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Hi Jean --
It must be letter writing night. I am handwriting my own letter for review later(probably tomorrow).
So, you have decided to venture into Plan B with me?? Yay. I'd love your company.
The letter is very you. How about this at the end:
"I want to rebuild our marriage with you, I believe in us and a future together. We can do that, but you need to end your Affair."
Something like that??
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, I think the first thing that would go through WH's mind is "You know what they say, wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which fills up first" I really believe that he would think it terribly arrogant of me to ever think he would 'settle' for me again since he is soooo blissfully happy. My ego keeps me from saying that. Is that just a peice of the pie that a BS has to choke down? Should it feel like choking it down? Maybe I am too far gone. Thanks for saying the letter was very me - I think. I'll take it as a compliment because I need a warm fuzzy today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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I like it b/c I think it is the way your H is used to hearing you --- If he can peer through the FOG to get it!!
I really do think there needs to be something giving him the "path back". Even if you think he will laugh, it will be right there in front of him. A path back. If you don't give him that, then how will he know??
Does that make any sense?? I hope I said that right.
When are you planning on going into Plan B?
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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I know, I know, from the letter, all he could learn is that I never intend to speak to him again - a done deal. I am going to see if it is my ego I need to put aside, or maybe I am just done, done, done. (I think it is more of an ego thing).
And that would make the letter run into two pages and if he sees a staple, his brain turns off immediately (maybe I can play with the fonts to keep it one page).
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Could you hand write it??
Yep, one page is definitely better. The one I'm working on is way too long.....
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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But I can say, with self respect and dignity intact, that I would be honored to walk through the path of marital recovery with you. I remember how we high fived after our walk down the isle at our wedding rehearsal. I would love to be able to high five after coming through this tunnel together. Of course, there can only be two in a marriage, and I can promise you that I can forsake all others if you can. How is this? Handwriting is too personal, I am a tad too guarded to hand write. And since hand written is more personal, that would make WH cringe more than the sight of a staple.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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I like that!! Again, very you! (a compliment!)
Bringing in that memory from your marriage is nice!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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WH,
This is the one letter that actually should please you. There is good news and bad news, first the bad news.
I have loved you since you climbed in the makeshift tent with Amy and Susan at King’s Crest. You fascinate me, this whole experience has oddly made me love you more. Your passionate extremes are such a roller coaster to be a part of. Your unwavering stance on your belief system is something that I have always admired, even when I didn’t agree with your beliefs. I have held out hope that your passion and unwavering commitment would somehow spill over into our marriage.
Now for the good news.
In order for me to maintain any sort of positive feeling for you, I can not deal with you on your current terms. So I have to stop dealing with you at all. You can handle all the divorce stuff through the attorneys. If you have no objection, please plan on getting the girls 5pm on Fridays or 3pm on Saturdays and return at 5pm on Sunday. If there is a set time, we will not have to communicate again. Mary will be available to be the drop off point starting next weekend. (She will not be available 5-21). There should be no need for us to speak or communicate at all, Mary can pass an emergency message if needed.
I am sorry for being unable to see how unhappy you must have been before the affair. I am sorry for being unable to give you a way out with your dignity intact. There still is a part of me that would love to build a fulfilling life with you, but that part is fading fast. I just cannot help you with the divorce or try to get situations resolved only when it is convenient for you. I am sorry for the nuisance this communication black out will cause, but I am getting off your roller coaster. I am losing my own self respect in how I deal with you.
But I can say, with self respect and dignity intact, that I would be honored to walk through the path of marital recovery with you. I remember how we high fived after our walk down the aisle at our wedding rehearsal. I would love to be able to high five after coming through this tunnel together. Of course, there can only be two in a marriage, and if we can nail down that forsaking all others part, we can beat anything together.
Thank you for everything you have taught me about respect and dignity. I will use those lessons in the spirit they were intended. Trying to remember the good that we had, I have to stop experiencing this present with you.
With sincere love for my husband and family,
BW
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Well, it seems that WH is plan Bing me again. he absolutely refuses to communicate at all. I TM'd a list of some things I need, I have asked for him to just send me confirmation that he rec'd the list - nothing.
So that just makes my plan B letter more amusing. Or at least until he needs something from me. Then he will think I am being petty and unreasonable.
I am heading to the farm for the day, I do great self therapy on the lawn mower.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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WH is still ignoring me. I don't know what to do about him picking up the kids tomorrow. I think I will take them to Grandma's and let him pick them up there. Unless I can just look ecstatic with life, I just don't need to see him at all. I am pretty sure I won't be able to hold my tongue. The lawyer has not responded to my proposed Plan B letter (I wanted to run it by her first and make sure it won't make me look uncopperative). But I don't even feel the same as I did when I wrote that plan B letter. My new version is: WH,
If have legal questions - talk to attorney.
If you have kid questions - talk to Grandma.
See you at their high school graduation. I'm done.
BS My period of emotional constipation is finally over. For two months, I have been on the verge of tears. The damn started to crack tonight and I had a good cry with a friend of mine and WH's. The kids were a little nervous until I talked about it like intestinal constipation, and even though it felt bad right now, I was going to feel so much better when I was done with my emotional diarrhea. So we are having ice cream (no sprinkles, that is only for Sundaes on Sunday).
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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It is only 8pm and I am exhausted. I worked my self hard today. I cleaned out the tool shed building. The floor has not been seen in years. I have a clean floor and counter space and only 2 more trips to the dump to make! WH picked up the kids while we were out there working. he called before hand to let me know he was going to be late, then again when he was on his way. I just let the messages go to VM. I did not give him any plan B letter, if I give him one, it will be Sunday when he brings the kids home. I just can't say, today, that I want to give him a roadmap home. My emotional purge last night turned into healthy anger today. I'll wait and see how I feel Sunday. OD has started really talking about wanting him home again. She has her own roller coaster and she is having a rough time right now. I think the fact that they know that OW and WH are having rough patches, is not helping. I am sure it is confusing to them why he left to be with someone he has to fight with and when we were together that last year-there was never a harsh word. The kids said that OW and WH got into a big fight and OW ripped up all the stuff she gave him for Valentine's Day. But, a weekend or two later, they are back on the computer seeing who can say 'I love you' with the most exclamation points <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> One funny thing happened when WH picked up the kids. We three were in the building so he came around back. I didn't stop working, I just told the kids to run inside and get ready. He followed them in and they fed him some slushy they had made for him. I came in a few minutes later to kiss the girls good-bye. I noticed WH was studying my fish tank with his head at the oddest angle. I told the kids bye and asked them to lock the front door when they left and I returned to my work outside. I came in later and I realized what WH had been doing. On the counter, beside the fish tank was a mushy love card.I think his weird head angle was trying to see the writing inside. The amusing part is, that card had been given to him by some girlfriend before we ever met. I had found a few cards and letters when I was cleaning the shed and I had set them aside for him. There was also a letter from his Grandmother, who died before we met. I wanted to give that to him, I don't know of any of her writing that he has. Grandma told him to always be good and if he gets confused - just look to God.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Good to hear from you Jean....and ya.... the WS twisting his head wondering what was on your counter....is a good thing. LOL!!
For your children to see the extremes in his R with the OW is scary. Let him know that his extreme behavior with the OW in front of the children is frightening them but they can't seem to tell him in person. Maybe they can draw it out and you can let him go figure it out. See now this stuff is spilling over from just you to other parts of his life.
H & the OW is just a matter of when it w/b over not even if, just when. How sad that the OW brungs out the crazy side of him and he is too dumb to know better. How sad for him but not for you.
take care,
L.
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Thanks for riding along with me Orchid.
Here is an odd thing - OW is still not allowed to be around the kids (it would be contempt of court). So the fact that the kids know about their fighting means that WH is talking to them about it.
I can't talk to him about this at all, he associates any conversation we have with me pointing out how screwed up he is. I almost feel sorry for him. On one hand, he has the ole ball and chain making him feel like a complete nincompoop because he can't fill out the needed paperwork to divorce her. On the other hand, troll wh0re is ripping up his widdle heart.
Today, the only reason I would consider taking him back is because if the kids. I don't know if that is good or bad.
But my tool shed looks great! There is actually peg board visable on the walls. I have to remove the nests from behind the peg boards, but... woo hoo! I took the door off and sanded and naval jellied it, I still have a little more sanding to get all the rust off. I told the girls they could paint it. They want to put smiley faces and peace signs on it - my little hippies.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Sunday evening report - nothing going on with WH and that feels good. He is a mere inconvenience in my life today. He is someone I need to wrap up some paperwork with today. Of course, tomorrow, he will be the love of my life and yada yada yada. I found some paint on the Ooops rack at Lowe's (I just love $3 gallons of paint.) It looked close to the coagulated blood color of my front door, (well not really coagulated blood, it just sounded good). So I bought it to paint the shed door with. The house is gray with maroon door/shutters and the building is gray, so I thought I would paint the door maroon and find a little shutter to put on my little windows. The paint is a little pinker than I was expecting, we'll see how it dries. I think I'll leave it that color, it will be whimsical (and trust me, there is not a whimsical bone in my body). I planted some flowers yesterday. The neighbors commented how how much work I have been doing around here. They are as eager as I am to see this place looking better. They were saddened to hear that I still cannot sell the crap cars sitting in the driveway, but everything in time. I have a pretty busy week ahead, and that always suprises me since I don't feel like I have a life. I have felt pretty good at work this weekend. I get too involved with the patients and get really funky driving home. But, I hope that means I am compassionate and caring, not just manic depressive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Not the most pleasant day today. OD woke up crying for Daddy, that always makes for a good morning. She did end up calling him to invite him out for a meal sometime this week, and he actually answered the phone! Ususally, it goes to VM and he later decides if we are worthy of a return call. So the fact that he answered the phone with nothing more than my number on the caller ID was shocking. The girls have made a fake daddy. OD says the main thing she misses about him is the snuggling. So they took a pair of his old jeans and a shirt, they have stuffed it, put a picture of him on top with a baseball cap. Fake daddy is sitting in his chair playing Xbox, fake daddy is kinda creeping me out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> The shed door is still a tad pink, I painted the trim around the door white, the kids say the shed looks like a peppermint candy. But it looks fresh and cheery from my kitchen window. The girls want to paint polka dots on the gray siding to bring it all together, I may just let them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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I had to change the title back because I couldn't find my thread. And I am not in plan B because I can't give WH a roadmap home at this time. So I am just pretending he is dead <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> which is actually working pretty well. If the kids need him, they call him. I TM's about the weekend pick up since there was a small change, and I am getting along fine. The odd thing is, he has started answering his phone, which freaks me out. He doesn't know I'm not going to call him anymore so why does he answer the phone when it could be the big bad wife? Oh well, not my shift to figure him out. A typical sad WH thing happened yesterday. I was out of pocket and the kids were at a family birthday party. WH knew this via my TM and was going to pick up the kids there. He pulled almost in the driveway, called from his cell and insisted they call when the party was over. He then drove off backwards up a hill full of new home construction. The whole family was in the house and saw the little tirade. This is my sister and BIL's house. BIL and WH have been best friends for 20+ years. WH would not even come into his house and does not talk to BIL or anyone else from the family at all anymore. I hope OW is worth it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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I have had interaction with WH today. The first issue is OD's birthday next week. I did not want to make any form plans without his knowledge, input, intentions - whatever. So, after a couple of days of sending him VMs and TMs, he finally called. He will not come have cake and ice cream with his daughter if any member of our extended family will be present. Oh well, too bad, so sad (I don't mean to sound glib, it actually really bummed me out). So he will take OD to lunch either the day before or after her birthday.
Then he called to whine about his taxes and to tell me he doesn't sleep anymore for fear that the IRS will come-a-knocking. He needed to know what I have done or intend to do. He is going to have to deal with his former best friend (BIL) since BIL is the CPA that has done our taxes. That should be interesting. BIL is the guy that WH wouldn't even walk into his house to pick up the girls last weekend.
But, I did good. I did not engage in any argument, I did not dig or jab, I just answered his questions.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Jean -
Hey. First off, I hope you didn't take my comment in my thread to you the wrong way the other day....I meant to put a smiley face in front of the comment "I will do the opposite" to show you I was "jesting"
I opened up a can of worms with my WH and DS thing.
Anyway, sorry to hear that your H won't be at OD's party. He can't show his face, huh? It is sad for her...does she know? How is she reacting?
Are you keeping the party low-key this year?
Gosh, I keep meaning to look up that game you told me about. What was the name of it again?
Take care!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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No offense taken at all! I was serious when I said to do the opposite of what I would do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I do not intend to keep OD's Bday low key, we are having a sleepover the night before, then either Build-a-bear or the zoo with the girls and their cousins. Then back home for some activities (OD wants an Australian Outback theme), then cake and ice cream when the grown ups are coming home from work. I am surprised that my narcissitic WH doesn't come. When he left in September, he actually asked if OW would be welcome to come to Christmas and Birthdays. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Now, he won't even show up. OD doesn't know yet, she has company tonight. She did go out to dinner with him one night last week, but YD didn't want to go. I told ya'll about fake Daddy-didn't I. He's in the den now, so I don't see him as often. They showed their dad last weekend, you would think that would break his heart, but.... I am keeping up with your situation with DS and WH. I just can't give you any good advice, either from a MB standpoint, or a legal standpoint. That does stink about his mom calling and trying to guilt trip you too ((Kim)) Oh the game was called "Healing Hearts". I don't know how you go about ordering it, the counselor had it, I'll see what I can dig up.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Sounds like you have a great birthday planned! I hope it is tons of fun --
Yeah, seems like fake dad would have jolted him some...maybe it did & he's just not showing it.
I am writing the name of that game down. I bet I could find it on an Internet search!
Sometimes I wonder if we are just gluttons for punishment....wink!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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