Well exWH just left, he stayed about two hours without incident. We acutally had some small talk, talking to him is about as comfortable as talking to any other family member that I see two or three times a year.

A weird example of the WS fog came up... the kids thanked him for coming over for Christmas, he said "I haven't missed a Christmas yet". Well, yeah, he has, he did not come over last year, we invited him but he spent the day with OW. That was the only owie for the day and it only hurt to think of how he can rewrite not only the marital history, but the whole affair, seperation, divorce history.

So now, the kids are playing happily with their new stuff, I am OK and not feeling any aftermath from spending time with the ex. This is the most time we have spent together in two years. I do still love him, but that part of my heart is buried pretty deep which is a good place for it to be.

All is well, we'll go to my Mom's later today, life is good.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my divorce. So, let's see... how am I doing. I have taken this time, dissected and autopsied my marriage. I have learned what my needs are and I am meeting them on my own. I have come to the point where, now that I have dealt with being alone, I wonder why people ever get into relationahips. I find myself even more confused. They say, take time, get to know yourself, learn to live on your own. OK, I've done that, no one is meeting my emotional needs but me.

So now, I understand affairs even less. At least in a crappy marriage, you have one or two of your needs met. Alone, you have no one meeting your needs. If unfulfilled emotional needs in a marriage, cause affairs; what do unmet emotional needs cause when your single?

If I am getting all my needs met without a relationship, what will happen when I am in a relationship? I'll meet his needs, I'll meet my needs, Oh...I forgot, that's what happened to my marriage. Maybe I haven't learned anything in the past year.

On the rest of my life update, 2008 has been a crappy year so far. The two guinea pigs died, very sad, one died and then the other stopped eating and died in the exact same spot a few days later. My car engine died, it will cost more to replace it than the car is worth, so that is a goner. My dogs cancer seems to have returned. I won't put her through surgery again, so I have this terrible reality that I will have to have her put down when it affects her quality of life.

But, I told the girls today, the only thing that is a constant is change. So all of this will change. Maybe we are using our bad luck allotment up early in the year and the rest of 2008 will be full of love, life and happiness.

I know I sound all bummed and whiney, the car and the dog thing just happened this week so I am just a little stressed. I do see the blessings in my life. I did get to keep the house in the divorce and am managing to pay for it! I had a back-up car so I am not house bound (I like having back-ups of everything!). I was able to afford a nice Christmas for the kids. I have my home, my job is fulfilling, I am still able to homeschool the kids and work my work schedule around the kids weekends with their Dad.

I would say I am making it work, but then something else bad will happen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />. So I will just say that I am very fortunate and blessed and we will keep on keeping on.

Today I had to put my dog down, the cancer was just fast moving and she was going downhill fast. She was throwing up all night and today she couldn't even walk. But yesterday she did go outside and the kids enjoyed watching her experience the slight snow we had.

She helped me so much after exWH left, I thought I would be over him before she left us. But, it gets easier, every crappy experience we survive without him here...I don't know, just seems to help me move on a little.

She laid in my lap and just feel asleep, very peaceful, she seemed grateful.

Oh well, keep on moving forward...

Sorry to hear that Jean.:'(

I bet he was very grateful to have had years of love and care with you and the girls.

Lady

Well, it is that time again, it is my third anniversery for d-day!!

Where am I??
The first question everyone asks is "Are you dating anyone", well, no. I am scared and have decided just to meet everyone instead of looking for someone. On average, I have 1.5 hours of lonely feelings a week, the rest of the time is pretty full.

I kinda did go thru a very social phase but realized that it wasn't more fun than my own company so I have pulled back a bit. I think I needed to heal from the divorce and now I need to figure out what I want. Having spent the past 20 years in crappy relationships, I don't intend on settling for less than, again.

The kids are good, still times of funkiness. We had issue when Ex moved in with a new GF. He pretty much refuses to be alone so sadly, my children will have to deal with a rotating door of women in their Dad's life.

For a long time, I had all these questions I wanted to ask Ex, kind of an "exit interview". There was stuff about the marriage, the affair, the divorce... But over time, those answers have become less important, he'd probably lie anyway.

Today, the only thing that bothers me is the realization that Ex probably would not dial 911 if I exploded into flames. My death would mean little to him other than having to move the kids in with him full time. (And I am sure he would curse at my grave for making him pack up the kids' things).

I don't see how you can feel so little for someone that you lived with for so long. Or how do you fake it for that long.

But, that part is over, I don't have to wonder about that anymore.

Am I happy? Hmmm, I get frustrated with myself. It takes me forever to make decisions. What kind of flooring to install, whether to save this money or spend it, whether to move on with my love life or continue dissecting... BUT, when I finally make a decision, it is usually a good one. So I just have to have faith in myself.

I think that part has been great. Realizing that I am a very competant grown-up and though I would love to be part of a "team", I am capable to run my household and raise my children and am doing a bang-up job.

Would I ever take Ex back? Probably, first, for my kids, and secondly, because I truly believe that FWS make wonderful people. But as nice as it would have been to have Ex at least question his decision, I am sure it has been easier to accept since he has never once looked back. So Thank you Ex for not being a cake-eating, fence sitter. Thank you Ex for becoming such a jerk that I have to squint really hard to be able to see any of my husband in there.

It should have been a peice of cake letting Ex go. I wonder why it didn't work out that way.

*hugs*

I saw your post to V, and clicked to follow the link to your story, and then realized that your most recent post was from *today*. I'm sorry for what today is, and the memories it brings up. I'm sorry for what you've been through.

What are you doing to care for yourself nowadays?

*hugs* again.

Thanks Jayne, I am so glad we had the same advice for V, I am always scared giving advice. BUT, I know what I could have done better at, so hopefully my failing will help someone else.

What am I dong for me? Better ask me next week when I am not in such a reflection mode.

No, really, I am able to explore so many interests now. I am doing them alone, but I am able to do them without my Ex mocking me. He used to make fun of me when I would read about things he didn't think were important. Now I can read about whatever I darn well please!!

I have reached a turning point (FINALLY!)

I was having a conversation with my sister about some trouble the kids are having with their dad and she was saying "and if you weren't still in love with him...yada yada yada"

And for the first time, I was able to reply "I am not in love with him anymore"

As soon as it came out of my mouth, I realized what I had said and I realized that I meant it.

WOWZA!

Man, that took forever.

Just making a note to myself for future reference:

I was reading another thread about a possible BW finding a bunch of condoms and stuff and questioning her possible WH response.

All the sudden, I started remembering things from my marriage, pre-any A.

The time I found the condom (which we never used).

There was the co-worker that he was spending alot of time at her house-I remember accusing him of cheating.

Then, of course, there is my friends, family and neighbors that have always hinted that they didn't believe he was faithful.

What difference would it make now???

Would it bring me any peace, relieve a bit of my guilt, give me a sense of "Thank goodness I'm not married to him anymore".

I will forever feel shame for my affair, it was wrong, I was wrong, I can never claim that I was an always faithful wife.

But it would make a whole lotta things make more sense.

But, I'll never know the truth.

I signed up for Divorcecare at a local church and went to my third meeting last night. The topic was about anger.

ANGER:
About the affair: not angry, I understand that, I was surprised by it, but I get it. I feel like I forgave him every morning that I woke up still willing to reconcile.

About the divorce: not angry, again surprised. I get frustrated as to why he signed up for conditions that he had no intention of honoring. Mostly financial stuff, I just chalk it up to his immaturity.

Since the divorce: This is where I get angry. I get angry about his irresponsibility and the stress it causes me. So i look at myself and ask "Was he this selfish when I was married to him, or is this part of his WH entitlement?"

How do I deal with the anger? The class talked about coping mechanisms, I am defineately one who just drops it. No point in confronting him. Short of taking him back to court, no amount of talking I do is going to matter. So I am working on expecting nothing and just dealing with the financial stuff alone.

Divorcecare has showed me that I have come very, very far in my healing. It seems so incredibly slow, but there is forward progression.

We talked about the anger that stems from the feeling of rejection. I still can get that. But, I also feel very sure of who I am and am comfortable knowing that he doesn't want that. He is entitled to that opinion of me, it doesn't change who I am.

He didn't like who I was, and frankly, I have become "more me" since his departure. I am "me-concentrate". It is becoming so clear that we could never reconcile. My tolerance for being treated badly is real, real low. I don't think he could hang.

I feel I need to get off this board, but I still come here every day with my morning coffee. I am hoping that after the Divorcecare class is over, I can let go of being a FWW, BW and just be a plain old single lady.

I come here in the morning expecting news of some WS coming home and being repentant. Frankly, that happens so few and far between. I'd be better off on a forum that discusses seed germination, the stories of success would be more frequent.

I do still believe in the MB way, still the best plan out there. I think about a new relationship and how to apply MB principles. I worry about my independant behaviors. I've been alone for three years now, it seems like that may be a hard one for me to let go of.

So, I think I will keep journaling here until Divorcecare ends, then I will try to close this chapter on my life.

*hugs*

Just to let you know you aren't posting to a vacuum. It sounds like you are doing some good self-care and working on moving on... (I hesitate to use that phrase cus I read in some other thread some ppl were complaining about that phrase, but I think it was when WS's said it.)

Congrats on being able to say you aren't in love with him anymore!

If you think reading here is hurting you, I understand your need to wean yourself off it. But I hope the journaling helps.

Also, what do you think about reading more optimistic threads that have a happy ending even when the WS didn't return? For example, abandonedwith3kids and DancingMachine. They are doing really well without their WS's. I wish I heard more such peace and joy in your thread.

Thanks Jayne for visiting my vacuum!

hmmm, peace and joy, well, I am not bitter and miserable!

I have some long term goals and plans, I am not thinking of them right now as I am a little concerned with the present. This economy, gas thing, budget crisis and my own personal job situation has the dreams on hold.

But it felt good to think of the 10 year plan and be willing to make one assuming I will be alone. But I like the alone 10 year plan and don't want any guy coming along to mess that up!

As far as the happily movin' on threads- they make me feel bad. Either I am doing something wrong or they are on drugs (I kid, I kid!!)

After talking to people in real life, we have decided that "moving on" means dating/sleeping with other people. I tried that and I haven't met anyone whose company I enjoy more than my own.

I have learned that I am not very needy and that is a good thing. My family and friends are eager for me to get into a relationship, I am encouraging them to find acceptance of my singlehood-I have.

I guess my thread here sounds depressing since I only seem to post when I have had some mental breakthrough.

On the positive side:
1. I looked into joing the Y, the kids are homeschooled so I think the social aspect would be great, not to mention the physical activity.

2. I may be increasing my grown-up work load. More money, less being at home, more time with adults, more independance for the kids.

3. I had my hair cut, but it looks a little "butch" and I have had increased romantic interest from other women LOL!! My sister told me to wear more make-up until my hair grows back out.

4. I have new neighbors, two houses moved in, both with kids. Now I have single men on both sides of me!

5. The kids are doing well, still homeschooling, working hard and very smart. (Pats self on back)

6. I bought some new clothes with a gift card I received more my birthday. I actually tried on the clothes and tried to pick things that looked nice instead of aiming for cheap and comfy.

7. Other than that, just plugging along, handling whatever the universe and exH throw at me. I say exH since his irresponsibility is my greatest source of financial strain.

I am praying, thinking of gratitude and looking at the big picture. I could use more accountability in my life. Since I realize that, I am going to go be productive and get some housework done.

Thanks for the check-up, Jayne!

Well Bummer,

My Divorcecare meeting was cancelled for tonight. The kids are bummed since that is the only time I leave them alone and they are going to miss their home alone time. I thought about finding something to do since I was already dressed and stuff, but I would just end up spending money I shouldn't.

So I will do my divorce dump here for the week.

I don't understand why my Ex has to mention his live-in GF's name everytime he is here, especially when he is only here for 5 minutes. I wondered if he just doesn't think it should bother me and he doesn't intend to offend, or if he does it out of spite and does intend to offend.

Really, he is here for no more that 5 minutes to pick up the kids and always has to mention her name in that time. Now, in fairness, he is addressing the kids when he talks of her, but can't it wait 30 seconds until you are in the car?

He had a male roommate shortly since the divorce, he never felt the need to mention him in front of me.

Small but gut wrenching trigger- YD and I were watching some music videos on you tube. She wanted to see who Billy Joel was, mentioned a song "always a woman to me" and said her Dad told her to never marry a guy that didn't feel that way about her. I thought I would break down in tears and barf right there.

I get so sick of the constant reminders of how little he ever cared for me. You would think I would be so grateful to be free of that. Deep down, I do appreciate that he left since he didn't love me. I do appreciate that he didn't waste any more of my time.

It reminds me of the letter he wrote a GF during the first seperation, how he had woken up beside someone he didn't love for so long, yada yada yada.

I still need to figure out what I am trying to prove to myself. Am I still trying to attone? Don't feel I am worthy since I was an adulteress once? That "10 second" post of Bob Pure's made me want to throw up (that has happened alot lately). I remember the 10 seconds that I decided to give up my standards, my integrity, my honor.

As for the rest of my life: I got a raise at work and a nice warm fuzzy from my boss. The kids went with my mom and stepdad to a cabin for a few days and had a blast. My mom just praised them, it was a nice warm fuzzy that I am turning out good kids. I got a big warm fuzzy from a close friend of mine (not the naked kind, the mental kind!). I have picked up an old hobby of mine that will keep my mind as busy as I want it to.

Mmmm, guess that is it for now. Gas prices have come back down, food in the fridge, bills paid and lots of laundry to do. Such is life.

Hi Jean!

Just read your post and want to mention a few things. Don't take your ex so literally. He is justifying. May I remind you that he married you, lived with you many years, had many good times together and you are the mother of his children. Please don't let him define you or what your marriage was. Take the good and leave the rest behind with a grain of salt.

Also Jean, please don't lump all men in with your ex and write them off. I hear a lot of hurt in your posts. I know you don't ever want to trust again and risk the pain and hurt but may I venture to say that you should?! It's good to be independent and to be able to take care of yourself but you know what? It's also good to give and receive love and there is nothing wrong with that. As a species, we are very social. We need other people in our lives. I'm not saying you have to go out and hunt one down, just don't write them off for the rest of your life, okay?!

Think positive thoughts about yourself and your past and be open to new experiences. Tell yourself that you will meet some fabulous people and that you will choose whether you want to pursue something with them or not. Stop telling yourself you will be alone the next 10 years and will only meet losers. You will if you think that way!! Even if it's delusional, dream big Jean!!

I know sometimes it feels like we have a bullseye on our backs! All the more reason to have a warm body to snuggle and share our joys and burdens with. Most of all, be kind to yourself.

Take care Jean -
S.

Hi S05! It is so nice to have you stop by! I hope that you are doing wonderful.

I must sound alot more depressed in my post here than I actauuly feel. But I really appreciate the feedback, it helps me to see what kind of vibe I am putting off.

I want to use your post to me to dissect my feelings a bit more.

I hope I don't sound like I am letting him define me. I do take to heart what he says in relationship to how he felt about me. But just because he didn't love me, that does not mean I am unloveable. I do know who I am and am comfortable with that. I know there are some features about me that make it hard for me to be in relationships, I also feel I buried those to try to make myself a better wife. Now, that I am not a wife, those features have become more obvious. I am an independant, introverted person. I fear those qualities will make a relationship hard for me in the future. But I do take exH literally. I am 85% sure that he never loved me as a man should love a wife. I have no evidence to the contrary, I am giving him 15% doubt as there may have been some love that he was just unable to express.

No, I am not writing them off. I have met new people, and tried to be more open with the friends that I have. Lucky for me, I do feel like my exH was a special kind of sociopathic something or other. I DO NOT feel like men are all hopeless and there is no point in dating.

When I talk about being alone, it is just a scenario that I prepare myself for, mostly financially. Paying off the house, planning for old age, etc. I would love a teammate to plan stuff with, but in the meantime, I must assume that I will be alone and plan accordingly. Secretly, I think I will do all this "worse case scenario" planning and that preparedness will be very attractive to the right man. I am not a damsel in distress and will not play that part to give some guy an ego boost.

I don't think I feel like that, in the grand scheme of things, I haven't been wronged too much. I keep rereading your line about the someone to share the burdens with, heck, I didn't even have that with my ex. When I was scared, he was never able to comfort me. I worried alone, it was easier than having my fears mocked.

I think I am OK. I feel like I am OK. My friends and family think I spend too much time alone. But I am not going to go crusing bars or whatever single people are supposed to do. I get lonely on the drive home from work, but when I get home, I am fine.

It is all just divorce puberty. So much to learn.

It is odd to realize that the last year of my posts all fit on one page.

It is almost two years since the divorce has been final. I can almost 100% say that I am happier than when I was married EXCEPT for the fact that the kids are not 100%. I am still sad because they still have loss. But I guess that is a wound that will never fully heal.

I see Ex every Fri and Sat for the kids swap, he gets them every weekend. There is minimal small talk, nothing unpleasant. I babysit some children during the week and the exchange is similar.

He still mentions the GF everytime, but either he is doing it differently or I am just not as sensitive. It just doesn't bother me anymore. I think I had the good years that he had in him. I do believe that his holier-than-thou, staunch right wing, family man, head of the household routine was just an act and after 15 years, he just gave up playing the part.

Divorce puberty is weird. As my oldest DD goes through physical puberty, I see myself going through similar things. I catch her looking at herself in the mirror trying to figure out who she is. I do the same thing, in a mental way. Realizing that I can be whomever I choose without having to take my husbands needs into consideration.

I am concerned about how all this independance will play out if a new relationship comes about. I am still extending my social network but haven't felt compelled to get into a "relationship". I just honestly, can't figure out where I would "put" a relationship. I am never bored and very rarely am I lonely, so what would this guy be doing here?

I really worry about the social stigma of being single. It seems to be very hard for anyone to accept that a person can be happy without being in a relationship. I feel that I am pitied and that makes me mad.

Hmmm, I just realized how mad it makes me.

Happy New Year Jean,

You really sound so good. It's amazing how different and similar our walks our and the things that trouble us the most.

Over and over again for those of you who have taken the D road, it seems that you come to sort of peace over what your M was, what your H was and how to pick yourself up and move forward.

I'm sorry your friends feel that you are missing out on something by being single. Maybe they are worried that they might find themselves in the same sitch and don't think they could handle it as well as you?

Us "single" people seem to be somewhat of a threat to old friends. I just chuckle and stay away these days. I'm not threat to anyone....

Keep moving forward, I can only imagine how hard it is to see ex every week, but you are doing it and that infamous time is on your side for recovery. We just don't know when..

Thanks Queenie,

I was actually reading your thread about your WH's change in moral fiber and it reminded me so much of my Ex. PreA, he was the most judgemental man you will ever meet. There were a few A's and subsequent D's in our extended family and the way he would speak about those men-my goodness. I did tell him after he left for OW that he owed that cousin and his former BIL an apology for all the nasty things he said about them in the past. (That didn't go over very well).

The single-pity thing is my current soap box. Ex sent over an old buddy of his to pick up the kids last weekend. Old Buddy did the sideways head tilt "How are you doing" crap. Frankly, I am great because I ...well...I am just great. And since I am great, I enjoy my company and don't have this fear of being alone. I don't have to introduce my kids to every peice of a$$ I get looking to find the flavor of the month. I don't have to put up with useless crap from some guy just to save me from being alone. If I want companionship, I phone a friend. If I need a repair done, I hire someone or do it myself.

I am short and I needed help lifting a TV into a wall mount. I called my local tall friend but he had thrown is back out at work. So my sister and I figured that two short chicks should equal one tall person and we got it done. It was probably 10 feet high but we got it up there without dropping it on either of our heads.

Being confident in my own abilities and my own decision making processes has been tough. I psych myself out thinking I can't do something. But, I really have done most of what I have set out to do. (Well, I have to take a break in laying some subfloor upstairs, I got frustrated, but I'll pick it up again later). Making major decisions also gives me anxiety, but I have learned that being the boss of my house has put me in pretty good shape. My bills all get paid on time, credit score is steadily rising, things are getting done.

I have been blessed.

Mainly for my own journaling but input is welcome.

ExH is in full blown jerk mode again. Kids are home from swap and it takes an hour to get them to stop crying. They are so afraid to tell him how they feel about anything since they hate disappointing him.

Tonight, there was an issue of him asking them if they wanted to spend an extra night with him, they said no, they wanted to come home and he must have reacted pretty strongly. They are upset that they have upset him.

I am taking a class on "Making Peace with Your Past" and I hope I learn two things. First, how to deal with my dysfunctional childhood, and second, how to prevent my children from needing quite as much therapy when dealing with their childhood.

I want to fix it, fix it, fix it. I want to make him do ...something, anything different...I don't know, just stop hurting the kids.

But, I am trying harder to turn it over to G-d, trust that He can protect their hearts and help them to learn whatever it is they are to learn from this. I told the kids I would pray extra for their Dad, he is apparently going through something and the three of us are catching the trickle down crap from it.

It just never seems to stop, at least the divorce crap. But, I am blessed that the ExH is 99% of my crap intake. The rest of my life is pretty OK.

More journaling,

No tears when the kids came home today, YD just had a small problem with Exh yelling at her when he found her in his room. She was getting something to make him a V-day card and his being that private is a little off. He must have thought she was gathering intel for me with her secret spy ring :RollieEyes: .
Anyway, she hates having her surprises ruined.

I am having trouble dealing with some rage issues. I am still dealing with Ex's IRS mess and I am so tired of having to deal with this. Plus, ExH has decided he must be overpaying me since I am not broke enough so he is jacking me around on the CS. That seems to be his MO. When he left, he tried to financially freeze me out, and now he is doing it again.

So now, I have to keep detailed records of every dime that comes into and out of this house for the IRS, PLUS, ExH flat out telling me it bothers him that I am not more finacially strapped. I am irritated as all heck, but, I have to just keep plugging along until June when we have the trial for the innocent spouse relief claim.

I find myself hoping that there is no trouble between ExH and his live-in GF, all I need is for them to break up. If that happens, he will be even more miserable and make life worse on me and the kids.

I think I am just getting a little burned out, I just keep on trucking and every time I get comfortable, ExH's spidey senses detect it and he decides to up the [censored] factor.

8.5 years to go, then the youngest is 18 and this will be over.