Ok..I am a WS. I've been married to hubby for almost five years and we have 2 kids. The OM lives in another state. I have been having a long distance relationship with the OM now for four months. I recently left my husband and lived with OM for a month and a half (OM is still married but going through a divorce). I realize that the relationship with OM is a mistake and I know that it's not going to work out if I leave hubby for OM. My problem is that hubby says that even when he tries to make a deposit in my love bank that I refuse it and the problems in our relationship are not him but me. I am willing to take some responsbility for that statement however it bugs me that he does not see where he contributes to any of this. The OM provides needs that my hubby does not and vice versa. Hubby refuses to do anything about these needs because he says I can't really love anyone anyway. What should I do? OM is a dead end and hubby doesn't want to work on anything because he says it's all me. Do I leave OM and hubby?

Hi Kitten,

You are still very focused on needs and your husband meeting those needs, and what OM offers you. The thing is - these will come, but right now - your husband is slightly right - alot of these problems are yours. You decided to leave the marriage to feel better instead of letting H make you feel better. Your husband is sayin you can't love anyone anyway because HE doesnt feel any love from you - he is destroyed, torn apart - you went to another man. And he is right when he says it's been all about you.

While he will have to see that he contributed to some problems in the marriage before your affair, that is not your job to show him that - it is your job to show him now what you can do for him, that you do love him, and that you want this marriage...now it's about your husband.

Start by reading the recovery guide in my signature and welcome to MB.

If you ever want your husband to take even a small amount of responsibility for the marriage problems, then you have to stop blaming him for your affair, and as much as I know you aren't, the way you are asking him to look at his contributions, for where he is emotionally right now, it comes across as blame for the affair....

Hang in there, and start to focus on your changes - and if the marriage is really what you want - start to focus on your husband and the marriage and changes in you for tthis goal of a better marriage - be the leader and your H will follow.

Can I suggest that you first allow him to recover from the assault and abuse of your adultery? For example, when you beat the shi* of someone and break their bones, shouldn't you give the bones time to heal before you demand they run a race for you? There is nothing that he has done in your marriage that is as damaging as having an affair, so I imagine it galls him to be victimized by you only to be told that he needs to clean up his act.

The fact is that you are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage, 100% responsible for the affair and only have the power to clean up your side of the street. So, I would suggest you clean up your side of the street before you commence demanding he clean up his.

Let his wounds heal from the damage you inflicted before you make demands of him.

MelodyLane. Here we see eye to eye!

Kitten - you are waaaay overdrawn in the love-bank. Try to build credit before demanding deposits!

Have you ended all contact with the OM?
What steps have you taken to restore trust?
Have you opened your life up to him and given him all passwords, cell phone bills, etc?
What are you doing to repair the damage you caused?

Let's discuss what you are doing to repair the damage you caused.

Ok one thing I failed to mention.... I've had problems with men all my life. I've been married twice before and had affairs on those husbands. My current hubby thought that allowing me be with other men sexually would keep me with him (reverse psychology I guess). Up until that point in our marriage I did not want to cheat or be with anyone else. Yes, I realize that he did not put a gun to my head and make me do this but you don't give a recovering drug addict drugs and say "It's ok to use them just don't become addicted again" So I guess I'm angry at him for it would seem "enabling" me to get into this situation. Or maybe I'm just looking at this the wrong way.

sckitten, look at the woman in the mirror for the source of the problem. The buck stops right there with the lady in the mirror. That is where the anger should go.

And yes, if you have affairs, it tends to cause "problems with men," but you already knew that.

and another thing....I'm not sure I really want to save this marriage for any other reason than the sake of the kids. I guess I really don't love him but I don't want to break up the family.

I was once the WS and when I found myself truely broken and humble I was willing to do anything to keep my marriage. I learned I had to be second because I had put myself first for way too long. Everyone here is right, restore the trust, repair the damage, allow time for healing, learn to communicate, build the love-bank. Your husband needs time to mend. I kept watching the pain in my wife's face and I thought it would never go away, but slowly it did. Don't rush, you have to be patient. I'm sure you ran to the OM because of needs and now you still want those needs met, but now is not the time to make the demands. Now is when you seek counsel how on to handle those needs in another manner.

Have you thought about counseling? If this has been a pattern in your life, you must realize that you have some problems that need addressing. That would be a starting point.

Have you considered that you just aren't marriage material? I would suggest being honest with him and telling him you don't love him so he has an opportunity to vacate the marriage and move onto something better.

I didn't know about the other marriages and patterns of affairs. It's possible you have a relationship addiction, similar to a sexual addition for men.

It is time for you to buck up and stop being so self-centered.
Because you have two children with your H, I think it is worth it to try to fix the current marriage.

I think you must have a unhealthy beliefs about what love is and what commitment means.

I agree that you may have an addiction to what you think is 'love', and you may benefit from SAA...OR Love and Sex Annonymous group therapy or IC to address your problems.

Your kids will benefit from having a better example of what a woman of character and honor really is. If you continue on the path you have lead to this point I can not see it ending anywhere half as fullfilling as being a faithful wife and good mother.

Rethink your priorities.

Yes, I've been in counseling for most of my adult life. (I'm 34). Basically all I've concluded is my parents were poor role models, I was emotionally and verbally abused as a child and everyone around me thought I was a total screw up. I have not, however, solved any of my problems.

And yes, Melody I have considered that I'm just not marriage material. And yes, Melody, I have told him that I don't love him. And yes, I have even suggested that he divorce me so that he can find someone who really loves him for him and a better mother for the kids but I guess he's just too hard headed or something to do that.

And my guess is you are still looking for acceptance.

And yes, I've been to SAA meetings and was told that I had low self-esteem and I did not trust anyone and that I went into relationships with men because I was trying to get my real father to love me but that was never going to happen. And for the record, I am not asking my H to make any deposits in my love bank now he was saying that when he would try to make deposits in my love bank before all of this happened I would reject them. He said that I would not let anyone really love me and that's why I go from man to man to man. I have a hard time getting close to anyone men as well as women. I have tried everything. I have tried counseling, church, group therapy for my problems....nothing works. I am at the end of my rope.

My advice...is that you work really really really hard at the present of stopping ALL chaos in your world.....


you abandoned your own children for this other man...

your children need you
and they a need a mom that they KNOW is going to be there in the morning.....

people have horrific experiences in their lives and STILL carry on to be loving well adjusted adults that can see beyond what was or wasn't done for them and to them..

there is no secret power that enables them to do this EXCEPT the refusal to be a victim...

truth is sck...you do know right from wrong....and in the past you have chosen wrong again and again for in it is your comfort zone....

you have perhaps a man and have had men willing to really love and cherish yet you cling to the old known not because you have to but because you chose to..

time to quit choosing...that old way...

your children need you...

you don't feel you love your husband...and yet your actions have not been loving nor have they been lovable...

time to stop the relationship talk
time to stop the whirling thoughts in your mind..
time to slow down and think about each and every move and word you speak....

time to start imagining being the type of wife and mom you can be...and move towards that woman..

you have a lot to repair...and it sounds like you have been running a long long time....but now the collateral damage is too great and you stand to bring great pain and destruction in to your children's world....

isn't that the best motivation needed to change....

ARK

This is a justification and an excuse - you said right then you had problems all your life - it's time to own up to your behaviors and start figuring out what type of person you want to be.

So sorry to hear that. You are very young to be at the end of your rope. You must have a sad and lonely life. I hope you will stick around and keep reading and posting here.