I posted this on another post, but I thought it best to introduce myself this way. I find it a relief to speak with other's who have dealt with this situation. While I am sure I will appreciate meeting you all, I am sad that we must meet under such circumstances. God bless you all.

My H and I plan to have NC with the OC after it's birth in January. The OW in my situation is married.

I have a question: We live in the Washington, DC/Maryland area. When the OC is born, who has to pay for the blood tests? Whose name is placed on the birth certificate? (my husband will not be signing the certificate). Your response will be so greatly appreciated.

Just some background. This is my first time posting on this forum. My H had a 1 night affair with a co-worker. They both are married, and both were intoxicated. The OW's husband called me and told me about the affair and the pregnancy. He expected us to be one big happy family (REAL CRAZY). My husband had the affair in April of this year. He found out about the pregnancy in May, and was afraid to tell me about it. He thought I would leave him(so did I). The OW explained that my H pursued her, which to me only made me angrier, but also doesn't help her cause much because it really doesn't matter who pursued whom. She laid down without force. I don't blame her for the affair. I blame my husband because we had the committment. I do blame her for continuing with the pregnancy. She told me that it was against her religious beliefs to have an abortion. I asked how her religious beliefs felt about adultery. Dead silence. After discussion and some cussing. My husband and I decided to have NC. He will, of course, be responsible for child support. We have no children, which makes this even harder for me. He has 3 children from a previous marriage. We have been married 3 years. I heard about the affair and pregnancy 1 month after our 3 year anniversary. I truly appreciate forums such as these to help me get over this very painful situation.

Thank you all for allowing me to vent.

So around your 3year wedding anniversary he commited adultery?


First of all you do not have to worry about paying for the DNA test yet... her husband is the legal father of the child until the courts or a DNA test says otherwise. Your husband and you should consult with a lawyer if you have any questions such as these.

Why does the ow husband think it is your H child and not his?

Our anniversary was 1 month after the 1 night stand. My husband told me that they flirted back and forth since January. They would be sure to show up at the same co-worker events. He even gave that B_____! a Valentine's day Card. I spoke with her to be certain that it only happened once, she said 1 time. He would call her during the day, that's the part that crushes. It hurts like ******.

Her H explained that he had a vasectomy. They have 4 other children. The OC is to be born in January. They both had some idea of us all going to picnics and being some big happy family. Believe me when I say, I got that straight quick.

Cordelia - Thank you so much. I will be sure to contact an attorney. What type (Family Law?), General?

You need to interview and hire a good attorney to look out for your interests here. DNA Fees, Child Support, Insurance, etc. Taking care of things legally, from the get go is actually easier on everyone.

There are some things you may want to look into. Can you legally separate, signing any/all property over to you along with spousal maintenance? You want to look into protecting assets for those it was intended. You laywer can help you with this.

What to expect????

1. The OW will start her plantive wail about "what is best for the oc" as if nobody else matters. They like to use that as a drumbeat to try and manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. Plan on hearing that one!

2. ALL OW say the men pursued them. Truth is, they are both guilty of it. They see themselves as victims. LOL.

3. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Hopefully she will grow up and learn that there are lots of people hurt here, and their needs and wishes may not be what she wants. When she learns of NC she may go nuts and start stalking you and sending photos and calling at all hours, whatever game she wants to play. If you are going to go NC, have it set up legally and also explain to her that any contact will be seen as harrassment. Have this all clearly stated and set up legally.

4. DO NOT EVER SEND AN OW A PERSONAL CHECK EVER. When your child support is established, either send her a money order and retain the carbon for your records or open up an account with bank that you do not use. Put the money in the account and have it blindly deposited into the CS account each month. There is no reason to ever let OW have your banking information.

5. LIVE YOUR LIFE. Take care of things legally and move on. I am a firm and strong believer in no contact. Just beacause two people have made a mistake, doesn't mean you have to be held accountable for the outcome. Just because she birthed a child does not give her the right to now dictate to you and your husband how and what choices you will make. Always do what YOU feel is best for YOU.


6. Remember, YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are in control from now on. She may want contact, and you don't...she can't force it. She may then decide that she is happy without your involvement, and you may change your mind and want contact...she can't stop it.

You are amongst for the most part, a good decent group of women here who will support you no matter what you choose.

hello,

my thoughts are that her h is the legal father since ttey are married. i think he has to first prove that he is not the father. if not then you go from there. i personally know two men that had vasectomies yet got their wife pregnant, they did not have affairs. so dont give up hope.you go through enough already having to deal with an xw and three kids.
good luck to you.

1.Some ow's only want CS, and 50% of other expenenses allowed by the legal system. Some do/some don't want contact.
2.I disagree,not all where chased by our H's,&some I have talked to some ow's on other sites and the ow in our case(former friend )admitted to chasing my H.
3.Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I agree
4. I agree. and want to add don't pay any CS until it and DNA are legally established. Otherwise any $$$ paid before that time are legally considerd a only gift and not cs.
5.LIVE YOUR LIFE I agree and feel that applies to all in this situation regardless of your position(H/W/OW).
6.Again I agree, and want to add ,All descions should not be made by just the wife or just the husband, but Wife and husband TOGETHER.
Crazy, Wishing you and your H the best of luck in restoring you marriage and the descions you and your H have made, I hope things all work out for the best.

Thank you all so much.

Lynn - I truly appreciate your advice. I spoke with my husband tonight, we will work on getting an attorney in the next two weeks. I wanted to double check on the blood test because the husband told us that he would call us after the birth of the baby, and that we had to pay. He even told my husband that he could call him if he wanted to know how the OW was doing. I nastily, nicely explained that we could care less. We have 2 homes, both are in my name alone. What else do I need to protect?

IMTSWIFE - Thank you as well for your words of encouragement. You are so right about the xW and three children, even though I must admit the children are wonderful. The children and I get along very well. They do not live in the same state with us, but we visit them about every 4 months and they spend the summer with us. The oldest lived with us during his last year of high school. He is in college now. They know nothing of this madness, and they never will.

ANGEL - Thank you too

Frankly I don't understand her husband's behavior with this. You'd think he's be pis*ed off and not want you guys in there family.

He can however go for paternity and then your husband will be sued for it, and then he would have to pay for his test.

Just some background. My stbxh and I were seperated when I got pregnant with xmm's baby. We went to court and told the court that we were seperated and that the baby was NOT his.

When the baby was born then my attorney filed for paternity of the child with xmm. My stbxh never had to take a paternity test. NEVER.

I would be weary of this husband. It just does not make sense. I've met so many men in his position and he is the first that is so OKAY with all this. It just does not make sense.

Are you sure they are not like a open marriage type or has he explained how he feels about the betrayal? This is weird for him to be so matter of fact. Most bh want to raise the child on there own and leave om out of it completely. This is just strange to me. Good luck to you and your husband.

Have you checked with your state's laws in regards to this? In many states, the H of the MOW has to contest paternity, DNA test is done with H to prove he's not the bio-parent, THEN your H would be the one to have to do a DNA test. He would ONLY have to pay for the test for proving/disproving his DNA, NOT the H of the MOW's test. Especially if they are M'd and were not seperated at the time of conception. I'd do a search on "Family Law in 'your state'" maybe add in the search words "paternity" and you should get many answers to much of your questions. I also agree with finding a good attorney for yourselves. Someone who is going to look out for you and your H in all this. Unfortunately, many times the families are forgotten in these situations. Just goes to show where this world is heading, to support any infidelity in such a way and to ignore the actual families that are being torn apart.

Ok, hopping off my soap box now. I know, I didn't really get carried away, just wanted to add the little advice of doing your search. Good luck and sorry we had to welcome you to our forum.

Crazy, I am in the process of searching for a GOOD attorney to look out for my family's best interests in this mess also (see my story http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD ). We are from the same/similar areas and two heads may be better than one in this search. Please e-mail me @
******* to bounce ideas/info. back and forth. Let me know when you have my e-mail address so I can delete it from this thread. Thank you.

I was also going to mention that a friend of mine just had a baby about 2months ago that was a result of her husbands vasectomy SORRY but they do not always take.

I will say one thing The courts will prob force her husband to take the test, based on the fact that they were married at the time of conception. YOU and your husband just have to insist on it. MOST courts will allow that exclusion first. Even with the Vasectomy...because they were living together as man and wife and like I mentioned earlier the procedure does not always take.

http://www.malehealthcenter.com/vasec.html

halfway down the page it discusses vasectomy failure rates

look for the paragraph that says:

"How effective is it?"

I also have a friend who got pregnant after her H's vasectomy.

I had a friend whose husband had an affair with a young married woman. The woman then claimed that three of her four children were fathered by three different men, one of whom was my friend's H. Friend's H admitted he slept with her, the other two guys, who are single, swore that they didn't. All three of the accused have really good jobs, btw.

Law in this state says that any children born of a marriage belong to the husband unless he was physically not present (for example, in the military and stationed overseas) at all near the time of conception. The men all paid for DNA tests regardless because none of them knew this. Turns out, NONE of them had fathered any of her children. The couple were just trying to get some extra money by attempting to finagle these men.

Please beware. The reason I brought this up is that the MOW in this story's husband was just like the one in yours, very supportive of her, wanting to give the men visitation with the child that was supposedly theirs, etc.

I was unable to get your email address, off of the site. Can you tell me how?

Thank you all for the advice.

It all sounded a bit strange to me as well as far as her husband was concerned, but my H, with his dumb self, put us in this predicament.

My husband and the OW had the one-night stand in April. A month later she informs my husband that she's pregnant. She meets him in a parking lot with the positive pregnancy test. During the latter part of May she is requesting that my husband attend her pre-natal appointments with her and her mother (CRAZY). He states that he can't believe that she told her mother about this whole situation. She says that her mother doesn't mind (CRAZIER). My husband then tells me that the OW's husband calls him at home in June to discuss the matter. My husband says that he sounds very calm and wondered whether I had been informed of the situation. My H told him not yet, that he was going to tell me, but that it was difficult. My husband requested that he not call our home again, and that once he had informed me that he would contact them back.

I return from my vacation to a phone call from the OW's H wanting to discuss the situation with his W and my H. I'm totally caught off guard because my husband has not said a word. He had contacted his EAP at work to speak with a counselor about telling me. Now that I look back, he was extremely stressed. When I speak with the H, he tells me that my H pursued his wife, he has phone records to the amount of time that my H called, and that his W has decided to keep the child. He goes on to tell me that he told my H that he has no problem with him coming over to see the child and asked my H his position on his disciplining the child, that "he would never put his hands on another man's child" (CRAZY). I call the OW and inform her, after discussion with my H, that we will have no contact with the OC or her and that we would prefer that all communication be in writing addressed to us both. We are required to pay support, but after that, we are removing ourselves from the situation. She runs home and tells her H what I said, so he calls us back, to tell us that he feels our position is inmoral and that the child deserves to know it's father.

All of the conversations, we have had with the OW's H have been calm, strangely so. After I loudly made my point clear, he told me and my H that if my H was interested in how his wife was feeling to call him and he would be the middle-man. I nastily-nicely told him that we didn't give a damn how she was feeling. We haven't heard from them since June, so now we are playing the waiting game. My husband has not seen her, so we really don't even know if she's pregnant, I think she is though. We just need to get our ducks lined up.

The whole thing sounds strange to both my H and myself, as well as our counselor. I really believe my H got set up, or should I say, he set himself up. Just plain STUPID!

CrazyHurt,

I know I've offered my opinion as to "seeing" this woman on another forum and how it might affect you... But I really think you need to know that she is, indeed, pregnant, don't you?

All of this suffering, such as I did, with no proof, yet. Tests can be altered. In my situation, I kept thinking that the OW was not pregnant as no on had seen her...

Then, I ran into her. It was awful.

Please find out for your own sanity before you make all the financial committments with an attorney and such. I just want you to be safe.

Eibrab

((((crazyhurt)))) so sorry you find yourself here. Still, this is a good place to be with lots of resources for those in our position.

I agree that the behavior of the OW's h does sound strange but then we never know how we are going to react to these things until they happen to us. When the news first broke for me i had all kinds of crazy ideas. I actually thought that the OW, H and i could find some level of mutual understanding (no picnics mind, but still...). i was disabused of those notions very quickly. so i wouldnt judge the OW's h too harshly. He is just trying to do what is right for him and we all need to find our own path in these things.

There is still a possibility that the baby will be her h's. Vacectomys are far from 100% and at least by law that would be the presumption unless your h challenges for paternity or i guess he petitions for his name to be removed from the B/C (or not put on in the first place). i guess that would depend on the laws where you are.

It looks like Lynn and the others have given you some very good advice. i cant think of anything else to add other than welcome and sorry to have to meet in such circumstances.

Hello E - Good to see you here as well. I guess we aren't alone. I really do need to go and check. Remember when I thought I had seen her? That was so unbearable. Then I found out that I was wrong. I don't know if I want to put myself in that predicament again. I just don't know.

Carolyn - Thanks for the kind words. It's true that you really don't know how you would react, but instant friendship I think is a bit far fetched. Well,,,I guess I shouldn't say friendship, but complete calmness. I just don't get it. But he may have had time to digest. I will give him the benefit of the doubt, he's a victim as well.

maybe he had really really realy good drugs? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />