Hi, Jean. Just popping my head in to say hello. Your last post is interesting... that it's more about self validation than an actual attraction to WH.... I think it's great that you can recognize that.

I am working hard to get past my roadblocks. I am trying to get everything in sync as I move forward with the divorce. There is no logical reason to staying married and many logical reason to get divorced. The only thing that keeps me married is this small little voice, the one that says maybe WH could experience that thing that makes a WS repentant and dedicated to their family again.

Honestly, were I not a FWW, I don't think I would have stalled on the divorce this long. But the love and dedication I felt after we reconciled - WOW, I would love to have WH feel that way. But I also know that the two periods of separation are so different, there is no reason to believe that WH will get to where I got. He is in another state, we don't communicate at all, except for dealing with the kid swaps, he has stayed mad at me for a year and I still don't know what he is mad about (other than the fact that he has really messed up and it is NOT my fault this time).

I need to stop needing WH to be the meter that decides my level of shame and repentance. I am looking for some outside validation that I am sorry, and WH is just not the guy for the job. His affair is NOT a by-product of my affair. There was no justification for what I did and I am tired of WH sounding like a third grader when he says, "Well YOU started all this".

If WH ever went through that process that makes a WS a FWS, I guess we could always give it another shot. But, there is still the issue of WH not liking me. That would be difficult to overcome. But, do I believe what he said when we reconciled or what he said after his affair started?? He really seemed to like me-until he met OW. He seemed happy-until he met OW.

I wanted to find out if WH did anything about getting a counter offer together. If not, I was going to give him another week before requesting a court date. But I am still holding out for some glimmer of something. I think I will call the attorney and go ahead and request a court date. I do not want to fight with WH about this divorce. I need one last surge of uumph so I can get through the legal proceedings.

Surprisingly enough, WH did get the settlement agreement to his attorney last week and they are working on their counter offer. I am trying to focus on the logical thinking that should say "Good, now we are getting somewhere". But the emotional side is still very sad.

May I submit...

"He really seemed to like me-until he met OW. He seemed happy-until he met OW."

What your WH thought, felt and believed when you reconciled...he stopped sharing with you. He seemed...all up to you to assume, see, know by what...telepathy?

Had you said...he said he was happy until he met OW...this might still apply...

True intimacy, the state of knowing, daily, even hourly, what is within your partner is not within your control.

You've pondered him not knowing the real you...and if he kept the real him in a compartment...no access...then what are you dissolving in reality? Could this be a new agreement, this D, to live in truth? To know what you are NOT knowing and to know what you know about yourself?

Could that last little voice be...more of what blocked the intimacy, instead of a true voice, showing you better what was your reality?

LA

Hi Jean,


Life is going good here, Jean, not perfect but good. Going forward slowly, one day a time. Triggers are less, and the anger is gone, thankfully. Forgiveness for this one was the hardest forgiveness I've ever given, honestly I took it back a few times, then would have to forgive again and then again. Overall some good recovery has happened here for our marriage and the whole family. I'm finally seeing some stability on a daily basis.

I started back to work a few months ago part time. It feels good to be working again.

School is starting here on Thursday. My ODS, 17 yrs old, is in 10th grade. And YDS, 4 yrs old, will be starting Head Start soon 1/2 day. So we are preparing for that.

I come here and hope and pray every marriage will be restored. It's hard to see the ones that aren't Jean. I want that so much for yours and every family. And you know, I've been on the single side for many years also, and I know one can live happily single also.

You know that whatever happens, I will always hope and pray all the best for you and the girls.

Blessings,
Lady

I say that WH liked me before he met OW because he told me (after D-day) of the very purposeful actions he took in order to stop liking me.

And I resist the idea that WH kept himself in a box. I think I knew him pretty well. I don't want to believe I was as bad of a wife as that.

But then again, we have to look at what is my pay-off for being the self-righteous victim martyr person.

Ladysheep, glad things are smooting out for you.

Hi Jean,

One thing about infidelity, it's devastation causes us to loose confidence in who we are as a woman and how much we are loved.

I'm writing in hopes you will listen to "The Confident Woman." These are the past 2 days broadcasts. (links below).
And I am hoping you will come to terms with how much you "really" are loved.

http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/broadc...;section_id=NA

Blessings,
Lady

Thanks Ladysheep, I'll give that a listen when I have some quiet time.

You know, this didn't really mess with my self esteem much. I didn't take it real personally. OW is nothing like me, so it is not like he got the "new and improved" model. He wanted something completely different.

Oh, and I think I know why OW did not move to Kentucky with WH. Rumor is, if your citizenship application is denied, you can't leave the state that you are applying from. And since OW got denied (as rumor has it), she can't leave Tennessee. And WH moved to KY anyway...

Really? Her citizenship application was denied? YIPEE!!! When is she suppose to go back?

What's the purpose of the WS moving to KY?

L.

I don't know that much about her citizenship status. Remember the meeting that WH, OW and OWH's had? OWH was telling WH he didn't care if WH was boinking his wife, just don't mess up there application process (and shut the little wifey up!). Apparently, OWH got approved, OW was denied and OWH promptly divorced her! This all happened in December (we actually filed for divorce on the exact same day).

Grandma has a DIL who is Asian, and she is the one that said that OW can't leave the state and it is very bad news that her application was denied. I don't know how much of the above info is fact, the only thing I am sure of is OWH divorced her as I have a copy of their divorce papers.

As far as WH's move, he was doing service work for the "Korean Drycleaning Mafia", they sent him to KY to manage one of the cleaners they bought. They needed a redneck working in this small town so they asks WH. The money is the same and the work is more brain than brawn.

Grandma speculated that they sent WH up to KY to get some of the affair fallout to cool down. He was, after all, boinking a nice little married Korean woman, someone may have frowned on that a tad.

Just had a big thing happen. I called WH to see what time he was getting the kids, he was busy and quickly said "Jean, I'll call you back in a second". Just hearing him say my name (which is not Jean by the way), I just died a little inside. Luckily I didn't cry when he called back, we got through the quick information transfer.

Hearing him say my name, WOW, it had such an effect on me. He has been calling me ma'am lately-I have no idea why. I felt such love for him and such desire not to see him hurt. It was painful but I think it was another chunk of healing. I am not angry or bitter anymore. I just love him and if I have to contain my love to the realm of brotherly love and love for my fellow man, than I can do that.

I thought I envied people here who could wait and wait for their WSs. I thought they loved more than me. I don't think that is true today. I loved that SOB more than ... I loved him alot. It is not sounding very epiphany-ish, but it sure felt like something big. I am just weeping here, but it will be OK.

Yesterday was our 15th wedding anniversary, tomorrow is one year since he grabbed his garbage bag of clothes and left. I have done well resisting the urge to remind him of any of these anniversaries. I think one thing that a WS needs, is knowing that recovery is possible without the life sentence of having it thrown up in your face. I know for me, if BH had acted hurt, angry and bitter, I never would have had the balls to initiate the reconciliation talk.

I don't think I want him back, I have shifted to just needing an amicable relationship for the kids sake. I don't think the OW thing will last and I have made it very clear that I won't have any dealings with that peice of crap. So I can strive to having some sort of coparenting relationship with WH and count the blessings that I have in my life.

His lawyer is supposed to be working on a counter offer, but he has had the papers for a couple of weeks and I have heard nary a peep. If this divorce is going to happen, I would like it done soon so I can refi the house solo and save some money.

Jean -

Hey there! Catching up on you - I agree. keeping the anniversary dates to yourself is the way to go. I wish I could get inside your WH's head and find out if he this was all worth it for him.

How are your girls doing?

Take care,

Kim

Hey Kim,
The girls are doing pretty well. They are in separate Girl Scout troops this year, YD is in school but OD is still homeschooled. OD is starting 4-H club today. YD loves her teacher and is doing well in school. OD is doing well, working more independantly with her homeschooling.

My brother bought me a truckload of mulch for my birthday! My weedeater finally got fixed after being in the shop for 2 months. I have gone ahead and made a deal to sell one of the junker cars (even though the D is not final). I need some cash for the kids extracurriculars and if WH wants half the money, I'll just send him a bill for half the activity fees.

I have a funky chest cold. But I have been making myself horehound tea with horehound out of my very own herb garden!

And I made a new guinea pig cage! I bought lumber and used power tools and I did it! I needed a bigger cage since I have been promising we could get another guinea pig. I still need to attach the lid, I needed a solid lid since the kitten insists on sitting atop the guinea pig cage. Kitten has fallen in the cage twice-talk about an unnerving experience for all involved!

I have gone ahead and asked my lawyer to request a court date. WH has still not responded with a counter offer and he has had the papers for close to a month. I think I am wanting to get this divorce done as some kind of protective measure. I really wanted to wait out the affair, then see what would happen, but I am scared to wait it out.

The past year has given me more clarity on what our relationship was really like. WH has always just settled for me, I don't think he ever really loved me. I was just the lady that stayed out of his face and let him do what he wanted. I loved him, but that is OK.

I am working through my guilt and shame issues. I need to get it, that my repentance is not measured by WH.

The kids and pets are all fine. I got the truckload of mulch put down. I will need to build another guinea pig cage soon as I am sure that babies will be on their way soon. I figure I'll have one cage for boys and one for girls and hopefully we won't be in the baby business for long. I think guinea pigs have small litters, so I can handle one litter. The are actually kinda cute, as cute as rodents can be.

My attorney has not gotten back to me about a court date. WH hasn't seen OW for weeks (according to him). I think I want to get this divorce done before WH starts having second thoughts.

jean

I DO NOT believe your H never loved you

your FEELINGS now are taking control of your memories and thoughts....just like what happens with the WS to allow them to shut off thier feelings for the BS

i hope you can remember the reality of the past years together

'I don't think he ever really loved me' is a stage I'm going through right now, too.

You're right, Eav - it is a variety of BS fog.

If we look back on all the good times we had with our STBX partner, and they are tainted with 'I don't think he ever really loved me when we did this or that', well, then there's less to grieve for.

That's how it works for me, anyway. The loss of someone who once really did love you is unbearable.

Alph.

I agree Jean - your WH did love you. I can see how you would want to go ahead and have the D final. I can see myself feeling the same way.

Glad your girls are doing good. DS is finally having some better days at school. I have been so worried about him.

Hey, you are getting to be a whiz with those power tools!!

Kim

Thanks for the support guys.

We have the first court date, November 3rd we go to court to request a court date for the final hearing. Hopefully, WH will respond before then and we can settle this out of court. I do not feel up to bargaining my way out of a marriage that I did not want out of.