Just bringing my thread up to date:

After the February temper tantrum by my ex on how I was not broke enough to suit him, I finally went into PlanB and told him to stay out of my house, he could text when on his way and the kids would meet him outside.

This gave me a wonderful, healing few months, it really did wonders for me to not have to see him at all.

I did win my IRS appeal and just today, received a small check for refunds they had wrongly kept over the past few years. So I am no longer liable for ex's 20K in back taxes. So with the IRS behind me, I am only bound to ex by the children and they are getting old enough that most communication can be done via the kids and I rarely have to speak to ex.

In August, I found out my sister had gone wayward. I am plan Bing her, just can't deal with anymore wayward crap.

In September, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have had mastectomy and preparing for chemo.

I had avery strange occurence shortly after surgery (my Mom was here and I was medicated), both my wayward ex and my wayward sis were in my house at the same time! It was like the freaking twilight zone. It upset the kids as 10yo DD assumed I must be dying for ex and sis to both be here.

Apparently, since I have cancer, I have lost my rights to an apology and can not make decisions about who to have in my life. They don't seem to get that life is too short to have wayward jack a$$es in it and as long as that is who you are, I have no need for you in my life.

(((HUGS)))

I'm sorry Jean. Best of luck with chemo. I hope you have a good support system around you and not the waywards. I agree - you don't need them in your life right now.

(((Jean))) I'll add you to my prayer list.

Maybe you should put something in writing about who you DON'T want around if you're ever incapacitated again. I'm so sorry your EX and sis made things worse. That's the LAST thing you need when dealing with cancer.

Jean:

Congrats on the IRS case!

So sorry to hear about the Breast Cancer. Flamingo had a scare last year, and my Sis is a survivor. Hope it all works out for you.

LG

Hi Jean-

As a fellow breast cancer survivor just a few years further along than you, I'd be happy to talk with you if you want. Feel free to email one of the mods to let them know, and I'll send you my cell #.

Chemo is kind of like surviving infidelity. It may feel like it takes over our lives for a while-but it doesn't define us.

Jean...thank you for your update...in prayers (and I know you know this)...

and I will be happy to guard your front door in the future...including biting on demand any wayward who approaches.

you remain my hero, toots...

LA

Thanks guys for the support, prayers and well wishes.

My BIL (married to my wayward sis) gets down often and thinks to himself "But Jean is dealing with cancer, that is worse".

When he told me that, I had to think for a minute, I believe the infidelity was worse. No one "did" cancer to me, but the infidelity was "done" to me. That didn't comfort BIL, no one wants to hear how truly sucky their situation is.

Wayward sis is upset that I still don't want her in my life. She claims I don't have to approve of her to let her help me. To me, it seems hypocritical to ask for help from someone I don't want a relationship with, it would be easier just to hire help. At lease their presence wouldn't make me nauseated.

And wayward ex just seems miffed that he is not in the information loop. Heck, he has wished me dead for years, someone will let him know if I die so he can stop sending CS checks. What more does he want?

And for the record, I have forgiven, I don't harbor much resentment, but I do need them to stop being jerks before they get back into being any part of my life. I would like some sort of apology or something...

Oh well, gearing up for another "character building" experience.

Jean,

There's a book you need to read - it tells two stories - one about breast cancer survival and one about how the inner dialogue impacts our lives.

"SMART TALK" by Lou Tice is his wife's breast cancer story and his training program for executives.

She eradicated any negative person from her life. Just because she had cancer did not give toxic people a right to come in and run rough shod over her.

You need the language to tell these two very toxic people that they not only are not welcome in your life, but their presence in your life contributes to your ill health and you are reclaiming your life and will not tolerate those who drain you.

Find a way then say it, mean it, enforce it. If you have to get an intermediary to stand guard at your door, do it. Banish these leaches! Leaching is not a viable treatment for breast cancer and you need to tell them that! They do not get to salve their conscience by preying on you!

YEAH.... What Kayla said!!!!

(((((Jean))))),

I am so sorry for what you are going through yet am in AWE of your strength and courage. You are my hero babe!!!

As for your sis, well she has some gall. I too, am more than willing to lay guard for ya!!! I can break out SRN, and my H can attest that THAT is not something any wayward wants to mess with....:).

And for Mr. Wayward, well poop on him too!!!!!

Hang in there love......

Not2fun

Hi Jean,

I guess you got it right when you realise that life is too short. Right now your words are emphasized to those around you while you are ill.

Use them wisely!

I must have had a bad dream because I woke up thinking about ExH and all that crap.

Wayward Sis is still doing her thing, she wrote me an email saying she didn't care if she ever saw me again as she was tired of my "pompous grandstanding" and "self-righteousness". So, what I have learned is that since I have committed adultery, I am not allowed to be offended by it.

And everytime I consider reaching out to wayward sis, I learn of something offensive and new that she has done. She ended up filing for divorce alleging "marital misconduct" by her BH and alleging that she didn't "feel safe" cohabitating with him.

False accusations of abuse just really, really tick me off. Marital misconduct is one thing, yes, his record is tainted. But accusations of abuse... why can't the waywards just tuck their tail and hide in the holes that they belong.

UGH...I hate this crap.

On the cancer front (which is still less painful than adultery), I had my first chemo a week ago, should have hair through Thanksgiving and then I'll be a baldy waldy. Kids seem to be doing OK with it, they didn't like seeing me sick from the chemo, but it didn't last long.

I am learning to have such appreciation for the truth, not the polite, politically correct stuff, but the open my skull and let you see my inner workings kinda truth. And I am learning how rarely we get to see that.

I want closure with exH. Our relationship is just too dysfunctional to be healthy. I don't want to be buddies, he is still a toxic person since he is still in angry, justification mode. But there has to be a way to close that chapter of my life. Reliving all this crap through my sister has given me quite a bit of peace with how everything went down with exH. I still don't like who he has become, but I truly understand how he got there.

I probably said "crap" way too many times in this post. Must have been the bad dream. Now that I have dumped this all in cyberspace, maybe I can go on to have a good day.

10yo DD has really taken to cooking and we need to shop for the recipes she wants to debut for Thanksgiving!

Cancer has almost made me appreciate my divorce. If it weren't for the kids and the pain they still have, I would be able to say my divorce was a blessing.

I woke up thinking about coming out of planB (my 4 years too late planB) to let exWH be around on Christmas morning. Until I realized that he feels so entitled, there is no doubt he will waltz into my house Christmas morning to see the kids. So I don't have to worry about issuing a formal invite.

I also considered that I am not supposed to invite him, maybe he is supposed to ask that he be included. Inviting him would deny him the character building experience of respecting my boudaries and requesting a waiver for Christams. But I am dealing with enough of my own character building experiences, his character or lack thereof is not my problem.

Sister is still full on wayward, making everyone's life difficult while she skips through the fields of infidelity oblivious to anyone's pain. Pain does not exist in the poppy filled meadows of waywardville. The casualties of her affair are just left outside the gates, in weaping heaps.

I did have a revelation this morning. I get the affair, I get the justification (I am talking about my ex now, not sister), I get the anger, I forgave, no problem, let's move on. (Not saying that forgiving was not a problem, but now that it is done..it is no problem).

I feel cheated by not getting my repentant spouse back. I cheated, I grew, I grew balls and I came back repentant and ready to do ANYTHING it took to put his heart and my family back together. I think I really thought that even if it took years, I would get him back repentant and willing to do something to make it right. If he was willing to give 25% of what I was, we could have had an excellant marriage. My kids deserved that.

I realize that this sounds selfish and childish. I think there is still the belief that since I went wayward first, I never deserved anything but scraps.

BUT, like I said, cancer has made me grateful that he is not around. I literally have a list of phone numbers, people who are on my team. exH would have not made the list, even in "happily married" times. He would have been a liability, another feature that needed tending to.

Can I tell you about the time I was hemmorhaging a week after giving birth? He got me in a wheelchair, plopped the infant car seat in my lap, dropped me off at the front desk of the ER and went out to smoke a ciggarrete. The nurse realized I was hemmorhaging and got security to go retrieve my husband. She was livid. I don't know if he can't care or if he just doesn't want to. But anytime I was sick, my main objective was not asking him for help, it made him uncomfortable.

So with the whole cancer, surgery, chemo thing, thank goodness he is not here feeling uncomfortable.

Shooo, that was a big ole mental purge!

Thanksgiving was nice, YD made her cooking debut, she was very proud. Wayward sis didn't show up... I have the tree up and am shopping online, I am bald, chemo sucks, kids are absolutely tough as nails and I am so blessed.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season.

Hi Jean, I missed your previous post.

I have meditated on your sister and I guess she wants to drown out everything that invokes her guilt. Refocusing the blame her marriage is a sign of her distributing her guilt.

As far as looking after me or my wife, I have always left the task to the professionals. This is the reverse for my wife who had often successfully negotiated with these people - to both our improvements.

Regarding your insights:
Many years ago - I believed that I was going to die (depression). There were things that became vital to me, my position with God, the value of life and relevance of achievement. Trifling things like "affairs" would come under the jurisdiction of our Maker, although I know it is important to living people now.

I learned that my significance was in God and that I would attempt to make those around me understand the importance of Him in our lives. Why even visual images became more evident that I might appreciate God more.

Your sister, exH and yourself must recognize that their love life, achievement and dreams are NOT accomplished without God approval, and are worth nothing without Him.

These folk need your encouragement. Review the worth of your long days. There is no time for regret.

I am listening Imagine, but I am not sure I am understanding. What should I be doing??

Talk to your sister...

Leave infidelity out of it. She need to understand the fundamentals of life of which marriage is a small part. Don't Invite xH if he is a nuisance. But invite him if he can be sociable.

A seriously ill patient word carries far. Be careful when you speak. You (and God) may yet change lives for the better.

PS: I think the order is God (and you)...

Hi Jean-

Chemo does suck! Although I didn't lose all my hair (lost half my eyebrows-now there's an interesting visual), I did get some other side effects and the whole "fatigue" thing.

If you want to chat about "what worked for me" during chemo- let the mods know and I'll send you my cell #.

The one thing I can tell you is that, although cancer and chemo will take over your life for a while, it WILL become an event in your life that you survived.

Thinking of you-

((((((((((((((Jean))))))))))))))))

I missed your post last month. I just got caught up and wanted to give you a hug. I am sorry that you had to go through this, but glad that you are OK.

Waywards do become toxic don't they? I will never understand the hostility that they seem to harbor. Mostly I just think they are mad at themselves.....

Hang in girlfriend. You can beat this thing!!!

Thanks Imagine, Chai and Johnstwin, I appreciate the well wishes and advice.

Shopping for Christmas gifts for ex from the kids tonight, they remarked on how his GF asks how I am doing but he has never asked. Waywards...go figure...or don't bother trying to figure it out...it is a waste of time.

Amazing how his girlfriend asks, but he never does. Is this OW, or some new lady?

J36:

I am glad you are fighting strong the cancer in your body.

Please do not invite your WxH to your Christmas morning. He has no place there.

He can celebrate his Christmas, his way, with his children, when, as usual, he finds the time.

Since his GF is more concerned about your welfare then he is, then, if I was that GF, I would better understand what type of guy I have when the going gets tough. When the going gets tough, WxH, and BF is GONE. Count on it.

Keep up the good fight.

Look into the spirtiual side that imagine is referencing.

It can't hurt.

Happy Holidays!

LG