Sometimes WH just cracks me up. After our very long conversation last evening, I have made it very clear that I intend to drop the divorce petition. If anyone is interested, I will go through the whole epiphany process. Actually, WH blaming his affair on his inability to forgive me was the light bulb moment for me.

Anyway, WH is so very not happy again. He came in, dropped the kids off, made nicey nice. As he was leaving, he stepped out of kid earshot and said "I am saying this when I know you are not recording me, and I will only say it one time. This divorce will go through, this will be over very soon".

I asked him if that was a threat, I was just kinda confused. If I don't divorce you, wadda are you gonna do? Leave me??

Let him know the recorder picked him up LOUD and clear. He will wonder which recorder but does it really matter?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Talked to WH for awhile yesterday regarding dropping the divorce. I let him know that if his affair really is my fault, then I have no grounds to divorce him. I just can't punish him for something that I made him do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If I drop my petition, he intends to file on the grounds of my adultery for the A 3 years ago. Which poses an interesting issue for me. If I am saying that I am not absolved of my guilt because I don't feel I have been "punished" enough, would a divorce where I would lose everything make me feel better? I would be essentially punishing the children if I force WH to divorce me (finacially speaking). And, even if I lived in a cardboard box, it would not alleviate my guilt and shame.

He intends to talk to his attorney and let him know that I want to drop the divorce and have him be plantiff. He says he will let me know what the options are at that point. There might be a change of venue issue since WH has moved out of the county. And if he did charge me, I would have to countersue and blah blah blah.

So I may have to continue with the divorce as is. I am going to ask my attorney if I can enter a statement into public record regarding my filing. I would like it known that I filed under duress due to lack of support and I cannot withdraw the petition due to pressure from WH. He has said that because of his tax issues, me being the plantiff protects the house.

Personally, I think he is just pulling excuses out of his bu++. I honestly don't think he can charge me with adultery. I can prove condonation and probably that conniving thing (can't remember what that defense was called). if he is worried about the house, just get his name off the deed.

He and OW are just "casually dating". This divorce is not about her. He just didn't realize that he lied about forgiving me until he was in bed with OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I started a thread about this forgiveness issue and got some great feedback from some BHs. Thanks guys!
Pardon Revoked?

I am having a really bad day. But, I wanted pain so I could change-here it is. WH went to his attorney and is counter filing for Irr. Diff. I guess that would negate my dropping the divorce. And I guess that is what I wanted, him doing something on paper to indicate his desire for divorce.

Of course, in typical Jean fashion, now that he has done what I "needed", I realize I "need" something else. I need him to say he believes I was truly repentant and was 100% committed. I really can be OK with him not being able to forgive (I still have issue with him not figuring that out until he was in bed with OW). I would like to know that he did know that I was true blue dedicated.

I also have ID'd what it is that I have been holding out hope for. I know, with all that I am, that when I came home, I was 100%. I have held out hope, that maybe WH could come to that same realization. The thought of him being able to love me with that level of intensity, WOW, I did not want to take a chance at missing out on that.

I am very grateful that I had the chance to love H like that. It makes this hurt worse, but it does give me some comfort. I would have hated to have put my family through what I did, and then come home feeling like I had no other choice and just had to make the best out of my remaining options.

I was truly amazed at the year we had. Family members were amazed to see us like that. Sometimes, I would open my eyes and just be in awe that I was sitting with my H feeling that safe.

It doesn't make me terribly sad that he now says he was settling for me out of fear. It makes me sad that he couldn't tell me that from the start. I hate that we led the children into a false sense of security.

I hate that he has traded in a remorseful former wh0re, for an active and unrepentant wh0re.

Selfish bump

I think I could do Plan B for the right reasons now. Up until now, I was not afraid of protecting my love, it seemed my delusional love was pretty safely tucked away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So I think I can plan B my way right into this divorce, there is nothing else I know to do and I really don't want to grow to hate him. I just kinda want to remember him like he was. I am in the mood to write a very angry venting note, so I am not in the correct mindset to write a plan B letter. My first sentence of my mental draft is a DJ.

Anybody open to giving me feedback if I draft a plan B letter?

Jean -

I am so sorry for your pain. Just wanted to let you know that - I wish I could offer up some wonderfully encouraging words.

I wish we could fast forward to 5 years from now just to see us happy and living our lives fully again.

At least your WH is taking some kind of action --- perhaps you can gain some kind of closure soon. I think that is what is so awful about this sometimes......

Take care!

Kim

Thanks so much Kim for checking in. Yes, his counter filing does give me a bittersweet peace.

I may be seriously mentally ill. My current thinking is that I have no doubt that I will have a rich and happy life. I am honestly pretty happy now. Here is were the crazy part comes in - are you ready? I know I will be OK, better than OK, but I love WH too much to let him do this to himself does that make me an egomaniac? It is not that I think I am the only one who can make WH happy (obviously I am not), but I just cannot believe that WH will ever have peace if he continues down this path.

I get scared thinking he would want to come home, I may feel like I would be sacrificing a chance for happiness, just to save WH from a lifetime of self loathing.

I hate the way this sounds, am I crazy??

Hi Jean,

Saw your Pepsi post...I have been thinking about you too, so I had to find you. I'm glad you weren't too far away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm sad that your WH is now countersuing. I was always hoping that man would come to his senses, forgive each other and come home. Now he has to complicate things more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I hate to see you struggle so much with your feelings, trying to rationalize something thats so irrational anyway. I know you blame yourself so much for what has happened. I know it's hard, and the heaviness of it all has to be stressful. Keep remembering forgiveness through Jesus. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

I know this is something you never wanted to happen, and I know deep inside you still don't want it to happen. You are just getting to the point of acceptance... if it happens, it happens, you will survive...But I am still hoping and praying for a MIRACLE OF RECONCILIATION.

There is HOPE Jean....Just trust Jesus. Trust Him for everything!! He can get you through this. When the heaviness sets in, get some good worship, inspirational music, put it on and SING!! (no matter how difficult it is, just do it.) This will help you and the girls immensly.

One day at a time.

Sent with Love and Prayers,
Lady

Thank you so much Ladysheep for checking in. I have missed your feedback.

I am sad, but I am feeling that heaviness and going through the process. I do feel better now that I have been able to identify why I have held out such hope. Like I have said, the thought of having a FWS was oddly exciting to me. Heck, I was excited in a sick way on D-day. My reaction was "Great news, my H does want more from a relationship, I can't wait to reach the next level of intimacy with him!"

I was really happy in the marriage, but it was because of what I was giving. And to think that affair recovery would make him give - wow, I couldn't believe my luck. I was madly in love and dedicated and fulfilled. And to think that he might reach that point... that is what I am mourning now.

I hope things are good with you and yours. Hope to "see" you again soon.

I am just about at the end of the allotted mourning time for today, we are going to head to the country for the weekend.

Once again, I pulled out the old letter that H was writing for his old GF (during our separation). He talked of how he lived without someone he loved for so many years (that would be me) and how GF makes him want to be this great man.

So I am giving him that letter back, I don't need to keep reading it. His words say much more about the limits that our marriage could reach. I remember talking to his GF one day and I asked her if I had hurt H. She said no, he never acted hurt at all, just slightly inconvenienced.

Changing gears, I made my mantel over yesterday. Different picture, some plants and the figures that the girls had picked for our family totem, an elephant, horse and a wolf. (Which WH had noticed and there is no daddy figure, just the matriarch momma elephant). I have put several plants around the house. It makes a big difference.

Simon Garfunkle Smith (the new kitty) is doing well. Socks (the adult female cat) does not seem terribly impressed with little man's antics. She is pretty laid back and I am sure that she would prefer I give the little guy something for his hyperactivity. She just sits and rolls her eyes at him as he zooms by and occasionally swats at him if he tries to motivate her to play. The girls get worried about the two cats, and I have explained that is exactly how I feel when they are wrestling around or picking on each other.

All in all, life is pretty good. Pain makes me change (because I am too hard headed to change just due to mild discomfort), so now I can tackle the next flight of stairs.

The IRS took my refund and applied to WH balance. My refund was 1/2% (.5%) of what he owes. I guess if I work for the next 200 years at the same rate, I'll have his bill paid off for him (not including interest and penalties)

I was really counting on that $68.00 , wanna take bets on if WH will offer to pay me back?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jean,

Been thinking about you. When I read your last post, I quickly thought the bet was about him coming back not paying you back.... LOL!!! Ok, as for the bet? I'll bite. Why? 'cuz it w/b nice to win on a good note, for one..... and 2 what am I going to have to send you as a consolation prize.... mac nuts? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Have a fun weekend.

Aloha,
L.

All in all, a decent weekend. WH picked up the girls Saturday without any incident, he took his mail and my letter and some pics the kids had drawn. We had to communicate Sunday regarding Mother's Day, I needed the girls a little early so we could go out to my Mom's. When I picked up the girl's, I was already on the verge of tears. Before WH left, I asked him "You know that I do love you, don't you?" and he nodded.

He gave the girls money to take me out to dinner and he picked out one of my favorite movies and gave me a DVD. I hate it when I know he picked the gift - that hurts. The girls always pick me something that has to do with elephants. They are not useful gifts at all, but they are very sweet and they don't bite like WH's gifts do. I look forward to the day that he wouldn't have a clue what I would like.

The girls and I went to Mom's and then out to dinner. They were proud to be paying the bill. Then it was baths and our Sundaes on Sunday - Moose Tracks and Ice Cream Sandwich flavors with cherries on top!

I need to get to the health food store. I am wondering if my low grade weepiness is a result of running out of the Salmon Oil I started taking after D-day. Even though I am taking ADs now, I just have this sadness all the time, I feel like I am just procrastinating having a full fledged breakdown.

So I am working on some behavioral changes for myself, trying to recreate the few months I had of being very motivated and productive. This is just a down swing and I won't get stuck in it.

Oh, he never mentioned the tax thing. And now I am wondering if the IRS will take my refunds every year for the rest of my life. No big deal now, but when I go back to work it would be a bigger deal. So I will have to figure it out to make sure that I am never overpaying. Hopefully, when I resubmit the tax returns in question - it will fix that problem.

Jean,

I am glad you had a nice Mother's Day. I can imagine it does hurt knowing your WH picked out your gift from the girls. I bet they enjoyed being the ones paying for dinner made them feel all grownup.

I did at least get a card from my DS and I know his dad had to pay for it seeing how DS has no money.

I think we all fall into the down times no matter how far we are into this mess. But it will pass, they always do....

Take Care,

Hurting

Thanks for checking in Hurting. How's the packing going?

I really have been considering plan B, just because I am getting real tired. But, plan A has been a complete bust since the only thing he wants to discuss with me is the divorce. And that conversation doesn't exactly bring out my warm fuzzy side.

If I wrote him a plan B letter, first he would laugh, then he would be grateful that he doesn't have to deal with me anymore, then he would be irritated thinking that my not communicating with him is a tactic to stalling the divorce.

I have this incessant need to try and make him see my point, to admit that I am correct. And every time he gives in and gives me what I want for 'closure', I come up with something else I need. I am to the point where I am starting to bore myself with my irrational circular thinking. My mental hamsters are not just up there on the exercise wheel, they are swinging from the trapeze!

So it appears that after 9 months or so, I am still at the same place. Feeling like an MB failure and still making up excuses why the plan just won't work for me. So I guess there is something that this is supposed to teach me about myself, but then I make it all my fault again.

OOOhhh, just had a lightbulb go off. In my very black and white mind, I only see two ways to look at this situation:

1. This is all really my fault and I do not deserve to ever be happy.

2. This is WH's fault and if he would just do what I say, we could all live happily ever after.

Option one means my destiny is to wallow in martyr misery for the rest of my life. Option two means my destiny is to feel self righteous and keep pounding at WH to admit his wrongdoing, which ensures that he can never see me as a viable life mate.

So I need to find the shade of gray that works for me. I need to feel enough guilt to keep me a faithful partner to a future mate. But I don't need to hear WH admit anything to me. I need to be able to love him with that brotherly love-good luck on your spiritual journey type of love.

Just my ranting, I need to blow off steam.

My dear narcissistic [censored] husband,

You told me to not call you with anything unless it concerns you. Sorry bud, but the earth already has an orbital path, and it isn't you! You want me to move on, then give me the freaking keys to do that - literally! I need the truck keys, the deadbolt keys, I need to you sign titles for all these piece of [censored] cars in the yard. I want to move on, give me the waiver so I can have a yard sale and stop dusting off this crap that you left here.

You get mad if I call you more than once, if you would deal with these issues, I wouldn't have to keep calling you. I am moving in slow motion, I give you a list on Friday, you ignore it for a few weeks, I ask again and maybe a month later-I can get a straight answer. The stuff that I am asking you for is the same stuff I have been asking for since February.

I totally understand your need to be right, I get that whole self righteous thing, I have a bad case of it myself. OK, OK I am more wrong, I am the wrongest in all the land. You win, now YOU move on. Stop being pissed and petty. You have to stay mad at me to feel justified, fine, but we are racking up a large attorney bill if I have to get a court order everytime I need your input on something.

And as far as me making nicey nice with your troll wh0re, understand my feelings have little to do with your affair with the predatory creature. I have met her face to face twice, and both times she looked me in the eyes and lied to me. She is a spineless, scared little pi$$ ant to me. So you run off and protect your little damsel from your big bad meany wife, you two can hide under your little rocks and live happily ever after.

And while we are at it, can we stop saying you didn't leave me for her? I admit, I left you for FOM, and it was four months in between the time I left you and the time he was here. Can you please admit you left me for OW, especially considering the fact she was with you less than 24 hours after you left to "think".

I understand everything you are doing, I really do. But I just can't figure out how to work around it. You need to be right, fine, you are right. I don't really give a rat's butt about it anymore. But you stood in the courtroom and said "Don't worry your honor, we have an extensive history of working well together". That would require a tad of cooperation on your part. You are making me act like someone I really don't like. There are only two ways for me to deal with you, either by lying to you acting like everything is hunky dorry, or by acting like you don't exist. And unfortunately, there are some things I need you to finish up here.

I am exhausted, handle this stuff and let me out.

(((Jean))) I feel the same way sometimes, riding that awful rollercoaster. Some days, I feel like I'm back at square one. Heck, sometimes it changes by the hour. Hang in there!

WH,

This is the one letter that actually should please you. There is good news and bad news, first the bad news.

I have loved you since you climbed in the makeshift tent with A.D and S.D at (that apt). You fascinate me, this whole experience has oddly made me love you more. Your passionate extremes are such a roller coaster to be a part of. Your unwavering stance on your belief system is something that I have always admired, even when I didn’t agree with your beliefs. I have held out hope that your passion and unwavering commitment would somehow spill over into our marriage.

Now for the good news.

In order for me to maintain any sort of positive feeling for you, I can not deal with you on your current terms. So I have to stop dealing with you at all. You can handle all the divorce stuff through the attorneys. If you have no objection, please plan on getting the girls 5pm on Fridays or 3pm on Saturdays and return at 5pm on Sunday. If there is a set time, we will not have to communicate again. M will be available to be the drop off point starting next weekend. (She will not be available 5-21). There should be no need for us to speak or communicate at all, M can pass an emergency message if needed.

I am sorry for being unable to see how unhappy you must have been before the affair. I am sorry for being unable to give you a way out with your dignity intact. There still is a part of me that would love to build a fulfilling life with you, but that part is fading fast. I just cannot help you with the divorce or try to coparent with you only when it is convenient for you. I am sorry for the nuisance this communication black out will cause, but I am getting off your roller coaster. I am losing my own self respect in how I deal with you, I can imagine that you have lost all respect for me also.

Thank you for everything you have taught me about respect and dignity. I will use those lessons in the spirit they were intended. Trying to remember the good that we had, I have to stop experiencing this present with you.

With sincere love for my husband and family,
BW

I realize that the above plan B letter has no plan for reconciliation. I can't seem to slide that in somewhere and keep him from laughing out loud at my arrogance.

I have until Friday to get this done right.