What can I do or say when my 4 year old son calls crying
wanting daddy to come home and live with him again but
W says no that I can't be trusted since i betrayed her love
by having an A. I have sent no contact letter to OW. I have
had no contact with OW.I wrote W a commiment letter expressing by regret,started back in church,Give here almost
my whole paycheck weekly,still go by and take care of house
duties( mowing,weedeating,maint on house ) fill up her car
weekly.I have sent flowers,cards,poems,gifts,letters,read
books,printed off stuff from this website for her to read.
Have not gone out have stayed at my parents house.Go by and
see son every day.Don't know what else to do. I have told son that daddy made a bad choice and can't live with him right now but Daddy still loves him very much and he comes and spends the nights with me twice a week.Now he is starting to be hateful and angry towards W and I tell him not to it;s not mommy's fault it is Daddy's.He gets mad and says no mommy won't let you come home she is mean. Don't know how much more of his crying I can take.I see the pain I have caused him and her.Someone please help.Please

Keep doing what you are doing. When was DDay?

Do you take him for over night visit's?

What I would give for my WH to what you are doing for your wife.......

But you have to remember she is in pain and it will take time and your continued honesty with her and keep showing her you love her and want to work on the marriage.

I not sure what dday means if you mean divorce we haven't talked about it.If you mean the day she found out it was
Sept. 6th. Yes i take him with me to my parents overnight
at least twice a week.Thanks

Keep telling your son it's not your wifes fault, its not his fault, and when you can you will be back home. Make sure you don't tell him mommy is not letting you come home. Encourage him, reassure him and do what you can for now. Continue to do your best, seek counseling, seek to make amends, seek to communicate, seek to be humble, seek to restore your marriage. In time things will work out and kids rebound quickly......so hang in there and it will be ok.

Right now it is too soon to do anything. It's been a VERY short time since all this came out ... Sept 6th you said...hence the catch phrase DDAY.

What is the history?

How did your wife find out about the A (Affair)?

She's been terribly betrayed right now, and it's going to take her a little while to get herself together. The first few weeks are horrible. I can tell you she's not eating, sleeping, bathing, talking. She's probably doing the best she can to take care of your son. She cries alot. You're little guy has to be really confused with all this around him.

We can all help you try to save your marriage. We just need as much information as you can get out.

I know you're in a lot of pain right now. I'm sorry you're here, but we've all be in your situation in one way or another. Some of us are BS (betrayed spouses), some of us are WS (wayward spouses).

Start reading all you can on this website. It's got a lot of information on the homepage.

How old are you and your W (wife)?

How long have you been M (married)?

Do you have any other children?

You mentioned your W hasn't mentioned D (divorce), is that because you haven't spoken or because she just doesn't know what she wants yet?

Have you ended contact with OW (other woman)?

Your screen name suggests you had an A (Affair) at work. Do you still work there? Do you see the OW there? How long was the A?

OM husband called my wife
W is 36 I am 35
married 7 years
1 son that is W and Mine.I have a daughter from previous
relationship.
Divorce hasn't been brought up she says she can't afford one and I don't want one.
No contact with OW
Yes i still work there,OW quit.
A lasted 4 months.
OW hasn't contacted me in 2 weeks since I told her to stop calling I loved my wife and what we did was immoral,not right,and should have never happened and to stop calling me.

Wasn't a good night,started by sending W a dozen long stem
red roses.Helped her cook dinner for us and son and my daughter (not from W )and W niece and her son was there.
Had a nice dinner set on back deck and watched kids play
until it was dark.Then W and son and myself went into bedroom and talked. I told him he had the best mommy in the
world and this was not her fault,it was not his fault,Daddy
made a bad choice and because of it he couldn't live with him right now maybe someday he could again but not now,but daddy still loved him with all his heart and would talk and come by and see him everyday for at least a little while and he could spend the night with daddy a couple days a week.But he had to stop saying it was mommy's fault and be
good and do what she says and she was not mean and it is not her fault.With him being only 4 not sure he really knew
what I was saying anyways he agreed and left room.W broke down started crying and yelling saying I ruint her life and
I am ruining our son life because I will never live there again and if he continues to be mean and hateful towards W she is going to stop letting son come and spend nights with me and she thought it was a bad ideal that I come by there daily to see him all I am doing is making it rough on him.Kept yelling and then started screaming until her neice made her calm down.Finally told me to leave before she had to call the cops.I never raised my voice at all.Finally her and neice left and when she came back she was calm and did allow me to take son overnight. My question to someone is it doing more harm to son by going by and seeing him daily than it is good.I want him to know Daddy loves him and misses him very much.My new Pastor said to put myself in the family atmosphere ever chance I get so it can remind W of how it once was,but W says me coming bye daily is not good for son.What do I do?? Help Please

Follow your pastor's advice. Be there for your son, and hopefully later, your wife.

What you can't realize, not being the BS, is how horribly devastating all of this is to the BS. It is not easy to just "get over".

I'm sure your words to your son reminded your wife of all of the unnecessary pain your family must go through, and it made her angry.

Continue stepping up to the plate, and taking the lead in recovery.

Thank you so I need to continue to go by daily ?

Your wife sounds as though she needs time to sort through her feelings about the A and the pain that goes with it. Keep up the good work and let time heal a little bit. Read everything you can on how to recover from the A and how to avoid future affairs. Good luck.

Hello WC,

If I may say so,please slow down a bit here ok? Based on your posts,it sounds like you are rushing things so quickly and your W is trying to hold onto her sanity right now.All the things you have been doing are great(roses,dinner,cards,helping out,etc) but she is majorly distrustful of you now.She is probably wondering so many things,much of which are: How could you do what you did? Will he still see the homewrecker(my term)?,Will he leave me again? How can I ever trust him again?

Your son needs to be protected at all costs.He cannot witness any arguing or emotional outburts ok? He is too little to understand much of anything.All he really needs to know is that you both love him and he will be safe.He needs to FEEL this from the both of you which is why you must keep all discussion calm and without him involved.It is ok,IMO,to express why you aren't there as you usally are but in a very calm and reassuring way.Do still be part of his life.He needs and wants that security and your W should realize this too.The last thing he needs is to feel abnadoned,scared and insecure about his parents.

Your W's comment about you not coming around each day for son is more related to her I think.It is not feeling good for her.But she has to let son see you and he needs to.So,maybe taking him out for fun like to a park or the movies would be best if you can manage.Try to work out a schedule you can both accomodate for now.

Your W probably isn't sure she wants to stay married to you right now.She is totally conflicted about her feelings and has every right to be.Please be PATIENT and kind with her.People who cheat and end the A and are remorseful typically want to hurry up and get moving with recovery.It's just not humanly possible being a betrayed spouse(BS).Much time has to be taken into account.

Be there for her,take your time,SHOW her you are THERE to STAY,gentle reminders and *consistency.She is not going to change over night,you have to wait,if you really want this marriage and your family intact.

O

Work,

Keep seeing your son. It was good that you told him it wasn't his fault or mom's.

I sure hope when she was ranting that your son was no where near!!

Your son must only see a loving or, at least cordial, relationship between you two. Hopefully mom isn't venting to the boy about what a bonehead you are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The more your actions are backing up your words, the more your W will truly see your intentions.

But you must remember, you just tore her heart out through her chest, so she has a huge gaping wound that is still freshly steaming! It will take mucho time to even start healing. She is now in shock and terrible pain. Things must progress with very tender baby steps.

k

Thank you

No son was nowhere around.W and I was in back of house.Son
was in living room.We have never argued or yelled in front
of him.

That's good.Do keep this away from your son.He doesn't need to be involved.

We are pulling for you.Do make a plan for at least yourself,how you can deal with why you got involved with this OW and what you can do to*protect yourself against it in the future*.

Perhaps you can take a moment and read over on the recovery board and see how difficult it is.This isn't going to be easy at all as I'm sure you can appreciate.Time,effort,love,patience,understanding and consistency are key factors.

Good Luck!

O

Work,

It wouldn't hurt to keep telling your son what a fantastic mother he has, and he should treat her as good as he can....or you will beat the tar out of him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

(My mom would threaten me with that, don't remember her ever doing it though.)

k

?

I didn't go that far but I did tell him if he didn';t start
listening to mommy and doing what she says he wouldn't get
to go and do stuff with daddy.He also made me promise to not
cry so I turned it around with him and made him promise to not cry either.We will see if this works. I will give her
more time and space just hard to I want to show her how
much I love her,miss her and how sorry I am I caused this
pain.What makes it worse is the holiday seasons coming up
and both son ( nov 24 ) and wife (12-13 ) b-days coming up
also.How do you handle the holidays and b-days away from the
people you love most??

WC,

Please, please, please.Don't make your son make promises like not crying.Do you realize how you are helping perpetuate this da** myth about men being strong? He NEEDS to be able to cry.He is a little boy.YOU need to be able to cry too.It helps cleanse your soul.Don't keep your emotions bottled up for heavens sake.Threats are not what is needed here.Lots of love,understanding and patience.Please don't tell him he can't spend time with you.Can you understand how scary that could be for him? He needs and deserves to know his parents will be there for him,unconditionally.

Of course all parents should help instill a sense of respect for other's.But if he's rebelling in any way,it is most likely due to his surroundings and feelings and not knowing how to handle them.Show him how.Hug him and love him.

The holidays will be tough but you have to endure.That is what we all do here.It's not easy but you do have some hope.Your W hasn't run out to a D lawyer yet right? At least you haven't mentioned it.Like I said,do your best to be consistent,show her you are available,help out when you can and if she is conducive to that,be a good dad and support your son.Give your W the opportunity to be open with you and share her feelings when she is ready.Don't force.

After her past H's cheating on her and now you doing the same it's just got to be awful for her.Trust was obliterated.It will take a long time to rebuild that again,if ever.And the question is: will you stick around to do that? Your W is secretly waiting to see if you will bail.You'll have to find strength within to go through this.There are no easy answers and no quick fixes.It's long slow painful process but well worth it if you don't end up a divorce statistic like I am about to be.

Hang in there~

O

Edited to add: the ? was because I didn't think krushts "joke" was appropriate at this time.It was not pertaining to you.