Thanks WTL,

I forgot my own advice and tried to pull him closer. I know better and should have known he would pull away. I have gone back to lovingly distancing myself and things are getting better. I don't think we are out of the dark yet, but it sure beats the foggy, mean H that shows up if I push.

I do still hope he is maintaining NC. If not, I am sure I will find out. Eventually. I do still maintain that if the affair has continued or takes up again, I will begin Plan B immediately. I refuse to be the third point of a triangle ever again.

Still here and hanging in there,
Loni

Loni,

I never realized how similar our sitches were. My WH is here with no contact but no real commitment either. I'm not sure about pushing the NC letter either. I'm on the same rollercoaster of "Do I really even WANT him anymore?" followed by "Yes, more than anything." I also find my loving feelings for him worrisome, because they seem to make me more vulnerable.

Another similarity is that I'm trying to back off completely as well -- very little verbal or physical affection going either way. He can't or won't give it or take it. I also find that if I push it I push him further away. It's frustrating when they won't let you meet their ENs, isn't it? I guess the fog continues for both of our WH's. But not for forever, right? I'm glad you're hanging on, and I'll keep hanging on as well. Good luck!

(((((((Loni)))))))

WOM

Thanks WOM,

It is really amazing how similar cheaters are in their thinking. I sometimes look at my H and think that he is insane, an idiot or needs serious medication because nobody can go through a personality change like he did without mental issues, right?

Stay strong. I find that if I just remember that he is an alien dressed to look like my H, then I can handle the fogspeak much better. Otherwise, I get caught up in the emotion and lose hope.

Loni

R u all treating this returned Xws real good? If so, why? As long as he acts like an unappreciative Xws, then why would you want to meet all his needs? Do you feel like you are groveling and not getting much in return? More like a slave than a spouse?

Right now a truly repentant Xws s/b doing cartwheels for the BS. Wanting t/d whatever it takes (within reason of course) to regain the trust from the BS and family. You don't just hear the words, you see the actions. Even then, it isn't convincing until it shows endurance. It takes time.

You know all that babble when a Ws doesn't want to come back:

WS: I love you but am scared to come back....you have made good changes but am afraid they won't be permanent.

BS: WHAT?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

That is babble.

Here's what a recovered Xws s/b saying:

WS: I am coming back. Here's what I have done and w/b doing. Let me know if it is enough. I will check back with you each day until you decide when it is safe for me to return to my family. I truly miss and love you all. What an Azz I have been. I am truly sorry.

BS: What?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Orchid

You are right. This is the exact babble I have experianced. It is like the BS is the one that only has to change in their opinion.

So what do we do? I'm not going to just walk away from this marriage because he's still in the fog. I'm giving him time to go through w/drawal, giving us time to sell our home and move, and me time to prove that I've really made the changes I need to make for myself.

Seriously, what other advice would you give me? I'm trying to show him what life can be like with DS and me. And there is slight progress -- a little at a time. Isn't that worth it for now? As long as there's no contact? I'm not sure what else I can do. I agree with your assessment of how he SHOULD be acting, but if he's not, what can I do about it at this point? It's not like the affair is continuing, so Plan B wouldn't be appropriate, would it? Please give me specific insights into what you think I (and Loni) should do differently at this point.

Thanks

WOM

Exactly right. Do I throw the M away now that the A is over even though he is not exactly thrilled? I am considering doing what the book says. (WHs book about affairs) Just trying to not LB and let him deal with his own crap for awhile. I won't do the affair thing ever again and he knows it. I will not allow myself to be the 3rd point of a triagle again. So now, I guess, is the time to begin to heal. For both of us. I hope that he will see over time that the harm caused by the affair was never worth it.

I don't allow him to treat me with disrespect but I try to treat him with as much care as I can without expecting anything in return. It is tiring and wearing on my nerves but the family is worth it.

Loni