Hmmm...let me get this straight.

Your WH had an A with an xGF and is now trying to make you feel guilty because HE doesn't get to go off and frolick with single women?

Sounds familiar.

He wants to be married but still be able to go out and play the single life. That is the cake-eater.

Have you read Surviving An Affair? If not, go get it, so you can start to develop a plan.

Will you please WAKE UP?

He is telling you he is not happy in a committed relationship where he must be accountable and monogamous.

For crying out loud, read the writing on the wall, and stop deluding yourself.

I'm sorry to hit you over the head with it but c'mon girl! Do you have NO self-respect? Do you no self-confidence, self-worth? If you agree to this, you are telling him it's ok to treat you like dirt for the rest of your life. Is that what you want to teach the children that could come into this terrible, unhappy situation? If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your unborn children who deserve better than this! There are men out there who will love you better, and treat you better than this selfish man.

Trust me there is no guilt here my response to him is that he want to be a ladies man and have a wife...he wants his cake and wants to eat it too....there ofcourse was no response to this. I told him last night that why would anyone want a "livable" marriage instead of a happy marriage. I certainly do not. I told him that he needs to decide what is more important our marriage or his "single life" that he wants so badly too, but you cant have both. I added that I do not want to be in this situation 10 years down the road with 2 children in toe having this same conversation and that I wont do it to myself or to our children. That this is the time for him to Pony up to what he wants and what he wants to work at.

This is not his first affair!!!! The world that grapegirl has described above...that is MY LIFE sweetie! I was a SAHM for 11 years, 3 children and I didn't finish school because I married my WH who promised to take care of us...I lived the good life...cars, big house, luxuries and a cheating H.

I am now a single mother with no career to fall back on and no degree...I have three little boys undertow that I must take care of...not to mention they are all special needs...
I was a mess for a long time...but MY depression and the feelings of abandonment do not even compare to what my boys feel on a daily basis....they are depressed, angry, bitter, confused...they dont understand and they do not deserve this...they have accepted it, but NO child deserves this..and I only wish I could see into the future 10 years ago before we decided to bring children into an already rocky marriage!

You DO NOT want to live my life! Sure I thought I was happy all those years, but I now look back and see all of it!

YOU CAN see into the future! your H is not going to change...It is NOT ACCEPTABLE nor is it OK for a married man to "mengle" with female friends...PERIOD!

Dont let him take your self esteem...which I can hear in your posts that he is already doing that...I let my H manipulate me for a long time...

They ALL want their cake and eat it too...My H still does not want a divorce...He is prefectly happy with his wife at home taking care of his children while he has his OTHER family! and yes, he has a child with the OW! Get out before their are children, assets, debts and everythihng involved....it is a MESS to resolve!

MrsTruthful,

I disagree, it's time for YOU to Pony up to what you want and what YOU want to work at.

He has pretty clearly shown you what he wants and is willing to do.

FIM

I have told him what I want and that is that I want this marriage to work, My theory is if we all give up on our marriages then we would live in a society of split families...granted most of our society is divorced now but why? Because we dont work at it? I have boldly told him that I entered this marriage for the long haul and knowing that issues would come up as they do in any marriage and will always give it 100% and then more to make it work. I truly believe that we posess the outcome of our marriage. He has sent me completely mixed messages on what he wants. One minute he is upset bcse he cant go out with the girls then the next he tells me how he loves me more than anything in this world and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. This is where my confusion comes in. How can you want to be with other women and love your wife the way you say you do?

I can't agree with you more when it comes to giving up too easily. I too vowed to, and did, give my 100% and more. After 3 children, 11 years and 11 affairs I had to call it quits though.

Granted, I didn't know about many of those affairs until after the last one happened, but frankly, I was armed with the knowledge of what type of man this was after the FIRST one in the beginning of our relationship.

You stated that "We possess the outcome of our relationship" and you're right. But YOU singlehandedly can not and will not change your husband. He's not along for the ride right now so there is no 'we'.



He's not sending mixed messages.

He is SAYING one thing and DOING another. He's a typical liar. There isn't much mixed in that message.

He ACTS upset because he can't go out with other women.

He VISITS his ex while lying to you.

He tells you he loves you more than anything in the world.

What action has he backed that one up with?

I know this probably sounds harsh and I'm sorry. I'm not in your marriage and so I won't tell you it's hopeless. It's your marriage and in the end you have to make the judgement call.

You really need to look at what this man is DOING though. What he says means nothing. He's lied to you and will probably continue to do so in the attempt to live the type of lifestyle he wants to right now.

Decide what you are willing to live with and how you expect to be treated as a person and as a wife.

Watch his actions very carefully. It's so easy to listen to the words because they are what you want to hear. If it's not backed up by action though, it means about as much as when he told you he was going to the lake.

FIM

MT, we all want to give it our best when we marry the person we love! We all want to live that life that we so much desire to...but when you have a H as yours, it is hard to do!

One thing I learned over the past two years is that no matter how much you WANT to change someone, YOU cannot change that person...You may be able to get them to temporarily change, but in the long run, they wont change, unless they really truly want to!

The fact that your H has even suggested that he be able to go out with female "friends" is totally disrespectful to you and should never be asked of a wife! In my opinion, a marriage is a unit and that unit is ONE and ALL!

Ask yourself why he wants to spend all this time with female friends without you around or even with you around...

If he really loved you as much as he says he does, then he would not want to be with other females or even males for that matter...he would want to spend all his time with you and only you...I'm not saying he cant go out with the "guys", but all the time...NO WAY!

Eventually you will understand why we are telling you this and hopefuly you will wake up before it is too late...he's not sending mixed signals at all! he's telling you flat out, you just aren't listening...words are only words...actions speak so much louder than words...listen tohis actions!

sorry faith, was posting at the same time!

T/J, sorry! Faith, how are you? call me sometime! we have lots to talk about it sounds like! I hope you are doing well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MT, I can't tell you whether or not you should stay married, but I can answer your question, "How do you trust after lies?" The answer is, you can't. Even if you make a conscious decision to trust someone who lies to you repeatedly, you will not be able to. Your brain will have learned that this person's words and actions don't match, and will respond accordingly. Not until your H has behaved in a trustworthy manner for a long time will you unlearn the lesson not to trust and learn to trust again, and maybe not even then.

t/j continued..... email me your number again... my lovely daughters stole my phone one day and then decided to use it to play catch and broke it. I lost all my numbers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> send it to paula8972@yahoo.com

FIM

He did tell the Ex-G today after he has asked him to come over and watch a movie that they can only have a working relationship. He sent me the email trail to show this. Now whether or not she will go postal on both of us at work or not we will see ( all three of us work together) I told him that whatever she does its nothing worse than she already did with the EA. He doesnt understand the theory of the EA.

you've got mail! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Does he understand this concept... ?

make sure you are NOT the source of your spouses unhappiness.