I spent 12 hours working outside yesterday. My storage shed looks so cute it makes you want to puke <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> The building is gray and had a rusted white door. The house is gray with burgundy doors/shutters. So, I found a $3.00 gallon of paint close to the burgundy. I have painted the shed door, found some shutters for $3 and painted and screwed them in. I have removed all the crap from both sides of the building, put some hand me down trellis on each side of the door. I found two big pots in the shed and painted them to match the doors/shutters and planted red/white striped petunias in them. YD says it looks like a peppermint candy! But, when I wash dishes, I see my precious little building and it makes me smile. And my total makeover cost $12 (half of that was the petunias)! I love being a cheapskate!

There is even enough room in there for the kids to play now. I still have another dump run or 12 in my future, but I am getting this place back in shape.

I also got rid of two broken mowers that were just junking up the place. I traded the mowers to someone who fixed the electrical box for the HVAC that was falling away from the house. And I traded my neighbor one of WH's tool thingy's for a chainsaw. I did call WH to get his permission to get rid of the mowers, as I am not supposed to sell anything without splitting the proceeds. But, I figure I can trade crap for services around the house.

I did email him with the short list of stuff I need in writing, same stuff I have been asking for for months. He said he will forward it to his attorney.

On a sad note, the guy who fixed the electrical box was looking around at all the crap I've been cleaning and organizing. He was pretty shocked at the stuff that WH has that he didn't take care of. He asked me how I put up with that for so long, it made me tear up, a complete stranger surveying the damage of WH's neglect.

I guess absence is not making my heart grow fonder. Not only am I seeing very clearly what a [censored] he is now, but I am starting to see what a jerk he has always been.

And I am not sure, but I think OW did a drive-by of my home yesterday. I can't be sure because I dn't know her new license plate number (my state is changing plate designs so everyone gets a new plate this year), but if it wasn't her, it was an uncanny coincidence.

hey jean

sounds like you're keeping busy

I had a crappy trigger last night. This stuff is on my mind alot but this one just hit pretty strong. I was talking to buddy about a night that the electricity went out when the girls and I were up at a friends farm. Then I remembered that earlier that night, I had called WH and told him the lights where out so we would probably come on home. He went whacko, saying that men just needed to sit in their underwear alone and watch TV sometimes. He did not want us home - found out later he was with OW.

So this leads me and my hamsters down the road looking at all his lies. And, my hamsters leap up on their pedestal like Olympic medalists saying "at least I didn't lie like that". And my hamsters stomp around in my brain feeling all superior and justified and they feel very entitled to the A that I had. Because honestly, I never lied to WH about the A. I did not do what he asked me to, he asked me not to see FOM and I did, but I really told him every step as the EA progressed.

The good news is, I am now able to watch my mental hamsters with amusement, much like I watch my children. My hamsters will finally figure it out one day. I am going to have to name those little guys soon.

On the non-mental side, I TM'd WH to inform him I emailed him Monday. He said he would handle forwarding it to his attorney. He hasn't even checked the email box yet (It is Thursday). My goal really is opening some channel of communication, that is something I need on some business type issues.

I really wish he could act like my H and still want the divorce. I wish I could divorce my H and not this guy. I am not surprised at who he became, I am surprised at his insistence at being that guy. It feels kinda like seeing someone who gained a ton of weight, maybe due to pregnancy, medicinal steroid use, or injury that left them bedridden for awhile. You can understand how they gained that extra 100 lbs, you are just surprised that they make no effort to lose some of it after the condition that caused the weight gain is gone.

I do believe that I do forgive WH for the A every day. I think I would forgive him for acting like an [censored] since then. I was going to say I don't think I can forgive him if this gets all the way to the divorce being finalized - but that is not true. I am not going to carry resentment for him. He has done nothing unforgiveable. I just really don't like who he is anymore.

So, I hear you using comparison as a payoff...judgment to your benefit...

Why compare you to him at all? Why not what he did, he did; you did, you did...

If you stopped yourself from comparing what he did, then you could stop comparing how he didn't do a Plan A...he didn't do what you did to stop his affair...

All that comparison has a payoff and a destructive slime trail...would you consider sending the mental hamsters on selective tasks?

LA

Hey, my hamsters don't leave slime trails, just little poopy landmines everywhere <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am going to dust off that ole plan B letter I never gave him. I may start hating him soon (well actually, I just feel more sorry for him - hate - pity - probably equally dangerous)

I called tonight to see what time he is picking up the girls tomorrow (they are going out of town so the pick up time would be different). I did not leave a message, he called back and he just had such a disgusted tone with me. After our brief conversation, I thought about giving him a quick note asking him not to return my calls if he is already in a mood. But I realized, I have already sent that note, several times, communicate nice or legal or not at all, but stop talking to me like that!!

I reread my month old plan B letter drafts, I'll have to start over, some of those feelings don't apply anymore.

He just left after picking up the kids for the weekend. The Father's Day issue was a tough one. I just didn't have any gumption to pick out a gift and the kids expressed no preference. So I sent a note and a check asking his sister to help them pick up something this weekend. I also helped the girls make cards with their picture printed on them.

He never checked his email, he says his internet is acting up. I guess it isn't kosher to read emails from your wife when you are at your mistress' house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I am so tired, physically and mentally.

Nothing much going on on the wayward front. He has been nice the last two contacts we had, and frankly, that freaks me out. He is late on his CS, so maybe that is why he is not being so snippy. I have been tempted to try and find out the status of him and OW, but I really don't want to know. I am scared of the idea of reconcilation so his distance is OK with me.

I have been putting in many hours in the yard, from dawn til dusk. I am really tired, but the yard is looking really good. I have to stop buying plants, I am becoming a junkie. When we bought this house in 1993, I had a vision for the backyard, I am finally making it happen. And I have some free privacy fence available to me at the end of the month if I cut it off the poles, so I can hide the crap that I am not allowed to get rid of.

I have 6 cars on my property, 1 driver, 6 cars, and I can't get rid of any of them. So I am going to put up this tall fence, line them all up by the back fence and cover all these cars.

I am also becoming a tad more social. And all the stuff about me that drove WH crazy, other people find interesting. Which makes me realize how I kinda become a zombie with WH. I can understand how he doesn't love me, he doesn't know me. People who know me think I am delightful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The girls are doing well, everything is leveling out.

Hi Jean.

You sound good. I understand completely about the garden and plant thing - I am very much the same! I had a huge clear out of my back yard the other week, and it's looking really good now. Nothing I like better than sitting out on the deck with a glass of wine on a warm evening.

If all goes to plan, this weekend is the first one the girls will be sleeping over at STBX's. Of course, he had them when I was in hosptial, but this weekend I could actually do something, like enjoy myself on my own! Any suggestions?

I'm glad your girls are doing OK. When the kids become happier and more stable, it helps us feel better too, doen't it?

Take care,

Alph.

Hey Alphin, give us an update after your weekend and let us know what you came up with. I personally like to hit the thrift stores and hardware stores, shopping at places the kids don't like so I have time to browse.
I get invited out to hang out with friends on the weekends, but I kinda like to sleep alot on Daddy days. Sometimes, I'll put in a movie and crawl into bed before the sun sets. Of course, I end up waking in the middle of the night.

On my WH update, it only took two weeks, but he finally read the email that I sent on the legal stuff. Remember, I am supposed to text message him to inform him I have emailed him, this is our new way of communicating.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

His work buddy has moved in with him as his wife has given him the "I don't know what I want but I know it is not you" speech. I would love to be a fly on the wall and hear how WH helps his friend deal with the loss of his family.

I have put up a flower box under my precious little shutters on my precious little tool shed. Martha Stewart would be so proud. I also got a nice stack of free landscape timbers to build up a flower bed in the front. I have pure clay there so I need a raised bed. I will chop down the free privacy fence panels early next week and figure out how to get these junk cars moved to the back yard.

I think I am going to take some of the clay that I have dug up and see if the girls and I can make sculptures or bricks and we will call it American History homework, learning how the Indians made crockery and stuff.

People have been telling me that I am becoming much more "me", more Jeanish and they are enjoying that. It seems that when I am with H, I hide so much of myself that I become sort of a blob. When I can be myself, I have a very attractive personality. It is so funny to talk about things that H thought were too weird, I can talk about these things with "normal" people and they know exactly what I am talking about. I think WH may be the "weird" one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thinking about love alot. I am reading other threads and want to reply, but I just don't feel that comfortable anymore. I am thinking about how my feelings for my H have changed, the ups and downs of the past 15 years. I think about OM and how my feelings for him have changed over the past 22 years. And I know it has very little to do with the men involved, but it was always about me.

For the first 10 years of our marriage, OM never crossed my mind. It was NOT a case of always wondering, what ifs and long lost loves. When I became affair vulnerable, OM was just in the right place and the right time. I reflect on how I have felt about OM before, during and after the affair and the affair feeling was much more intense. It was not about him, it was about my desperation.

But that bums me out, that I didn't know that WH was desperate, but enough about him.

My feelings for H have had a constant, a level of love that has never waned. I have had feelings of va-va-vavoom, I have had feelings of comfortablility, I have had feelings of only loyalty keeping us together, but the deep seated feeling, he is my husband , that has been a constant.

My friends have commented on how I say husband , that I say it with a sense of entitlement or something. And I think of how WH says wife and his tone of obligation and being stuck.

Oh well, guess I'll go mow, I do good self therapy while I mow.

Bad news this morning. Grandma's stepson died in a swimming accident yesterday. He lived with Grandma, she can't live alone. I will ask her to move in here.

Tough day yesterday for the girls. Grandma's stepson was like an uncle to the girls, a big fun guy at Grandma's house. They did pretty well until last night, then they had a big cry. We were at Grandma's all day yesterday helping her. I think Grandma will stay put, one of her granddaughters may move in with her.

The worst part is the neighbor girl that saw Uncle drown. She is 14 and she and her brother had gone to swim with uncle. He fell off the damn, and she tried to reach him. I hate the impact this is going to have on her.

WH told me today that he is moving out of state, 2 1/2 hours away. He still intends to see the girls every weekend. He is moving in July, sometime between the 14th and 28th.

Sorry to hear about your uncle. Tragic accidents like this are always hard to heal from. W/b a good time to let your children voice their thoughts on life, their uncle and their feelings. C/b revealing.

Now the WS is moving out of state? Why? Where? OW going with him? Sorry for all the questions.

How are you doing? Sorry my response took sooo long. Had a to deal with drama queen issues (YSIL) again and had to talk to FIL.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

I just finished writing WH a letter. It does feel like an ending to me. With his moving, I don't see reconcilation happening. Even if he asked, I would have to give up too much for such a long shot chance at recovery.

The kids are doing OK with Uncles death. They were just so surprised, he was young, like 35, it was just a freak accident. He was their Grandma's step son, just a big ole fun guy they saw at Grandma's house. We went to the funeral home for the visitation, but they didn't want to see the funeral. The body did not look like him at all, so I advised the girls not to see him in the casket. So they have a picture of him they want to use to remember him by.

WH is moving to Kentucky for a job thing. Same Korean mafia deal, I guess he is a full fledged member of the "team" now. I didn't ask if OW was going. It doesn't really matter. I don't see how he will maintain the relationship with the girls, he is planning on spending 10 hours on the road every weekend??

I am really missing that SOB that I married, I do hate this WH guy.

Hope your family drama turned out OK. Thanks for checking in.

On a happier note: I went to Lowe's for some "retail therapy" yesterday. I checked out the clearence plants and you would not believe the sale they had. They had full racks of plants, the price for the whole rack was $20.

I grabbed one up, they had to ring up each plant seperately then take the mark-down. The retail value of the plants on my rack was: (drum roll please)











$380.80 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Happy dance, happy dance (except I have 58 plants to dig holes for) I am going to try to get some planted before work today. I hope the kids won't kill me. They are trying to get a motion passed, banning me from anymore gardening!

Ohmygosh! What a deal...wow.

Sincerely.

Retail therapy...huge doses of admiration and appreciation.

Now, what EN is sore knees and hurting lower back?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're read, Jean. Thought of and prayed for. How's the barrel?

LA

Thanks Loving Anyway,

The rain barrel still sits, but now it sits with a lovely plant atop!! I'm scared to hack through the gutter, I'll take the plunge soon.

It's raining right now, or I'd be digging. But tomorrow is YD's 7th birthday, so I have a guitar shaped cake to make.

I'm sad, but I am PMSing and I am taking the news of WH's move pretty good (imo).

You can call me LA, Jean...I consider us friends.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So it is a rain barrel...and I would image every horizontal surface in your yard holds a lovely plant atop by now...

LOL

Hey, do you think there's a jingle in your retail therapy adventure?

"When you're feeling Lowe's...we're here."

LOL

I'm laughing from embarrassment of thinking of that. "The emotional fix-it store." "We have fixes for everything...even your heart."

It isn't a 3-foot guitar-shaped cake, is it?

I think you're processing WH's news with detachment...knowing you have no say...and that his decisions will reflect solely on him. I can't think of anyone who can communicate this as well to his daughters than you can.

I'd hire you if I was in the same situation and had young kids...I would.

Know your strengths, Jean. They're yours. I await the post when you have all your plants lodged, and are sipping ice tea on your patio, in blooming glory.

LA

The scary thing is that the girls haven't said a word about it. He said they had talked about it, I have a feeling they are not informed of the full situation. Who knows, maybe he will keep up the visitation schedule. But that will be 10 hours of driving for him each weekend, 5 of those with the kids in the car, I'm not sure they will love that.

I'm thinking it will be at least 2 ft long (the cake that is), I may have to make a few small music note cakelettes to go with it. YD is not as big on the games as OD was. We will have sprinklers for playing and a lively game of "pin the pollen on the daisy". So I need to crank out a daisy poster for our game tomorrow. She is having a small sleepover tonight so I have four girls in the house. They all swam all day, I was kinda hoping they would be wiped out - I am. But I got my 10 pots of daylilies planted, uncovered a lovely ant hill, made some mulch since I have run out. I planted something this morning, but I can't remember what it was. I had a good day at work, in between the yard work, I would have loved to have called in 'sick' but I am not a good lier. And I had a patient that made some great progress today and that always gives me warm fuzzies.

I am grinding my teeth so much these days that I am sure a cracked tooth is in my immediate future. I literally check my mouth every AM to make sure all my teeth are still intact.

I hate PMS, I hate divorce and I am in a rotten mood. But I'll get over it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />