Pointless vent:

This weekend, WHex was giving the kids a hard time about the homeschooling. He said to them "One day, your Mom is going to drop dead and I am going to put your a$$es in school".

Wow, I don't even know what to do with this information.

My 39th birthday is next month. I have decided it is time to start my forty and fabulous campaign. I read once, the body you have when you're twenty is what God gave you, the body you have when you're forty, is what you earned. So, I want to have a body I am proud of when I am forty. That gives me 13 months. I would also like to have a home I am proud of.

On the home front, I am going to have floors installed. My carpet is 14 year old, construcyion grade carpet. I am getting laminate in the living room and the hallway. It is more than I want to pay, but it will be DONE. I thought about doing it myself, but that will just never happen. So I will suck it up and pay someone to do it and the job will be finished.

Then I will have nice floors that will prompt me to paint the baseboards and trim since they will look bad next to the floors. The walls have been painted since ex left, so they are in good shape. I just need some pictures and kinck knacks to personalize my space.

My bedroom is a mess, I pulled the kids wallpaper down and that was it. So, I need to get that space done. I need to get back on the yard work. Maybe I can afford some new gravel in the driveway.

On the body front, I bought a generic total gym. The kids and I have been working out regularly. I spent some money on mineral make-up that I love, love, love! For my two year D-day anniversary, I got my first bikini wax (I tried to do it myself, it was a disaster and I had to find an emergency waxologist <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) I have been exfoliating with used coffe grounds, strange but very, very effective. I have considered Lasix, but am spending the $$ on floors instead.

I am starting September with the month's worth of bill $$ in the bank. That feels good, plus I have money in savings and a plan to keep adding. I have to wean myself off the transitional alimony, so I will just put all that in savings and get used to living without it.

So, in the next 13 months, I plan to:
1.Get the house in shape, I shouldn't have to ,make excuses
or apologize when I have company.
2. Be comfortable in a size 10-12 (preferably more of a 10). I am currently a 14-16.
3. Be more comfortable with the feminine stuff. My new make-up is great, I wear it everday now. I need to update my hair. I just never paid that much attention to how I look. Like I have said before, I feel like I am going through puberty with my kids again.
4. Have my two little store credit cards paid off and hammering away at the one bigger card balance. Be in a position to replace my old car when needed.

Hopefully, I can add more goals once they become clear to me.

I signed the contract for the floor installation and while I was at it, I asked the sales guy out for a date. Tee-hee-hee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Friday was a rough kid swap. Ex didn't do anything good or bad, it was all in my head. The loving feelings I have for him are doing nothing but cause me pain. So, I googled "how to fall out of love". I ordered a book off of Amazon.com that teaches behavioral modification, Pavlov's theory and associating your ex with something vile.

Well, I can't go too vile, I do have to deal with him for the kid's sake. So I have been searching for just the right combo of yuckiness to train my brain. I think I have finally found it, I wrote it on my wall (it needs to be painted so I write important, permanent messages by my desk). It is in code, so the kids won't get it, but everytime I think lovingly of Ex, I see my message and I get all yuckified.

We will see if this strategy works. Being in love with him is something I have trained myself to do, there is no pay off, just pain. Plus, he has moved back to my area, he will be around my social circle again, I need protection or I will drive myself crazy. (If I am not already there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Having some anxiety issues again. I did buy a new used vehicle, paid cash, nothing out of my savings, so that felt good. But there is that panic, "I am making major decisions by myself, what if I screw up!". But, I bet if you interviewed all my social circle and asked who they wanted to be there to count on-it would probably be me. So, I am very lucky to have me in my corner!

Ex is also going to be in my back yard this weekend, and that has me a little edgy. He is helping my BIL moved something he has stored here. having Ex at my front door for the kid swap is one thing, having him in my backyard is different-more personal. I have done a lot of work back there, made a lot of changes and they are just kind of private to me. Weird, huh??

But the new van purchase is one thing marked off my "fabulous and forty" list.

Why allow him in your backyard if you don't want him there? BIL can get someone else to help him.

BIL is too cheap to hire someone to move this storage building that I have been storing for him. I am just glad my sister told me what was up or I would have had no idea what Ex and BIL would be doing.

It just bugs me, for two years, I haven't been allowed to have Ex's address. I don't want him in my space.

But if I make a stink about it, no one will understand and they will think I am being petty and childish.

I have offered to pay for a third party to move the storage building. Hopefully, BIL will take me up on the offer and let a professional do it. If not, I will just use this to start learning on how to deal with Ex being back in town.

Bottom line, if he is not going to be with me, I would rather not deal with him at all. Petty, yes, but it is how I feel. And since he has continued to be such a pr!ck to me, I just don't him in my space at all.

But I have to stop freaking out about this, he is just not worth it.

Storage building mover just loaded up and left and the floor install guys are in here hammering away!

I gave the girls a bunch of magic markers and let them go to town on the old carpet last night. Of course, they liked their art work so much, they decided to save it. So I had a crocodile, cow and some flowers cut out of the carpet this morning.

Ex was interesting this weekend, I think he can't even make up his mind whether he is going to hate me or not. So I won't waste anymore space trying to figure him out on this post.

My new budget is getting hard to deal with. I tried carrying cash for the week, I am so used to whipping out the check card for everything. And of course the van purchase gave me some unexpected bills with tags and license stuff. Plus, Ex missed a CS payment, but I'll get it evened out this week. Discipline, not my strong suit, but I just have to focus on the payoff.

I do need to stop focusing on the payoff as far as dieting goes. It seems the more I think about my figure, the larger it gets. So I will go back to ignoring my weight and maybe it will go away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think I have figured out Ex's operating procedure as to if he is going to be crappy to me or not. It seems he will be decent when he is behind on his child support, but will be crappy to me when he is current.

So as long as he stays behind, I don't deal with his bad attitude. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

New floors are nice, had to get one spot repaired under a doorjamb. New van is good, it is just a whole lotta vehicle to be driving around, the kids seem so far away.

Oh, Ex knew how much I paid for the floors and said he had heard about the van purchase. That pleased me to know that Ex does fish for info about my life, BIL must have told him.

I did realize the other day, I am as happy as I was during the best of my marriage. I would still rather be married, but I have gotten over the bad hump of the divorce. I still have anxiety about major decisions. I was researching mutual funds yesterday and had to take a nap, I get scared thinking about making grown up decisions.

I still hold on to some desire for reconciliation, I say desire instead of hope. But I do believe that this desire is just a defense mechanism I am using to stay stuck. I have realized how scared I am to trust or get emotionally intimate with someone.

Just dumping some feelings so I can go on about my day.

Ex came to pick up YD today to take her to open a savings account. She has worked hard to save up $$ and is very proud of herself. When he pulled in, my dog seemed to be having some type of seizure in the yard. Ex was very caring and went to be with the dog. Together, we sat with the dog until she was able to walk. It touched me that he cared about this pet that has no attachment to him (I got her after Ex left).

He came inside, we chatted, he is concerned about his health, he opened up to me about some issues he is having. He took YD to the bank, they came back and he was still pleasant. He stayed for a few minutes, just pleasant chit chat.

So, Ex was decent to me, Happy Birthday to me!!

Oh, it is my birthday, which he never acknowledged.

I am so disgustingly easy to please, just don't yell at me and I will stay in love with you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So my dog is probably dying, I'll have to get her to the vet and see what is going on. My YD is dancing around singing her account number which she has already memorized. I turn 39 today , so I have 365 days to fulfill my "forty and fabulous" goals.

Happy 39 Birthday Jean!! I hope its the best!

I don't come here much any more because at this time I'm really not interested in saving my marriage. I think it's done for.

It's wonderful to see how far you've come in 2 years time. I knew you and the girls would survive.

A new floor and a new van...Wow..congratulations!! Just last year you were wondering where you were gonna get your next dime.

Sorry to hear about your poor dog, I hope it's nothing serious, and he gets better soon.

Again Happy B-Day!!

Blessings,
Lady

Awwww, thanks Ladysheep for stopping by. I am sorry to hear that things are as they are in your marriage. I hope that you get through this with as little pain as possible.

I had a nice birthday, my kids were great, the dog seems OK now. All is well....

I did good today. I was cleaning out my filing cabinet. I had folders of info I had collected about OW and OWH. I had letters and notebooks of writing I had done after D-day. I just ID'd the stuff as trash and then I threw it out.

Normally, I would feel the need to examine every peice of paper to relive that pain. Today, I decided against it, it is all in the dumpster now - Yeah! Me!

If you saw my legal question post, you probably deduced that Ex is being a poopyhead again. The situation itself is not that important, it is only $$. My issue is why do I let him yell and scream at me like that. I have to learn some boundaries and learn to hang up on him until he can speak calmly to me. I don't let anyone scream at me like that, and he never did it when we were married. Why do I put up with it now?

I am in a purging mood again. Throwing stuff away left and right. Since I had the new floors put in, I am keeping the living room very tidy and clutter free. It has prompted me to declutter some other areas.

I also decided to declutter my intestinal tract, I am drinking a disgusting mixture of clean out crud a couple of times a day. I feel better, I was starting to just get all draggy and stale feeling.

OK ,coffee break over, back to getting another corner clean!

I kinda just keep this post running to act as my journal.

Ex is really PO'd, who knows about what. The kids came home from their weekend with him with all kinds of stories. They listed all the cuss words Daddy used about me. Apparently, it is my fault he has not had a date in four months.

It is a strange place to be, if anyone else talked like that in front of the kids, I wouldn't let them be around the kids. I talked to the girls, asked them how they felt when Daddy talked about me like that. I will step in if they tell me that they don't want to see him right now. Sadly, they are getting pretty used to his anger. if he is not mad at me, he is cursing at drivers or cashiers or bank tellers.

Since he has prematurely stopped paying alimony, he is in contempt on five different things from the divorce agreement. I am not going to push the issue, as long as he just backs off. So now, he just stays in the car when dropping off the kids. But that his better than him slamming my door and squealing out of here.

But, I made a lovely dinner for the girls and I. Roasted chicken with herbs from my garden!

Oh, I let work know about the alimony issue, they are happy to throw me some more patients. So the money thing will be OK. And of course, that will pi$$ the Ex off, he gets mad that he just can't get my cage rattled. I will just keep landing on my feet.

Since I have given ex the letter that outlines the 5 things he is in contempt about, I have not seen him. He does not come in for pick ups and drop offs. It is kinda nice...

He did not use any cuss words about me in front of the kids this weekend, so that is progress. So all is peaceful on the exhusband front.

The girls are good, my little preteens (tweens), it is fun and scary watching them turn into young ladies. It is more fun watching them than watching myself turn into a new kind of lady.

Ex's last child support check bounced. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My dog has cancer and will have surgery tomorrow to remove the mast cell tumor.

I have been lurking around MB alot lately, having lots of heavy thought processes.

I still love Ex, it just doesn't seem to diminish, no matter who I date, how busy I stay, how smooth things are going with me or how big of a jerk Ex is being.

I need a kick in the butt...

The dog survived the surgery (she is old so I was worried about the anesthesia). She has to spend the night at the vets which cause alot of turmoil for YD.

I don't know what to do with Ex's bounced check, I do so enjoy not interacting with him at all. I defineatly have a price tag on my peace and the check isn't that much. maybe I'll call the bank in a day or two and see of the checks I have of his are any good.

Crappy Thanksgiving so far, it is my first holiday without my children. They will be with ex for the four day weekend. 8yo DD just called to wish me happy Thanksgiving, she sounded like she was having fun. She loves to cook and ex is making dinner for the girls and they are in charge of desserts, so I am sure she is having a blast. I made an extra caramel pie for them to take to their dad's. I was pleased that he accepted it and did not throw it in the trash.

I am supposed to go have dinner with my mother and siblings later today. I volunteered to work, but they decided not to see any patients today. I had a feeling that work would have been more pleasant than trying to put on a happy face in front of my family.

But I am hormonal today, so I will try to keep my slump in prospective.

The dog got her stitches out this week, she is doing well.

Happy Thanksgiving to all MBers!

Merry Christmas MBers!!!

We are making cookies for Santa right now, having just finished a large cup of hot cocoa. The girls are listening to the new CD's I made for them of their favorite songs and we are dancing around the living room.

This is not at all what I would have chosen for us, but it is all good anyway. I get sad, I still desire the marriage, I miss him being who he used to be. exWH is broke, behind on his CS again and he has started smoking again which means he is alone and stressed. I really, really hate that for him. It makes this all seem so very pointless.

The girls and I invited exWH over for Christmas morning, he accepted-very shocking. He won't hardly speak to me so we will see how the morning will go. Last year, he was with OW and it was his first Christmas without the kids. So at least, this is an improvement.

I was able to buy Christmas with just a smidgen of credit card usage (and that was only because I needed to put in the order while exWH was a month behind on the CS). My goal is to get where I am not as dependant on the CS since that seems to be low on his list of priorities.

Another year older, another year wiser. It has been a year of adjustments, but I feel very blessed.

Merry Christmas!