He has to realize that we must talk or we will loose everything we have together. He must be an open book now. Has to stop this independent behavior.

Realtor, I am afrai for you. I too have been playing the waiting game for 1 year. My husband is a wall one minute and engaged and "soft" the next. The big difference is my FWH has not had contact for over 3 months, but not by his choice..and also my FWH has always claimed he wanted a divorce, but has never done anything about it.
Why am I afraid? My counselor introduced me to the term
"Intermittent reinforcement" it's the slot machine syndrome. Your WH gives you just a little bit of something to hook you into the game, then he blasts you with hurtful things like "Just stop". Don't get me wrong...I understand what you are going through and I do not know the answer, if I did I wouldn't be here.

It is my honest belief that both you and I, and many other people on this website really are better of divorcing. Yes that is anti MB, but reality is reality, and pain is pain. It is just a matter of when we will find the strength to jump off the merry-go-round. a close friend recently told me that what I am in, IS NOT limbo...it is a perpetual cycle of hope and misery. He said it was very painful to watch me go through it. It is easier for me to
give advice to you then to listen...but often when I read my own posts I think...Hey I should listen to that HOMER.

Start off with a modified plan B (that is what I am in), then as you start to feel good about you and start to detach, I think over time you can slip into the full Plan B. I am sure there are lots out there that will disagree and I understand, but there are some of us that struggle with Plan B.

Homer -you really helped me -that is it exactly. After the just stop - I pulled back way back. Not once have I gone to him for SF. No kisses ect. Totay he is being Mr Sweety. Mixed messages YES. OK -so you do not want me when I want you yada yada. I am becoming tired of all this merrigoround ride myself. I am saving money and think it will be real soon when Plan B will go into effect. As far as the Holidays that doesn't mean anything anymore. Just another day to me so If I bail out it could be anyday.

Homer -go to sosuave.com -it will give you an eye opener. These guys plan this stuff.

How is it going Realtor?
I have been following your situation. I hate the mixed signals.
I know its hard to get excited about the possiblity of not being with your husband, but maybe you thinking about all the positive things you could do with your life if you were not married to your w/h would help you to develop the behavior that tells your husband that, while you would like to share your life with him and grow old together, if things don't work out, not only will you be ok, you plan on doing all the things you have wanted to do, but haven't over the years. You will be happy whether it is with him or without him.
This attitude is one I have taken. It has helped me to curb my desperation, and the air of clingness, that w/s hate.
I mean let's be honest. I wasn't even sure before my husband gave me the I don't love and haven't for ten year speech, that I even loved him anymore. The days following this revelation, tore me up, and also made me examine my true feelings for husband. I found I loved my husband. This feeling was covered up by the years of buried resentment, fights and conflict avoidance.
There is nothing like rejection or indecision about your marriage to drive a person to really think, whether they love their spouse or not.

I hope some of what I had to say made sense to you.
It seems like we don't value what we have until we wake up one day and find we are about to lose it.

I hope your husband wakes up and realizes what he has.

kd - It has been weird - but what else is to be expected. He says things like lets go out on the boat ect then never does anything. He gets involved with something else and always has another excuse. So when he says to me do you want to go somewhere or do this. I say sure -but I know it is not going to happen. I could write a book about all the things we have supposed to do together.
I have become very distant with him these last few days. I have not kissed, flirted, shown affection ect. Don't want to make him think I am looking for anything. I get up in the am - go in other bdrm and get dressed and have coffee out side on porch. Today he is hugging me and saying I love you. I went to bank ran errands, made chicken soup, and am cleaning the house. I am doing what I want and so is he.
I know I will be fine living alone -that has never bothered me. I do love my WH. I will miss him terribly. I do miss the intimacy we used to share. I am aware that I am lonely living with him so what difference will it make being really alone. I do have my great cat.
I have a feeling that H will not let me leave easily. I know him and he is quit possessive of his posessions. Isn't that funny. He never wants to loose anything even his oldest dirty shirts -still has his baseball glove from when he was a kid and he is 60. Mourns the loose of anythign material like it was a living things.
Lets face it we are good at the home thing, laundry, cooking, cleaning, SF, shopping, paying bills, who would want to loose their favorite maid?

My husband is very possesive of his things also. He is what is called a pack rat.
My childhood memories fill up a small box. My husband's memories fill up the entire house.
He attaches memories to material items. Me, my mind is where my favorite memories are. I don't need the clutter to make me remember good times.
If our marriage doesn't make it, leaving him with all his posessions will be the most positive improvement.
I feel cluttered house leads to scattered, cluttered mind and frame of thinking.
Less for me, is definately more.

After a few of his LB's again yesterday I had had it. I told him I was sick of his comments. I told him I know he is in contact again. I said tell me what you want. I am sick of this situation and being treated like a piece of sh$t. I told him I am not going to sit downstairs all day while he works on his jeep 10 hrs. Which was once statement he made that I do not do. No way not for 10days straight.
So low and behold he says I am right he has been nasty ect. Did not mention further contact. Not sure if this will work out but I feel it was a big thing for him to admit he has been nasty and said he was sorry. Not sure how tohandle this yet. I am in a wait and see mode. If I can just stop all these LB's I myself will feel better.

though a little step in the right direction ...it sounds like he is appeasing you. Why not stay consistent in your distance/stance and insist on everything you deserve--honesty, etc.!! Don't settle, you deserve more!!

Thanks - I am being very strong. I just felt it was the first time in ages that he was not defensive. I took that as a good sign.

We are concerned about hurricane Wilma now. Cat 5. We live on the Gulf. So preperations hve sarted. We are north but still will probably loose power, and water. Probably will have some flooding. If it stays to our south that is.

People up north are still flooding. Alot of my friends and family are in trouble. The Dam in Keene, Nh was breeching yesterday and now more rain is on the way. Can we all pray for them..

I am so tired of all of this. I am on the defensive with him. I have not gone to him for SF. He has not approached me either. I just do not feel attractive right now. I told him this - he says I am very appealing to him. So how come no SF ? I think he is still in contact and when I do find out that will be when things will really fly around here. I hate being back on the alert again. I was starting to feel so much calmer. Now I am jumpy again.

Have you sniffed the air when is around and ask what smells?

I really did this. I did it when I suspected contact. U know the WS' senses are out of whack so using the smell tactic throws 'em off. No details, just raise the question. Hm...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi Realtor,

I rode the false recovery roller coaster for a year and a half. I couldn't figure out why things weren't improving. It is hard as He77. No one could blame your for calling it quits. If you feel plan b is the right decision for you than go for it.

The posters are giving you great advice. I am following the same advice about withholding affectionate touches and ILYs. It feels so much better to not be rejected. Take care of you. I hope Wilma didn't get you too bad.

<<<hugs>>>
Loni

Up date I am giving the best SF since he has been on strike. I think he is changing how he feels about me for the good. Orchid I do sniff. Couple of times it was not nice. Yesterday he went out without me for awhile. I finally got to ck his work stuff -he took alot of things home from his truck because of the strike. I looked in a file he has for work # and there was OW home number right in the front. I crossed it out. Have not said anything about it yet. DId not get angry with him. Had a fit all by myself. I am being charming. Gag... I am finding out what a liar he has been. Had told me he would never call her home as her H was retired. Yeah -I figured he was and we shall see what happens next. Plan B letter is written.