One of the reasons I admire you very much, Jean, is for your direct honesty.

Where was it in this last post? I don't see it. Help me out.

LA

Maybe that is because my last post was all about WH and I can't be honest about a subject I don't understand.

I always appreciate you calling me on my BS. Feel free to help me again if I am getting all delusional again.

Okay...then how about you in that memory? What was your part? Your feelings? What do you feel NOW?

LA

I felt like I was being prostituted out by my husband.

"WH does have a crazy history. When he first met FOM, I think a typical reaction would have been to punch him."

This would be a DJ...remember, my DH was in the same position and this wasn't his reaction, either.

Did you learn in the nearly the year of reconciliation what BH felt at that time, thought and believed?

"But my WH, gave him a job a let him sleep in the den. WH and FOM were working late one night and had an early morning. I was at the house with the kids. WH and FOM came home, WH put him up in the den, WH woke me up from the couch and sent me to the den. Then WH went to sleep with his wife and her lover sleeping down the hall."

You felt like a prostitute when you were having an affair?
Your BH was showing you, at the time, that he knew you were choosing to be with OM?

That he went to sleep with OMW and her lover, well, I don't recall knowing OM was married or that his BW was cheating, also.

I see kids in this scenario, not adults...not prostitutes...silent aggression, a lot of pain from rejection, confusion...when love gets turned inside out...then it's a weapon.

So, no...go deeper...you felt cheap and used...why? Because BH was honoring your wishes or rejecting you? Or showing you off? Giving you away? What?

LA



I don't think that is normal.

He never wanted to talk about how he felt about the affair. He liked OM, they played chess and talked politics and worked together.

I felt like a wh0re when I was having the affair. I only felt like a paid wh0re when my BH woke me up so I could go to the den and sleep with OM. OM wasn't married, I confused you, sorry.


I felt rejected. There is no way in the world I could stand to have WH and OW sleep together under the same roof as me. It pains me that BH was able to do that. That he was so indifferent to me. I would have been up puking all night had it been me. I puked alot after his d-day. He couldn't understand how grief was making me hurl.

He wasn't respecting my wishes. He was showing me how little he ever cared.

That's what BH said back then..."This is how much I don't care. I woke you up so I could show you that you don't matter to me...I woke you up because OM matters to me more."

That's what he said? How did he? You said he didn't talk about your affair.

And NOW I see what you were saying...geesh...did I have that all messed up and backwards.

Did you giggle, even a little, at my blonde moment?

My DH doesn't talk about my A much, either. What I don't presume is that he didn't care...he was SHREDDED...you don't know what your BH felt...or why he did what he did...your DJ hurts YOU...repeatedly...like a WW does to justify her A...can you see that? We told ourselves they didn't care and looked for proof...which was a DJ...and we made our choices, felt a lot of feelings from that DJ...and blamed them.

We did that...to them and to ourselves.

Holding others to our own standards...and we are not even holding to our own at the time...

That's where I was going...before I got lost...

My OM LIVED under the same roof.

LA

I'm not ignoring your last post LA, I just don't want to waste any more time trying to justify my actions based on what I perceive that WH is feeling.

Did you read my aah-haa moment post? A mini-epiphany that will hopefully, serve me well.

Anyway...
YD had her first mini-day at school yesterday. It was just paperwork for the parents. But she has her little lunch box and back pack and she seems very pleased to be starting school. OD is good, I am excited to have some one on one time with her coming up, for some intense homeschooling.

I bought 166 clearance plants at Lowe's for $50. It was over $800 worth. I'm going to wait until it cools off before I kill myself digging. I may use this heat wave as a reason to do the girls bedroom makeover. OD wants a water theme and YD wants a genie theme. I'm going to switch bedrooms with them so they can have the bigger area. I have in mind a clam shaped chair for OD's side, and a genie bottle chair for YD's side. I'll take pics of the before and after. (But since I have not had the birthday pics developed yet, don't hold your breath for makeover pics!).

I bought a pumice stone to try and soften my wedding ring callous. I am sure there is some analogy that can be made about that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Life is pretty good. I am enjoying many aspects of my life right now.

YD has started school, she hopped on that bus without ever looking back. She is such a pistol! OD misses her, but we can get alot of good 4th grade stuff done at home without YD.

I am starting up with the panic attacks again, I hate that. I should have a logical reason for getting in that condition, but I don't. So I go dig a hole and plant something.

WH yelled at me for about an hour the other day. Seems his life is falling apart and it is still all my fault. Nice to know my evil powers reach across state lines! And he called me ma'am, "yes ma'am" when he understood the kid schedule. He can't get them this weekend. He didn't want to get them this past weekend, but I didn't give him a chance to tell me that, I just said where they would be for the pick up and hung up (very cheerfully).

Oh, his newest rule is - only people who like him can babysit while I work (since he can't). He doesn't want my mom watching them, because she doesn't like him. I have pretty slim pickings on babysitters then! Heck, I don't even like him, and I have the kids all the time!

My neighbor's and her husband have split up, they have kids the same age as mine. So it has brought up some yucky feelings for the girls. YD cried about the divorce for the first time in a very long time.

And so it goes on...

Tomorrow is my D-day anniversery. I have had a funky few days, remembering the days that led up to my finding the text messages on his phone.

I don't really have anything to say to him anymore. I do have questions that I would like answered, but they won't be so I have to let those go. I do wish I loved him enough to wait this out, but I don't think I do. I have a meeting with my lawyer to go over the current draft of the paperwork. I have given up on him participating in this divorce, so I am going to go ahead and get the ball rolling again.

As I reflect on this anniversery, all I get is evidence of more lies. Over this past year, I have not seen any redeeming qualities in my husband. He has been a complete jack-a$$ since D-day.

OD's homeschooling is going well, YD hates school but her dad asked her to stick it out until this weekend so they could talk. The animals are all well, it is raining in the gardens, so that is nice. I accidentally dug up a cable, the one to the satellite dish that we don't use anymore. I am thankful it wasn't something important. I found a truck for $200 that I can buy to haul free mulch home from the recycling plant! I haven't bought it yet, maybe next week.

So should I send WH a "happy anniversery" message ?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Jean...

"Oh, his newest rule is - only people who like him can babysit while I work (since he can't)."

Would you consider that he fears additional alienation from his DDs...where you could ask for clarification on the the word "like"...and agree to not allow those who do not support his actions to not communicate their opinions to the girls, instead of having to "like" him? That it would be a boundary for DDs you would be willing to enforce?

I dunno...just looking to aid you in freeing yourself from this cycle...and the eve of DDay anniversary is the worst possible time...was for me...I'm in the second anniversaries of FWH's affair and I haven't thought about it until now...we'll see.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why should you have a logical reason for panic attacks when you emotional ones?

Hmmm?

And they are...aren't they? They just are...accepting you have them, you're not wrong or bad to have them (or crazy)...how would that feel?

Digging holes...you are your own cure and you TAKE that cure.

How awesome.

Your decision to move forward on the D...how does that feel?

If I said, "Keep on truckin'" would you hit me, or are you not old enough to cringe if I said that?

LA

I signed the final draft of the agreement today, now we will see if WH will sign it. We can be divorced within a month if he will sign them.

I found a new nursery today, they had herbs on sale for 50 cents a pot. So we bought parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme and will call it our "Simon and Garfunkle" garden. Lots of lavender too, and some other stuff that no one has written a song about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My OD seems to have a green thumb. She made a flower arrangement out of some stuff she cut out of the gardens. Once they wilted, she meticuously removed the seeds, germinated them in a baggie with a coffee filter and viola! she has sprouts! We potted them up today, but I did not touch them or they would die. She has seen me try to harvest and germinate seeds, but I haven't had any success. I would be so tickled if her first try ends up working.

YD went to school today and seemed to have a better day. I am slightly indifferent to whether she attends school or returns to homeschooling. Either way will work for us.

I have been faithfully using the pumice stone on my callouses from the rings that WH had bought me. They are softening, and my feet look nicer too!

Happy D-Day anniversary to me!

And yes, LA, I get that WH wants to protect what little bit of fathering he still has. My lawyer said this was a no-brainer as the papers clearly state that the children are not to hear negatives about either parent-from anyone. I doubt he has even read the papers, he hasn't taken his parenting class yet. We'll see if he will do anything at all to assist in the divorce process, besides doing the screwing around.

edited because I had the wrong band in mind

D-day anniversary reflections:

I think about where I was a year ago, how my life feels so much more different now. Now, I am living in truth, not illusion. I surround myself with people who choose to live in truth, no illusion. I don't have much, but what I do have is real and honest. My kids and I are well, a lot lovin' going on in our home. I am getting my finacial house in order, making decisions based only on my and my children's best interest. I may become very leery of ever melding anyone else's finances with mine again. I like to know who has my back, my innocence is gone.

I think about remarriage, if I could ever trust those words again. I know that I could speak them in truth, because I know from where I am speaking them (that repentant, shameful place). It is so much like my alcoholism. I am grateful that I am an alcoholic because it brought me closer to God. My waywardness brought me closer to my truth.

I wish I could say that I wish WH well, but I don't. If he has a personal recovery, I will always be sad that I didn't get the benefit of the former WH. I do believe that FWS make great mates. If he never recovers, I don't want to see him and OW happily rolling around in their sty. It would hurt to know that he has lost all his truth.

I am scared of some big test coming up. I am scared that WH may turn around and I don't want that to happen anymore. I do think there has been too much damage. And that makes me feel like a failure.

Jean,

Repeat after me: I am not a failure.

This means u r not a failure. Got it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

I have had a hairy couple of days. The anniversary coupled with raging PMS has not been at all pleasant.

A friend told me yesterday, that even if WH and I reconciled, I would end up leaving him within 6 months. I wonder if that is true. I don't think I would leave, I would just accept the fact that I have a loveless marriage and keep plugging along.

I used the guinea pig litter (cedar chips with poop and pee in it) around my new herb garden and it is driving the dog nuts. She is a good squirrel hunter and the smell of guinea pig waste has her terribly upset.

As far as my feelings of failure, I wish I could have that kind of love that made me wait for WH. But it has been so long since I have seen a glimpse of anything human in him... I am trying to believe that I do deserve better than WH. Even though I am a FWW, I do think I deserve better than this-I think. So then I try the angle of "What if he and OW are really happy together?". That kind of works for me. If that is the kind of person he is attracted to, oh well. The thought of them snuggling on her couch, then me calling and him lying to me about where is was-and she just listened to it and that was OK with her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, WH got the papers, and will not sign them. He is mad and wants to put together a counter offer. So I guess this is going to take awhile. There is not much I am willing to concede on. I really wrote them up with exactly what he offered.

I'm tired.

Ha! U mean you wrote them up with what he offered and he is mad? U see the insanity here, right? He can't even recognize his own offer. LOL!!! That's the mindset of lack thereof of a WS 4 u. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Kick your feet up and relax.

L.

Jean,

Still tired? How will fall affect your hole-digging, planting, growing, reshaping?

Does not conceding on take energy?

How are the girls? The vehicles out back?

Work?

Your dreams?

There is no score for any of these answers...this questionnaire is optional.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thinking of you...

LA

Hi jean,

I come around every so often, mostly lurking. Looking to see how some of you are doing.


I see your WH is still being a big headache and more.
When will he ever end????????????????????????.


I think all your planting has really been a therapuetic thing for you and a gift. I wish my yard looked as beautiful as yours must.


It also reminds me of this...

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under the sun.

A time to be born, and a time to die.
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal.
A time to break down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to dance.

And so on...Ecclesiastes 3.

Then it says in verse 11 He has made everying beautiful in its time. And whatever God does, it shall be forever. Then it talks about the judgement....I won't go into that part....lol. It just all reminded me of the time you have been in. And God will make all things beautiful in His time for you. Hold on to Him.

Lady

Thanks for checking in ladies, good to "see" you ladysheep, how are things with you?

Let's see, no divorce talk with WH since my last post. I will give him another week to put together a counter offer, then I will ask my attorney about setting a court date.

Kids, cars, animals, all OK. Still can't sell anything so I am just going to plant stuff around it! The plant obsession is tapering off, I don't get a warm fuzzy from it anymore. So I will stop buying and just start getting the existing beds nice and manicured. It is a little scary for me to be in-between obsessions, I don't really know what to do with my mind.

I have thought alot about what the on going attraction to WH is, at this point. I think it has more to do with a validation of who I am. The reconciliation redeemed me, I was valid again. WH never really cared who I was, I resented just being "the wife" or "the womb". But, now I know I took comfort in his not wanting to know me. It meant that I could stay hidden and only be identified by the labels he and society gave me.

It is a little unnerving to come out of my shell. Afraid of not measuring up. Before, if I didn't fit the bill, I did not take it personally. If I am really going to be me, and that is still not good enough-that will pretty much stink.

My sister says I need therapy for my fear of intimacy issues. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Right now, I think intimacy may be highly over-rated. I just want easy and anything involving me tends to get real complicated.