YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT HOPE TEXAS. I know all my attempts have only pushed her farther away but I cant help it. I was always content with myself before and during her, its now that yeah it sucks but im kinda ok still. She always needed to be loved to love herself. YET I still love her.....uh yeah : )


What can I do to do my best. I am in IC and recognize my mistakes and want to do the right thing. I dont think I have done a good PLAN A, that is what I though I was doing, for 6 months, its been 4. Last night I found a bunch of love songs with her name in it and I was going to mail it to her. Good or bad. This time I will wait and let you guys guide me. Ok thank You today feels like itwill be a better day.

Do i even bring up the fact that she is wrong about needing love to love herself, she has been through ALOT, in her life, or is it a LB.

Gemy, do not send the love songs. Desperate is never becoming. I wouldn't bring up any areas where you think she's wrong.

Just ask yourself "How will this make her feel good about me?" Don't act desperate. Don't act like you still love her madly. Don't criticize. Don't point out her part in the mess.
One way to think about love is to consider it within the Love Bank context. Consider the statement "No one will ever love you like I do." Aside from the nasty threat, this statement is not a good arguement for someone to stay with you. That fact that you are madly in love with her only proves she did a lot of good things. It does not reflect on you, your behavior or your merit in any way.

Given the above, avoid any "Can't you see how I feel about you?" stuff. Poems, songs, cards, flowers, etc.

Instead concentrate on demonstrating care. Care, or the "active love" is what will make her fall back in love with you.

What do you suggest Greengables. This relationship really does feel dead. I have my emotional swings and today i did not miss her, yesterday i did, so i dont know. What I do know is I want to give it my best shot so i dont regret it later. I dont know if I can ever forgive her for being unfaithful. My family vetos the idea of her ever bing accepted into our family again. What they dont get is she made me really happy once and THATS the girl I want back. The kind gentle selfless love that made me so happy.

I'm with Greengables. Don't send the songs.

Giving it your best shot doesn't mean trying to contact her. It means taking really good care of yourself and plowing ahead with school and preparing your life. Someday the nights you spent cracking the books will pay off. You will have embedded in your brain and in your hands just the crucial bit of knowledge/skill/information that you need to make a huge difference where it will really matter.

I believe your family DOES understand that you want back the sweet loving girl who made you feel so wonderful.

They love you. They can't stand it that she has done so much damage to you. Your parents changed your diapers. THey put diaper cream on your private parts when necessary. They took you to the Dr. for vaccinations to keep you healthy. Sat with you and drilled you to prepare for exams in school until you were old enough to do it on your own. Saved money, scrimped for you. Bonded with the girl you loved, and dreamed about spoiling your chldren when they came along.

Now the perfect baby they raised is injured, scarred, treated with contempt. By the girl they took to their hearts. They are feeling your pain second hand.

They lost loves too. They know the feeling of betrayal, loneliness. They probably also remember the longing to get back what they once thought they had with a special lover. Don't be too quick to think they don't understand.

Now they know what she is capable of doing. They have a viper in their midst if she returns to the family. A pretty, soft spoken maybe, cute cuddly woman-child who heedlessly brought their son a painful illness.

Anyway, that's from my perspective as a Mom.

I cut my hair today hoping for a change and I fely good for about an hour, about now I crashed again.I hadnt cried in about three days. The pain is unbearable. I used to be so strong now i feel like a bowl of jello <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I saw some baby soccer shoes the other day, i love soccer, and it felt like a knife in the heart. I had told her back in May I was ready for my boy.........

I do feel injured scarred angry frustrated betrayed sorry lonely ugly mutilated mamed castrated dirty damaged rejected worhless .............cant stop the navel gazing
who could love me now

Bellevue you say a lot of things that my mom has said. she doesnt like her at all whether she did this on purpose or not.

You have to take your own advice and make this about you. You have to fix your own life, you have to be settled with everything that's happened in your own life before she or anyone will be with you. You have to resolve your std anger, the anger that comes from the pain before you could ever take her back. What if she were to come back, and you were so resentful that you couldn't be with her anymore?

Take this time for yourself. She's not going to get any further away than she is now. If she sees you becoming a better, more whole person then maybe that will change something in her. And maybe when you are that better and whole person then you might not want her anymore?

I do agree that you need to exhaust every option before you count this marriage out. I am in a very similar situation to yours, minus the std. My dh up and left with not much reasoning, blah, blah, blah, my family hates him now, I was desperate to get him back. In the end? I had to do what was right for me. Don't have any regrets, but do make decisions for yourself and not for anyone else.

Who could love you now? Yourself, for one. Not romantically, but as a child of God created with a purpose in life. Your family, for others. They know your true worth, and it has nothing to do with the beauty or lack of beauty in your private parts.

I understand the feeling of shame you have for the damage done to your body. It's rotten that such harm occurred in the April of your life. Such scars might be more easily dealt with by a man who had lived years longer than you have, more easily accepted. Older people get cancers and have surgery to remove them so they can still go on living. It's unfair that such a thing happened to you, an innocent, at such a young age.

Personally, I think that not repressing the feelings you have written about, about your self-image in the aftermath of the HPV, is healthier than pretending to be "over it." And the internet MB Boards is a safe, anonymous place to write how you are feeling.

You will grow to feel better. In the outside world, nobody can see into your pants. They see you, clothed and attending school, taking care of business, living your life. I empathize with you.

I hope you are not talking about the issues you write about here when you are with friends/classmates, etc. It would not be helpful to you. You are not your illness. It shouldn't be one of the first things people think of when they see you.

(((((((((gem)))))))))))))

No this is the only place where i can vent. My family immediate family is the only one who knows. We dont talk about it.

Glad to hear it. Just had a thought - have you searched on the web for support groups for people affected by HPV? Not saying this to shoo you away, just thinking about additional support, safe places for you to vent and heal.

When I first started dealing with my H's EA, I felt so alone, and ashamed. Several months later I did a web search for "emotional affair" "emotional infidelity" and eventually found MB. It was a godsend.

It validated my perception of WH's "friendship" when he had me doubting my sanity. It supported me through trying to restore our marriage. And it's been there for me, while I worked through everything.

Keep your chin up gemy4.

Just got this

Hey there-
I just got your last e-mail. Yes, what you sent me did sound familiar. It made me kind of sad, but it made me see that it was not "you". Just that guys in general are the same exact way reguardless of how good you are to them.
So, how have you been? I hope you have been doing well. I am doing ok. Been real depressed lately, but I will deal with it. I always have, and I always will. Nothing real new or exiting in my world right now, just living day by day, working over forty hours a week, trying to make ends meet. Hope you're doing well financially.
Well Ceja Boy, ya me voy. I have to go do a take home quiz.
Take care,
Valerie

It was a response to a 4 page letter wher i poured my heart out telling her how sorry i was. Last night I went out with a friend and realized how screwed i am. I couldnt even keep the conversation going. I cant believe my monkey is gone for real

I didn't understand her message. "boys are the same regardless of how you treat them?" what does that mean?

And she's a little depressed? Do you know why/what about?

Can you just go dark for about a month and concentrate on yourself, give her time to miss you? No more letters pouring your heart out, no emails, phone calls?

I guess she forgives me for being a jerk and says men are all the same (jerks). Shes probably depressed because shes lonely whether she be with someone or not.

yeah im going into the dark from here to christmas is my goal.

... and take really really good care of yourself.

She wrote back a two pg letter in the mail in response to my letter where i poured my heart out. She says that she would have to think twice about seeing me on a date because a couple emails back i was very hateful and hurtful. This was after i saw her kissing that guy, who i know and is a loser [censored], thats why it made me so mad but anyways.

I am alot calmer since then. She says that she doesnt go out much and is working on a loan to get my name off her car. She wonders if my family hates her and if they do shell deal with it and they shouldnt judge her. Shes sorry for anyway that she hurt me. She says it wasnt all my fault, that she was no angel. She hopes I can see why she did what she did. She also mentions shes going out on some party vehicle thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Is the consideration of an outing hope at all. Should I ask again. Is a platonic date even a good idea.

I go from why should I play bench when ive been starter all my life, or now that im bench do i need to up my game to get my position back???

Do i write her back telling her no one hates her, except my sister lol, or do i ignore it and just keeping working on myself???

All i know is that if im still this obsessed with her I know I still care for her very much. What if shes just messing with my head and other guys <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Is the consideration of an outing hope at all. Should I ask again. Is a platonic date even a good idea.

just my opinion: Don't ask again. Let her make the moves for now. She's skittish because of your reaction when you saw her kissing the jerk. (A normal reaction, by the way.) Backing off is not sitting on the bench. It is rather being cool, calm and collected. You have poured your heart out. She has written back to you. Give her time to miss you. And let her make the next contact.

The consideration of an outing COULD BE hopeful. It's out there now. Let HER think on it and make the move toward you if she is interested.

She has your letter. Written words are good. She can study what you wrote, think about it, re-read it. She can put it away and sleep on it for awhile. She might even share it with girlfriends, and they might discuss it for hours, days. None of this is bad for you.

She knows you love her. Please be patient. If you pursue, she could decide to interpret pursual as "stalking" or "suffocating" or "desperate." Any of those descriptions are not attractive. You want her to be attracted to you, right? Back off.

Besides, you're in school. Devote extra time to study. Do you have a study group? Are there women in the group? (It doesn't matter if they are ugly as sin and smelly as dead fish. Your wife doens't need to know that. In fact, she doesn't even need to know whether there actually ARE women in your study group.) Get busy, busy with your life. Screen your calls. If she calls, call her back later. Or not at all. Let her call you twice before you respond. And you were "busy" when she called, but don't explain what you were busy with.

Oh, and the car? Check with DMV about getting your name off of it. You are still liable if she has an accident while driving as long as your name is on the title.

Thanx I was going to write her back. I am so lonely with out her. She was my only and best friend. Thers no excuse for hitting I just panicked when i knew i was losing her. I knew the day I got this HPV and the damage it did that d it was going to be real hard with her but never this hard without her.

I just hope to god she didnt cheat on me and give me this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I guess ill never know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. i hope this john guy didnt give me this because i really dont know how ill be able to control my self if i see them on the street if i find out it came from him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />.

UPDATE

I met thee most beautiful educated women tonight. We are going back out to a concert tomorrow. I met a keeper wow. She even loves soccer X hated it wow maybe god does have someone for everyone. I am not getting my hopes up but will play my cards right with the lessons I have learned.

Id like to thank Bellevue for all her support thanks goodnight