what do i do now? leave her alone? just wait? i am a mess...

Be strong. SHE's in the wrong. On some level, she knows that.

she is wrong, and i think she does know that. at least that is what she says. she is really mad that i sent exposure to every email address in her company. she says i should have just sent it to her bosses. i say i am just trying to protect my family. I have tried everything from asking her nicely, to demanding NC, and now to exposure. what hurts most is that i really believed that she was keeping her promise of nc... especially since she was honest with mew just yesterday about feeling jealous about om girlfriend... then she sparks up contact, and the revelation about the boston trip comes out... now OM returned to work apparently he is not leaving and I am at square one... am i supposed to be nice to her, distant, should i approach her, try to talk to her? god i love her so much. why couldn't she just keep her promise? none of this would have happened. i am so sad...

btw i really appreciate everyones support and advice. it helps to feel like i have someone on my side in this.

You keep doing exactly as you were. You had a huge... LB...nobody is saying you didn't, but it's certainly not a deal breaker.

Remember..... she broke the deal. It doesn't erase the level of humiliation, but it's not a deal breaker. I'm sure she and OM have painted you as a deranged man. That is sad, how else could this have been played off. You never said if you forwarded the email between OM and WW or just sent a seperate note.

Either way, keep up doing what you're doing...STOP APOLOGIZING FOR IT.....it makes it easier to flip things around.

Say it ONCE, mean it, and let it GO. It can't be used against you, and if it is, and shouldn't be used against you.

Let me ask you this, has your WW taken the opportunity to apologize or offer up ANY reasons that NC has blatantly been broken?

Or has she taken this opportunity to transfer the whole issue at hand onto YOU and your behavior????

Well, you have started exposure, and I would continue it. And yes, she will be furious.

She and OM will spin this to the boss like you are crazy. If you have copies of emails, I would forward to the boss. Tell him you want to save your marriage, and any help would be appreciated.

Is the OM married?

oh yes, everyone where my wife works thinks i am out of my mind. i should have foprwarded the emails that i have regarding the whole situaiton, then things would look very different. OM is not married, he is a snot nosed kid of 24 years. WW has not offered an apology for breaking NC, and when i ask her why she would do suych a thing when we were making such progress she says she doesn't know. She says she kept the boston trip from me to "protect" me... i don't believe. her. I think she kept it from me to protect herself.

yes, she is certainly focusing on my behavior, like all of this is my fault... HELLO, I AM THE FAITHFUL ONE HERE!!!!

Frustrated,

Well you do me a favor...GET A GRIP. Quit worrying about what she says or what she does. Now send to her and OM's bosses the copies of the emails you have so that proper action can continue. Put the pressure on her and DO NOT RESPOND to her rediculous accusations. You KNOW they are false and you know she is being a child.

Keep the heat on, smile, be nice, but DO NOT BACK DOWN ON this. She knew the cost of continuing the affair and contact and she choose not to believe you. Well, she needs to start believing you now,and you can remind her that you don't lie and you do live up to your promises.

As for OM, and the sueing you. Encourage him to waste his money if he likes.

Son, you are in a strong position. Use it, smile, be kind, no anger or harsh words, but be relentless in protecting your boundaries. She will fold under the pressure. She did NOT respect you before, at least she will respect your word now.

This has a long way to play out, so sit back, be steadfast in your message (I want my marriage and I will be a good H), protect your boudaries relentlessly, and send those emails to their bosses. Don't play games, play to win and that means ENDING this affair. You marriage has no chance with the affair going on and her in contact with him. So unless and until it ends, you have nothing to lose at this point.

Remember NO anger, just a resolute focus on "getting er done".

You are doing just fine.

God Bless,

JL

Man, I like that guy......one cool, intelligent cat... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem,

Coming from you I consider that a deep compliment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You and I do think alot alike about this stuff and I find your responses very reasonable even if you don't think they are MB material. I happen to think they are.

I do hope Frustrated realizes he runs HIS life, and must protect his boundaries for there to be any chance of this marriage or any other to make it.

God Bless,

JL

Your WW is fooling herself if she thinks people at work didn't already know about the A or at least suspect it.

Who really cares what these people think anyway!

You mentioned that OM is not quiting--which means the NC mission is still not accomplished....

Is your wife still going to transfer?

What other steps are you taking to accomplish NC?

Try posting them here and getting feedback to ensure a less emotional response.

Tell us about her company? Also, have you looked on the company website for company policies, mission statements, etc. Sometimes you can use those to demonstrate the company should not condone this behavior and request an immediate transfer, etc.

well, things are not looking so good. wife tells me that she "needs time to think" and that there is a 90% chance that we will be getting divorced. like a moron i spent the whole night groveling, then this mornign told her i would move out. what the ****** is wrong with me?? she says she can never forgive me for the exposure and that noone who loves her would ever embarrass her like that. i say it is her actions that did this, not mine. i am just protecting my family. she says well it had the opposite effect.. ok team, what do i do? do i follow through with moving out? stay away, give her time?

Can you call the phone counseling center here? I think it would be a great investment for you.

Dobie

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Dont move- you will be playing into her hands. She ismad because of exposure. keep you head and holdit up. the pros here will guide you.

Do I stop talking to her altogether? Do I stop asking about divorce and her intentions about our relationship? I am so confused I do not know what to do.

Look, I am a FWW, so I have not been in your shoes and have avoided posting to you for fear I could not help.

But at this point, I can no longer sit idley by and watch you get pushed around....I just had to speak up.

First, let's put things into perspective:

1. Your WW is having an A: is this really the person who should have input on how to “protect” the family? Don’t listen to her or reason with her!

2. YOU are NOT moving out. She is LUCKY she still gets to live there. She lied and she has done terrible things to hurt you and the family. She is LUCKY you are even considering letting her stay in the house and LUCKY that you want to fight for the marriage.

Now, to the still married part—cause that’s the ultimate goal, right?

Understandabley, you seem to be in crisis mode. I think the kind and wise folks on this board would say that means you NEED A PLAN. Turn off your own decision making process and turn yourself over to Mr. Harley’s wisdom and experience.

Read Plan A twice.

Make a list of ACTIONS.

Post it here.

Don’t move out.

Don’t talk or attempt to negotiate with your WW. Avoid her for the moment, until you get your PLAN!

YES!!!



YES!!!

Anything she says right now, she does not mean or is a lie. So, there is NO USE in talking to her anyway.

Calm down and understand that this is going to take some time.

Where is your list of Plan A actions????

If you dont want a divorce, why are you talking about divorce? If you want the marriage, why are you talking about moving out? You are sending mixed messages to your WW. You tell her you are for the marriage...and then you say you will move out. Especially in the fog world of the WS, all this means is that you agree with her and what she has done and what she is doing. It means to her that what you say really isnt what you mean.

Nowhere are you in the wrong here. If she thought what she was doing is embarassing, she would stop it. The reason this all is embarassing is that she is doing embarassing things that now everyone knows about (as if they didnt already know).

Ahuman has it right. You are totally in the right here. Not only is your wife doing wrong things...she is basically wrong. When I say that, I am not necessarily talking about her actions being wrong. I am saying that as a state of being, your wife IS wrong.

So stop listening to someone who's every thought, every move, every motivation IS wrong. You do not have to accept a WW. What you are looking for is your wife.

If your wife came home drunk one night and started saying and doing a bunch of stuff, would you listen to her? Or would you just put her to bed, knowing that she is drunk and probably has no idea what she is saying or doing? Same thing here, Frustrated. She is addicted and drunk. What she is saying and doing makes no sense. So stop trying to make sense out of nonsense. Stop listening to the fog talk.

You are trying to get her away from the drug so she has a chance to go thru withdrawal. ONLY then do you have a chance to see your wife again. And only then can you work on the marriage. Until then, there is no work on the marriage, she isnt in recovery, and you are in Plan A.

In His arms.

DO NOT MOVE OUT!
DO NOT MOVE OUT!
DO NOT MOVE OUT!

Biggest mistake you could make here for your children, if any, yourself and your M.