I feel so for you. You're only a few years older than our son, I would be really upset if a girl did to him what your wife did to you. Not trying to talk down to you, just telling you where I'm coming from.

I do know the feeling of having the plate right there, but not being able to partake of it. My H and I lived together during his EA, and I heard the way he talked to the OW, read his letters to her, and replayed the tape in my mind of one time when our families spent a day together and the OW and my H hugged goodbye in the foyer of their house. He squeezed her for almost a minute! And he wouldn't hug me, his voice was cold to me, .....

but this is YOUR story, your crisis.

I'm decades older than you, and the pain for an older person is just as awful as for a first love. The difference is that having lived so much longer, I know that it gets better. I know that you can't give up on life. Even crappy life is better than no life, and it will get better 99% of the time.

Set yourself the goal to get your name off the car she is driving. That's priority ONE. Calmly, correctly, dotting all the "i's" and crossing all the "t's." Take the attitude of Self protection, pragmatic and unemotional, because that is the best way to not make a mistake. The car thing is a business move, not an emotional move. Okay?

Thank You Bellevue I really do thank you.

gem, you're welcome. Stick around, and keep posting. You'll make good friends here.

One thing I've seen on MB, people who have bottomed out emotionally have grown so much. You'll meet people of depth here. They will support you and challenge you. They will call you on your spitefulness or shallow motives, and they will question you when you are backsliding. They did to me, and I'm grateful for their honesty.

A couple of people here journal on line. See Gray's Campfire, FGG's The Saga Continues (I'm paraphrasing) and there are others. They start a post, then return to the post with updates, good news/bad news, etc. Lots of soul searching. Maybe that type of exercise can be helpful to you. (Or not. We're all so unique.)

So: How's the name change on the car coming? Hmm?

Having HPV doesn't make someone bad. Remember, the stats say that between 60 and 75 percent of women AND MEN will be infected sometime in their lives. Further, most women don't know they have it until they have a bad pap with cancerous or pre-cancerous cells. Most men don't know they have it unless they have visible warts; few men do. And yes, it is very possible that you were infected by someone other than your wife if you were sexually active with other women before you were married.

As painful as your experience with HPV has been, I really think you need to GET OVER IT. IT HAPPENS. ITS THE PITS. DEAL WITH IT.

Yes, you have abused your wife over something she may have had no knowledge of and therefore no control over.

You obviously have access to the internet. Why not go and educate yourself about HPV. There is oodles of info out there. Saddly, most women who have HPV are not informed of it by their doctor, so they cannot educate themselves.

Times are changing and a vaccine is in the works.

Now please, work on you. Work on your anger. Work on your depression. Work on being the kind of person your wife would want to be married to.

Excepting the point where she had an affair, she was just as much a victim of all of this as you were. GET OVER IT.


Mrs. W8ing

Mrs. W8ting, she was his first.

That doesn't change that it is very possible that she didn't know she was infected. Does her having a previous sexual partner make her a bad person? If it does, then he shouldn't have married her. If she lied, then that is the problem, not the fact she had HPV.

Some people don't realize it, but HPV can be passed from a mother during birth. And in some people the virus can lay dormant for years and years. They are many varieties of the virus. Particular varities are more prone to cause cervical cancer. Fortunately they just announced a vaccine that will be available soon to prevent the cancer. In men the virus can be hard to detect sometimes. A quick test the doctor will use on men is white vinegar. Wrap it up with gauze and pickle "IT" for a while with the vinegar and any lesions caused by the HPV virus will usually become visably white. Women, well that's where fortunately there are pap smears and the new HPV tests that are available if no visible signs are shown.

Mrs. w8ing thank you for your insight as you had said you had HPV too. I have no problem with the HPV, but I dont think you get it. I am over the pain induced but everytime I take a shower a look down at a mangled mess of tissue. A man is his penis, funny to you but not to me. Im covered in them ok, and scarred beyond repair physically. I believe all you get is abnormal Pap smears. My whole area is so desensitized and nerve damaged that i cant just get over it but anyways thank you for your input.And no previous sexual partners does not make her a bad person but come to find out it exceeded the dozen mark made me reconsider.

Yeah today wasnt a good day

I've never had HPV but from how you are describing what you have gone through and are continuing to go through on a day to day basis I can't imagine you would ever just "get over it". Kind of a rude thing for someone to say to you in my opinion. My heart goes out to you and I really wish you nothing but the best.

Gemy, I'm a woman, but I understand when you say a man is his penis. I've always wondered about the story of Samsom and Delilah. Did she really cut off his hair, or was that just a metaphor????

However, there's going to be a silver lining to this. There just has to be because there's a God in heaven.

Have you thought any more about whether it would be good for you if your marriage survived? You posted how you wanted her back and then, I haven't heard anything along those lines in two posts.

Once you know if she'd be good to have in your life, let us know because then we can better help you with advice. Trying to save a marriage is a little different than trying to save yourself.

For example, Mrs. W8ing suggested you become the type of man your wife would want in her life. That's excellent advice if you know you want to save your marriage.

However, if staying married doesn't appear a healthy option, you may want to become the man you want in your life. The best possible you.

Sometimes, the two go hand in hand, other times, they don't. If I had worked at becoming the best possible me during my marriage, my marriage would have ended very quickly.

Anyway, take care.

Gemy4, I never once said your situation was funny. It is not.

FYI I did not just get an abnormal pap. Do you know what an abnormal pap means? It means cancer or pre-cancerous cells. I had two surgeries to remove cancer from my cervics. I lost a good chunk of my cervics. Good thing my baby-making days are over. I could have lost my uterus, but my pap caught things in time to prevent that. The surgeries were uncomfortable. The fear of cancer -- and its return -- is far worse. The only upside to cervical and uterine cancer is that its very curable and usually with no chemo. Ladies who get this "just" loose chunks of their girly parts.

AGAIN, you need to educate yourself. I can only imagine your pain and your fear, but your lack of information is making your situation worse.

There are no bad guys when it comes to HPV unless both partners believe they are marrying virgins.



Being angry over dishonesty is something I can understand. Been there. (My XH cheated on me 4xs.)


Mrs. W8ing

AGE, I'm not suggesting he get over what he is experiencing. On the contrary. Been there, in a girly way, which I know may not be as painful and certainly is invisible. What I'm suggesting he get over -- because it cannot be helping him cope right now -- is the blame. Chances are you will get HPV some time in your life, too. You may have it now and not even know it. How would you feel if your spouse treated you with anger and physical abuse in response? My XH gave me HPV. Getting angry with him, especially since he had no clue he had it, will do nothing to benefit our working relationship as parents. Blaming him will not help me cope with biopsies on my girly parts every 6 months for the next three years. Smacking him around won't take away my fear of cancer.


Mrs. W8ing

Gemy,

I'm so very sorry that you have had to go through this experience. Quite obviously, it has taken a toll on your self esteem, physical appearance, and confidence. Not unlike someone who wakes up paralyzed from surgery....or who loses a limb in an accident.....or who has a masectomy for breast cancer.

The good part is that people recover. Humans, as a race, are faced with incredible adversities. Yet they have the ability to recover. And at this point, this is what you must focus on.

It is a life changing event, but it will not kill you. You are still lucky enough to have the rest of your life. Please try to focus on that.

I suppose I am a little sensitive tonight because I spent most of last night doing a cerebral death exam on a 50 year old gentleman who had a heart attack on his way to the bank. He left behind not only a wife, but 4 children, the youngest 17 years old.

You may be scarred, but like infidelity, that scar can either destroy you....or make you stronger. Please try to get into IC to cope with the trauma this has caused you.


Unfortunately, this is not true. For women, and a very small percentage of men, it can cause carcinoma in situ. A very severe form of cancer, and if not detected quickly, difficult to treat. So the risks and symptoms can be equally treacherous to both genders.

I, too, have HPV. In fact, I believe I got it from my first sexual parter. Mine laid dormant for approximately 3 years at which point I had my first abnormal pap smear. Over the past 10 years, I have had multiple abnormal pap smears, multiple biopsies, and multiple treatments. Had I not kept up with my 'female' appointments, I could have easily developed cancer.

Luckily, for me as well as any other females with HPV, they can now do a test to find out if the strain of HPV is a "high" or "low" risk strain. Two weeks ago, I received a report that (again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) I had an abnormal pap. They tested the strain, and thank goodness, I have the 'low' risk kind. However, I have to remain persistent in my checkups, and may still require treatment. But the development of this test is a huge step forward.

Like you, gemy, I will have to find a way to approach others with this virus I carry (as I am no longer M'ed). But I have faith that if there is love in a relationship, this issue can be overcome. I have met a few couples where one partner had HSV or HPV and the other did not. Once married, they chose to get pregnant, and the partner 'without' usually acquired it. But it's not in an angry context....rather, it's just what happened. The trick is to identify and treat as soon as possible.

Gemy, you can choose to live in the anger and hurt, or you can choose to try to make your way past it. That doesn't mean that the hurt and anger will immediately stop...but please know that it (as well as infidelity) CAN be overcome.

Best of luck to you.

Ok i think this has gotten a little confusing. I dont want anymore people mad at me. Ms. W8ing I have read alot believe me alot in the last two years, thats how long ive had it. I am not argueing with you just discussing, really. I HAVE gotten over the blame and the pain endured. I am no longer hurt over the pain, or angry that she gave it to me. I got over it a year ago I know girls dont only get abnormal PAPS, i was in the doctors office when she was having her Coloscopys, is that right? The only issue with the HPV is the damage it has done in relevance to my manhood and selfesteem, but most important the change it did to my character.

Like I said she deposited enough deposits to save us. I didnt even care about the virus anymore. I had a very great fourth year. But in the 3rd year i pushed her very far away. I loved/ love very much "my mama" : ( I dont care about her past present or future. I dont care about anything but her.
The only PAIN is the loss of her love. I WANT HER BACK SO BAD i just want to drive over there right now and yell at the top of my longs that I was the jerk and that I want her babies, we had names picked out already. I feel she is my soulmate and because of my emotional immaturity I now feel I will never happy like that again.

The reason I havent focused on getting her back is because like I said she will only answer my emails, not even that lately....

Hello-
I just got your last e-mail. Yes I did love you unconditionally and did forgive you many times. I know that you too had love for me, but at times, you know that you didn't. I do take full responsibility for the wrongs that I have done you and I always have. We can't even get along during these back and forth e-mails. You just yell at me for the ways that I have "wronged" you and give me grief for "giving up". Im sorry you saw me kissing John, I know that must have killed you. I don't feel that I gave up at all, it's just that my heart couldn't take anymore pain. I don't feel that I have waisted four years of my life at all, I just couldn't go on feeling empty and alone inside. Can't you understand? The only reason I feel that you are trying so hard for me to come back to you is because of the problem that you and I both have. You feel that you won't find anyone to love you the way that I have. I do appreciate your persistance and feel that you are trying really hard, but I feel that you are trying for all the wrong reasons. I know that you finally realize that you do love me and always did and that has a major role in your persistance, but you have made it clear in your past e-mails that your main concern is our "problem". If it was meant to be between us, we will come back together in the future, but for right now, I don't see it happening. I am sorry that you had to endure so much physical pain and I am sorry that I had to endure emotional pain. But I can't. Please don't be upset and e-mail me with negative and hurtful comments. Because that isn't the way it's supposed to be, those are all the things you said to me while we were together and that's part of the reason why I left. I know how you feel towards the whole situation and you don't need to keep reminding me of the wrongs that I have done you. I trully am sorry for everthing that I have done wrong. I do take full resposibility for everything. I am not denying that I was wrong a lot of the time, the only thing I can't do anymore is take responsibility for the wrongs that you have done me.
Please don't e-mail me with angry and hurtful comments, because it isn't right. One minute you are telling me that you recognize your mistakes and are sorry and the next, you're yelling at me telling me that I am wrong for "giving up" That is what you've always done. Nice one minute and totally mean and ugly the next. No more Vincente. Please, no more

I had sent her an email telling her how hurt i was when I saw them kissing. I tried for the first two months to send cards letters flowers, but she hasnt responded to any of it, i just think she is too focused on him now. She even turned her cell off.

I swear I would put the next two years in getting her back but how when her mom and her dislike me, and she has eyes for someone else.I hate myself for losing her. I feel like a fool that 6 months ago i had a home and a wife and now i live at home and am at rock bottom................................................

I sent her a letter yesterday telling her how much i love her and how sorry I am and I would do whatever it took. i also included the car pink slip, for business reasons. I asked her out. My heart cant help but hope. If i got one more date maybe i can get my foot in the door...

why does it feel like two people have died and shes not gone and I can go over there tonight and make love to her................... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

gemy,

I just needed to clear something up for myself.....

Are you two married, or were you boyfriend/girlfriend? I'm just curious because you never say "wife", but a few people have been making that assumption.

Again, I'm sorry for what you have been through.

Yes we are civilly married, she wants an annullment, but hasnt mentioned it recently. I love my wife very much, my mama, or in spanish my vieja <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

gemy4,

Just my opinion, what's the rush to "get over it"? You're going to be processing the pain for a long time. It took me years and lots of counseling and a lot of MB posting. And I hadn't gotten a STD; my H simply told me he never had loved me. (standard WS script)

What you do need to "get over" is giving in to the urge to email, call, contact your wife for any reason. It isn't working. Having a date with her will not "get your foot back in the door." Trust me on this. You are deluging her with your attempts at contact,driving her away. Go dark. And get some counseling, and do healthy things for yourself.

Oh, and the penis thing? Yes, I get it. Totally. Men are best friends with their members. It sux that for the rest of your life, the scarring is there as a reminder.

Take care gemy4.

Thank God I don't know what an STD is, but I can tell you that pushing her with so many phone calls is not good. I mean, I'm hispanic too, and can understand how you latinos feel, and it's more of a YOU WILL NOW LOVE ME and it's not that way. Sometimes us women will do fine with ONE ROSE instead of a dozen roses, a simple I ADORE YOU does more than a I NEED A DATE TO HAVE YOU BACK. Step back for a minute and think of all the things you've done to get her back and they all sound to me like AGGRESIVE BEHAVIOR more than a tender aproach with real repentment feelings.

Stop judging her, it takes two to love and it takes two to get a divorce. I know how hard it is when they tell you they feel empty, but this is good, because what they don't realize is that no one can make them happy, they first need to make themselves happy to then make another person happy because then that means that it doesn't matter who she turns to .. she will still be empty, it's her who is wrong and not you when she says this, so at least this is the only one thing she is wrong. Going out and looking for somebody else will make ger feel "full" for some time or while the excitement of a new relationship lasts then, she'll feel the same way.