about me reclaiming who I am in all this mess. Maybe like the victim statement in a sentencing for criminals.

OW knew about me, she made the choice to disrupt my life, I did not invite her in. So, here I am!

I respect your decision because I respect you.

All the best,
L.

Thanks for the compliment Orchid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am feeling pretty darn good. There has been no fallout from the call or letter yet. I am sure that WH thinks I did it because he won't return my calls, so he is not going to encourage my bad behavior by calling me. But, I did not do it to get a rise out of him, so him not calling is good.

The grass is growing and I need to figure out what to do for a lawn mower. WH was paying mucho $$ to have the yard done, I won't be able to afford that. I hate to go into debt for a new mower, epecially since I don't know if I will be staying in the house.

The high point of my Wednesday is watching the trash guy dump the trash can in the truck. Every Tuesday, I just have the biggest time filling that bad boy up to the rim. I am really wanting to reclaim my life and my space.

The girls are doing pretty good. OD is afraid to love anything because she is afraid of loss. My sister needs a foster family for her fish while she is moving. OD agreed to take them in, she hopes it will help her with her fears. YD is good, still very defiant and feeling like she is not being heard unless she is yelling. But we are working on that. I am working on hearing her better before she starts yelling.

It is starting to feel pretty good around here.

Interesting mental stuff going on in my little hamster cage. Since WH will not return my messages, I asked MIL to call him to see what time he is getting the kids today. He was very short with her and it seems there may have been some shift after my phone call to OW. Maybe, OW and him are having trouble and my speaking to her did cause a fence shift (on OW's part, not WH).

When I realized that OW may very well dump him, I started to freak out a little. I wanted to call and apologize for meddling in his affair again. I don't think I want them to stop the affair, as long as WH stays on that side of the fence, it makes my life easier.

I am terrified of recovery at this point. Well, not recovery but the process of getting there. I want to be able to say I did all I could, but I think I am really scared of testing that. I feel wimpy and undedicated to the cause. That might be a good thing, because I think my WH may be a total waste. But I really want to feel that I "earned my way out of the marriage" (per Dr Phil).

Of course, this is just my mental hamsters churning away, I really have no idea what is going on in the wayward camp. And I don't assume that I would be WH's default choice if he and OW part ways. And I know I don't want to be the default choice, I want to be the grand prize, not the parting gift.