Hey I done great as well. Instead of saying I'll try to loose weight I have lost 70lbs. I look great. I say now I'm gonna do it. If i fail at something So what at least i learned something new.

Thanks, Pep, for the encouragement!

We all get that "I'm trying" line don't we?

I got "once we are able to connect again, then I'll end contact with OW. I'm trying to connect with you, but I just can't."!

Hallo?

My reponse: "I'm not going to connect with you until you end contact completely and forever to Skunkypoo and can prove it".

***I hope one day YOU realize YOU are the *prize* that YOU need
when you do, a second-rate man has no appeal***

Well - THAT oughta be carved on the inside of every woman's eyelids.
Mulan

Pep,

Quote:I hope one day YOU(BS) realize YOU(BS) are the *prize* that YOU(WS) need

I hope that you don't mind another SoCal's bend on an excellent statement

The above taken from BR...... what a poet!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

By the time the WS spew this babble, they are in really past the I'll try mark. So they are using lower acceptance level and expect the BS to accept it. Now that's babble.

The sad piece is most of us as BS' FELT sooo desparate, we SETTLED for it with open arms and open bank accounts.

Which one of us who did this DID NOT get ripped off?

I know I got ripped off and had to deal with about 7 false recoveries. Ohhh.....can't remember the exact # but you all know that is waaay 2 2 2 much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

That's why I hate to see other BS' go through similar. What I know now, I wish I wasn't soooo stubborn to see then. My inate (sp???) desire to 'fix it' was twisted into 'enable it'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

The after effect of feeling used and even abused..... grew into anger, frustration and hate. Then it is easy for the emotions to get out of control and that is when it is sooo easy for the BS to screw up.

MB has tools to help prevent that. They are not easy to implement but show good results in a relatively short time. However to most BS 2 minutes c/b a long time so 2 weeks may seem like forever. In reality it is a short time.

My suggestion to the "I want to try" babble is say something like:

WS: I want to try

BS: Try what?

WS: U know.....recover our M.

BS: Why?

WS: Well, I don't know.

(ok if you get that type of response or an angry one.... STOP.... no need to continue the discussion.....anymore will give the WS more ammo to leave and blame you for it. The work SUCKER, starts to show on the BS' forehead).

If the WS says:

WS: Because our M is worth fighting for. I have done much to destroy it and want to fix it.

BS: Why?

WS: I am not sure..... (gets angry).

Again, if the WS gets unsure, stop the convo. They could have practiced to get to this point but since the BS is not biting and removing all the barriers, then the WS real intentions may start to show.

If the Xws starts to say...

Xws: I am not sure if you even want me back. Not as I am right now but as your real H. Here's a list of what I can do now, please give me yours. I need some guidance right now. I know this may seem sudden and understand if you are taken aback and need time. I will await your list with a solid recovery plan. In the meantime, I will be reading the stuff you gave me right after d/d along with those 2 books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. We can't really afford their phone counseling yet but may be could save up for it. Ok? I know I can love you again, the right way......I am very ashamed of my actions. Please don't give up on me.

BS: (speechless w/ a small tear). Ok.

Howz that?!??!!?

L.

Words of Wisdom, Pep!!!!!

AMEN-
I received this speech over the phone after just 48 hours of a plan B and its the ONLY reason I returned home. I had heard the "I'm trying" and "Ok, let's try" for years and hearing it again wouldn't sway me.

As Master Yoda says, "Do or do not, there is no try"

That's exactly what I'm trying to determine right now. I thought I should already know and that it was wrong I didn't. I mean, I know the basic stuff, but it's the filler I'm trying to figure out. Thanks for saying that Pep.

realtor* and Pep - EXCELLENT JOB on the weight losses! I'm so impressed. You are an inspiration.

Orchid and mojodiva - those are the words I LONG to hear from my H. I would be speechless if I heard them or something similar.

I kind of wonder if I should have done Plan B sooner. It seems like it would have had a greater impact if I had. I just didn't have the strength.

A BS takes plan B action when they are ready....not before.

Best time t/d plan B is:

1. when the WS is at their worst.
2. when the BS mind and heart are in sync.
3. when the BS has strengthened his/her personal support group
4. when the BS has their finances secured.
5. when the BS is ready to accept the D course if needed.
6. when the BS has identified and ready to implement their
'real boundaries'. These are the boundaries which will enforce action when the WS crosses them.....expect the WS to cross those boundaries. Keep the list short and simple.

It is better for the BS t/b stable and sure-footed in their actions. Plan B, unlike plan A is more decisive in it's plan.

JMHO,
L.

In the immortal (immoral?) words of 2long:

"Actions speak. Words don't."

-Qfwfq

Geez, I'm really putting myself out here with this but here goes.

When I said "I want to try" it's actually all I could give my H at that time. In fact, to start with all I said was "I'm still here."

Not a lot for a BS to go on. I had an exit A - I had no idea that I was going to still have a M after D-day. I thought I'd be kicked out - I hoped I'd be kicked out.

The emotions I then went through were not what I expected. I didn't know that I DID want to try. I didn't know what the heck I wanted. But it was that tiny little glimpse of "I want to try" that started us off on the road to recovery.

It's 2 years this month from d-day. And here we are.

Jen

Sorry was "putting myself out here" too much of a Kiwi-ism. I meant I'm setting myself up for perhaps some negative remarks.

2 years! Congratulations, Jen.

Great list, Orchid!
I might add to it:
When a good, solid Plan A has been implemented with no LBs and some positive, permanent changes (self improvement) have been made by the BS.

Pretty much exactly what I was thinking, Jen.

When confronted with the monster I had become, I was so unsure of what I was capable of that I was AFRAID to commit to anything. I was an emotional mess. I knew I didn't want to lie to my wife anymore, so I couldn't "lie" about a committment that I did know I that I could keep...not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't trust MYSELF at that point.

Heck, it was 2 months before I could even say "I love you" without wondering if I had any clue what it really meant.

So, I very much disagree with "To try is lie"...it wasn't.

Low

These are the same words that my WH was saying before I went into Plan B. That he doesn't trust anyone - Me, OW, Himself. He says he doesn't think he can be married.

Do you think leaving him with a positive impression and Plan B letter gave him any idea of just how much I really care and love him? I spent months on a Plan A but was getting no where. I'm curious seeing these exact words now what your opinion is.

It depends on if he ever heals within himself. If he's able to recover his own integrity, then, yes, I think he'll be able to see and appreciate what you've done.

I discovered that it was very difficult to accept that others actually did love and care about me until I was able to see something lovable in myself.

Kiwi Jen

I hear ya ... in fact this puts an emphasis on what my point was ... a WS saying "I'll try" ... means SQUAT.

So many times the BS hears this and thinks .... "Oh, they are ready to come back ...."

and NO

"I'll try" doesn't mean anything other than "I don't know."

Low ... you have a conversation with your W and you tell her all about how dissatisfied you have become with the marriage. You want to go out ~with her~ and do exciting things ~with her~ ... and her response is ... "I'll try."

.... and you know this means nothing will change because "I'll try" is not "I will commit to doing this."

and although it may be the best one can offer in certain uncertain circumstances , "I'll try" is usually not enough when there is a long track record of NOT trying. It is, in fact, a lie in those circumstances. Because "not trying" and "trying" produce identical results in that case.

I'm sure this is what you meant, Pep...

But the follow-up replies make it sound like we WS's are plotting some kind of intentional evil conspiracy when we say "I'll try"

I thought Jen made an excellent point.