Feeling pretty good, I have had several weeks of a low grade gloominess, but it seems to be passing finally. WH has the kids this weekend, he looks and sounds like dog doo again. I feel very happy and perky in comparison to WH. I am ususally the epitome of non perky, so WH is looking pretty rough!

I talked to my lawyer about the status and my little "post nup" thing I wrote. The legal situation really frustrates me. She said, if I drop the D, the court will assume there has been forgiveness of the A and I can't divorce him later on adultery. My theory is I'll forgive him when he stops it. I can forgive yesterdays A, drop the D and when he sleeps with her tomorrow-that is a whole new ball of wax. But, the legal system doesn't see it my way. She did say that even if the year runs out, we can just ask for an extension on the D. So there is no reason to drop the D. If I can get him to agree to some issues with the house and the contents, I can just ride it out.

The reason I want to drop the D is I want him to divorce me. I want him to stand up and say "This is what I want and this is what I am going to do to make it happen". But, that is me trying to force him to play grown up. And me trying to get him to do anything is futile.

So I wait...

Somehow, I have been able to shift my mood by just letting myself feel love for WH and being comfortable with the fact that he feels no love for me. They say the joy is in the gift giving, so I will just be pleased that I love my husband and go on my merry way. So I love me, I love him, I love the kids, I am just a big ole ball o'love!

So then I analyze the whole EN's thing. I am just feeling all this love, perfectly content and not having any of my EN's met by an external source. So I don't believe that unmet needs cause affairs. I think unmet needs cause a "hunger", begin a searching process. When I have had periods of unmet needs before, I dug a large pond, that satisfied my hunger. Next time I got hungry, I didn't pick up my shovel, I picked up the phone and unfortunately, OM was available.

I get frustrated because I still don't know what WH's unmet need was that made him hungry. He can't tell me, no one on the outside has any theory, no one had any idea that he wasn't happy. And he sure doesn't look satisfied now, so there is still a hunger in him that isn't being met. Since he will have to learn to do that for himself, I have little hope for my marriage. I am not sure that he will learn to find happiness within himself.

BUT, if he did, wow, we could have a great marriage. Since I have finally learned that lesson, if he ever got it, we could really be something. Except for that nagging little fact that he doesn't like me. That is the hang up. Of course, all the crap that he listed that was wrong with me was post D-day. The question is, did he like me before he met OW? And is he did, would he ever be able to convince me of that?

I liked him before D-day, and I liked him for awhile after D-day. I don't like him now. I am eager to see who he is going to be on the other side of this, no matter how it turns out.

For me, I felt better knowing that I was the one who filed. I wasn't going to be a doormat and let WH and OW walk all over me. If it was going to be over, it was going to be on my terms. Hurt like heck to sign the papers to get it started, but it made me feel like a strong person taking charge of the situation by filing against WH. To me, it was telling him that what he has done is NOT ok, that he's NOT going to get out of his family so easily, that I'm NOT going to go away quietly. I saw it as standing up for myself and DD, and for what is right.


You did what you had to do to ensure that you and your girls are legally protected.


It's amazing what a little distance can do. I know what you mean. my WH has shown his true colors, too, and they're not pretty.

Stay strong and take care of yourself, Jean...

Jean,

I still see your heart isn't quite in sync with your mind....yet. It will come.... u r getting there.

When he does come out of the fog, make sure it is completely out before you all put your life in his hands again.

Trust is the biggest missing factor here and the 1st one that must be restored/earned.

take care,
L.

Thanks SM and Orchid, I appreciate the support.

Hmm, I am having an interesting thought process and probably dangerous, so I will put it here to avoid screwing with anyone else's head.

I was reading a newbie's thread and thinking of the advice I would give. And I realize that I won't take my own advice. There is a newly BH, admits he neglected his wife, she wants to leave and he is scared. My advice to him would be:
I don't know whether you should say this aloud to your wife, or whether to just put it in your brain to be a motto to you. But can you think to yourself "Wife, I am sorry that I helped dig this hole, I am sorry for my part in putting you in this painful position. I am your ally, I know you don't want to be this person and I am sorry for not doing more to protect you from a predator OM"

This is probably really bad advice, so I didn't post it on his thread. But, as a FWW, this is something that would have gotten me off the fence real darn fast. I resented BH for not protecting me from wh0redom. I think that is pretty twisted. I am a grown woman, I knew I was wrong.

I think I am back to trying to justify my old affair. Heck, I had to tell BH what was going on and I kept telling him for months. He just seemed oblivious. At least I busted WH a very short time into his A. I didn't have my head stuck that far up my a$$ that I didn't see something was wrong.

My affair was wrong, wrong, wrong. I will never say that I was justified in having the A. But I secretly think that my affair made more sense that WH's A. I get alot of reinforcement from external sources on this (and I am sure that is not helpful). Everyone was amazed that it took me 10 years to check out of my marriage. On the flip side, even WH friends say that his A took them completely by surprised because he seemed very happy with the marriage until the day he met OW.

I probably shouldn't hit the post button, I know this train of thought is unhealthy and wrong. But, it is where I am today. I hope that none of the BSs that read this are hurt. I am just frustrated and moody this morning.

Jean -

Hey - You are really going through some deep thinking here. You sound strong & definitely capable of going through with a D, but are still some issues you are dealing with. It's an interesting thought process to follow.

What is a home equity waiver? I saw thought in one of your posts.....

Hope you have a good day!

Kim

Hey Kim, the home equity waiver is a phrase I made up. I need WH to sign something saying that when he left, there was no equity in the house. I need to do some fixing up and I don't want WH to benefit from any repairs I make in his absence.

I am glad that you weren't offended by my thoughts. After thinking on it some more, I think I have this preconceived notion that generally, men and women have A's for different reasons. For the most part, I think women try harder to be faithful. I think woman have it in their brain to seek good hunter/gatherer and stay by the fire and be protected. Men, may have a disposition to go forth and fertilize as many woman as possible. I guess I don't give us as humans, much credit for evolving very far past cavemen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Of course, that is a gross generalization. I am sure there are men who are spiritually dead before they would ever think to stray, just as there are woman who act like dogs in heat, trolling the neighborhood.

I should stop thinking before I get into trouble.

AAH. got it.

My husband once asked me this - Do you not want a divorce because you don't like the idea of being divorced or do you really still love me? Do you want me because another woman wants me.

I don't think at all that's what your are thinking, but is something else to ponder.....

Yep, some men WOULD die before straying from their spouse. I guess neither of us lucked up in marrying that type huh?

Kim

Hee Hee, please don't give me anything else to ponder. As I was driving to work this AM, I realized I had spent entirely too much time alone with my thoughts this weekend. I blew off two family functions this weekend, because me and myself were just having so much time thinking! Come Sunday morning, I have talked myself into believing that I am certifiably nuts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I spoke to WH on my way home, to let him know what time I would be at the house. I asked him if sometime soon I could have 15 minutes or so, when he wasn't in a bad mood, to run a few things by him that were happening in my life. Stuff that would affect him and our relationship and I just wanted his input. He did not say no, but he let me know it would not be this weekend as he is in a really bad space right now. For the first time, in probably 6 months, I told him that I love him and I am sorry that he is having such a rough time right now.

I don't know what all is going on. He stayed at the apartment all weekend with the girls and the girls said he wasn't on the phone at all. So that could mean that he and OW have hit a snag, plus he is flat out broke. He normally takes the kids out doing the disneyland dad thing.

When he dropped the girls off, I didn't ask him about the agreement thing that I had given him to think about. I would love to talk to him tonight to get the low down on his situation, but I have a feeling if I push any little bit - his brain might explode.

He is not getting the girls at all this next weekend. So it could be two weeks before there is a reason to talk to him. If OW and him are in a rough patch, I would like to be able to do a little lighthousy plan A via phone. But he really hates it when I call unless it is a matter of life and death.

I feel good, just impatient. I hurt because he seems to be hurting right now. But I am OK with the whole loving someone who doesn't love me back thing. He is my husband and I am supposed to love him. I am trusting the process, I have no hopes or expectations, I will end up with someone who does like me (I worry more about being liked than being loved), I just don't know who that will be yet.

I really am liking myself alot. I just don't quite need to spend so much time with myself thinking all my weird thoughts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Wow Jean. You have inspired me - I was down in the dumps. Read this and thought. Geez. that is so true. He is my husband and I am supposed to love him.

BUT. For how long do we just "hang out" in this phase?

Sorry, I'm not very encouraging so I will stop this thought process right now.

Jean, you have been through so much with this sitch. I am proud of you!

Sounds like you know your H quite well & have a good feel for when to move forward a bit & when to pull back.

Kim

I don't know how long I'll pine for WH. I don't really feel piney, but I guess that is what I am doing. I do know that I am turning away really decent guys to stick this thing out with WH. It is flattering to have the interest and really does make me look long and hard about what my objectives are long term.

I did end up sending WH a text message tonight regarding the fact that my youngest daughter told me that she had used up all her giggles at daddy's since they had a tickle fest right before he brought them home. So I sent him a light hearted TM about taking all her giggles for himself.

I just need to lay low, stay casual, let him and OW do their little thing. He probably needs to spend some time alone to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up. I have really become fine with the prospect of living without my H. I would prefer him, but my main objective is someone who likes me. And if he can't be that, I don't take it personally. I really feel like I need to stay way back, let him self destruct, regroup and then we can see what is left of the guy I used to know.

I laughed when I reread Kim's comment about knowing when to pull back and when to push. I said I was going to pull waaaay back, but I didn't. I resent WH's idea that we are just going to evaporate because we make him feel uncomfortable. I am not being at all nasty, just pleasant and taking care of business. He never returns my calls. I text him when the kids want to talk to him and he will call. When he does this, I never get on the phone. I know he will stop calling the kids if he thinks he has to put up with me.

So I keep the father daughter thing completely separate from the state of the union thing. There are many pitfalls if I pull the divorce petition, very frustrating. I guess I'll text message him and see if he will read a letter if I mail it to him. I need him to help me get some of these legal matters settled. Sign the post nup or help me get the divorce done, just please do something.

Anyway, still feeling good. I have realized I can justify my warped belief system pretty well. I can talk myself into anything it seems.

I just don't get that your WH is Plan B'ing you. Like he is the victim!!

I am so glad to hear that your DS had a gigglefest with your WH. SO GLAD.




I know you are watching out for YOU and DD's though......

Kim

Yeah, that is a strange thing. I have asked him why he could be more decent to me when I was the WW than he is as a WH. People say,"Jean, just give it time". Time for what?? For WH to stop being mad at me - what in the $%#%^$ is he so mad about???

Now that I am actually getting the hang of plan A (it has taken long enough!) and do NOT say anything judgemental or snippy to him, he has to steer clear of me. He can't come up with any logical reason why he can't be civil to me, so he has to stay away. I am the personification of his greatest failure.

I am shocked and amazed (it takes so little to get a rise out of me these days). I called WH this AM, I got the voice mail, so I just hung up. He actually called me back!

I told him I was just calling him to share some kid stuff with him, they are really going through some amazing changes right now. I told him that I miss the coparenting. He said he would call back when he wasn't in the middle of a repair. (Not crossing my fingers, but at least he wasn't an a$$ to me).

I told him I was sorry his race got rained out (he was at Talladega this weekend). I am not really sorry, but it seemed like the decent thing to say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I think, in my gut gut gut, I may be growing indifferent to WH. I think I really just want out of him any positive that he has to offer my family unit. I am OK with the fact that it might not be much. But the girls are so tickled when their Dad is proud of them, I would like to be able to give them that as often as possible.

Wow, he actually called back! We had a very pleasant conversation about the kids. Absolutely no marriage- divorce-OW talk at all. A minute or two of racing chit chat at the end, I didn't try to stall the good-bye.

It is like throwing a slab of meat into a wild animal cage and getting the heck outta there before he bites your hand off.

My sister is married to WH's best friend of 25 years. My BIL told my sister the other day that he doesn't think WH will ever come back. Not back to his family, his town, his friends... WH has broken all ties with his former life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I just had an hour long conversation with WH.

Bottom line, he will be nice to me as soon as I stop saying his A is wrong.

I really want to pull the divorce papers just to mess with him.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

That's a line of babble threat from a WS. Whatcha gonna do? Don't fall 4 it, ok? Imagine this:

WS: I will be nice to you as soon as you say the A is wrong.

BS: I don't have to say it too much because you just did.

WS: I did?

BS: Yes, you just said the A is wrong.

WS: I said you can't say it.

BS: No worries, don't have to. So you gonna be nice now?

WS: Well, I'm not sure. R u gonna stop say the A is wrong?

BS: Don't have to, you just did it again. Why do you keep saying it? R U finally seeing what everyone else is seeing?

WS: No, I mean, yes, I mean no......Arrrghh u r twisting my words again.

BS: No, you do a good job of that yourself. Bye.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

He will admit the A "was" wrong, I do remind him that it "is" not "was". He just needs me to stop saying it. I think that stems from how he and OW will always have that hanging over their heads in regards to the children. Since the kids know, OW will not have a chance to start with a clean slate and be all Mary Poppinish-geesh, sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And by "being nice", all he means is that he will have conversation with me regarding the divorce so we can move along. When I mentioned that I had long been considering dropping the divorce, he threatened to get an injuction barring me from selling anything or making any changes to the home.

He also informed me that his A is my fault, since he realized he was unable to forgive me for my A. I asked him if he had this revelation before or after he started rutting with OW - he said after. That may mean that he has decided reconciliation is impossible, because if he is incapable of forgiveness, than surely I must be too.

The conversation was very illuminating in regards to WH's intentions with post divorce control. He is agreeing to temporary alimony, as long as we don't call it alimony. But, if I start making money from home, rent out a room, start dating a guy who sits on WH's couch, or move and rent out this house - the 'alimony' stops. He does not want me to finacially benefit from his affair.

I asked if he would agree to stating some minimum amount that child support could become, regardless of how much breeding he and OW do - he says I can't legislate his life. So he has all these conditions on paying me, but is mad that I want to ensure adaquate CS for the children, regardless of how fertile his mistress is.

He also mentioned that he had not considered my remarrying, he did not know how that would affect the situation. He said he hoped I would be responsible when it came to decisions like that.

And he has no plan, no goals, no nothing. He is just living day to day. I guess that would be great if you are a 16 yo surfer dude, but he is not. I have plans and goals and he wants to keep his hand on my forehead so I can't move up. If he just seemed a tad rational, I would feel better. But even though he is being cordial, he is just whacked out of his ever lovin mind! But at least he is a more polite whackjob now.

I keep reading that our WH's have to hit rock bottom for any thing to sink in for them. That statement above kind of sounds like my WH.

ARGH.

Take Care!

Kim