This sounds like an easy question but I seem to be having more trouble with it than whether I should ever take him back. I have given up on him coming out of the fog any time soon. He seems more content with the A now that he is out of the house and we don't have to see each other. He was very involved with our daughter for the 7 years he was her Daddy. I hate what he is doing with every fiber, but am I just trying to punish him by not letting him in the delivery room. On the other hand our baby boy will never know whether he was there or not (except by pictures)!!! I'm torn and don't want my children to be pawns.

Help, I don't know this person I was married to for 10 years and loved deeply, but is there ANY reason he needs to see his only son born into this world??????

Marriedwchildren

Does he say that he wants to be there?

I know other people were suggesting for you not to have him there but I did not understand why not....

I think Loy and SadMaryland went through this. There was a lot of discussion, which boiled down to mom's feelings.

Dad can be in the delivery room for the birth if he is a responsible family member. He has no "right" to be there.

This will be your time, and should be a happy time. Forget about what he wants - what do you want?

PS - After all of the talk here, I think both fathers were in the delivery room, though.

On the one hand: He's not a support person for you, emotionally unsafe, and totally on the take. He should not be there.

On the other hand: Involving him in the process, under the right conditions could be incredibly bonding and remind him of his responsibilities and opportunities. This is a process that no OW can compete with, if the MM can abstain for even a month or two.

This second option will not be effective if he is indulging with the OW at the same time, so if he is unwilling/unable - so self-indulgent and self-absorbed-world-revolves-around-me, then it's time to not take revenge, but exclude self-centered adolescents from the delivery room, and let that be known well-enough in advance that you don't see him as supportive enough to set his own lust aside to be appropriately participating in the culmination of a faithful marriage relationship in the delivery room - invite him to find your husband and return him from the mother ship in time for the blessed event!

He hasn't really even mentioned it to me, but has told his mom that he plans on caring the baby to the nursery like he did with our daughter.

I think he just asumes it isn't up for discussion or maybe asumes I want him there and feels it's his duty.

KA,
I totally agree with your opinion and I'm afraid that he is still in the second senerio of self indulgence. I'm due in about 4 weeks and that is what worries me. I feel that in this state he may still feel like he is cake eating, but then again, MAYBE the experience would have an effect on his thinking. I'm still wrestling between allowing and not allowing him in the room???
MWC

I've been thinking about this...

IMHO, letting your WH in the delivery room would be great during PLAN A. In my view, there's no in between. You're either in PLAN A or PLAN B.

I need to share this with you too. The FOW in my case, I know for sure, hated it that my H was present for the birth of our sons. My H told me that she would "cry" when he would tell her about it and she asked about it. Well, I think this was her manipulative plan to have a child with him which he didn't want. However, it shows how special you can be to him for that reason. Not only that my H has a special bond with our sons, now 19 and 23, because he was there. You see he is still talking about that even though they are grown. It depends on your H, though. Mine is very sentimental and emotional about such special moments. The FOW knew that and she did not have such moments or a history with him.

So it is clear that my vote is YES. You should allow him to be there.

Mimi, how long was your FWH LTA?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You, ultimately are the one that needs to decide if you can cope with him in the delivery room. I don't think he has a right to be there, under the circumstances, but on the other hand, if you allow him to be there to watch the birth of your child, it might be a emotional wake up call, and allow him to realize what is truly important in his life and it might be just the event that makes him realize what he is going to be missing. By bonding with the baby, he will know he is going to be missing so many of the babies firsts in life.

Best of wishes for a healthy baby and speedy delivery.

I agree that what Married's H is doing is AWFUL but it's not about whether or not he deserves to be there..

It's about whether or not she wants to work on recovering her marriage...

Lemon:

The LTA was about two and half years. She was/is 17 years younger than him....

Your FOW was "way out to lunch" in feeling sad because your WH was in the delivery room with this children.....cuckoo...cuckoo. I thought that perhaps the LTA was going on when you were pregnant or something.....Good Lord.....I didn't realize the specifics of it all.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem:

Yep..she was/is loony..one of those psychos as someone here says....

Well - I discovered my husband's affair, and kicked him out of the house only to find I was pregnant 2 weeks later.

His affair was still "on" when I delivered.

I struggled a bit with the question, but also...I had alot of scarey health problems at the time.

I needed him to be present in case something went wrong, to make decisions and care for our daughter if I wasn't able to.

KaylaAndy said: Involving him in the process, under the right conditions could be incredibly bonding and remind him of his responsibilities and opportunities.

This was true in my case.

My husband couldn't be pried from his daughter's side once she was born, and did not leave my room for 2 days except for sleeping while we were recovering from delivery. I didn't know it at the time, but that was the start of his attempts to come home and make things right.

I think it depends on the WS.

I was 6 weeks pregnant with our first child when H told me about his A and he moved out 3 weeks later. The impending birth of our DD was what broke through the fog in our case. About 3 weeks before I was due he was begging to come home to be there when I went into labor. I didn't let him until I heard that he wanted to be there to work on our M. That took another week and by that time he was panicing. He moved back into our bedroom when we came home from the hospital and we have been in recovery ever sense.

We can't tell you what to do in your situation. The actual birthing process is all about you and the baby. No one else is important so you need to focus on what you need. Do you NEED him there? Do YOU want him there? That is the only thing that matters. In my case, I wanted and needed him there. So even if he didn't come home he was going to be there. But that wasn't a given in the beginning. His sister even volunteered to be there. I don't see a problem with you telling him you don't know if you want him there while he is actively engaged in an A. Plan A is not about being a doormat. Nothing wrong with expressing your thoughts and concerns. It may the dose of reality that he needs to break through the fog.

What ever happens, you will be alright. You will make it through and you will be a better person for having survived this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I vote "yes." It is his child too, and, if you two recover, wouldn't you want him to have been there? Sadly, my WH wasn't even in the hospital when our DD was born. And that was BEFORE his As.

Given the emotional roller coaster YOU have been through, I vote you tell him he can be on stand by. He waits outside the room and if you want him, call him in. If you want him out, send him out. You want him to come back in, you call him in.

All of us BS's want our spouses at one second, then want them to leave, then want them, etc, etc. I can't imagine going through those emotions during childbirth. (I can't imagine childbirth period! I am a man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) But, this is about you giving birth - not about him being there to fullfill his "fatherly duties". For crying out loud, he is having an affair while his wife is expecting his child!!!!

That is my 2 cents...

As a guy, it would hurt and humiliate and effect me more to not be allowed to be there.

I'd have to tell my family I didn't know the birth weight or length. I'd have to tell my family I wasn't there.

Or, worse, I'd have to lie.

Would it be punishment? YUP. I guess I'm not healed, huh?

It's not like he's been there for you when you needed support during the pregnancy, but he gets to reap the emotional reward at the end. And, it's not like he's going to be there day and night after the baby is born, helping you and helping the baby. Right now, he's a sperm donor; emotionally vacuous.

OK, I'm not helping you get to a graceful place. Sorry.

Our "opinions" really don't amount to much. It should be what YOU think is in the best interest of your marriage and/or your child(ren).

I will offer an opinion, as others have done, but only you know the full situation and all the "nuances," so only you can decide what is best for you.

My reaction to what he "said to his mom" seems to be more of the same self-centered selfishness that characterizes his CHOICE to have an affair and is CHOICE to not end the affair and come home. In short, he wants his cake....his way....and he wants to eat it under his terms, regardless of anyone else.

This part is going to possibly sound a bit cruel and uncaring, so be careful to not "read" more into it that I intend. Right now he is little more than a "sperm donor" to this child. He is definitely NOT a father, nor a husband to you. He has already chosen to abandon both of you, in the sense of a committed family and loving sacrifice for each other.

Very little gets accomplished in ending an affair until the "fogbound" person is faced with a "crisis" that impacts something they "do care about." That usually begins with impacting something they think about from a "selfish" perspective," like what they are "losing" rather than "gaining." But it gets them to start thinking and to evaluate things both in the NOW and in the future ramifications.

If the marriage is to end, he won't "be there" for the baby in any sense of the word of "committed father." Oh sure, he might have some selfish need to "be a part of the child's life." But not if it means "doing what is right" as opposed to doing whatever he selfishly wants to do.

So I'd suggest that you strongly "draw the line," no immediate end to the affair, = (EQUALS) NO presence in the birthroom because he has ALREADY chosen to abandon you both as a married FAMILY.

It is difficult dealing with consequences of sinful choices even when you are the Faithful Spouse.

God bless.

My opinion is the same as ForeverHers.

I agree with those who say he does NOT belong in the delivery room. That place is for fathers and husbands. He is neither -- as others have said, he is no more than a sperm donor and sperm donors are not ever invited into the delivery room. It's a hard truth, but it's a choice HE made -- you certainly did not make it for him.

Do not reward his faithlessness and deception. If/when he wants to be a father and a husband, then he can be around you and your children - and not before.
Mulan